Delusion (28)
Delusion (28)
I walked down the stairs.
Pushing open the great front doors of the empty estate with both hands — no servants anywhere — I stood there for a long while, watching Estelle's back as she strode away at an unhurried pace.
Her pure white hair blazed stark and vivid beneath the ash-gray sky.
Like footprints left behind in a snow-covered field.
She never once looked back before the doors swung shut.
My eyes met Serepina's. She had been watching me the whole time.
"What have I done."
I muttered it under my breath.
The words resonated somewhere deep inside me, an echo I couldn't locate.
"Do you love her?"
Serepina asked.
Her voice stayed quiet, but it filled my skull like water rising in a sealed room.
If this were before, I probably would've said something noncommittal — I think I love her, maybe I do — something like that.
But I didn't want to offer evasions now.
Not to someone who had loved me that much. Not at the very end.
Never mind the absurdity of only reaching this conclusion at a moment like this.
"Yeah. I love her."
I held Serepina's gaze as I answered.
She seemed to stop breathing for a second.
Then she asked again.
"Then... before the engagement ended — did you love me?"
"I did."
"As much as you love the Saintess?"
I couldn't answer that.
I don't remember.
And even if I did remember, I wouldn't know.
No one in their right mind tallies up love as they go.
You know whether you love someone. You don't know how much.
"I don't remember."
"Before... you would've lied and said you loved me more."
Serepina smiled, just barely.
A sad smile that only managed to lift the corners of her mouth.
"I'm sorry."
"No. I... I'm the one who ruined everything."
Tears slipped from her remaining eye.
They traced the lines of her scars as they fell.
She wiped at them with her sleeve.
Her voice strained to sound bright.
"Ah... I told myself I'd keep smiling until the end. It's not going well."
I pulled a handkerchief from my breast pocket.
I'd meant to wipe her tears myself, but I couldn't read the distance between us anymore, so I simply held it out to her.
She looked back and forth between my hand and the handkerchief, then took it with care.
"I wanted to stay beautiful, in your memory. To be someone who smiled. I look terrible right now, I know."
"You're still plenty beautiful."
Serepina stared at me for a long, unblinking moment.
Then she stepped closer and took my hand.
Her fingers were cold, and rough in a way that bore no resemblance to how they'd once felt.
"You're still beautiful, just like before. But I've changed this much."
She traced her fingertips slowly over my face — brows, lips, cheeks, nose.
Each touch was feather-light as it passed.
For someone touching a young man's face, her hands moved with remarkable gentleness.
"My left eye is gone. Scars everywhere.
My hands — you'd never believe they belonged to a woman."
Dizziness swamped me.
Levina. Estelle. Serepina. Every one of them had ended up this way because of me.
I stumbled backward, vertigo pitching me off-balance. Serepina stepped forward to close the gap.
"If I'd approached you like this from the start. If I'd ignored what everyone else said, like I'm doing now. If I hadn't taken it for granted that you'd always be beside me. If I hadn't treated you carelessly. If I could've just acted on what I wanted... I wouldn't be standing in front of you looking like this."
I couldn't even begin to think of a response. I just gave her a smile.
I was afraid that whatever I said would make her cry.
Serepina didn't seem to want to cry.
"When things were hard for you... it was the Saintess beside you, wasn't it. Not me."
"Things were never hard. It was all my own fault."
Serepina shook her head at that.
"You don't have to try to comfort me, not like before."
Her right eye was still glistening.
"I hate her. But I suppose I should be grateful that at least someone was with you at the end."
She ground her teeth audibly, then took my hand and led me back into the study. She shut the door behind us.
"If you married her... you shared your love with her."
She wandered the study as she spoke, looking around.
The way someone might tour their own room.
"It's the end, anyway. Can't you do the same for me?
You said you loved me once..."
Before I could answer, Serepina began undressing.
She removed her top. Let her skirt fall.
Then she folded everything neatly and set it on the nearby chair.
There were so many wounds on her body.
A long scar ran from her shoulder all the way down to her left hip.
Serepina moved to remove her undergarments, then stopped.
She stood frozen like that for a long while — and then, without warning, the tears came. She looked at me.
"How... did I end up like this."
The tears streamed from a single eye, crossing her scars, gathering at the tip of her chin, falling toward the floor.
"Even now, all I'm doing is asking for repayment, aren't I.
You're not the kind of person who trades his body for something in return."
She whispered that she was sorry, and began gathering her clothes to dress again.
I watched her and said the first thing that came to mind — something utterly unfitting for the moment.
"Do you want to go get some chocolate cookies?"
Serepina laughed as she answered.
"That's what you like. I like them too, but...
I also want some bread with lots of cream on top."
* * *
About four days passed.
The explosions, the screaming, the howls of rage that had been filtering in through the windows — all of it drew nearer.
Sometimes I caught glimpses of Estelle fighting right outside the glass.
Her white hair flared like a flash of lightning through the dust and detonations, there one second, gone the next.
The estate filled with people who were dying or had already lost limbs.
The corridors reeked of rot and blood.
It felt like living inside a slaughterhouse.
Demons occasionally breached the ground floor, and fighting would erupt inside. Every time, walls crumbled and dust rained from the ceiling.
Estelle was likely dead.
I hadn't seen her in a while now.
Levina looked at Serepina, who had been staying close to my side, her expression difficult to read.
"Ravin. I'm heading out first."
"You're not staying here?"
"Two mages together won't change anything."
Levina gathered her staff and a small dagger, then walked out through the already-blasted-open doors.
"Ravin. Tell me I made you happy."
"...You made me happy, sister."
Levina's shoulders trembled at that, but she didn't look back.
I left the study door open and threw the windows wide.
Then I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes.
Serepina stood behind me, arms wrapped tight around me. When a massive explosion rattled the walls, she slowly released her hold and stretched.
Before walking out of the study, she glanced back and asked:
"Can you tell me you love me, Ravin?"
"I love you, Serepina."
She smiled at that, and stepped out.
Her footsteps were light — like someone heading out for a stroll.
Outside, the shouts and screams, the wet crunch of bodies being crushed, the endless thunder of explosions went on without pause.
I didn't get up. I pulled my pipe from my coat, packed the tobacco down tight.
Sprinkled some of the white powder Levina had been stockpiling and occasionally handing me across the top, flicked a flame from my fingertip, and lit it.
A few hours must have slipped by.
The estate, which had been deafening, gradually went quiet.
Someone's final death rattle. The sound of blood boiling. Footsteps moving through the halls.
The footsteps drew closer and closer, until someone walked into the study.
It was a red-haired demon with a single horn jutting from the left side of his head, wearing immaculate clothes that practically boasted of his high station. He stopped and stared blankly at me, doing nothing but puffing on my pipe.
"You... carry the same scent as I do."
The demon spoke.
He drew the sword at his hip as he asked.
"Are you a kinsman who infiltrated here as well?"
"Kinsman, you say. I've no idea what you mean."
Right then, Rineta poked her face around the doorframe, looking thoroughly panicked.
"Y-young Master! Y-you have to answer him properly! You know how he is! He's got a horrible temper!"
"Rineta? Where have you been, and why are you suddenly—"
"Anyway, just speak carefully! I have things to do!"
The moment her eyes met the demon's, she stuck out her tongue at him, blew a raspberry, and vanished somewhere.
My head felt like it had been scrambled.
It was never a well-oiled machine to begin with, but right now the dizziness was staggering.
Still. I was about to die.
And then I'd go back. Back to that tiresome room at the academy.
"There's no way I'm your kinsman.
I don't look like dogshit, the way you lot do."
The demon ground his teeth at that.
He actually seemed aware that his kind were hideous to look at.
They probably never meet anyone besides each other, so of course they've all got faces only their own kind could stomach.
"State your name."
"All you're getting is that I'm the Duke of Edelgard."
"I've seen nothing but kings and nobles who flee. So there is, after all, a man among the humans who still understands honor."
The demon grinned, thoroughly unpleasant.
"Unlike other humans, you don't reek offensively. So despite your words being insufferably foul, I will grant you the privilege of last words."
I slouched deeper into the chair and dragged harder on the pipe, letting the smoke fill my lungs before releasing it.
"Go fuck yourself."
The demon's face crumpled.
Not long after, my limbs were severed in an instant, my torso split in two, and my vision went sailing through the air.
I locked eyes with the sword-wielding demon, and moments later my head spun around, the cross-section of my severed neck sliding into view.
The glimpse I caught through the window beyond — it was breathtakingly beautiful.