The Apology That Never Should Have Been
After the call ended, I slumped in my chair, the tension draining from my body all at once. "U-heh… hic!" Maybe I'd been crying too hard—hiccups kept bubbling up no matter what I did. I reached for the tissue box anyway. "Khh… hngh…! Hoo." One good blow and my chest felt a little clearer. "She's nice, but she sucks the energy right out of you."
Wiping the cold sweat from my forehead, I stood up, phone in hand, and headed for the bed. "It's starting to get hot, isn't it…?" Once I crawled under the blanket, the heat became unbearable. The peninsula's weather was impossible to predict. I never turned on the boiler except when I needed hot water—air conditioning was out of the question too. The four seasons here felt like they were trying to kill me.
"…Heheh, but now that we're splitting profits eight-to-two, I can probably afford to run the AC." Sniffling, I muttered to myself and wriggled deeper into the blanket. My hand moved on its own, lifting the phone and opening YouTube. "Mizuame Akari……"
With clumsy fingers I typed Haram's username into the search bar. A single channel popped up. "…?" Something about the numbers looked wrong. [Mizuame Akari ch. 아카리!] [980,000 subscribers] "Eh…?" My mom was apparently an incredibly big deal.
"H-huh…? I-I was just talking to someone that famous… U-urp…!!" The anxiety I'd managed to push down came roaring back. The thought that I'd overstepped refused to leave my head. Making someone that important bow to me? She must think I'm the worst. "Ha-urp…! I-I'm gonna die…!" I thrashed wildly, scrambled off the bed, and sprinted for the bathroom. There I wrestled with the toilet until my stomach was empty—even though I hadn't eaten anything.
* * *
"Blergh……" That was my only thought once I finally dragged myself out of the bathroom. My stomach had settled, but my mind hadn't. "Auuugh…"
What was I supposed to do now? I'd been so rude. The thought wouldn't stop looping. "Haram was such a nice person……" She was just an incredible person. I always avoided incredible people. You never knew what they were really thinking. After the time I'd naively followed a rich CEO and nearly gotten into serious trouble, I'd learned to steer clear of anyone too impressive.
"…Can I even trust her?" I opened TreeWiki just to check if Haram had an entry. Of course she did. [Mizuame Akari] [水雨あかり] "…She really is famous." Someone like her had nothing in common with someone like me. Her profile was meticulously organized. I started skimming it anyway.
A legendary manager of famous Vtubers, currently ranked number one among solo Korean Vtubers—an all-round entertainer. She brought endless energy to every stream and fresh content every time. Fluent in both English and Japanese, with roughly a third of her viewers coming from overseas. It sounded exactly like something Jiwoo's studious friend would do.
"Haa… haa… hngh." My breathing grew ragged. Every muscle in my body locked up again. Just knowing I'd spoken with someone that important made my body go rigid. I decided I'd seen enough. The wall between Haram and me felt even taller now. On top of that, I genuinely felt like I was dying, so I opened Discord to ease the weight on my conscience.
"…Sniff." Still sniffling, I began typing a long, rambling apology to Haram. I was so, so sorry. I hadn't realized how important she was and had gotten carried away, jumping rope over the line. My hands shook as I wrote the lengthy message. Before hitting send, I moved. I grabbed the box cutter and sat down in front of the monitor, catching my own reflection.
"…I'm sorry, I'm sorry……" I poured every ounce of guilt into the words. Shrrk! The blade slid out. I'd wanted to handle this without the counselor's help today. "Please… forgive me… ugh!!" Another scar bloomed across my left thigh. Even with the reduced sensation there, it still hurt. "…Hngh… it's… it's bleeding too much."
The pretty crimson beads welled up and fell. Staring at them, I pressed send on the message.
* * *
Once the call ended, Haram rushed to prepare for her stream. 'I have to brag about my cute new friend…!' Grinning, she checked the facial tracking and her on-screen model—an adorable shark-mermaid with dark hair, a torn outfit, and a bread-shaped hat. Feeling re-energized, she went live.
-Aha!
-Annyeonghaseyo!
-hello!
-hi
-こんにちは！
Greetings in three languages flooded the chat. Haram smiled brightly and answered in kind. "Hello everyone!" The viewers responded enthusiastically.
"I'll be playing EoW today!"
"What are you even saying." Haram puffed out her cheeks. The chat cooed over how cute she looked.
"Ah, was I late?"
Scratching her head sheepishly, Haram activated the chroma key behind her character. "…I'm sorry. I'll do a dogeza."
Haram grinned at the donation and started talking about Suhyun. "I think I got someone pregnant, hehe."
"I worked with the cutest person! Hehe, just wait three months and she'll debut." Haram kept gushing about Suhyun. "Anyway, the person herself is just adorable."
While Haram and the chat were laughing, a Discord notification popped up. She glanced at it mid-stream.
The message was genuinely shocking. Haram rubbed her eyes and read it again. The apology was enough to give her a stroke on stream. "E-everyone, just a second…?" Her voice trembled. She tried calling Suhyun, but there was no answer. 'W-what?! Did I do something wrong?!' In the end, Haram had no choice but to end the stream early.
* * *
"It went deeper than I thought…." I muttered, wrapping a bandage around my thigh in the corner of the dirty room. The bleeding had stopped, but the pain lingered. I'd chosen my left leg because the nerves were duller, yet it still hurt this much. Feeling hollow, I lay down on the bed. It ached, but at least my heart felt a little lighter. The brief illusion that I'd made a friend was gone now.
"Sniff… she was streaming earlier, though." I knew watching would only hurt more, but I still wanted to see Haram. "It's a nuisance, Suhyun." I knew she was only working on my avatar because Jiwoo had asked, so I'd decided not to bother her anymore. "…But she's a senior in streaming, so maybe I can still learn something……" Making every excuse I could, I clicked on the stream. [This stream has ended!] "Ah……" Life never went the way I wanted. It felt like God was whispering that I shouldn't get any closer. Of course someone like her was out of my league. "…I thought I might be able to watch comfortably this time."
Disappointment washed over me—until my Discord rang. Trill~ Trill~! "Hic!?" The sudden noise startled another hiccup out of me. [Incoming Call] [Mizuame Akari] [O/X] It was Haram. She was definitely calling to scold me. I'd learned from past social disasters that apologizing meant "I was wrong, please yell at me." This would be the same. '…I've been yelled at plenty before.' It would just add two or three more scars to my body. Taking a deep breath, I answered. "…H-hello—"
[Unni, are you okay…? Why did you send a message like that? Do you not want to be friends with me?]
"…E-eh?" The voice on the other end wasn't angry at all. The unexpected gentleness short-circuited my brain. "Hic!? H-huh? Hik, hic!?" [Unni…?] Haram sounded worried. My hiccups showed no sign of stopping.