IRL Collab (4)
When Yeon-a hugged me, the cigarette smell she’d been hiding came rushing out. “…Ugh.”
“A-Are you okay, Suhyun?”
“Euuuegh… Y-Yeon-a… How much do you even smoke?”
It was seriously bad. Maybe because I’m sensitive to smoke, but Yeon-a’s cigarette smell felt way more disgusting than I expected.
“No… why? It doesn’t smell on me, right?” she said, sniffing her own clothes.
I limped two or three steps away from her. I didn’t really want to, but my instincts made me do it. Anything that smelled like burning—especially cigarettes—was something I hated with every fiber of my being.
I could almost hear water dripping into a bathtub. I hate it. I hate it. It feels like my throat is being squeezed shut.
“Haa… hngh… kkuheuup……”
“Suhyun?!”
“Y-Yeon-a……”
I couldn’t breathe properly. Yeon-a hurried toward me. I knew she was just worried about me, but right now she looked like some enormous monster. Cold sweat started running down my back.
I thought I’d gotten a little better… but the moment a trigger flipped, I collapsed instantly. I’d turned back into the version of myself that suited me best.
“Don’t come closer… Just… just give me a second…!”
“Are you okay?”
-Thud!! I fell on my butt. Since I couldn’t use my left leg to run away, this was actually better. At least I’d put some distance between us.
“Hic…! Just a second, just a second, Yeon-a… I-I’m having a hard time. The cigarettes… because of the cigarettes…!”
I begged her to stay away before I completely mistook her for a monster. She flinched, realizing what was happening, and backed off.
“Haa… hngh… huuuu……”
My hands were shaking violently. Yeon-a stood far away, watching me with worried eyes. Even while my heart pounded so hard it felt like it was crushing me, I kept checking to make sure she hadn’t turned into a monster.
“Th-Thank goodness. You’re not a monster… It’s just… Yeon-a…”
“…Are you okay? Is it because of the cigarette smell?”
“Y-Yeah… Sorry.”
I dragged my trembling body into the corner and hugged my knees.
‘Ah… this is dangerous.’
I couldn’t calm down at all. My heart felt like it was about to burst.
‘If I stay like this, I’ll die.’ My body was screaming it at me.
I looked at Yeon-a with shaking eyes and forced a smile.
“Yeon-a……”
“Y-Yeah?!”
“C-Could you… stay outside for a bit…? Come back in when I tell you to.”
“……”
Without realizing it, my hand had started searching for the cutter knife. Yeon-a flinched when she noticed.
In the dark room, only the refrigerator light illuminated her. I sat huddled in the corner, untouched by that light.
“Please… Just for a little while. Really, just a little while.”
“…I’m sorry, Suhyun.”
“No… It’s not your fault, Yeon-a. You must’ve been having a hard time too.”
I stood up while gripping the cutter knife with trembling hands.
“Just… stay outside for a bit.”
“Okay… Got it. I’ll go buy a whole new set of clothes. Yeah, that’s probably best.”
Yeon-a, who hadn’t been able to look me in the eye properly, smiled awkwardly. I stared at her blankly for a moment before nodding.
“…Yeah. Those clothes really suited you. It’s a shame… Sorry, Yeon-a. For being such a high-maintenance friend……”
“No! Suhyun, I don’t think that at all! I’m just grateful you’re letting me stay with you, so please don’t say things like that……”
She smiled awkwardly as she spoke. I nodded, watching the corners of her trembling lips.
Once Yeon-a left, I—pushed to my absolute limit—rushed into the bathroom. I sliced the bandages off with the knife and exposed my pale, scar-covered arm. I pressed down hard with my shaking hand.
Then, along with tears, an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time seeped out between my fingers.
Plop. Drip.
The sink turned red. I gasped for breath. From outside the bathroom door, I could hear the refrigerator beeping—the one I’d left open. Without the strength to respond to the sound, I limped out of the bathroom and hurriedly disinfected the wound.
Pain, chills, and a faint sense of pleasure came together, making my head feel horribly cold.
“…This is the worst, Yoo Suhyun.”
I muttered that while looking at my reflection on the monitor. It seemed I was still stuck in the same place after all.
I don’t know how long I sat there blankly after rewrapping the bandages. After stuffing the fridge full by myself and collapsing from exhaustion, I picked up my phone. Thirty minutes had already passed.
“…She left. Of course she did.”
After all, who would like someone who told them to get lost because they were about to self-harm right in front of them?
Staring blankly at the dark ceiling, I pulled the blanket all the way over my head.
“…I want to die, but I’m too scared to do it.”
As I muttered that, the suffocating feeling from the blanket started triggering my PTSD again—
-Ding-dong
“…Yeon-a?”
The doorbell rang through the empty house. Normally it would’ve scared me, but right now, for some reason, it felt warm. The thought that she might have abandoned me flew away completely. I hurried to the door on my limping leg.
“S-Suhyun…! I-I can’t really smell cigarettes, so could you stay a little farther away?”
She said that while trying her best to be considerate. I nodded and opened the door, then took three steps back to wait for her.
“It took a while because I was trying to find clothes that were as similar as possible. How is it?”
She looked at me, then flinched when she saw the loosened bandages on my arm. Feeling guilty toward Yeon-a, who must’ve been shocked, I took one step closer to her. I took a deep breath and slowly prepared myself mentally.
Yeon-a gradually got closer.
“Yeon-a… If I collapse, you have to call for help, okay?”
“Yeah…! I got it! Come here, Yoo Suhyun…!! Just don’t come too fast!”
She said that while spreading her arms. I wanted to smile, but I was too nervous for it to come out. I just slowly walked toward her and sniffed the air.
A brand-new clothes smell entered my nose.
“Ah……”
“How is it…? Is it okay? Does it still smell a lot?”
Yeon-a asked with a worried expression. Once my tension eased, I smiled slightly and spread both arms to show that it was fine. She tilted her head in confusion.
Worried she didn’t understand, I waved my arms and whispered.
“…Hug me.”
“…!!”
“I-I was so scared… You took so long to come back…!”
A single tear I’d been holding back rolled down my cheek. Yeon-a looked startled and gently pulled me into a hug. It was a very careful embrace. A faint new-clothes scent spread from that warm hug.
There was still a trace of cigarette smell, but it wasn’t the harsh burning odor from before. It was at a level I could somehow tolerate.
‘This much is okay.’
I confirmed that Yeon-a was completely safe now.
“…Are you okay now?”
Yeon-a asked carefully. I nodded in her arms.
“Yeah……”
“Th-Thank goodness…!!”
Yeon-a said that with a sob. I looked at her and gave her a fond smile.
“…Cut down on the cigarettes, you dummy… It’s bad for your body.”
“I was trying to quit… I threw away everything I had at home……”
She said that while wiping away the tears that had escaped. With everything resolved, we both flopped onto the bed and let out sighs of relief.
“It smells like Suhyun on the bed.”
“…Wh-What kind of smell?”
“Hmm… Dog food smell!”
Yeon-a giggled as she said that. I immediately bowed my head and apologized.
“…Sorry. I’m sorry… I tried to wash as much as I could and live properly, but I didn’t even ventilate… I didn’t clean either… I’m sorry for living so uselessly……”
When I apologized like that, Yeon-a frantically said sorry and buried her face in the bed.
“Sorry…!! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!!”
“Ah… Was it weird after all?”
“N-No… It was a joke. It smells like peaches from the blanket.”
“I use that fabric softener… Smells good, right…?”
When I asked, Yeon-a smiled brightly this time and said it really did smell good. Only then did I let out a sigh of relief.
“…Don’t hate me……”
“I don’t hate you, Yeon-a.”
It took quite a while to calm Yeon-a down after her joke and the guilt that followed.
After the commotion died down—
“Want to order delivery?”
“Y-Yeah… Is there anything you want to eat…? I-I can buy it for you…!”
I said that with sparkling eyes, wanting to order whatever Yeon-a wanted, but she looked at me with a worried expression.
“…You’re still sweating cold sweat? Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“Ah… Th-This is just because it’s been a while since I’ve dealt with a new person.”
“A new… person.”
“N-No, no! Auuugh… That’s not what I meant……”
Yeon-a’s eyes were slowly losing focus. I frantically hugged her and begged her not to hate me before she finally burst out laughing.
“Pfft…!!”
“…Y-You’re joking again…?”
“Yup! Just kidding!”
“You’re too much……”
Yeon-a had always been mischievous, but maybe because time had passed, her teasing had gotten even more intense. Still, I didn’t really mind it, so it was actually a pretty enjoyable time.
“I bought ingredients too! I’ll cook for you!”
“O-Oh……”
“And let’s move our evening stream up a bit. We can eat while we stream.”
“I-Is that okay?”
I said that while tilting my head, and Yeon-a just gave me a silent thumbs-up.