Depressed, But I Still Want Tteokbokki
1.
Chirp, chirp, chirp—
The sound of sparrows outside the window slowly pulled my eyes open. Sunlight filtered through the slightly parted blackout curtains, painting the edges of the bed in gold.
“Uuuugh…!”
I stretched both arms out long and wide, a pleasant drowsiness tugging the corners of my mouth upward on its own.
“Feels good…”
I climbed out of bed, drank a glass of water, then set the capsule coffee machine running.
Vrrrm—
After a brief vibration and hum, coffee dripped into the cup. The fragrant smell of ground beans filled the air.
Slip—
Espresso cup in hand, I headed for the window. Drawing the curtains aside, warm sunlight wrapped gently around my body.
Clunk—
I tried to open the right-hand window, but no matter how hard I pushed, it wouldn’t budge. Only when I lifted it slightly and shoved did it finally give way.
“Hah…”
I drew in a breath. Air that was neither cold nor hot sank deep into my lungs.
The scent of grass brushed the tip of my nose. The sky was clear and bright, like someone had stirred blue paint into water. The sunlight felt as soft and cozy as freshly baked bread.
“Perfect.”
I raised the cup and took a sip of espresso.
Slurp—
“—Uwehhehhh…”
Splat, splat—
I spat the whole mouthful straight out.
“W-why is this so bitter…?”
This wasn’t me putting on airs. I used to drink espresso all the time. I liked the aroma of the beans, the bitterness, the way the caffeine hit my system like a spike.
But this…
I stared at the espresso cup in my hand for a moment, then carried it to the sink and dumped the rest.
“Hmm.”
I pulled an energy drink can from the fridge, cracked it open, and took a long pull. No wonder the original owner of this body had stockpiled the stuff.
Total baby palate…
I sat back down on the edge of the bed.
Slurp—
I drank the energy drink in a daze for a while, then pulled out my phone. Not a single message or call had come in.
“Hmm.”
I opened a delivery app. The old me would have just thrown together soy sauce egg rice or ordered a rice bowl, but right now I was weirdly craving tteokbokki.
“Is this price for real?”
One order cost as much as a whole fried chicken. Pure evil. Having to pay that much for a nutritionally worthless lump of garbage carbs…
“Uuuugh…”
I hesitated for a second, then mashed the order button anyway.
Your order has been completed.
When the “cooking started” notification popped up, I stared blankly at the screen. Then a sudden question rose.
What kind of person was the original owner of this body, anyway?
And—
What happened to them…?
The situation I was in now had almost certainly come from the wish I’d made before passing out on soju. But why this body of all things?
The sudden curiosity made me start poking around the phone for no real reason. No saved contacts. No conversation history with anyone.
“Huh.”
I opened the gallery and found exactly one photo. Not even a selfie—someone else had clearly taken it for her.
Who took this?
I tilted my head for a moment, then let it go. Nothing I could figure out right now.
“Hmmm…”
No matter how much I dug, there wasn’t a single useful clue. In the end I sighed and set the phone down. My eyes drifted sideways.
The small nightstand next to the bed. On top of it sat a white pill bottle and a little notebook.
Do I have to look at those…?
From the moment I’d first seen them, the things had given me a weird, instinctive aversion. They were probably connected to the situation I’d woken up in—and not in a good way.
“Tch…”
I wasn’t the type to leave something that unsettled me just sitting there. If I wanted answers, I had to check them.
Once the decision was made, I moved fast. I got off the bed and went to the nightstand. The first thing I picked up was the pure-white pill bottle.
“Hm?”
I’d been avoiding looking at it so carefully that I’d missed the tiny print on the side.
Night Tabs
Take immediately before bedtime. Caution: induces drowsiness. Do not consume alcohol. Absolutely do not overdose.
“Sleeping pills, huh…”
The half-dissolved tablets that had come up when I first puked into the toilet. So that was what those had been. The bottle was obviously short by dozens of pills.
Only a few remained inside.
“Hmm…”
I had a rough idea of what had happened, but to understand it completely I opened the notebook.
I’m sorry for causing trouble right up to the very end.
If the smell is bad, please open the windows first. The right-hand window doesn’t open easily—lift it a little, then push.
“Umm…”
That was exactly what I’d done when I opened the window earlier.
There are no valuables in the room. My ID is in the second drawer. I have no family or acquaintances to contact. There is no one to call. So there is no need for a funeral.
“Yeah, there really weren’t any contacts…”
I muttered under my breath and kept reading.
There are trash bags in the box under the desk. Please put all of my belongings in them and throw them away. There’s nothing that’s awkward to discard.
When I’d cleaned the place earlier, that was exactly where I’d found the bags.
Please tell the landlord I’m sorry for dirtying the apartment. Deduct the cleaning fee from the deposit.
I left a little money in the third drawer. It isn’t much. Still, please use it as payment for the trouble I caused the person who found me and the person who cleans up.
I bent down and opened the third drawer. Inside was a single white envelope. Twenty 50,000-won bills. Exactly one million won.
Anyone can take the money. I can’t check anymore, and I can’t argue about it. Still, if possible, please use it for the trouble caused because of me.
I’m sorry for causing trouble right up to the very end.
And thank you for finding me.
After that, there was nothing more written.
The handwriting was neat. The spacing was so even it looked like it had been written with a ruler, and there were almost no heavy press marks. Here and there, though, the ink had bled as if water had touched it.
Especially the last line—
And thank you for finding me.
—that part of the paper was a little crumpled. I brushed my fingertip lightly over it. Rough, with a faint trace of leftover moisture.
“Huuu…”
I exhaled a long breath and closed the notebook. I’d sort of expected this. But actually confirming it left my chest heavy and complicated.
I didn’t know how to name the feeling. Pity, maybe. Knowing too well what she must have felt while writing those words made me sad.
Gulp—
I drained the rest of the energy drink in one go. The cold carbonation scraped the back of my throat on the way down, and some of the thick fog filling my head seemed to thin out.
“Haah…”
At least breathing felt a little easier.
I put the notebook back in the drawer and walked to the fridge.
I took out a bottle of soju. From the cupboard I grabbed a soju glass and a rice bowl. I put a little uncooked rice in the bowl. I picked up the crumpled cigarette pack that had been sitting by the sink, then stepped out into the hallway.
Crack—
I opened the half-finished soju and filled the glass to the brim. Then I took out a cigarette and lit it. When I stuck it upside-down into the rice, white smoke rose slowly.
I’d always hated the smell of cigarettes, but right now it didn’t feel so bad.
I almost put my hands together, then stopped. Bowing would have felt weird too. I wasn’t her family. I wasn’t even her friend.
So I just stood there quietly. Until the cigarette burned all the way down. That was everything I could do, and the best I could manage.
Ding—
The elevator sound from the end of the hallway made me turn my head. A delivery rider in a black helmet walked toward me. The bag was labeled “Alligator Snapper Tteokbokki.”
“………”
I turned my face forward again, trying hard not to look in that direction.
“Did you order the tteokbokki?”
Surprisingly, the rider’s voice was light and high. That made it a little better, but facing an actual person still made me uneasy.
“Ah, no?”
“Ah, okay…”
She nodded and set the bag down in front of our door.
Beep—
When she tapped something on her device, the phone in my pocket buzzed.
“………”
“…Enjoy your meal.”
The rider gave me a little bow and disappeared back into the elevator. My face burned.
“Ah, fuck, that’s embarrassing…”
I hurriedly gathered up the trash and went back inside. I made sure to grab the tteokbokki too.
“Not bad…”
Still, the tteokbokki tasted good.
2.
After finishing the meal and a shower, I sat down in front of the computer.
It wasn’t stream time yet. But since I’d woken up early anyway, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go live a little sooner.
Ding—
“Oing?”
When I opened That’s Code, a flood of messages was waiting for me. From Heukrangi, Aura, and the duo in the same bracket—all of them.
“…What?”
There was no reason for this many messages. I tilted my head and started checking them.
“Uh… yeah…”
Because I’d ended stream so abruptly yesterday, it looked like the others had taken some splash damage.
Checking the rest of the messages one by one, they were all roughly the same. I felt a little guilty and sorry, but at the same time I was relieved.
At least this much means the aggro got spread around a bit.
I let out a sigh of relief and sent apology messages one after another. Along with hamburger and chicken gifticons.
Living expenses are already tight, but… I can just eat less for a while…
Even this morning I’d gotten by on a quarter of the tteokbokki and one energy drink. Cost-efficient body, I guess.
The last one left was Heukrangi. I hesitated a moment, then sent a message.
Can’t let a freeloader slide.
And that Heukrangi girl had wronged me first, so this much was fine.
Alright, time to get started.
All the teammates showed offline status, so they were probably still asleep. Streamers usually had their day and night flipped anyway.
I already redirected the aggro, and it’s daytime, so not many people should show up, right?
Grinning to myself, I hit the Go Live button.
2.