How to Rip Off an Arrogant Mustache Without Lifting a Finger

"Who's that guy?"

"That's Teacher Walter. He's the one currently in charge of the Spinsters Class who keeps giving our husband the stink eye."

"Never heard the name before."

"But why does he look so displeased?"

"He keeps saying he should've been the one assigned to our class, so he wants to kick our husband out of the homeroom position and steal the spot for himself. The reason's probably as excessive as that mustache of his, so I hope that clears it up."

"Oh my, is this the teacher-on-teacher turf war I've only ever heard about in rumors!?"

"I've never seen anything like this!"

"To think a petty man like that actually exists...!"

I ignored the whispering voices coming from beside and behind me as the Kaiser mustache approached. He casually snatched a glass from a footman and stood there swirling it with an air of leisure. I debated how to respond to that slippery attitude, but beating around the bush wasn't my style, so I went straight for the throat.

"Cut the obvious act. What kind of bullshit are you spewing when you were holding your breath until we announced our class date?"

"Hmm? I wonder what you mean~?"

"That arrogant mustached bastard's playing dumb right to the end."

"Hohoho~!"

Let me say it again: academy OT scheduling is decided by the new students' class—the ones doing the inviting. We were as considerate as possible to avoid overlapping dates with other classes, yet Walter's group stayed quiet until we set ours and then suddenly picked the exact same day.

I knew he'd try something, but I never expected him to barge in so openly. What the hell is he thinking?

I couldn't figure it out. Elena seemed just as lost. She gently drew the guests back and vented the irritation on my behalf.

"I can't believe you even followed us to the banquet hall Aisha prepared. You really are a tiresome man. We have no recollection of sending you an invitation, so would you kindly leave now~?"

"My, my, Lady Elena. Please refrain from statements that could lead to misunderstandings. I secured this room through perfectly legitimate channels~."

Legitimate channels my ass. Did he buy a ticket from a scalper or something?

The unexpected person to answer that question was Selena.

"Now that you mention it, I heard earlier that another class rented the floor directly below us. Is that you, by any chance?"

"Indeed, Lady ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Selena. As you surmised, our Walter Class has claimed the entire floor beneath this one~!"

"...What?"

The claim was so ridiculous that even after hearing it directly, his mustache twitched upward in shock.

"Why the surprise? Regardless of the reason, isn't the Spinsters Class a special gathering that draws distinguished guests from across the continent? An OT isn't strictly an event only for upperclassmen, so it's only natural for peers to mingle and enjoy themselves. With the hope of fostering wholesome interaction between our classes, we've taken the form of renting the floor below! It may be somewhat unpleasant, but since this was done with our students in mind, I humbly ask you to overlook it with a generous heart~!"

Wahaha! After baring his greed so blatantly, his mouth still spouted nonsense about "a teacher's heartfelt wish for students to interact." Talking about exchange while openly antagonizing me—yet that tongue of his flowed like a mountain spring.

"Should I call that guy quick-witted or just say it's annoying how competent he is? I never dreamed he'd charge in like this."

"Tell me about it. If we'd left the class to him, he might've actually done a decent job."

"You're joking, right?"

"I'm the type who gives credit where it's due."

I agreed with Selena's words, but the discomfort in my chest remained. As I stared at him with open displeasure, wondering if that was truly his real intention, Elena once again bit back in our stead.

"Haah. And he's shameless on top of it. Seeing you entangled with a man like this really highlights our husband's suffering. First of all, what does he even stand to gain by pulling something like this?"

The Kaiser mustache twitched.

"It's rather disappointing to hear you say that. If anyone's gaining anything, it's Lord Ludo over there. If you think about it, I'm actually in a position where I should be receiving his gratitude?"

"Excuse me?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"From the looks of it, the OT is fully booked and thriving, yet even accounting for that, attendance is rather low, isn't it~?"

The "attendance" he referred to wasn't the guests—it was "our class's students."

Elena, Selena, Wilhelmina, Sylvie, Nia, Aisha, Tam. When you added it up, only seven students had shown up for the OT. No matter how many guests there were, the fact that not even ten students attended was an uncomfortable truth that was hard to hide.

"That's something the homeroom teacher—me—should be ashamed of. It has nothing to do with you, does it?"

"Aw, don't be so cold, Lord Ludo. Shouldn't we help each other out in difficult times~?"

I listened to see what fresh nonsense this was, and sure enough, he laughed like he owned the stage and revealed his little scheme.

"You remember, don't you? How I, Walter, declared that I would invite those distinguished guests in your place since you were too lazy~!"

He was talking about the "declaration of war" he'd made when he came all the way to our classroom. I'd completely forgotten about it after spending that pleasant night with Selena.

"From the way you're talking, it sounds like you managed to bring a few."

"Of course! Unfortunately I couldn't bring everyone like I initially declared, but still—two whole people! Two individuals answered my invitation, along with many teachers who support me! We plan to interact most amicably~!?"

"You even invited other teachers..."

"Isn't that obvious? While the students mingle, we teachers should build our own friendships. So how about it, Lord Ludo? Why don't you come down to the lower floor and show your face at the teachers' gathering? Since your class's students are there too, it would be perfect to kill two birds with one stone! Or perhaps... is the homeroom teacher too ashamed to show himself because he doesn't even know what his own students look like~!?"

He was deliberately shouting so the whole room could hear. Thanks to that, even the groups that hadn't been paying attention started perking up their ears.

"To think he'd call in the students Teacher Ludo can't control and use them to undermine his opponent by parading them in front of other teachers."

"Underhanded."

"I've heard teachers play politics among themselves, but seeing it this blatant is..."

"Is Teacher Ludo just taking this one-sidedly?"

"It is true he has students he can't control. What Teacher Walter is saying isn't entirely wrong."

"Even so, the man's too cheap to earn any goodwill."

"Having your own class's students attend another class's OT does feel a bit off..."

Reactions were split. Some didn't defend Walter but admitted he wasn't completely wrong. The two furious princesses raised their eyebrows sharply, ready to argue back, but I grabbed their shoulders and gestured for them to stay quiet.

"Teacher. Why are you stopping us?"

"Just stay put."

"Why?"

"Think ca~refully about why I'm staying so relaxed."

At my words Selena's mouth fell open in realization. "Ah!"

"Now that you mention it, where did you go before the OT started today, Teacher?"

"Nowhere special. I just went around encouraging the kids to join the OT even if it was last-minute."

"All the way to the Exile District where we are?"

"Yep."

"Aha~♪"

Having explained this far, she seemed to understand everything and flashed a triumphant little smile. Her older sister Elena, however, still didn't get it and made no effort to hide the expression that said she was about to explode because of me.

"I don't know what you're talking about! But I can't just stand here and let them talk about my husband any way they please!"

"Elena, enough."

"No! I'm going to say something!"

"Hey. I said stay quiet."

"—Eh?"

So I forcibly held her shoulders and chin in place.

"Ah, w-wait, husband... that's... mmmph~!?"

Perfect timing. I stole her lips, effectively stealing Walter's turn while I was at it. At the sudden display Elena was startled but clearly delighted. Selena made a choking noise beside us, and Walter dropped his wine glass mid-laugh.

"Lord, what in the world—are you in your right mind~!?"

The people who had been comparing me and Walter fell silent and blushed. Of course they did; I'd just planted a kiss on her in front of everyone. The ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠exact atmosphere I wanted had been created.

"Hoo... Hey."

"Ah, yes!"

This time I called over a footman, accepted a wine glass, and acted completely at ease. A madman who had just stolen a princess's lips was standing here like this. Who would dare ignore the words of such a remarkable man?

"Yeah, Walter. I heard you squawking loud and clear. You were so damn noisy my eardrums are ringing. While I'm enduring this tinnitus I'll ask you one more thing—the two students from our class who supposedly attended your OT. Could I hear their names?"

"S-suddenly asking that? A teacher who doesn't even know where his own students went is clearly unqualified as homeroom—"

"No no no. You fucker. Skip the clichéd insults, stop answering questions with questions, and just answer me."

Thanks to the kiss with Elena, even when ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I threw in curses the room stayed quiet. My voice carried smoothly without needing to raise it. Walter, clearly unhappy with the atmosphere, answered in a crawling tone.

"The daughter of the Peerless Alliance Leader, Lady Baek Biseol, and the princess who rules the northern lands, Lady Brunhild Ringar..."

"Oh, is that so?"

I deliberately swirled my glass for everyone to see. Acting relaxed in front of this many people was a first, so I felt embarrassed inside, but I smiled quietly while being careful not to let it show on my face.

I'd memorized the attendance sheet ages ago, so I knew exactly which students in our class were problem children. On top of that, I'd confirmed this morning exactly who had left and entered the Exile District, so holding back my sneer was nearly impossible.

"Walter. Didn't I give you advice back when you came to our class and declared war?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Every single student in our class is abnormal. If you invited the wrong person, your OT might get flipped upside down. And when that happens I won't take any responsibility, so brace yourself. —I definitely said that, didn't I?"

"You did say something like that, but..."

Walter raised his voice again, apparently trying to find fault even with that.

"Ahem. Everyone, look! What does this lord think of the students in the class he's responsible for! To think a teacher would openly spout such things! A teacher should embrace his students with love above all! Doesn't this clearly prove the man is unqualified to be a homeroom teacher~!?"

Despite his earnest appeal, not a single person openly agreed. Of course not—most of the guests here had come at the princesses' invitation. People who didn't want to risk their family's standing weren't about to respond to that kind of provocation.

"Hey. Stop the nonsense and just answer. You're saying you recruited those two even after hearing the warning?"

"That's right! Unlike you, Lord Ludo, I'm not a heartless teacher! Even if they were students you abandoned, I, Walter, will embrace them with love! How about it? Isn't this the difference between you and me~!?"

"Well. The new student OT is the first and last event they'll experience after entering the academy. Since they won't do it twice unless they re-enroll, I gave you that advice with genuine sincerity—especially be careful."

"What the hell have you been trying to say this whole time!? If you've got something to say, say it clearly!"

"It's nothing complicated. You've even dragged in fellow teachers, so ruining your very first OT would be quite the loss of face. As a fellow new teacher, I can only offer my sincere sympathy."

"S-sympathy!? You, who neglects students, daring to sympathize with me—Walter...!"

Walter's mustache shot straight up. He looked like he wanted to roar "Stop talking nonsense!" right then and there. But before he could, the floor beneath our feet shook violently.

"Earthquake!?"

"Ah, no, I don't think that's it."

"Don't you feel a sudden chill?"

"I think I hear screams coming from the floor below..."

"Everyone, look out the windows!"

The guests rushed to the windows to see what was happening outside. Walter, sensing something had gone wrong, shoved people aside and stuck his head out first, craning toward the floor below that his class had rented.

"Huuuuurgh!!"

His breathless scream earned everyone's ridicule. And for good reason—below, an enormous chunk of ice had slammed into the banquet hall like a cannonball. Walter's students were running around in panic, screaming their heads off.

Naturally, the crowd down there included the teachers Walter had invited as well as the blue-haired witch responsible for the disaster.

Brunhild Ringar.

One of the biggest problem children in our class.

"Walter."

"Lord Ludo, what is this!"

"What is it? Exactly what I warned you would happen. I told you over and over to be careful when inviting our students, but you ignored my advice just to score a point against me. This is the result."

Judging by the size of that embedded ice, that crazy bitch had definitely done it. Princess Sylvie had repeatedly warned not to invite her, but he'd done it anyway and received his just reward.

"I-ignored?"

"That student from our class you see down there—Brunhild Ringar—is no ordinary witch. Her hobby is cursing any man who approaches her. She probably only attended your OT to turn all the boys into ice statues. Did you really not know?"

For the record, she also has a strong sadistic streak, and any man standing in front of her gets slapped with a curse that freezes them if they don't speak their true feelings. After checking the attendance sheet and making some inquiries, I'd learned that much. Hearing it, I understood a hundred times over why Princess Sylvie had avoided her.

"No way, Lord Ludo! Did you set me up!?"

"Bullshit. Other people heard my advice too, so don't try to shift the blame onto me now. Above all, the one who said they'd heard that advice was you."

"So that's why you kissed her on purpose! To announce in front of everyone that you bear no responsibility for what happens from now on!!"

"Saying it like that makes it sound like I used my own woman for personal gain. I may not look it, but I'm an extremely platonic guy. So please refrain from saying things that could cause misunderstandings."

While acting relaxed, I tilted the glass I was holding—not toward my mouth, but straight over Walter's head.

"Puhuuuuurk~!?"

His rigidly upright mustache drooped pathetically as it got soaked. It was clearly rude, yet neither Walter nor anyone else pointed it out.

"Hu, huuh, kuhuuuk!"

The one who should have been the most furious couldn't rampage; Walter was too flustered. The urge to fight me and the worry for his students were at war inside him.

"One body but two conflicting desires—what a perfectly you problem."

"Ludo... you son of a bitch...!"

He trembled like a wet dog and snarled, but it wasn't the least bit scary. I pushed him toward the entrance, taking over the role of guide myself.

"While you're standing here, your cute little students might be getting seriously hurt. If you're really a teacher, shouldn't you worry about saving them instead of getting revenge on me?"

That seemed to snap him back to his senses. He pointed at me.

"Ludo, I will never forget today's humiliation! I will make you regret insulting me, Walter, like this! If the day ever comes when you scream in regret, never forget that my share of that despair will be in there!!"

"I get that you want to vent. But this time you got the wrong address. You started it, you finished it. I'm purely the victim here."

"Aaaargh! I'll expose your true face no matter what!"

Why the hell is he cursing on such a nice day?

"Stop ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠interfering with someone else's class OT and crawl back to your hole, you pathetic loser."

"Kuuuuurk!!"

His voice was so grating that I mercilessly kicked the thoroughly soaked bastard in the back. Walter rolled away like a tumbleweed and disappeared outside the hall. The servants who had been blankly staring at my gesture finally snapped out of it and rushed over to close the doors.

We waited just in case, but the firmly shut doors never reopened. After all, even though he was a teacher, the only thing he left behind was the sound of him frantically running down to the lower floor.

"They self-destructed without us even lifting a finger. There's a limit to how unsightly you can look."

"He's definitely going to blame me. This is going to be such a headache."

After that we straightened out the atmosphere and resumed the OT. The academy guards were dispatched to rescue the people downstairs and all sorts of chaos erupted, but fortunately it didn't cause us any trouble. We safely completed our first event.