Delusion (8)

The sandwich tasted ordinary.

Ham, cheese, lettuce—the kind anyone might throw together.

Maybe it was just knowing Serepina had made it.

Somehow, that made it feel a little special.

"Let's get moving."

I popped the last bite into my mouth and stood.

Serepina looked reluctant, but she nodded and soon got up as well.

Together we cleared the leftovers and folded the picnic mat with practiced ease.

Servants stood nearby, but we saw no reason to summon them.

"I'll walk back. I have ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠errands in the city."

She had been heading toward the waiting carriage, but at my words she stopped.

"I'll come with you. Or the carriage could take you wherever you need to go."

A faint thread of hope ran through her voice.

"It's fine."

I shook my head.

The disappointment on her face was obvious. Seeing it, I added,

"The sandwich was good. And I enjoyed the company."

Her expression softened a little.

A faint smile touched the corners of her mouth.

Watching her, I felt a slight shudder ripple through me.

A nameless chill crept down my spine.

If she had been like this from the start. Before I died. If she had just been like this.

If she had believed me even once, it wouldn't ache like this.

Every time she wore that sad expression—regretful, disappointed—I wanted to reach for ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠her.

But whenever I did, it only went wrong. No, not wrong. It always went the same way.

Always, she'd abandon me. Blame me. Trust everyone else's words over mine.

I knew perfectly well that these thoughts were eating me alive.

I couldn't stop them.

"We should do this again. Often."

The words came out empty.

"Yes! Let's. Next time... maybe we could visit that bakery we used to go to."

Serepina answered with genuine delight.

She smiled like a child.

I stood there, watching her back until she vanished from sight.

Once she was gone, I pulled my pipe from my jacket.

I tapped out the old ash and packed in fresh tobacco.

Just in case there was any risk of seeing double, I sprinkled a little of the powder Levina had given me on top.

I struck a match.

Hiss.

The powder clung to my fingers, sticky. I wiped it off on the bark of a nearby tree.

I sat on the bench, staring at nothing, and pulled the smoke deep into my lungs. I let it out slowly.

Grey haze blurred my vision.

When Serepina asks me to trust her, I want to just trust her.

But every time I see her, something inside me hurts.

I understand, rationally, that reacting to her warmth with cold distance is ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠nothing but childish spite—a tantrum. I know it's the behavior of an overgrown brat who never got a scrap of love. And I know that brat was Ravin, not me.

But when I'm standing in front of Serepina, I become Ravin.

This narrow, ugly heart of mine cannot accept the possibility that she might have changed.

I felt foul.

Telling Estelle I'd do anything for her. Wheedling cigarettes, liquor, and money out of Levina—the woman who tormented me so brutally. Smiling at Serepina, telling her I enjoyed her company.

I felt like a whore selling his heart instead of his body.

I kept the thought turning over as I breathed the smoke in, then out.

The throbbing in my skull eased a fraction.

I didn't draw again. I watched ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the ember die.

I watched, silent, as the red glow turned to black ash.

I cleaned out the pipe bowl, took a small cloth from my pocket, and polished the pipe meticulously.

The metal gleamed.

I placed the pipe back in its case and slid it inside my jacket.

I rose and headed into the city.

The park opened onto a bustling thoroughfare.

Carriages and pedestrians tangled in a noisy blur.

I walked slowly into the crowd.

After wandering for a while, I spotted a girl. She wore ordinary clothes, but the way she gaped and swiveled her head around marked her as someone fresh from the countryside.

I was not mistaken.

It was Rineta.

One problem: Kyle stood beside her.

Had she failed to find Kyle in the previous cycle because I was staying at the annex back then?

I almost wondered, but then I recalled that the Rineta of that cycle had spoken as if she wouldn't seek him out this year at all.

Perhaps it had only been my imagination.

But Kyle was there. So I acted like any other browser on the street, examining the shop wares, and I bought a modest necklace.

A simple silver chain with a red stone set in it. Not expensive.

I slipped the necklace into my coat, turned a corner, and then walked straight into Rineta and Kyle.

As if the meeting were the purest coincidence.

"Oh. Aren't you the kid who worked at the annex?"

I approached her, letting recognition show on my face.

"Huh? Y-you know me?"

Rineta asked, flustered.

Her large eyes grew even wider with surprise.

"I saw you at the manor before."

Looking at her, I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes.

I wished she would remember me. I wished she would love me the way she had before. But she wouldn't. So I just let out a long breath.

Rineta met my eyes. Her face flushed pink, and a confused flutter ran through her fingers. She couldn't seem to form an answer.

Maybe she hadn't expected to meet someone from the Edelgard household while working at the manor. Or maybe it was just me. I wasn't sure.

But I recalled that the first time we met, in that other life, she hadn't reacted like this. The memory pulled a quiet smile from me.

Kyle saw that smile. He pushed Rineta slightly behind him and regarded me with open hostility.

"Rineta, don't talk to that filth. He's a notorious piece of trash—the disgraced heir about to get thrown out of his own house. Stay away from him."

Rineta's eyes went round.

Then, like something had clicked, she clapped her hands together.

"Ah! The one from the main house! The one everyone says torments the servants horribly! The one who makes them play rock-paper-scissors with his shadow, and if they lose, they have to cut the lawn all day with a nail clipper!"

It wasn't exactly false. Still, I found it oddly amusing.

The first time we met, she'd been too terrified to do anything. Now she spoke with such easy familiarity.

Maybe it was because Kyle was beside her.

"Is that so? Would you like to have a go at the lawn?"

I asked, smiling.

Rineta jumped and shook her head vigorously.

Curiosity outweighed the fear in her eyes.

"A joke. Are you on leave?"

"Ah, yes! My brother—he's like family, from back home—he lives here in the capital!"

At that, I let my gaze drift pointedly toward Kyle.

"You're from the village near the annex, aren't you."

"Yes! You know it? It's so remote, I didn't think any outsider..."

"Across the river, right in the middle of the forest. Good air. Quiet. A nice village."

"Oh—you've been there?"

Rineta asked, brightening.

I hesitated.

Shards of memory flickered behind my eyes.

The forest path I'd walked with her. The fireplace in the little cottage. The stew her aunt had made for me.

"Been there... I've been there."

This was supposed to be our first meeting, but the conversation flowed as if it were not. She seemed to sense it too. A hint of puzzlement crossed her face.

The look of someone meeting a person they'd known long ago.

"This is getting unpleasant. Move aside."

Kyle's voice was low, edged with anger.

"O-oppa! He's a young master from a noble family! You can't speak to him like that!"

Rineta tugged at Kyle's sleeve and whispered.

I cut in before she could go on.

"It's fine. Kyle here climbed all the way up to the capital, but the only thing he's learned is how to swing a sword. He's uneducated. I'm broad-minded enough to understand."

At that, Kyle lunged as if to grab me by the collar. I batted his hand away lightly and took a step back.

Kyle glanced at Rineta, who was still clutching his sleeve, and let out a sharp breath. He didn't advance again.

Leading with his fists wasn't a good habit anyway.

"Do you have somewhere to stay in the capital?"

Rineta glanced at Kyle before she answered.

"Kyle-oppa found me a lodging."

"Stay there tonight. But starting tomorrow, you're an Edelgard servant, so you'll live in the servants' quarters attached to the academy dormitory. In the morning, take Kyle by the hand and come find me. Or find the Heir Apparent. Oh, and this is an order. Refuse, and I'll cancel your leave and send you straight back to the annex."

Rineta opened her mouth to protest, but she shut it when I finished.

Her face filled with distress.

I didn't know if a room was available, but if I asked Levina, one would materialize.

With that thought, I added casually,

"I heard you were expelled from the family. Can you even do something like that?"

Kyle's words dripped with sarcasm.

This time, I stepped closer to him.

I looked him straight in the eye.

"If I'd really been expelled, would I be walking around like this?"

If we'd been alone, I wouldn't have been surprised to take a fist to the jaw. But I wouldn't have gotten close in the first place.

I was pushing it now only because Rineta was here.

"My sister might be covering for you, but that just means you're lucky. It doesn't mean you were born lucky. Like Rineta said, you came from the same village. A remote place. A village where you wouldn't know a single soul in the capital."

I patted him twice on the shoulder, then stepped past him, moving toward Rineta, who looked panicked by the worsening atmosphere.

"Kyle, no matter how laughable your opponent is, you should know your place."

I reached out to clasp the necklace I'd bought around her neck, but Kyle seized my wrist.

The grip was tight enough I thought the bone might twist.

"Don't pull anything with Rineta."

Kyle's voice was a low growl.

"She's dear to me. If you pester her like this again, you won't like what comes next."

He squeezed my wrist, then released it with a little shove, as if throwing it away.

I simply placed the necklace in Rineta's open hand.

The red gem glinted against her pale palm.

"That's right. I never have liked what came next."

With that answer, I turned and walked away.

Behind me, I could hear them talking.