ASMR (4): Breathless Confessions
ASMR (4) My breath keeps catching, but I can't stop moving my tongue.
"Hah… hah…"
"You look like you're struggling."
"Ugh… mmph…!"
"Breathe!"
"Haha, lololol"
"Whoa, damn…"
"Oh, Snake's stream feels weird today…!"
The Jireongi try to stop me, but something inside me has flipped. I can't stop—like a runaway train.
"Huff… kgh… khm! Khm! Aah… heh… I couldn't hold it in. I'm sorry."
My heart pounds wildly as I apologize. This feels better than I expected. The sensation still clings to me, like I might never escape it.
…Is this what it feels like when couples kiss?
I wipe the saliva-slicked mic with tissues, cheeks burning.
They tease me. I scratch the back of my head with an awkward smile, flustered.
"I… I didn't plan to go this far. Honestly, I was feeling a bit down, so I even considered doing self-harm ASMR…"
I really had thought about it. I was depressed, the cutter was right there, and I'd already started self-harming again after holding back for so long. Once the limit breaks, doing it twice isn't hard. Doing something like that in front of people felt wrong, but I figured I could hide behind the excuse of "ASMR." Now that I'm back to my senses, of course I regret it.
I fidget with the cutter in my hand and honestly tell the flustered Jireongi.
"…I thought I'd quit for good, but I guess not. My legs… when I thought they could never be fixed, I almost… messed up. But really, just playing with you guys was enough to fix it."
The Jireongi are the best. My fans are so lovable. When I say it sincerely, the responses come flooding in.
"Th-thank you for the ten thousand won… I'm really okay. Thanks, everyone."
"…Hehe……"
Smiling awkwardly, I bring my nose to the now-clean, nicely scented mic and sniff it. The Jireongi love it. I like that reaction too.
"…Should I just stay like this until you all fall asleep? I don't feel like gaming… and talking about the hospital will probably make me depressed again."
I blow softly into their left ear with a slightly lowered voice while gently rubbing the right auricle.
"…Did I really look that young? I-I honestly don't know."
"…I'm not cute, though."
The viewers start teasing me again. I let out a sigh, sniff once more, and let my breathing fill the mic.
"…Should I start the hospital story now……"
"Everyone… you can sleep comfortably if you want. I'd… I'd be even more grateful if you listened…"
With that, I hesitantly start the ASMR again.
To begin the story, I first talk about meeting Mom again.
"…So… I met Mom… and I decided to forgive her. She had her own circumstances… she went through worse than I did……"
Mom suffered more than me. She was beaten and raped even after giving birth to me, and ended up having two more children. Even while pregnant with me, and later with Jiwoo and Minwoo, the sexual abuse never stopped.
"…Y-yeah… anyway, my siblings are still awkward with her. They saw me getting hit more than anything else… but I think we'll get close soon."
After all, our family shares the same pain. Jiwoo is slowly understanding Mom, and Minwoo is trying to talk to her again. They're all good kids. I believe they'll forgive her someday.
Not that I'd force them if they said no……
Right now, they just need time.
"Anyway… so… Mom, my little sister, and I went to the hospital together."
Listening to me gives me a little courage. I take a deep breath and start telling them about the moments I had PTSD episodes at the hospital—starting with how I trembled when they tried to draw blood.
"When they were going to draw blood… it had been so long since someone else stuck a needle in me… I was scared… so scared……"
"Ah… did I not mention it? Dad once broke a soju bottle and stabbed my thigh with it… I did go to the hospital, but… I was terrified because someone almost reported it."
"Yes… I'm happy now."
I say that while looking at the people asking me to be happy, then lick the mic and smile brightly.
"I'm happy… I can make the Jireongi feel good like this… and it makes me feel good too."
The Jireongi look troubled. I just tilt my head and smile.
After that, I keep telling the story—how I burst into tears during the X-ray because the doctor looked too much like Dad.
"He was so scary… his first impression was exactly like Dad's… but he was actually really kind."
And how I just shed tears during the nerve conduction test, staring at my unresponsive legs. When I finish telling everything, a sob rises in my throat.
"Anyway… so… heuh… I felt so wronged… I cried so much, hugging Mom and my sister… I thought I'd calmed down a bit, but when I got home I was still depressed, so I turned on the stream and cried……"
Honestly, I think I cried more sincerely on stream. I didn't want to worry my sister and Mom, so I couldn't cry properly in front of them.
"Anyway, so… khuh… heuh, I really love you all… Even though my legs ended up like this and it made me a little sad… I'll still do my best."
I wrap up the story like that. My sniffling, sobbing breaths travel straight through the mic. But I still can't stop crying.
"Yes… I can walk better than now."
The one silver lining is that my legs aren't completely ruined. After being neglected for ten years, the fact that they held on this well is nothing short of a miracle.
"It's almost a miracle… just like you all coming to me… thank you so much, everyone."
With that, I give the mic one last kiss and whisper shyly with a smile.
"…Good night. Have sweet dreams… I love you… I really love you all."
The feeling that I want only me to be loved tomorrow, the day after, and even years from now fills my entire body.