Fading Embers (6)

"So, you weren't planted here by House Grian after all."

The Principal slowly swirled the glass in his hand.

Then, he slowly drained every last drop of its contents.

Setting the empty glass down, he picked up a small spoon from the table and began scraping at the undissolved sugar settled at the bottom.

The only sound filling the room ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was the scraping of the spoon against the glass.

After staring down at the gathered sugar on his spoon for a long moment, the Principal finally spoke in a low voice.

"Does the Empire still doubt our loyalty?"

"I am not sure what you mean."

"I have heard enough, so you may leave. As for your classes... they will be assigned appropriately."

The Principal waved his hand dismissively.

I gave a brief nod and left the office.

My head was so full of thoughts it felt like it might burst.

If it had been the original Lihen, he would have been busy trembling just standing before such a high-ranking figure.

He wouldn't have been able to say a single word properly, walking on eggshells, only to wipe away cold sweat after leaving the room.

But now, none of that felt even remotely important.

Sunlight from beyond the courtyard walls filtered diagonally into the hallway.

Passing students glanced at me and quietly stepped aside, but I barely registered them.

When I pushed open the door to the faculty office, Arin was standing in the corner, even though there was a chair right in front of her.

As if she were used to waiting on her feet.

"Where did we leave off?"

"...Are you going to keep talking about that?"

"I came all this way to find you, so yes. We have to talk. We have to say something."

"If you cared enough to search for me all the way here, why didn't you just follow me back then?"

"I told you clearly back then too. If I could have followed you, I would have."

"..."

Instead of answering, Arin's fists trembled.

Then, she glared straight at me.

The girl from the past couldn't even make a face like that.

She was a child who didn't know how to get angry at anyone, nor how to glare at someone like this.

Raised on nothing but love, she was a child who knew how to do nothing else but smile and share that love with others.

Others mocked her for having her head in the clouds... but if not for that naive innocence, I would have suffocated to death in House Grian long ago.

And in a place as desolate as the Capital, it seemed even that innocence was bound to wither away.

"Do you think I wanted to stand in the way of what you wanted to do?"

"Then why did you tell me it would be best to give up on being an adventurer?!"

"So, are you happy now?"

"..."

"Do you feel like you're living a romantic, free life?"

"...At least it's better than staying in that village, waiting around just to marry someone."

"If you had left alone saying that, I would have accepted it. But... you just followed some man you'd only just met."

"He had other people besides me...!"

"'He'? Is he someone so noble that you must speak of him with such reverence even in front of me?"

"...What do you want from me? Lihen, what are you... what do you want? Do you even realize you're acting like a child right now?"

Loving someone is perhaps the most primal emotion.

That is why, when you come to love someone... you ultimately have no choice but to act like a child.

Whether it is family, or a romantic interest.

Like a young child who throws tantrums, cries, and screams when they don't get what they want.

"Or do you want me to strip in front of you and fawn over you too?"

"...Did you do that for him?"

"What do you think?"

Arin let out a mocking laugh.

The Arin I knew... was a child who didn't know how to make such a venomous face, nor wear such a cynical sneer.

Mingling with those bottom-feeding scum of adventurers had ultimately changed her like this.

If I had escaped House Grian sooner, if I had taken Arin's hand and fled to the Capital... we would have been caught by the pursuing knights before we got very far, but at least I wouldn't feel like this right now.

"What do you think, Lihen? Do you want that too?"

"There is no way... fuck... I would ever want that."

I felt like throwing up.

My stomach churned, so I lowered my head for a moment before slowly raising it again.

Even so, I couldn't end the conversation here.

Neither Arin nor I would want to take back the words that had already spilled out and pretend they never happened.

"Then what do you want?"

Arin's voice dropped a register.

"You've always been like this. A greedy little brat who wanted so much, yet could only beat around the bush, never able to say what you actually wanted."

"...I never beat around the bush. I only said I wanted you to stay in that village."

"..."

"I begged you not to leave. I asked you to just stay right where you were."

"Would anything have changed if I stayed?"

Arin didn't look at me, whispering as she stared down at her clasped hands.

"Look, Lihen. I didn't know it was to this extent, but there's no way I wouldn't have realized you were someone of high status."

It was the same gentle voice.

Yet it sounded different from the tearful, angry voices I had heard every time I died.

I didn't want to hear a voice so worn down by life coming from Arin.

"A girl who looked like you came by once, and then a pretty woman came by. They both said the same thing. That as long as I knew my place, they wouldn't get rid of me. And they told me not to tell you they visited."

"..."

"I thought if I became a famous adventurer... you know? They get treated better than most low-ranking nobles. I thought if I did that... there wouldn't be any problem with me staying by your side..."

"Those are the kinds of people who only appear once in a decade. They would have succeeded no matter where they went."

"If I had known that...! If I had known, do you think I'd be like this now?! I know... I know I'm a stupid idiot, you don't have to tell me, Lihen."

"I told you clearly back then too. Or do you regret it now? Wishing you had listened to me?"

"What's the point of saying that now?"

"..."

"Or... do I look pathetic to you? Of course I do. Because if I had just listened to you, I wouldn't have ended up like this. I wouldn't have appeared before you in such a miserable state. Tell me, if I had just listened to you, I wouldn't be like this right now, would I? Do you know that being dispatched to the Academy like this is actually considered quite successful for an adventurer? If I knew this was what success looked like, I would never have come up here."

"So stop talking like that."

I met Arin's eyes as she glared at me.

Arin... doesn't glare at me like this.

Even if she got angry, she was a child who didn't know how to make such a face.

She was a child who felt awkward even letting words like "fuck," "idiot," or "shit" cross her lips.

My hands were shaking.

I managed to pull a cigarette from my coat and put it between my lips, but when I struck a match, it wouldn't light.

Once, twice. My fingertips trembled uncontrollably, repeatedly missing the mark.

When the third attempt failed to catch a spark, I slammed my trembling hand down on the desk beside me.

There wasn't even a dull thud.

It simply shattered.

The solid wood collapsed along its grain in an instant, spilling debris onto the floor.

As I took a step forward, Arin flinched and took a step back.

Her eyes were filled with fear.

It was the first time Arin had ever looked at me with such eyes.

"Arin, no matter how hard things were for you, there's no way you had it harder than me."

What did it matter anyway?

"There's no way you had it harder."

I wasn't even sure if the person in ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠front of me was Arin anymore.

"I struggled to survive and came all this way just to see you, so how dare you say something like that to me?"

"Did I crawl out of that fucking hellhole just to meet some pathetic girl?"

With every step I took forward, Arin retreated.

Even though she was backed into a corner out of habit and had nowhere left to go.

"Are you telling me I survived all that just to meet some pathetic, jobless bitch?"

"Please don't tell me I slaughtered all those living people just to meet someone like you. It shouldn't be like that."

Before I knew it, I reached my hand out toward Arin's face.

"I... I kept trying ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to let go of my expectations. I tried to convince myself that meeting someone like you would only end in disaster. I tried to give up, thinking there was no way you'd be living a decent life in the Capital."

I grabbed her chin and turned her face side to side.

She looked exactly the same.

She looked exactly the same, and yet.

"In the end, I still hoped."

Why does the inside always change when the outside remains the same?

It's not ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠like this girl had died.

"I mean, of course, right? You... you were my light."

It's not like she had died over and over like me.

"Then you should have remained someone worthy."

It's not like she had slaughtered countless people.

"No matter what you did after following another man, even if you fell in love with someone else... you should have at least remained shining. Did I just set myself up for disappointment? What does it matter anyway."

There was no way I could feel sympathy for Arin, seeing her live so miserably.

Even if she showed how miserable and difficult her life had become in the Capital compared to the happiness she felt in the village, I couldn't bring myself to pity her.

Because Arin wasn't allowed to be like that.

"You should have drawn a line and called me 'Professor' from the moment we met. I must seem useful to you, don't I? Dressed so neatly, holding a decent position. Since you got all the way here by latching onto another man, were you planning to offer me your body just like you did with him?"

Arin began to sob.

Yet, the words that had already escaped could not be taken back.

"But is a whore like you even worth my time?"

Wiping away my own tears... I muttered blankly.

"Did I die so many times just to meet someone like you?"

With that, I drew the sword from my coat, slit my throat, and pierced my heart.

Arin, weeping in the corner, came back into view.

Once more.

Should I just... get rid of the girl in front of me?

Maybe then, it would all finally end.