A Teacher's Gentle Voice
"Hic... heue, I'm sorry for crying."
[It's okay, it's okay.]
A gentle voice came through the phone. My voice had trembled with the fear of getting scolded, which only delayed the call further.
"When would be a good time to teach me...?"
[Hmm... It would be nice if we could do it while streaming, if possible.]
"M-My throat hurts right now."
When I explained that streaming today would be too much, my teacher made a thoughtful sound. I waited for her reply, cold sweat trickling down my back.
Did I overstep again?
I couldn't tell if she was annoyed or simply checking her schedule. Being socially awkward made moments like this unbearable. Sniffling, I waited for her answer while already typing out an apology in our chat window, just in case. My finger hovered over Enter as I braced myself. If she scolded me for being presumptuous, I'd send the message immediately to show my sincerity.
Maybe she'll go easier on me.
The thought slowed my racing heartbeat just a little. The silence stretched, suffocating.
[Then contact me once your throat feels better!]
Thankfully, she hadn't been about to scold me—she had simply been checking her schedule. I quickly hit Ctrl + A + Backspace to delete the apology and replied that I understood.
"Ah... thank you."
[You should rest if your throat hurts! Also, you might end up yelling while watching me play.]
"I would never...!"
How could I ever raise my voice at someone so kind? I was confident I would never scold her, yet she only gave an awkward laugh.
"...I really, really won't scold you."
[Really?]
"Yes... I don't want to scold anyone. I don't want to get angry at anyone."
I hated scolding others, and I hated getting angry. Doing either would make me no different from that trash of a human being. If I just endured a little longer, if I was the only one who got hurt, everything would eventually end. Even if I was insulted or hit, lashing out would only make things worse. That was the only lesson I had learned from living two lifetimes.
"If I start feeling a bit down, it passes quickly anyway."
[...Yes?]
"You don't have to worry...!"
I did my best to reassure my teacher, who sounded worried. "I-I can't yell or get angry at people, so..."
[I see......]
"Please go rest. And thank you for the avatar......"
Once she seemed calmer, I ended the call and leaned back in my chair.
"Heue... my throat hurts."
It felt like I had used up every last bit of energy in my body. My stomach began to growl.
-Grrrooowl.
My small stomach barked loudly. My heart started pounding. Whenever my stomach growled from hunger, it felt like Dad might appear from somewhere. He had beaten me for every possible reason, including once calling me a freeloading parasite just for being hungry.
"...When the real parasite was him all along."
The man whose only income came from horse racing and occasional day labor. Every time he hit me, I had been too terrified and in too much pain to think clearly. Now, all I felt was disbelief.
"Haa......"
I stared at the box cutter I had been clutching throughout the call.
"......"
My hand unconsciously lifted it again. I hated pain. But without it, my body would tremble uncontrollably and I would grow even more anxious. That was what I had become. A body that could no longer live without violence.
"Huu... hold on."
Still, I wanted to change now. I pushed the blade back into the handle.
-Click.
If I could at least reduce the frequency, maybe that would be enough. My body shook with anxiety. I never knew when or where violence might come flying at me again.
"...Suhyun, calm down."
I hugged myself tightly. The only person who could hold me without hurting me now was myself. So I held on.
"...I miss Jiwoo and Minu."
My voice cracked as I whispered those words and squeezed myself tighter. Even if it hurt, even if the pain felt like it would kill me, I desperately craved someone else's warmth. Only now did I realize how much.
My stomach kept demanding food, so I limped through the trash toward the refrigerator. Inside sat a radiant paper box.
Why Did You Come Back to Chicken Country, Pizza Princess?
"...Why is the name like that."
I tilted my head at the owner's peculiar naming sense, took out two pieces, and headed for the microwave. The light spun inside as it heated. Seeing the microwave reminded me of my siblings, whom I hadn't even been able to feed instant rice.
"I'm pathetic......"
I had wanted to let them experience and feel so much more. Because of my selfish desire, I had only shown them hell instead. Even when I saved them, it hadn't really been saving. They had grown up well on their own—I had never raised them properly. That thought pierced through me.
Sniffling, I took the hot chicken out and bit into it. It tasted good. The thought that I could now buy delicious food with my own money lifted my mood a little.
After finishing the chicken, I leaned back in my chair again.
"Huu... I'm full."
My stomach was bloated. Honestly, even this felt a bit much. Stuffing greasy food into a body that didn't digest well was bound to have consequences.
"At least I'm full......"
It wasn't enough to make me throw up, so I simply rubbed my belly while watching YouTube. Then—
-Vrrrrrr!
"Hic!?"
My quiet phone suddenly vibrated loudly against the desk. Startled, I checked it and saw a new message.
She was worrying about me so much. Gratitude welled up inside me.
"...Is this really okay?"
Guilt kept crashing over me. The guilt of having become just like Dad. In the end, how was I any different from him to Jiwoo and Minu?
"Huu... stop thinking nonsense."
I pushed the gloomy thoughts away and replied.
"...Maybe she's only saying that because it's not that dirty."
I had expected her to tell me to clean first. I should ask Teacher about this too. I opened Discord right away.
"M-My ultimate goal is to show my face someday... b-but not yet."
The fear was still too great. I hadn't planned that far ahead. And if someone recognized me...
"......"
The unpleasant past began to surface, so I stopped.
She suggested I look it up myself. I thanked her and said I would, then ended the chat. When I found her half-cam VOD afterward, it was pure chaos.
Managers and Teacher desperately tried to ban the uncontrollable viewers. Watching the VOD, I muttered quietly.
"...B-Big."
An overwhelming wall pressed down on me as my gaze drifted downward.
"......"
A cliff. Those two words flashed through my mind.
"...T-To be honest, if they're too big it's just inconvenient. Mm......"
Even as I said that, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the mass of flesh centered on the screen.
"...Teacher is an incredible person."
Once again, I was reminded of just how incredible our teacher was. They say beautiful women are dumb—now I understood why she was Bronze 4.