Since Ancient Times, Unicorns Have Been Famous Couple-Breakers (1)

After Heresy stopped by yesterday, not a single other customer showed up, so I was killing time scrolling the decent posts when a thread with an unusually furious title caught my eye.

"Just keep walking. What kind of bastard even does that?"

"What are you looking at that you're swearing?"

"Some crazy horned pony went and dug up a passing couple's secrets for no reason."

"Horned pony? Oh—a unicorn?"

A unicorn. People call them creatures of myth and all the rest, but they're nothing more than horses with a horn stuck on. Even so, unlike an ordinary horse, they do have one special trick—just as the post said, they can tell whether or not someone is a virgin. Put one in the same space as a woman who isn't, and they feel an urge they supposedly can't endure without charging horn-first.

"But then how do unicorns get married?"

"No idea. Want me to ask?"

The wisdom of the crowd exists for moments like this. The gallery was already talking unicorns, so there was no need to bait anyone the way I had last time.

"That's what they say."

"That's amazing. Is this the power of love, too?"

"Maybe. But isn't that the cake I bought?"

"It is?"

Dias was eating the cake I'd bought for myself with absolutely no shame. Far from an apology, she hadn't even asked if she could start on it early—beastly, through and through—so I quietly lifted the bat that had been sitting beside me.

"I saw it only had a day left before it expired. And you hate chocolate cake anyway, sunbae. You always say it's too sweet."

"Those feel like two separate issues."

"I ate the chocolate because I like it. I'll buy you a cheesecake with my own money while we shop today."

"...Next time, say that part first."

I barely set down the bat I'd raised fully intending to crack her skull on the spot. Her words hinted there was nothing left to eat, so I headed for the fridge—and the thing that had been packed full only a few days ago was completely bare.

"I haven't eaten that much..."

I sneaked a glance at Dias's stomach. The late-night snacks, pasta included, were definitely in there, and yet far from sticking out, it was toned enough to show a hint of muscle.

Thwuck!

About five seconds later, my vision cut to black, and a pain like sand poured straight into my eyes came crashing down.

"Fuck, my eyes...!!"

"Staring that openly at a lady's stomach is rude, sunbae."

"Some lady."

The pain was nothing other than Dias jabbing me in the eyes. When I writhed on the floor like an insect and talked back, she ground a foot into me as if I really were one.

"...I may not look like much right now, but I am your boss."

"You'd have a hard time getting any work done without me anyway, sunbae."

"Tsk."

Faced with a threat from someone who knew exactly how necessary she was, I clicked my tongue short and got to my feet.

"Let's just go buy groceries."

"Okay~"

I changed into a T-shirt and pants easy to move in and waited outside. A full twenty minutes later, Dias finally emerged—a white blouse with the shoulders bare, and a black skirt in the exact opposite color of the top. On a face that was already pretty, she'd put on makeup. Anyone who saw the outfit would assume she was headed out on a date.

"Did you make plans to meet a boyfriend today or something?"

"The only man around me is you, sunbae."

"Then why'd you dress up like that? All we're doing is grocery shopping and coming back."

We weren't even going to be out all day, so I looked at Dias—who had very clearly dressed with intent—and let the question show.

"You never know, right? If I go out looking like this, somebody might try to pick me up."

"Well, with a face like yours, most guys would take the bait."

"...Then why are you like that."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing."

Dias whispered it in a voice smaller than an ant. I asked again, wondering what she'd said, and all I got back was her back as she walked on ahead, looking thoroughly wounded.

She was acting stranger than usual today. ...Is today that time of the month? Wondering if this was the magical day, I turned on my phone. So that's why she ate the chocolate...

"Aren't you coming?"

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

Her voice hurried me along while I checked my phone. I figured I ought to be as considerate as I could today, and fell in step beside her. Sure enough, on the way to the mart, the men walking the street each gave Dias a look.

"Do you like this one, sunbae, or does this one suit you better?"

"I am very clearly here to buy groceries. Why are we looking at clothes?"

"We're out shopping anyway, so we might as well look at these too. So which is better?"

"The one on the right."

Humor her a little, and somehow I had ended up in a clothing store that had absolutely nothing to do with groceries. Dias shoved two outfits in front of me and asked. On a normal day I would have told her to wear whatever, but I was supposed to be considerate, so I played along. Only after being sacrificed to a full two hours of outfit changes did we get to do any actual shopping.

"I'm exhausted..."

"From looking around for a mere two hours? Shouldn't you be building your stamina a little more, sunbae?"

"Strictly speaking we shopped too, so it's three hours. And my stamina is pretty good. You're just abnormal."

"It'll come up short later, you know."

After a full three hours of shopping, we headed for a nearby café to rest a moment. We arrived before long, and the instant we went to step inside, someone grabbed Dias by the shoulder. I turned, thinking it was a man drawn in by her looks and angling for her number—and the first thing that caught my eye was a spiral horn, glittering where the light hit it.

"What do you want with m—"

The unicorn announced it like some machine and vanished into the crowd in an instant. Dias and I couldn't accept a situation so absurd our minds refused it, and the two of us just stood there for a full minute. Once we barely got our heads together, we turned right around and went back to Arim's Errand Agency.

Boom! Crunch! Crack!

The moment we got back, Dias went outside without a word, and soon I heard the sandbag I'd set out for stress relief being demolished.

"You grab someone's shoulder out of nowhere and say what?! Not a virgin?! You f*&%—I'll split you in half and %&*^$^...!!"

"........."

The sandbag that had shown no problem at all when I hit it declared surrender after a few punches Dias put her heart into. Every time her fist flew, a sonic crack rang out like a gun going off, and when the noise kept coming, the police who responded took one look at her murderous presence and backed off.

"...Why is she like that?"

"Because of a crazy pony that's been grabbing random women lately and announcing whether they're virgins or not."

"Ah~ that's been famous lately. It isn't even illegal, so we're in a real bind too."

"I'll try to calm her down somehow, so please head back quietly."

"Thank you."

The officer who'd come up beside me heard the whole story, nodded as if he agreed a hundred times over, and left. Now the problem was how to calm the beast who'd gone full berserker. I had to talk to her if I was going to settle her down, but walk up now and I'd definitely be reduced to paste.

"Nothing else for it."

The sandbag was clearly about to be destroyed completely. Blowing up one bag wasn't going to vent this, so to keep myself from becoming paste I turned into a hard-bodied golem and approached.

"Dias."

"I'm going to snap that horn off and plant it in his precious eye socket."

"Dias."

"I'll kill every last unicorn."

She couldn't hear a word I said. No matter how I called, she wouldn't turn around, so I had no choice but to use the last resort.

"Whoever called you a non-virgin is g—"

"Hey, kitten."

"I told you not to call me that, sunbae!!!"

Only after that last resort did Dias finally turn this way. A sharp crack—and even transformed into a golem, chips of stone pattered off the spot she hit. In human terms, it was about taking a boxer's punch to the side of the head.

"Calm down for a second. I know better than anyone that since your college days, you were the loser who went uh-buh-buh the moment anyone tried to talk to you."

"If you know perfectly well I'm not some non-virgin, why do you have to say it in such a roundabout way!!"

This time a fist came for my face. It didn't carry the same force or momentum as before. Realizing she had definitely calmed down, I sat her in a chair.

"What we know for sure is that unicorn bastard is going around lying like this, using his ability as cover."

"Should we just find him and snap the horn off without a sound?"

"Come on. That's too boring. We've got to wreck him so the story gets around—make sure people hear we did it properly."

He'd dared lay a hand on the one and only employee of this errand agency. A normal beating wouldn't do. To ruin him so thoroughly he could never hold his head up again, I started getting ready to head out.