Delusion (12)
Delusion (12)
Some time passed.
I opened the door, meaning to leave for the church.
A collision — a dull thud against the door, a short cry, and the muffled sound of someone hitting the floor.
Serepina sat sprawled in the hallway, clutching her forehead.
"Serepina?"
I stared down at her, startled.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes — yes, I'm fine."
She rubbed the spot she'd hit, her face tight with discomfort.
"What were you doing out here?"
"I was ... I didn't know how to start a conversation, so I was just standing here trying to figure it out."
A hint of color rose to her cheeks. She averted her gaze, embarrassed.
"That bakery I mentioned before. Do you still remember?"
Her eyes drifted somewhere around her own knees rather than meeting mine.
"I remember."
I answered.
The pink on her cheeks deepened. She traced the tip of her shoe against the floorboards, the way someone does when they're about to ask a favor they think is far too much.
"Would you like to go together this weekend?"
I already had prior arrangements with Levina for the weekend.
"This weekend might be difficult."
I turned her down.
Her shoulders visibly sagged.
"Oh ..."
"Let's go next weekend."
"Ah — wait. Are you ... is that all right?"
Her voice jumped in volume. She couldn't hide the slight tremor of anticipation at the edges of it.
"Yes, next weekend works."
At that, her whole face brightened. She nodded several times, too pleased to disguise it.
"Speaking of which, what happened with the annulment?"
When I asked, a faintly bitter smile crossed her lips.
"It worked out. Well — not quite. My father was furious. But none of that matters as much as being here with you."
That was all she would say.
I wanted to press further. I couldn't.
The Serepina in front of me was feeding me only the words "Ravin" had always longed to hear. It almost felt like a dream. Watching her, I kept thinking she's always changing — always coming closer, always showing me something different — and yet she seemed trapped in the same orbit as before. Maybe, as Serepina herself had once told me, a part of her wants me to stay the same. So she'd have an excuse to resent me without guilt.
I was still chewing on that thought when she spoke again.
"So where were you headed?"
I glanced at the floor.
Then I answered.
"Just a nighttime walk."
"... That's a lie."
Serepina cut straight through it.
"What do you mean, a lie?"
"Ever since we were children. When you lie, your eyes always drop to the floor. Exactly like you just did."
I didn't reply.
"You always do this, and how am I supposed to — haah."
She let the sentence trail off.
"Is it something you can't tell me?"
Sincere concern pooled in her eyes.
"It's not that I can't. Just ... could you not ask?"
Explaining that I was on my way to visit the person I had locked inside a church was, in its own way, difficult to articulate.
"... Fine."
She looked up at me, a trace of disappointment seeping through her expression.
Where had I seen that look before?
I chased the thought back — back to the time I'd hidden in Levina's room, and Serepina had come looking for me, gazing at me with those exact same eyes.
A sudden throb split through my skull.
The door left ajar.
Serepina standing in front of it.
The long, unbroken corridor.
And Kyle, who had found me hiding there and dragged me out without mercy.
Serepina, standing beside him.
The same Serepina who hadn't let me even choose how to die — who'd had my wrist severed so I couldn't do it myself, who had watched me burn alive until the very end — that Serepina bled into the Serepina before me now.
I knew, rationally, that she was different.
I knew it.
A fine tremor ran through my right hand. The strength drained from my body in a cold, creeping wave.
Cold sweat slid down my back.
My breathing turned shallow, ragged.
I staggered and braced myself against the wall.
"Ravin? Are you all right?"
Alarmed, Serepina hurried to my side.
She caught my arm. I leaned into her support — and then my eyes met hers.
For a long, dazed moment I simply stared at her.
I watched a flush creep across her face, and just then Levina, still inside the room, surfaced in my mind. Then Estelle — the way she'd panted, cheeks blazing after the kiss.
I seized Serepina's hand.
I pulled the door half-shut and dragged her inside.
She stumbled after me, too startled to resist.
"Honestly, this is what you want too. Just like all the rest of them."
The words came out in a murmur. I was speaking, but I didn't know what I was saying.
"Guess burning me to ash left a little something to be desired after all."
I was looking at Serepina. But I wasn't seeing her.
The world in my vision smeared at the edges, blurring. Only the faint outline of gold hair and blue eyes remained.
"I — I don't — I don't understand what you're saying right now. R-ravin?!"
She stammered as I raised a hand to her cheek.
I stroked her face, then shoved her onto the bed.
Her back hit the mattress.
Slowly, I climbed over her.
And stroked her cheek again.
Serepina's face had gone an impossible shade of red. Her pupils shook wildly.
"One moment you're demanding an annulment, the next you're making a scene because you won't go through with it.
One moment you say you can never trust me, the next you're telling me you do.
Showing up out of nowhere, accusing me of lies — whatever I do, wherever I go, what does it have to do with you."
She twisted beneath me, trying to answer.
I didn't want to hear it. I bit down lightly on her right earlobe.
"Hngh!"
A shocked cry tore from her throat.
I murmured low against her ear, almost a whisper.
"Is it because if I go out and cause trouble again, if you hear ugly rumors about me, the fallout will stain you?
Or because you used to pray every single night that I'd die?
Because being next to someone like me brings you nothing but harm?"
"No! What is — what is wrong with you all of a sudden?!"
Serepina tried to push herself up from the bed.
"Hic — !"
Each time, I bit her ear, and each time a violent shudder wracked her body and she fell still.
"Well, congratulations on somehow wriggling out of the annulment. Did you have to hack off your esteemed father the Count's hand to do it?"
She looked utterly bewildered — completely at a loss. At the same time, being pinned down like this had thrown her into deep confusion.
"That's enough!"
Her face a furious scarlet, Serepina shoved me away.
She stared at me, breathing hard.
"You — have you lost your ..."
She trailed off. Our eyes met and her expression went blank, the rest of her words dying on her tongue.
In those blue eyes I saw my own reflection — crying.
"I've been trying so hard to pretend none of it affects me. Trying to push you away. So why do you keep coming closer? Why do you keep showing me you've changed? Why do you tell me you trust me, why do you worry about me? Just ... keep doing what you always ..."
My voice shook.
"Because I'm not the kind of person who can take that without wavering."
The blur in my vision cleared.
I could see her again — Serepina, face flushed, lying on my bed.
I slumped to the floor and spoke quietly.
Serepina hesitated for a moment, then slowly approached. Her expression was almost spellbound as she reached out with her sleeve and wiped the corners of my eyes.
"It's just ... I mean — no. It's been strange from the very beginning. But now it's gotten stranger. I'm sorry."
She asked if I was okay. I shook my head.
"I think my head's warped. It was never right, and now it's worse. I want to act normal. It's not working."
I didn't want to say any of this.
"Pat my back like you used to. Tell me everything's going to be fine. The way you comforted me when my mother died — tell me everything's going to be fine."
Without understanding any of it, Serepina wrapped her arms around me and gently patted my back. Her face was awash with confusion and pity.
And as I held her tight, I realized where things had gone wrong.
Not "Ravin" — I couldn't remember what my own name had been.
I couldn't remember who I was.
Nothing remained of my life except a thin, hazy residue. Everything had begun to blur after I'd read a certain book in the archive. I couldn't tell which part had come first — couldn't tell anything.
At the same moment, a translucent window shimmered into view.
Something in it had grown longer.
[Collect the Endings. 4/?]
[Currently Collected Rewards: Lingering Fragrance, Afterimage, Lingering Trace]
[Reward: ???, Love]
I stared vacantly at the window, still wrapped in Serepina's arms.
Then I clawed up what little remained of my memories from reality.
I wrenched out only the painful ones — Serepina, Estelle, Rineta, Levina. Every memory of dying. Every memory of wanting to die. All of it.
I began repeating, over and over, that I wanted to escape this horrifying, godforsaken place — that I wanted to go back to where I belonged.
The window flickered.
[Collect the Endings. 4/?]
[Currently Collected Rewards: Lingering Fragrance, Afterimage, Lingering Trace]
[Reward: ???, Return to the Original World]
"... Ah."
The world went distant.