Delusion (7)
Delusion (7)
I left the church behind me and headed for the dormitory.
Walked slowly along the darkening path.
The streetlamps flickered on one by one.
Cold night air brushed my cheeks.
I turned a corner and found familiar faces waiting.
The usual three, blocking the path, snickering among themselves.
Didn't look like they'd let me pass quietly.
"Well, well. Been a while, hasn't it?"
Marcus spotted me from the center of the group and spread his arms in an exaggerated greeting.
I could've sworn he'd said the exact same thing last time.
A dry laugh slipped out before I could stop it.
Last time, I'd drawn the revolver from my waist and shot him.
I'd been wound too tight back then.
They were just bored punks with too much spite and too little sense. Maybe I'd overreacted.
I muttered the thought aloud, half to myself.
"The fuck are you mumbling about?"
Marcus scowled and stepped closer.
Instead of answering, I pulled the revolver from my belt.
His face went rigid the moment he saw the gun.
Thwack.
I drove the grip straight into his philtrum.
His head snapped back with a dull crack.
Before he could recover, I threw a fist into his jaw.
Crunch.
The sensation of bone shifting traveled cleanly up through my knuckles.
Marcus crumpled without so much as a scream.
The other two thugs finally registered what was happening and moved to jump me.
Then they saw the barrel aimed their way and froze mid-step.
I walked up to one and, without a moment's hesitation, slammed the grip into the center of his face.
The other I kicked to the ground.
Both dropped like dead weight.
I stepped over to where Marcus lay.
He was groaning, blood trickling from his nose. I pressed the cold muzzle to his forehead.
"I told you I was playing along," I said quietly. "Told you not to go mistaking me for your kind."
"Even if they throw me out of the family, I'm still an Edelgard. Killing a cockroach like you won't cost me anything."
Marcus stared up at me, eyes wide with terror.
His lips quivered, but nothing came out.
I considered taking his wallet.
Decided against it.
If I needed money, I could just ask Levina.
I hit Marcus across the face with the revolver grip one more time.
Stood up, planted a kick into the same spot.
Then I walked on as if nothing had happened.
Muffled groans trailed behind me. I didn't look back.
Made it to my room.
I tossed the uniform jacket—faintly stained with blood—onto the floor.
Dropped onto the sofa, half-collapsed more than seated.
Packed the pipe Levina had left me with tobacco.
Mixed in a little of the powder from the small paper box.
Struck a match, drew the smoke in deep, exhaled.
Hazy gray filled the room.
The throbbing in my skull eased. The drowsiness came on, unmistakable.
After Levina brought me this—said it was for the bad nights—the nightmares stopped.
Rineta never showed up in my dreams anymore.
When I asked what it was, I never got a straight answer. But the headaches disappeared, so I let myself believe it was just good medicine.
The truth was, whatever it was, it kept me from impulsively hanging myself. That alone was enough.
* * *
Knock knock.
The next morning, a rapping at the door pulled me awake.
Knock knock knock.
It kept going.
I stared blankly at the ceiling.
Couldn't muster the energy to get up.
If it were Levina, she'd have let herself in by now.
The door opened.
Serepina stepped inside, wearing a pale blue dress that looked expensive—not her usual uniform.
She spotted me and hesitated for a moment.
Sighed, walked over, and stood beside the bed.
"Ravin, get up. We'll be late at this rate."
She shook me awake.
I gripped my head, dazed.
"...Why are you here?"
"What do you mean, why am I here? You wrote in your letter that you wanted to go to the park today."
Serepina's voice was patient.
I didn't remember writing that.
Should probably read my own letters before sending them next time. That thought crossed my mind, and then I caught myself drifting toward thoughts of dying again, and I sighed.
"Right. Give me a minute to get ready. Sit somewhere."
I dragged myself upright, unsteady.
Serepina didn't take the sofa. She perched at the foot of the bed I'd just been lying in.
The frame creaked.
I washed up quickly, threw on clothes, and came back out.
Serepina's gaze was fixed on the blood-spotted uniform I'd left on the floor.
"Did you get in a fight?"
She asked quietly.
I didn't answer, just glanced at her.
"Shall we go?"
Serepina paused a beat, then nodded and stood.
She led me out of the academy.
Voices buzzed in the corridors as we passed.
The usual whispers—weren't they supposed to be breaking off the engagement soon, that sort of thing.
Serepina took my hand and walked with her eyes fixed straight ahead, as if she couldn't hear a thing, tugging me along.
A carriage from House Belluz was waiting.
We sat facing each other.
Moments later, the wheels began to turn.
The steady crunch of gravel under wood filled the silence.
I stared out the window.
The scenery blurred past. None of it registered.
"Ravin, I made chocolate chip cookies and sandwiches. Your favorites."
Serepina spoke first.
"Sounds good."
I answered, turning to look at her.
Hollow eyes. Dark circles settled beneath them.
She looked thinner than I remembered.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"Ah, yeah. Tossed and turned a bit. It's been so long since we went somewhere together. I was excited."
Serepina twisted a strand of hair around her finger as she answered.
"Remember that bakery we used to go to? When we were kids?"
She asked.
"The one where you always picked the cream bread?"
"Yeah. That time I ate all your chocolate cookies and you got so mad."
Serepina smiled faintly, lost in the memory.
A small laugh escaped me too.
"That did happen."
"I thought they were mine at first. But you threw a fit and ended up stealing my cream bread to get even."
The day came back in perfect clarity.
It was one of the happier memories I had.
A warm, sunlit afternoon, sitting side by side on the bench outside the shop.
Back then, Levina and the Duchess would be waiting at home.
I remembered wishing I never had to go back. Wanting to stay beside Serepina forever.
Wanting to follow the Belluz family carriage instead. But saying it out loud was impossible.
I hadn't let it show then.
No. Ravin hadn't let it show.
Clatter.
The carriage stopped.
I sat there, still staring out the window.
"Ravin? Ravin, we're here."
Serepina had already stepped down. She called my name several times.
I surfaced.
"Ah. Right. We've arrived."
I climbed down the carriage step.
The path into the park was well-kept.
Unfamiliar flowers bloomed on either side, and the scent of fresh grass drifted on the breeze.
Old trees stretched long shadows across the walkway.
The servants had already laid everything out—a mat set up in a pleasant spot.
Serepina and I sat down together and watched the people in the park, the lake beyond.
Children ran laughing. Couples strolled hand in hand along the water's edge.
A peaceful scene.
"So when's the annulment happening?"
I brought it up first.
"We came all this way. I don't want to talk about that."
Serepina's tone was clipped.
"We're breaking up anyway. Feels like you dragged me out here just to mess with me."
"That's... that's not true at all."
Serepina's voice climbed.
Silence settled between us.
Nothing but the wind through the leaves.
"How did we end up like this?"
Serepina said.
The same words I'd said to her in a previous cycle.
"Before, it was just... I'd meet you, we'd spend some time together, go home, hang out with my family, study a little. The days went by so fast. How did it all..."
Her voice trembled.
"Want a cookie?"
I cut her off.
Serepina bit her lower lip.
When she answered, it sounded like she was holding back tears.
"Yeah."
She pulled the chocolate chip cookies from the basket and handed me one.
"I made them myself."
She added it as an afterthought.
I didn't say anything. Just put it in my mouth.
Crisp. Sweet.
I nibbled at the cookie, then spoke.
"Last time. You said you'd try to stop the annulment. Remember?"
Serepina's face brightened.
The hollow look in her eyes seemed to lift, just a little.
"Did you mean it? Actually mean it?"
I looked straight at her.
"Not something you blurted out because I looked miserable that day and you felt like you couldn't leave me like that. I'm asking if you said it because you could actually do it."
The smile vanished from Serepina's face.
She looked away.
"I don't know. But I did tell my father I was against it."
"That's all it was, then."
My reply was blunt.
Serepina lifted her head.
Desperation filled her eyes.
"What do you want me to do? Tell me. I'll do anything."
"Look, even if we go through with the annulment, it's not really our choice. For me it's Levina, for you it's your father. We're both stuck. I just want things to stay the same between us. After."
Serepina's face lit up again.
She grabbed my hand.
"...Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course. How could I ever give up on you?"
A dry laugh escaped me.
I stared at her for a moment, then dragged a hand down my face.
Looked at the ground instead of her.
"Right. You couldn't."
Once I started working with Estelle on this and that, Kyle would inevitably come looking.
Of course he would. He was the goddamn protagonist.
The kind of person who went out of his way to do insane things.
The memories of Kyle tracking me down even while I hid with Levina—those surfaced in my dreams sometimes too.
About one in every ten dreams of Rineta hanging.
When that time came, if Serepina hesitated—if she even wavered at the sight of me—maybe it would help somehow.
I wasn't asking her to take my side. Just hoping that prized magic of his wouldn't be used to torment me.
After that, I spent the rest of the day giving Serepina half-hearted answers while she chattered away beside me. A dull, exhausting afternoon.
She told stories from our childhood. I nodded now and then.
The day felt like something I'd just gotten through.
We were sitting there, staring blankly across the park, when a very familiar figure crossed the street in the distance. Someone I knew all too well.