Obedient Flesh, Unbroken Mind
At first, I wavered, unsure. It felt as though I had truly become a woman who lived for pleasure alone. I had never known sex this pleasant, this easy, and I couldn't bring myself to believe I was allowed it.
But there was no other way. If I resisted, all that waited for me was more pain, more suffering. And after all, I — my body — could not refuse pleasure. The moment a cock entered me, this lewd body would gush and come apart, drowning in sensation. I should have been disgusted with myself for savoring a woman's climax, but I wasn't. The act itself had simply become too rapturous to feel anything else about.
If I was going to be made to feel good regardless, then rather than choosing to endure the ache of a heart torn open, wasn't it far wiser to surrender myself wholly to the pleasure? I had already fallen into this hell with not a single soul on my side — surely I was permitted to think that much, at least?
I asked myself the question, and then I persuaded myself. That I would never grow addicted. That I was only seeking release, nothing lacking, nothing more. Just as those men used my body to spend their lust, I too was simply masturbating — with what hung between their legs. I went on persuading myself, over and over. Because I did not want to go mad.
The results were not bad. Held in someone's arms, moving my body as I pleased, my flesh and mind soon brimmed over with more satisfaction than I knew what to do with, and I writhed in pleasure as though I had taken some drug.
"Your aroused face is terribly lewd, Lady Saintess. I feel I could bring you to finish again and again like this — may I keep going?"
"Yes. More. As much as you want... hold me..."
Devoting myself to nothing but the act, I felt so good my expression melted clean away. I even had the sense of an emptiness being filled. Hopefully, when it was over, nothing lingered. I was still me. The Saintess Serina who still dreamed of escape was still there.
"Lady Saintess, if you have a moment—"
"Yes, yes! Come in, please!"
"Oh... you seem to be in high spirits."
"Ah, I was just entertaining a pleasant daydream. Come here."
Once I arrived at the simple wish to feel good without consequences, I found I could smile at the men who came to my door.
"To be cradled in your arms, Lady Saintess, feels as though the Goddess herself is watching over me — it is positively blissful. Have you, too, found your peace?"
"Nngh... me too... it feels... good..."
That was the moment a great change took root. Whenever it happened, all that mattered was that my will did not bend. Just as I always had, I could offer my womb obediently even to this man who pinned me down craving nothing but my body. I could permit him to sow his seed inside me, let him drive his cock into me as he pleased. Nothing about it was a problem. These men were nothing more than masturbation aids that made me feel good.
Two weeks passed. This time, a great change occurred.
"It gladdens me beyond measure to glimpse your resolve to cultivate becoming speech and conduct, Lady Saintess. Might something have changed within your heart?"
"Nnh, yes. Your instruction, Father Ervan, has... hnn... been such a help... aahh."
Every priest came to know that I had abandoned resistance entirely. I would yield my body while keeping my mind unyielding — I had resolved to cultivate my defiance on the inside, not the surface. And so I was able to grow more honest with myself. Honestly, setting everything else aside, if you weighed only the satisfaction the act itself delivered, nothing else even came close. That much was simply true.
Come to think of it, even back in the days I was with Lean, there were moments when I wanted it to feel better — when I had to ride him myself, I would sway my hips just so, slyly angling him toward the spot I wanted. Yes. Let me be honest. So long as I kept my mind intact, I could see this long war through. As I always had, I need only strive for pleasure alone in the moments I was being violated. Afterward I could return to my senses and simply remember it as sex that had felt incredible.
Once the situation grew simple, something like peace settled in my chest. And so I came to not want to lose it. At first this sharp-eyed priest seemed to suspect something, but after two weeks of my devoting myself to the act and rocking my hips without pause, Father Ervan had lately shown me nothing but smiles.
"You need say no more than that. This alone has me looking forward to all the time that lies ahead with you, Lady Saintess. Today, as a special kindness, there will be no other lessons — you may simply feel, at your ease."
"Th-thank... you... nngh!"
"If it troubles you, you need not hold me."
Those words were not kindness. They were a command — the kind that, should I fail to perform properly, would see some penalty visit me one way or another. Ervan never once offered me a true choice. When he said I might embrace him, it meant: embrace him.
As told, I wound both arms around his back and drew him in. Though our bodies had merely drawn a little closer, the pleasure changed in kind. Every time he pierced me deep and our bodies collided, the flesh of my hips shuddered, and the heat pouring off him coiled around me from head to toe. Drunk on it, I found myself craving more than this. I coiled my legs around him, straining to press him flush against me. His demand, put another way, meant that if I managed this one thing properly, everything else was mine to do as I wished.
"Do you desire something else?"
"Ah, nn... yes! More... hn, hn, deeper... please, deeper!"
It seemed my meaning had come through. When Ervan blanketed my body entirely with his own, my chest was crushed beneath him and his face drew near. Without a word, he pressed his lips to mine. But I think my tongue was the quicker to move. The pistoning slowed to a crawl, yet the instant our tongues met with our bodies fused into one, my mind seemed to dissolve completely — and in the end, I was the one who came apart.
I wanted him to churn me deeper inside. I wanted him to keep ramming that spot with all his strength until I broke. More, more, more...
"Nnh, aahh...!"
By the time that dizzy spiral of thought had run its course, everything had already ended. The cock slid out, and I felt the wetness soaking me below. It still drummed hot against my lower belly, unmistakably demanding something.
"...Nnnh."
"Lady Saintess. Might you not care to continue?"
Had the promise of being fucked longer ever sounded as sweet as it did in that moment? There was no reason to refuse. What he meant was that he intended to use my cunt until the very moment his strength ran dry — so I had best brace myself and spread wide.
"...Nnh. Yes."
So as I gave that answer, I had to show him more earnest devotion than I ever had. This was the man who had preached, over and over, that when a Saintess receives a man, she must not think only of his satisfaction but lay bare everything she is as a woman. He meant for me to seduce him of my own accord.
"Please... give me more..."
Soon his cock hung heavy over my body. Gulp. Before I knew it I had swallowed, my eyes tracing every last ridge and vein, quite unable to tear themselves away. It fell a little short of Cardinal Fry's, but even so, the satisfaction of a size that stuffed me completely full was beyond all words. Even without my moving my hips, it dragged across every wall of my sheath and prodded deep inside — so much so that after only a round or two, my body had started reacting before I did. And in moments like this, when he dallied and made me wait, calming my fevered heart was nearly beyond me.
"Father... please, come... quickly..."
"Hm. If it is no imposition, might I be permitted a glimpse of your desperation, Lady Saintess?"
Even after I had debased myself this far, when he still would not simply give me what I wanted, I nearly broke down on the spot. But I found the answer quickly enough.
".........Yes. I... I'm desperate for it..."
Now he meant for me to spread myself like something cheap, didn't he? I decided to oblige. Seizing my buttocks in both hands and pulling them apart, I felt my cunt bloom wide open, his spilled seed trickling out of me.
"Fuck me more with your cock, Father."
"Where?"
"In S-Serina's cunt... aahh!"
This time, a far harder cock bored into my depths in a single thrust. I had already spent three hours in this man's arms, and the pain had melted away in no time.
"Does it feel good?"
"Ahh, yes! Hah, nnh, it's good!"
This, I realized, weighed heavily in my decision to become an obedient Saintess. When I fought them, they raped me. They coveted nothing but the holes my body came with, forcing their way through my flesh, violating me, wounding me, humiliating me. But when I yielded, they did no harm at all. The ones taken with my face wanted ordinary lovemaking between a man and a woman, sweetened with conversation; the ones who wanted my body took care that I came away unbroken.
And.
"I am heartened to see you reclaiming yourself, Lady Saintess. At this rate, the day you serve as a proper member of the Order is not far off. Are you not looking forward to it?"
"Nnh, hah, yes! I'm... looking forward to it!"
Unlike Lean, who had left me with nothing but despair, this man tried to give me hope. Lean, who wanted me all to himself, had cast his spells to make me feel love for him — dozens, hundreds of times a day he would declare his love, trying to shatter my mind first. Now I could say it with certainty. This is better than my time with the Hero. Because these men do not love me. They only ever wanted to fuck the Saintess — nothing more.