Delusion (11)

Levina came into my room, her face drawn with exhaustion.

She didn't close the door behind her or step inside—she just leaned against the doorframe and watched me for a moment, her shoulder resting against it like it was the only thing holding her up.

"Have things been manageable lately?"

Her gaze swept the room. It passed over the floor where the broken glass shards used to be, then the bare stretch of wall.

"The room's a little more wrecked than last time."

"I've just been busy. Haven't had time to clean."

I'd straightened up a bit, but too many things that had once filled the space were gone, and the room felt hollow. Where Serepina's landscape painting had hung, only nail marks remained, the emptiness there impossible to ignore.

"So is that why you brought the servant here? To tidy up?"

I paused at Levina's question. Servant. It took me a second to remember she meant Rineta. I'd almost forgotten.

"I found her a room. The one next to the dormitory, like you said."

She added that casually, and I thought about Levina firing that ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠spell at Rineta back at the annex. A sour taste rose in my mouth. I didn't let it show.

"Thanks."

I gave her a small smile. The corner of Levina's mouth twitched upward—barely, almost imperceptibly.

"Anyway, you look terrible. Something difficult going on?"

I shifted the topic. My voice came out genuinely concerned, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠which was funny even to me. I kept a straight face.

Levina pressed her fingers to her forehead. "Just... dealing with some exhausting things."

She waved it off vaguely.

"How are the headaches? Any better?"

"All that medicine you gave me helped a lot."

A faint smile spread across her lips. "Not running low?"

"I could use a bit more."

"I'll bring more tomorrow."

She paused, then tilted her head slightly, the smile still playing at the corner of her mouth.

"What do you think of the effect, by the way?"

"It's fine. Takes the edge off when my head hurts or I can't sleep."

Levina nodded. She pushed herself off the doorframe and walked toward me, slow and deliberate.

"My head's hurting right now. Mind if I try some?"

I didn't hide the reluctance on my face, but I still pulled the pipe from my coat and packed it with leaf. From a small box, I took a pinch of sticky powder and sprinkled it in. I held the pipe out to her.

"I've used this one. That alright?"

Levina's face colored faintly, and she shook her head. "I don't care about that."

She stared at the mouthpiece for a long time, then brought it to her lips with a light bite, chin tipping up slightly—asking for a light. I struck a match. She drew the smoke in deep.

Her face crumpled instantly.

"Cough! Hack— keh!"

She coughed like her lungs were trying to turn inside out, tears welling up in her eyes. I slowly retrieved the pipe from her hand.

"You don't even smoke. Why would you do that?"

"You do it every day. I just... wanted to try it once."

Her voice came out a little unfocused, a pitch higher than usual. I tapped out the barely-burned leaf, extinguished the ember, and wiped the pipe down with a cloth. The mouthpiece was slick with saliva, as if she'd been licking it. I cleaned it without a word and tucked it back inside my coat.

Levina stared at me blankly, then spoke, her voice low.

"The broken engagement. It might be delayed."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Count Belluz suddenly sent a letter of apology, saying he'd treated a serious matter far too lightly."

There was a baffled edge to her voice, the tone of someone who couldn't make sense of it.

"No idea what got into him."

She fixed her eyes on me.

"Did something happen with Serepina?"

"Nothing happened. We barely even see each other these days."

"Really."

"She's just being fickle."

After that, the conversation died. Silence settled in the room. When Levina and I weren't fighting, our words always seemed to trail off like this, full of gaps. We had more things we couldn't say to each other than things we could.

"These days. Is there really nothing going on?"

"I told you I'm fine. What's this about?"

"A few days ago, something disgraceful happened in the family. Things are unsettled. Stay quiet for a while. Like a dead mouse."

Unease crept into her voice.

"I'd say I'm already doing that."

"More than now."

"You're not going to tell me what happened?"

Levina started to brush it off—nothing I needed to know—but her words trailed into something else. She hesitated for ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠a long time.

"My uncle. And my mother. They both disappeared at the same time."

Hearing that, I had to be careful. I kept my face blank, fighting the corner of my mouth that wanted to twitch upward.

"At their age, maybe they decided to elope or something. Who knows."

Levina murmured it, fingers pressed to her temple. The exhaustion on her face was stark.

And a thought crossed my mind: if only Levina weren't standing right here in front of me—maybe I'd be living a decent life. Or maybe a trash life, but at ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠least a better one than this.

Levina was the one who gave me the drug in the first place. So maybe she's the one destroying me. But I can't lay it all on her. In the end, I was the one who used it because I wanted to. No matter how hard I searched for someone to blame, the problem always circled back to me. The solution, then, was for me to become better. But studying a bit, being suddenly kind to people, tossing out some charity I'd never bothered with, acting diligent—none of it changed anything.

Everyone already thinks I'm garbage. If I walk up to some girl swinging a sword with nothing but shallow knowledge and tell her she'd be better suited to a bow, who the hell is going to listen? No one. But maybe they'd listen if it came from the head of House Edelgard instead of some bastard vermin. From a bastard to the Family Head—that'd be a real step up, wouldn't it?

And for that, Levina has to be removed. One way or another.

I didn't want to use violence. The fact that I'd shot her—after everything she'd done to me, and I still thought of her as family—had rattled me more than I'd expected.

But there were other ways. This thing between us went far past normal siblings.

Half-siblings, maybe that explained it from the start.

An attachment doll. A mutt who'd finally learned to heel. I don't know what exactly she sees me as. But one thing's certain: Levina's attention is excessive. Enough to feel sickening.

"Still, agonizing over it won't fix anything."

I stood up, put an easy smile on my face, and walked over to her. I let my hands rest on her shoulders and kneaded gently.

"Clear your head a little. Let's go somewhere together—just the two of us. A quiet villa, somewhere secluded. What do you think?"

Levina laid her hand over mine where it rested on her shoulder. Her hand was cold.

"I didn't think you'd be the one to say something like that to me first."

Her voice came out low, her expressionless face cracking slightly. The look underneath was unmistakable—pleasure. Like a child being handed a gift she'd waited for a long, long time.

"You've helped me with a lot of things when I was struggling, right?"

But the memories that surfaced weren't of help. They were of her coming to me when I was at my lowest—to fit a leash around my neck and twist. The words stuck in my throat as I spoke them. The Duchess and Levina, standing over a boy whose mother had just died, calmly telling him that his mother was nothing but a low-born whore who got what she deserved. Thinking back now, the Duchess probably killed her herself.

I'd been turning over when to kill the Duchess, locked up beneath the church, but I decided to leave it. Keep her alive, unharmed, so I could make her watch with her own two eyes as I took her place as Family Head. I didn't want to become the same kind of vile, repulsive human. Though I suspected I already was.

My head felt like it had been turned inside out. This was all I seemed capable of.

"So, when should we go?"

I'd only thrown it out there to redirect the conversation, but Levina had taken it seriously.

"I haven't thought that far."

She took my hand and pulled me closer. The distance between us disappeared. Her eyes were right there, looking into mine.

"Is there somewhere you want to go?"

As she asked, her fingers traced over my hand, one by one, a slow, grazing touch.

"There is a quiet place I've been looking at..."

"Good."

Levina smiled faintly. She answered before I even finished.

"This weekend. Keep it free. I'll arrange the carriage."

She let go of my hand, stood up, and walked out of the room.

The door clicked shut. I was alone again. I stared at the spot where she'd been standing for a long time, then pressed the hand she'd held against the wall and rubbed it hard against the surface. Skin scraped raw until blood beaded through. The feel of Levina's touch still wouldn't come off.