Mom and Maman (1)
Looking back, Mom was always the one getting beaten.
“Have you lost your damn mind, talking about dying together?! Why the hell are you going outside?!”
“...But Suhyun said she was hungry.”
“Who gives a shit about that little brat... Fuck, I told you to get rid of it...”
“We don’t have any money, how am I supposed to do that... And how could I do something like that to such a beautiful child...”
“Hey. Are you insane?”
As he spat those words, Dad’s irritated face froze into something cold. That inhuman thing spewed curses. Always, behind Dad’s filthy language and rotten expression came a flying fist that slammed home. And every time Mom took those hits, she’d clasp her hands together and beg him for mercy.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry...! I won’t go outside again...!!”
She’d curl up on the floor and keep getting hit. Watching her, I—who still had no memories of my previous life—could only cry. Of course, there wasn’t anything else an eight-year-old could do.
The only time that belonged to me and Mom was from the evening Dad left for work, drinking, or gambling until dawn. During those hours, Mom would always pull me into her arms and weep.
“Suhyun... Mom’s sorry. Mom is so sorry.”
“......”
“...Forgive me. I couldn’t take responsibility, but I loved you too much... Please forgive this mother who loves you so much...”
She begged for my forgiveness. Even now, I don’t understand what she thought she’d done so wrong. Was loving me a sin? Had my parents in my previous life never loved me at all?
“...I love you too, Mom.”
“...!!”
The moment I said I loved her, that clumsy young mother in her early twenties would finally stop crying and hold me tight. She was always bruised, always in pain, always crying. But I still remember the mother who loved me anyway.
Looking back.
In truth, me, Jiwoo, and Minu were probably children forced into existence by Dad’s violence. That gratitude lasted only a moment before the memories plunged even deeper into the abyss.
That day was another day Mom had been beaten by Dad. This time it was worse than usual—her lip was split and bleeding, the bruises on her arms were darker than ever, and she was limping from some injury to her leg. Still bleeding, she walked over and hugged me tightly. Then she lay down and said nothing.
“...Suhyun.”
“......”
“Mom... is so tired...”
I couldn’t say a word. I was just an eight-year-old kid.
“If I report him... I’m scared of how we’ll have to live. I don’t know how to get away from that man anymore...”
When someone endures violence for too long, their mind begins to rot. On top of that, the terror imprinted on her since she was a minor—nearly ten years of it—had eaten Mom alive. There was no way she could ask the outside world for help. Her thinking was no longer normal.
“...Mom doesn’t think she can hold on any longer. I’m so scared...”
The whisper that followed was devastating to my young ears.
“...When I look at you kids, I see him. Especially Minu... he scares me too much.”
Mom wiped her tears.
“...Now just seeing your faces brings the fear first. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
What came next was easy to guess.
Mom’s going to abandon us.
In this hell, she had decided to escape. By leaving us behind.
“...Mom’s going to make a lot of money and help you. Once I overcome everything, I’ll come back and hold you... Forgive me.”
With those words, Mom kissed my lips while I pretended to sleep with my eyes closed. That was the last warmth I ever felt from her.
The next day, when Dad realized Mom had disappeared, he went completely insane. I wished she had at least reported him. But it seemed she wanted to forget us entirely, to erase us, because she never came back. Even though she had promised.
Even though she promised me.
Even though she had promised to hold us again.
Liar. Con artist. For days on end I cursed her with every name I could think of.
Years later, as an adult, I stepped into a gukbap restaurant. And there—
“Suhyun......”
“...!!”
I came face to face with Mom, now in her forties. She looked neat and clean, without a single visible scar. The first thought that rose in my mind was, strangely enough—
...She’s alive.
Relief. When my eyes widened in shock at my own feelings, Mom’s face became painfully clear.
“......”
“Suhyun, is it really...”
Yeon-a stared at me. Jiwoo must have realized who the woman was too; she bit her lip and kept her head down. Only then did the memories of how terrible this person was flood back.
“...Auntie.”
That was why I forced myself to speak. I couldn’t let Jiwoo be hurt again.
“Do you know me...?”
My voice shook as I asked. Mom closed her mouth, her eyes trembling. Even the usually bright Yeon-a stayed silent. Strangely, I was glad. The heavy, desolate atmosphere helped keep me cold.
I had to protect Jiwoo. Mom had given up on her—I refused to.
I had sworn to show that I could protect her in a way Mom never could.
“......”
Mom looked at us with tormented eyes. I frowned, then stood up abruptly.
“...This feels bad.”
“...!!”
Mom’s eyes widened. I couldn’t understand why she reacted that way. It would have been easier if she had just abandoned me like my previous-life parents. If she had ignored my pain, treated me like a scarecrow whenever I came home beaten, and ripped my dreams to shreds the way they had.
Just do the same thing.
Only now did I understand why I still kept this childish hairstyle. Why I never dyed my hair. Something hot slid down my cheek. It seemed I had missed her after all.
“Suhyun... is it really you...?”
Mom’s voice trembled as she called my name through my tears. I looked up at her, crying while keeping my face blank, and said,
“So what? What could you possibly do for me now?”
“......”
Mom lowered her head. I helped Jiwoo and Yeon-a to their feet and limped out of the gukbap restaurant.
Forgetforgetforgetforgetforget.
The day that should have been the best one yet had been dirtied because of that woman.
Sujin remained inside the gukbap restaurant and collapsed into a chair. Jiwoo had looked at her with a dark, empty expression. And Suhyun—covered in scars—had glared at her. She had expected that much. But the actual rejection from the children she had never once forgotten hurt far more than she had imagined.
Still, what hurt even worse was Suhyun’s frail body and the countless scars covering it.
“...She was even limping...”
Jiwoo had grown up clean and healthy without a single scar. But Suhyun...
“I... did that to Suhyun...”
Sujin covered her mouth, muttering. She had been irresponsible. Young and painfully immature, she had been too irresponsible.
“What do I do... what do I do... my child, our child...”
Sujin wiped her tears, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Time that had already passed never returned. Suhyun’s body and mind were already broken, yet she had done everything she could to protect Minu and Jiwoo. The guilt tore through Sujin’s chest again. It felt like her heart was being ripped apart.
“...If you couldn’t take responsibility, you shouldn’t have given birth... What have you done to those children?”
Because of her selfishness, three children had suffered wounds that could never be healed. Nausea rose in her throat at the realization—right when two voices drifted in from outside.
“We were supposed to meet here. That’s weird.”
“Can’t you reach the noonas?”
“Yeah... it’s strange.”
Haram and Minu stood blankly in front of the gukbap restaurant, then looked at each other.
“They still aren’t here? They haven’t even read the texts.”
“Then, Minu, should we go in first? I’m starving.”
“Want to? You didn’t eat before coming?”
“Nope... I wanted to look pretty.”
“For w-who?”
“Dunno.”
Haram grinned mischievously and strode into the restaurant. Minu hurried after her. The moment they stepped inside, both of them froze.
“...Ah, w-welcome.”
A beautiful woman was collapsed in her seat, wiping away tears. Haram gasped and rushed over to help her up.
“Are you okay?!”
“...Ah, thank you.”
Minu moved to help as well, but the moment he saw the color of the woman’s hair, he went rigid. It was the exact same shade as his oldest sister Suhyun’s. In truth, Minu’s memories of their mother were faint. All he really remembered was Suhyun always taking her place. So although it felt unpleasant, the woman didn’t seem to recognize him either, and he had planned to stay quiet.
But Haram sat down, eyes suddenly wide, and whispered to him.
“...Isn’t that Mother?!”
“......”
“...Ah, sorry.”
Haram apologized quickly. Minu gave an awkward smile and said he thought he understood why his sisters had left the restaurant, then stood up.
“...I think I get why the noonas left this place.”
They would have clearer memories, after all. Minu sighed, walked over to the kitchen entrance where the woman had disappeared, and stopped. Sujin looked up at him with frightened eyes. He scratched his cheek awkwardly and spoke.
“...Yu Minu. Do you know the name?”
He told her his name. After that, both Haram and Minu watched as Sujin’s face crumpled with violent emotion.