Mom (5)
I was bewildered. A friend? How long had it been since I last heard that word? The memory of anyone wanting to be my friend had grown hazy and distant.
"Hic! Hngh… Why, why do you keep making me suffer… hic!"
[Huh…? Are you okay?]
"Hic…! F-friend? Don't lie to me."
I sniffled through the words, my voice trembling. The idea that someone in this world actually wanted to be friends with me was so absurd that I shook my head.
"…You're not just trying to make internet friends, right?"
[No, um… did I do something wrong?]
Her voice was so incredibly gentle. It sounded like she genuinely wanted to be real friends with me. Even if that feeling was sincere…
"Haram… thank you for being so good to Jiwoo… hic! I really appreciate it… but I'm not like her."
Once she saw the real me, everything would change. I was such a pathetic person, after all.
"Haa… hic!"
[D-don't cry. I'm sorry.]
…….
I grabbed a tissue, blew my nose repeatedly, and burrowed deeper into the blankets. Of course, I took my phone with me. I still had to finish the call, after all.
"Hic!"
[Sis, are you okay?]
"Ha…ram…"
[Yes, I'm listening.]
Haram answered with that same gentle kindness. I had calmed down a little, so I stared at my phone glowing brightly in the darkness and spoke.
"You're… an amazing person, Haram."
[Am I?]
"…Yes. You really are."
When I said that, Haram replied a bit bashfully.
[Thank you for thinking so.]
"…That's why someone like me doesn't suit you."
[…….]
"That's why I apologized earlier… I'm sorry for overstepping."
I had crossed a line. Someone like me shouldn't do that.
'Kids like you are the ones who ruin everything. Don't even try.'
'Son, just stay quiet.'
'Act according to your place. Don't stand out. Play with people who match you.'
The voices of my past-life mother and father, and my current father, echoed in my ears.
"…I don't suit amazing people like you."
[Sis, do you know something?]
Haram's voice sounded like she was smiling brightly.
I hiccuped and asked, "Wha… what?"
[Do you know how much Jiwoo and Minu brag about you?]
……?
Jiwoo and Minu? Why would they brag about me? The only thing I could do was get pathetically beaten while trying to protect them. What was there to brag about a punching bag like me?
[There's something Jiwoo said all throughout her school years. She told me you probably didn't know about it. Should I tell you?]
If Jiwoo had gone out of her way to hide it, maybe I shouldn't hear it. But… I was curious. What had she said? What words had she repeated like a mantra?
…Is it about cursing me and Dad?
That was my rough guess. The father who created hell, and me who helped maintain it. How sickening we both must have seemed. How pathetic I must have looked, throwing myself at them because I wanted to be loved.
It felt like hearing it would only hurt me. My instincts screamed at me to pull away. But my mouth moved on its own.
"…T-tell me… please……."
I sniffled through the words. At the end I nearly covered my mouth, so I wasn't sure if she even heard me clearly.
[One was that she wanted to kill Dad. The other was that she wanted to save her sister.]
…….
Not that she wanted to kill me too?
"…Not that she wished I was dead?"
[You're an amazing person too, sis.]
…….
[At least, the sister I've heard about was incredibly amazing.]
I could hear the sound of her smiling again. It wasn't a mocking laugh. It was a pure, genuine smile. How long had it been since I'd heard something like that?
"Ah… aah……."
[We're both amazing people, aren't we?]
"Hic…!"
The tears came flooding out all at once.
Amazing person…? Me? Someone like me?
The thought refused to leave my head.
"…No, no you're not."
[Let's be friends.]
"Hic…! Haram…! I said no!"
If she actually met me, if she saw the real me, she wouldn't be able to say those words. That's what I believed as I sobbed.
"If you actually meet me… you'll laugh at me too, Haram."
[Will I?]
"My leg limps… I'm short and stumpy… my whole body is covered in scars."
[…….]
"My hair color is weird too… people might throw punches first when they see it……."
[My hair color is weird too. It's naturally silver. Isn't that strange?]
"Hic…!"
An amazing person was reaching out to me while putting herself down. I couldn't understand the situation at all.
"…No, no……."
I curled up, hugging my whole body as I muttered. It felt like a fist might fly at me any second.
[Sis, I really want to be friends with you. Can't I…?]
"I-it's not that you can't……."
I wanted a friend too. But I was terrified. Back in school, I had been scared of my friends' eyes. What if they reported me to the police?
…If you get reported, it's all over, you hear me?!
Dad's voice rang out again.
…If you report me, I'll… I'll stab all of you to death and walk into prison with my own two hands!
Just once, in middle school, I had tried to report him and got caught. I don't even remember how many times I was beaten. Back then, the pain wasn't what hurt most. I hated myself for not even being able to report him properly. After that, my friends drifted away. Anyone who offered to report him looked like a murderer to me.
"Hic! I can't… I can't……."
[…….]
"If you see me, you'll change too, Haram."
That was all I could say. After a long silence, Haram finally spoke again.
[Can I come meet you in person?]
"…Huh?"
[I'm confident I won't change.]
…….
Haram spoke in that same kind voice.
[Jiwoo and Minu bragged about you so much, you know.]
She started talking about my siblings. I listened while sniffling.
[And you don't have to worry.]
"…Why…?"
[Because I already received a picture of my adorable sis.]
She sent me a photo. It was definitely me—from when I was little. Back when I could still smile naturally whenever someone pointed a camera at me. The photo captured that version of me.
[I'm grateful to you too, sis.]
"…W-why?"
[There are two reasons. One is that you protected my friend Jiwoo. As for the other… it's still a bit early to say, don't you think?]
Haram giggled softly, then whispered that she'd tell me once we became friends.
[Let's be friends.]
"Hic…!"
Could I really do that? After pushing away all the help, after running away alone, after hurting even my friends—could someone like me really do that? Was it okay for me to become this happy now?
I hesitated. My heart pounded. The tears stopped, but my breathing grew ragged.
"Hngh."
[Is that okay with you?]
Her gentle voice reached me. The dark space under the blanket grew warm.
"…Is it… really okay?"
I asked back. Was it okay for someone like me to stain an amazing person like Haram?
"For someone amazing like you… to get stained by someone like me…"
[I'm a scrub brush, you know?]
She said she'd scrub me clean until I sparkled. She was a person who filled others with positive energy. Like the sun, someone who warmly embraced everyone.
She's just like Jiwoo…….
They say birds of a feather flock together. I thought Jiwoo had chosen her friends incredibly well.
"…It's still too early to be friends."
[Is that so…?]
The blanket was getting unbearably hot. If I stayed like this I'd probably suffocate, so I crawled out. I knelt in front of the phone where Haram's voice was coming from, bowing my head toward it on the bed.
"…I think it's okay to call you Master!"
[Master?]
"Yes… Since you're such an amazing person, I'll take you as my broadcasting master."
[Ooh…….]
Haram's voice sounded like she was carefully choosing her reaction. I started thinking frantically, wondering if I'd been rude again. I was in the middle of debating whether I should apologize a hundred times when—
[Then I'll take you as my master!]
"…!!"
I didn't know why she wanted to take me as her master, but Haram said it was fine for me to be her teacher.
"Th-thank you…! Ack, my tongue—damn it……."
[Are you okay?!]
"Uhe… I'm fine… I'm just so happy……."
I was happy. It felt like I'd gained someone close and precious.
[Right now I'm your student, but someday you'll accept me as a friend, right?]
"I'll think about it."
I answered that I would consider it.
[Well… I guess I'll be satisfied with this much for today…….]
"Huh?"
[It's nothing! Then I'll continue to serve you as my master from now on!]
Haram's voice was bright and cheerful. I wiped my tears and politely ended the call.
"Th-then please go back to streaming… I'll be going now. I'm really sorry……."
[If I end the stream today and turn it back on, I'll get in trouble!]
She said she'd just work on her avatar for today. I ended up apologizing again.
"I'm sorry……."
[No, it's entirely my fault anyway.]
She said it was fine. She really was the kindest person.
"I'll hang up now…!"
[Okayyy!]
After the call ended, I stared blankly at the ceiling for a long time.
Recently, only happy things keep happening.
It was all thanks to my siblings. Finding something I wanted to do, being able to smile even a little, meeting such a wonderful master—everything was because of them.
"It's all thanks to you two."
I looked at the childhood photo Haram had sent. Smiling softly at Minu and Jiwoo standing beside me in the picture, I whispered.
"I love you, kids."
I was probably the happiest person in the world right now.