Is There Someone Who Spent Twenty Years Trying to Legally Kill Bizarre Food? (3)

"Long time no see~"

"...You again? You were dragged in here. Don't greet me like we're exchanging pleasantries."

"Aww, come on. We've met this many times. A little how-are-you is allowed, isn't it?"

For stirring up a commotion in the city, Dias and I had been hauled in by the police. From my college days to now I'd been arrested about ten times in all, enough that I'd developed a private familiarity with the officer I always ended up facing. From his side of the desk, of course, I was nothing but a criminal who kept appearing in front of him.

"Still, it's pretty quiet today, isn't it? Last time I got brought in, there were so many people you had to take a number."

"Do not bring that up. I lost count of how many days of overtime that was..."

It had gone past a fairly large station filling to the brim. Criminals had lined up all the way outside the doors. The moment I mentioned it, the officer recoiled and clamped a hand over my mouth. He must have been worn thin lately; heavy shadows sat under his eyes.

"Here. At least have this."

"...Even if I take it, don't think I intend to let you off easy."

"It's just a small courtesy, from me to a hardworking officer."

I pulled the canned coffee I'd bought before we were arrested out of my coat and pressed it on him. His mouth refused, but his hands were already popping the tab. He took a sip and started hammering at the keyboard.

"No casualties again this time, and you didn't particularly destroy the surroundings, so we'll end this with a fine."

"Thank you~ I'll come again!"

"Do not come. Next time it really is prison."

We had set off an explosion, but with zero casualties and no damage to public facilities, it stopped at a fine. It also helped that explosive terrorism happened so often in this city it was treated as little more than a petty offense.

"...What on earth have you been doing, to have been to the station this often?"

"I did a lot of insane things back in college."

The highlights: when my major professor suggested we grab a meal, I brought a textbook down on his head. And for a bastard filming people with a hidden camera, I specially treated him to a song stuffed full of copyrighted material. The first was self-defense, obviously. The second got me picked up for a noise complaint. Neither was a particularly serious crime, so both ended in fines, same as today.

"We need to get there as fast as we can. Carry me."

"Can't you just use Race Transformation and turn into some other race?"

"No. I've only got one use left today. I have to save the last one for catching the doppelganger."

"Haah... For once I want to be the one getting carried, not the one doing the carrying..."

"I'll do it later."

"You mean it!?"

She hauled me up. Then the ground boomed.

Dias let out a deep sigh and grumbled, so I had no choice but to promise I'd carry her once, whenever she wanted. You'd have thought a single piggyback was her dearest wish; she lit up more than I'd expected. The instant she kicked off with me on her back, she stomped hard enough to stamp a footprint clean through the asphalt.

"How's that, sunbae?! Fast, right!!"

"Y-yeah—ghk—s-so fast—"

There was no way I could handle the acceleration of a stomp that left a print in the pavement. I locked a choke around Dias's neck so I wouldn't fly off, and answered as best I could through syllables the wind was crushing flat. Thanks to her going far faster than usual, we reached the restaurant in under ten minutes.

"We're here, sunbae!"

"Urp... Yeah. We're here."

I drew a deep breath and swallowed the nausea, determined not to be shown again exactly what I'd had for breakfast. Only after I'd settled a little did I notice the line stretching all the way from the restaurant's entrance. We hadn't finished the promotion long ago at all, and already the line was this long. The advertising had clearly branded itself into people's heads.

"Was it really that stimulating?"

"If an explosion going off right in front of your eyes isn't stimulating, then that would mean there's something wrong with your head, wouldn't it?"

"Are you calling me a lunatic right now?"

"You are weird, sunbae."

Half joking, half sincere, Dias was telling me I wasn't normal. For someone who had, until now, considered himself the most normal person in this city, it was rather a shock.

"I'm normal compared to the people around me, though?"

"And those people around you would be the man who turned into a magical girl, the masochist exhibitionist saintess, and the inquisitor who spent twenty years trying to legally kill bizarre food, right?"

"Yeah. Compared to them, I'm normal, aren't I?"

"Mint pizza and stinky-tofu pizza exist, so pineapple pizza isn't bizarre food? I cannot believe you just said that."

Dias answered in a tone of pure disbelief and headed around to the back of the restaurant. I wanted to argue, but catching the doppelganger mattered more right now, so I let it go. We went in through the back door marked Staff Only, looked over the dining room, and naturally joined Heresy at her table.

"You certainly made a spectacular mess of it."

"Promotion works best when it brands itself into the brain hard, once. Any sign the doppelganger has shown up yet?"

"Not yet. But there is no way that one misses a place that grew this famous in so short a time."

To keep from being spotted as infiltrators, we ordered several plates of pasta and ate as slowly as we could.

Slurp!! Slurp!!

"Mm!! Sunbae, this place is seriously good!!"

"Who do you think picked the restaurant. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠It may not be popular, but the taste is guaranteed."

"I would prefer it if the two of you remembered that we are in the middle of an infiltration."

The sound filling the air suited inhaling better than eating. I glanced sideways and found Dias with her face buried in the pasta, sucking it down as if she'd fully reverted to a beast. Heresy, across from us, was no better. Anyone watching would have thought they hadn't eaten in days.

"Thunbae. If anything, this makes us less suspicious, you know?"

"Finish what's in your mouth, then speak. And from now on, if you aren't getting enough to eat, say so. I am not so hard up that I cannot feed one of you."

"Th-this is just because it's the first good food I've had in ages! Normally even two servings is plenty for me!!"

"Sure. Sure. Eat first. We'll talk after."

Watching her eat like that, I felt a pang of guilt, wondering if she'd been eating less all this time because of me. She insisted that wasn't the case, but contrary to her words the empty pasta bowls already numbered five. She'd eaten with her face practically planted in the dish, and sauce speckled the corners of her mouth. Leave her like that and she'd definitely resent me later for not telling her she had something on her face, so I pulled a napkin and wiped her mouth.

"Mmph—mmph."

"Hold still. You'll only smear it worse."

Even while I wiped her she kept jerking her head like a dog refusing medicine, so I caught her chin and forced her to stop. Heresy had paused mid-pasta and was staring at the two of us, blank and unblinking.

"Are the two of you lovers?"

"Koff—!!"

"We're an ordinary sunbae and hoobae. I'm doing this because this one would absolutely ask why I didn't tell her she had something on her mouth."

Heresy's question struck Dias square in the solar plexus without a shred of mercy. Dias choked, and I patted her back while answering that we were not. Heresy looked at her with doubtful eyes, then shortly apologized, saying she must have been mistaken.

"Guest, the dish you ordered is ready~"

The owner headed for another table with a plate of pasta. Unlike the others, though, this one had a lid on it, hiding what the pasta looked like. It was suspicious no matter how you looked at it, and Heresy and I exchanged a glance.

"Behold, the masterpiece of our establishment!! Starch Toothpick Pasta!!"

Fwoom!!

The instant the lid came off, the bizarre food sprang out. At the same time the doppelganger set off a smoke grenade and blinded the room. I finished the transformation almost in the same breath the smoke burst, and used the sphinx's innate ability whether the smoke cared or not.

A grinding roar tore through the air.

In a flash, what had been a restaurant became an endless desert where simply standing there dried your throat. The people who had been peacefully eating pasta panicked ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠at the scenery that had swapped out beneath them.

"All right! I know this is startling, but everyone please calm down. You can't leave here unless I allow it anyway, so."

"W-why us, all of a sudden? D-don't tell me this is a kidnapping?!"

"This is not a kidnapping. There's one doppelganger in here. I had no choice but to drag all of you into catching them. As compensation, the pasta is on the house."

Get five people together and one of them is trash. Someone was bound to rage about why they'd been dragged into this, so I headed it off by promising compensation up front. At my words, even the ones about to voice a complaint hesitated and shut their mouths. Somewhere in the meantime the doppelganger must have changed into someone else; the owner's face was nowhere to be seen.

"Answer this one question, and I'll let you out of here!"

"Uh... what kind of question?"

"It isn't a very difficult one!!"

I needed a question the doppelganger wouldn't know, and that only they themselves would. After a brief think, I decided this was the best one and asked it.

"All right! What color is the underwear you are wearing right now?"

"Black."

"Yes! You pass!!"

I immediately excluded the one who answered from the ability and let them out. A doppelganger who kept changing forms wouldn't have had a second to check the underwear they were currently wearing, so all I had to do was pick out the one who couldn't say.

"B-blue."

"Red."

"It's white!!"

"I'm not wearing any."

Seeing the first man leave, the other customers followed one after another, blushing as they named their colors anyway. The one at the end who said he had none seemed a little dangerous, so I sent him out a bit later.

"Sunbae... do I... have to say it too?"

"Tell her to answer, and this time I truly will cut her throat."

"The two of you can't leave. We still have a doppelganger to catch. And I'm not curious anyway."

Heresy was radiating a killing intent thicker than ever. I was the one who declined, and I went back to hearing the remaining customers' answers.

"Gray."

I let every customer out except the one who had just said gray.

"Did you think you could pass by naming any color at all?"

"...Damn it!"

Only for those trapped inside the sphinx's ability can a sphinx tell truth from falsehood. Honestly, if you'd come out to eat you would have changed your clothes—but not knowing the color of your own underwear? That was absurd.

The doppelganger charged me at once. We rolled across the ground, and sand scattered. As the sand cleared, the doppelganger—now wearing my exact face—pointed a finger at me.

"This one's the fake!!"

"...Sunbae. Do you remember back in college, when you confessed in front of the whole school, got rejected, and begged me to kill ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠you?"

"Of course I remember! You have no idea how humiliated I was back th—"

"What the hell kind of nonsense is that. In college I was a beast, and you were the only one who ever came near me."

If I'd ever had an experience like that, I'd already be ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠on my second life. The doppelganger, having given an answer different from mine, tried once more to tumble with me and scramble who was who, but Heresy subdued it faster than that.

"At last I have you, heretic."

"Heh heh... You think catching me will sever the faith of those who desire bizarre food? Someone will carry on my creed!!"

"We shall have that talk at length in the heresy chamber. I will train you so you can never eat bizarre food again."

With that, Heresy led the doppelganger off somewhere. After a rough cleanup, we returned to the errand agency.

A day later, while I was browsing the gallery, I found a post from someone whose fixed nickname was BizarreFoodEradicator.

Seeing the doppelganger's punishment proceeding rather smoothly, I decided I'd seen enough of the gallery for today and turned my phone off.