Self-Destruction (11)
The inside of my mouth was parched, and a fierce thirst burned all the way down my throat. I cracked my eyes open carefully, rolling them around to clear the fog in my head. That was when I realized exactly where I had woken up—and the moment I did, a jolt of ice-cold goosebumps raced across my entire body.
Why the hell am I here?
I shot upright in a panic, clutching my pounding skull and scanning the room again. There was no mistake. This was Soyeon’s bedroom. It looked like I had passed out after drinking. The last thing I remembered was Soyeon heading downstairs to get ice. After that… nothing. The film had snapped clean in half.
“...Crazy bastard.”
An unknown terror gripped me at the thought that I had no idea what I’d done. What I might have said or done in front of Soyeon last night—I couldn’t recall a single thing.
…I didn’t slip up, did I?
I pressed my hands to my head, desperately trying to dredge up even a fragment of memory, but it was useless. I let out a long, shaky breath to calm my sinking stomach and patted myself down. My dress shirt was gone, but other than that, nothing seemed especially out of place. The fact that I was still alive and intact suggested I hadn’t done anything catastrophically stupid—like revealing my true identity to her.
“...Haah.”
I’d offered to teach her about drinking, only to drink so much I blacked out. I sighed heavily, cursing myself, when I suddenly realized I couldn’t see Soyeon anywhere. She had been far drunker than me.
Worry slammed into me. I hurried out to look for her and, thankfully, found her sooner than expected.
“...So this is where you were.”
Soyeon was fast asleep on the living-room sofa. I had no idea why she’d chosen to sleep there, but it was probably because I had passed out first. Shaking my head at the mess I’d caused, I walked over, lifted her gently into my arms, and carried her carefully up to the second floor.
With a soft thud, I laid her down on the bed, then quietly began cleaning up the drinking table. I poured every drop of remaining alcohol down the sink and opened and discarded all the untouched bottles as well. At this point, she should have learned just how terrifying alcohol could be.
By the time I finished cleaning, it was already three in the morning. Only then did I check my phone and see that no messages had come in at all. The fact that even my wife hadn’t contacted me suggested she assumed I was staying with Soyeon and had decided not to bother us.
“...I’m losing my mind.”
Guilt toward my wife weighed on me until I finally sent her a quick message.
Since we also needed to discuss Soyeon’s friends, I figured it would be fine to head to the academy a little later from my wife’s house. I grabbed my wallet and hurried to the nearby convenience store. I bought two hangover cures, drank one myself, and left the other in Soyeon’s fridge. Then I sent her a message as well.
After that, I gathered my things and left the house.
On the way to catch a taxi, the cool dawn air sobered me up a little, and a forgotten detail suddenly resurfaced.
“Ah. The shirt.”
I had left my school uniform shirt in Soyeon’s room.
…Well, I’m coming back tomorrow anyway.
With that thought, I slowly continued on my way.
After Jihwan finally left the room, I slowly opened my eyes and sat up with care.
“...”
He had taken all his belongings. He probably wouldn’t come back. Still, just in case, I sat on the bed and stared at the now-empty room. Blankly. Motionless.
How long had I been sitting there like a broken doll when—ding—my phone on the desk chimed with a message notification.
I knew no one should be contacting me, yet something pulled me forward with a tiny, foolish spark of hope. I rose from the bed and walked to the desk.
Two messages waited on the screen. One from the delivery driver, the other from Jihwan. I ignored the driver’s message and opened Jihwan’s first.
A short apology. I buried my face in the phone, reading the message over and over, etching every word into my mind. Then a question rose.
What exactly was Jihwan apologizing for?
Did he truly believe he had done something wrong? Or was he just saying sorry out of habit even though he remembered nothing? What on earth was he sorry about?
The rage that had barely settled flared up again. I ground my teeth.
I recalled the way Jihwan had touched me last night. For someone with no dating experience, his skinship had been far too natural. For someone who had never kissed before, his technique had been devastatingly skillful. The way he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, the way he pulled me close and kissed me, the way his hands never stopped caressing my body during that real kiss—every movement had been disgustingly smooth, sickeningly expert.
I didn’t want to believe it, but his touch already carried the heavy traces of another woman.
I had already given up on the idea of his purity the moment I considered he might have sold his body for me. I told myself it couldn’t be helped, that my foolishly pure Jihwan had simply been deceived by some old, filthy whore. I tried to silence my own suspicions.
But then—his gentle, loving touch and the tender way he called my name shattered my heart.
Jihwan hadn’t been looking at me. He had been looking at someone else. Not me. Another woman.
“...”
The instant another woman’s name had left his lips, fury nearly made me want to destroy everything. Disappointment rotted me from the inside. Grief hit so hard I thought I might cry tears of blood.
After all those destructive emotions burned through me, only one feeling remained.
Envy.
Maddening, bone-deep envy toward a woman I didn’t even know.
No matter how much I told myself that Jihwan cherished and loved me, the fact that the woman his body remembered wasn’t me remained unchanged.
“...Hic...”
My eyes burned with fresh tears. If only he had been toying with me. If only I had been fooled by trash like that—then it wouldn’t hurt this much.
He had carried me from the sofa to the bed, cleaned the entire house himself, and even bought medicine for me in the middle of the night. How could I call a man like that trash? How could I say he didn’t care about me?
Yet the more Jihwan cherished and loved me, the more I rotted away inside.
It would be fine if he didn’t cherish me. I just wanted him to love me too. I was ready to do anything, to match anything he wanted…
I could make Jihwan happy just like that woman did…
“...Hngh...”
Overwhelmed by helplessness, I cried weakly. I lay back down on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. The pitch-black ceiling seemed to expose the rotten, decaying mess inside my chest.
How long had I been lying there? Eventually the tears dried up, leaving only a hollow chest filled with crushing loneliness and envy.
“...”
Desperate to forget this horrible feeling for even one minute—one second—I reached for the phone I had tossed aside.
And that was when I noticed another message hidden beneath Jihwan’s.
A USB. It was the USB.
After moving around slowly to sober up, it was already close to four in the morning by the time I reached my wife’s house. Worried about waking anyone, I crossed the yard as quietly as possible. Since everyone should still be asleep, I planned to sleep in a different room so I wouldn’t disturb my wife.
…At least, that had been the plan.
“You’re back?”
Until I ran into the wife who had been waiting for me.
“Uh… you’re awake? …Or did you not sleep at all?”
Caught off guard by her unexpected appearance, I swallowed hard and slowly approached her.
“...Haaam.”
She covered her mouth with a small yawn. Her slightly dazed expression suggested she really had just woken up. So she really hadn’t contacted me because she thought I was with Soyeon?
I scooped her up as she playfully spread her arms, then carried her straight to the master bedroom. After gently laying her on the bed and trying to change clothes as if nothing had happened, she spoke softly from where she lay.
“...Did you drink?”
I cleared my throat, pretending to be calm, and answered honestly.
“...Yeah. With Soyeon… it just kind of happened.”
My wife simply stared at me quietly. She didn’t ask what had happened or press for details.
“...Go wash up.”
“...Okay. I’ll be quick.”
It almost felt like she was being considerate of me.
The cool water washed away the lingering drunkenness. I finished my shower and skincare quickly and returned to her. We had a lot to talk about.
As I came out drying my hair in a bathrobe, my wife took something out of a small box and handed it to me.
“...It’s a sobering potion.”
A potion. I had already taken a hangover cure, but a potion would work even better.
“Huu…”
I downed the potion she gave me in one go. The moment I started to take off the robe to change into pajamas, my wife quietly slid closer. Her hand slipped inside the robe, stroking me as she asked.
“...Did something happen?”
Her sticky touch glided over my skin while her eyes met mine. I naturally wrapped my arms around her waist and looked down at her.
“...Yeah. It’s a bit… serious.”
She let out a short sigh, then loosened my robe a little more and whispered in a sultry voice.
“...Is it going to take long?”
She must have felt lonely while waiting for me.
…I should indulge her here. Talking about Soyeon right now wouldn’t solve anything anyway. Deciding to match her mood first, I slipped my hand inside her nightgown and caressed her soft skin.
“...Mmmh…”
Enjoying the sweet sound she made, I massaged her backside. Soon my fingertips felt a faint trace of moisture.
…She must have been really needy.
She was the type to ache after missing even a single day. Since I had fallen asleep at the studio apartment yesterday, it made sense.
After confirming her body was ready, I deliberately stopped the hand that had been kneading her. She immediately gave me a longing look that begged me to continue. Her moist, reddened eyes looked especially beautiful today.
“It’ll take a while… but we can go slow.”
I tightened my grip on her backside hard enough to leave marks. With a sweet “Mmmh…”, she rose onto her tiptoes as if she had been waiting for it and pressed her lips forward, begging for a kiss. Between her plump lips, the tip of her cute little tongue peeked out shyly. I released her backside, stroked her waist teasingly, and kissed her slowly, deliberately making her wait.