Coloring (11)
Coloring (11)
A week passed.
In that week, the world didn't change at all.
I still headed to the church every evening.
My conversations with Estelle were always a pleasure.
Meaningless jokes, trivial stories.
I could forget so much when I was with her.
Maybe the good wine helped, but Estelle was the one pouring it.
That day was no different — I was on my way to the church to see her.
The sun was slowly sinking westward, the sky just beginning to bleed orange.
The route behind the dormitories, where no one ever passed because no one went to the church. I'd never seen a single person there, on that old bench where I'd never once seen anyone sit.
Someone was sitting there now.
Serepina.
Her head was bowed, staring intently at something.
Her fingers, it seemed.
She didn't seem to notice me approaching.
It felt like time had stopped just in that one spot.
I meant to walk right past her.
Pretend I hadn't seen her.
As if no one had ever been there at all.
Then she lifted her head.
My footsteps must have reached her.
"Ravin."
She said my name.
Her voice carried a faint tremor.
"What are you doing here."
My own voice came out dry.
"I waited."
She rose from the bench.
And walked toward me, slowly.
She stopped a few steps away.
No closer, no further back.
That ambiguous distance was exactly what lay between us now.
When I stepped forward, Serepina retreated. When I retreated, Serepina stepped forward.
I hated it.
"I have something to say."
She spoke.
Her eyes were fixed on me.
But the gaze was unfocused somewhere.
"We're not exactly on terms where we meet privately to talk anymore, Serepina."
"Ten minutes. No, even five. Couldn't we just...?"
I studied her for a moment.
Exhaustion written across her face.
The restless way her fingers fidgeted at her fingertips, just like a moment ago.
The sight wasn't unfamiliar.
She was acting exactly like 'Ravin' used to — walking on eggshells after doing something wrong.
Either way, she was the Serepina who'd always been beside me since childhood.
We shared too many of the same cracks, knew too much about each other.
I don't know what happened after I died.
But one thing was certain: something had changed, or something had happened.
Because under normal circumstances, Serepina and I would never have crossed paths like this again.
I'd have died in some nameless place long ago, and someone like me would've been mostly forgotten.
I sat down on the bench without a word.
It creaked.
Serepina sat carefully beside me.
About a handspan of space between us.
As if an invisible wall stood there.
Neither of us spoke for a long moment.
Only the sound of wind brushing through the leaves.
From somewhere distant, the faint laughter of students.
A peaceful scene.
Except for us.
I broke the silence first.
"Your fingers."
"......?"
She looked at me, puzzled.
"Are they okay?"
I was looking at her hand, still wrapped in thin bandages.
"Ah, yeah! They're fine! Almost healed, so you don't need to worry.
Still... thanks. For worrying."
She smiled awkwardly.
"Good."
Serepina stared down at the tips of her shoes.
Silence drifted between us again.
Suffocating, heavy silence.
"Why did you wait."
I asked first.
I wanted this pointless stretch of time to end.
"Just."
Her answer was hollow.
"Just, I wanted to see you."
"......."
"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say things like that. It's just, lately, I keep thinking about you."
She was rambling.
Like someone who had no idea what she was saying.
Words spilled from her lips in a jumble.
"Look, we may not be... whatever we used to be anymore......."
"It's over."
I cut her off.
I didn't want to hear any more.
"I know. I do, but that day at the estate.
With Lady Levina and your father.
Watching you sign.
I just felt strange.
Like everything was really ending."
Her voice grew smaller.
By the end, it was barely audible.
The wind swallowed it whole.
"It was already over long ago. That day was just for confirmation."
"No. It wasn't. At least, I didn't think so.
I thought someday, someday it would be okay.
That we could go back to how we were."
She shook her head.
Desperately.
"What else was I supposed to do.
Isn't three years enough?
I thought I tried, at least. To get along like before."
A hollow laugh escaped me.
Serepina's expression went blank.
"Ah, right. I picked that pointless duel with Kyle... and then just kept going like that."
She murmured it.
"For three years, the rumors and everything — you suddenly changed back to how you used to be, and it was really..."
"Just because I changed a little didn't mean anything else did."
At that, Serepina swung her legs from the bench and said quietly,
"Yeah. Ravin. I stayed the same."
When we were children, Serepina always used to swing her legs like this when we sat side by side on a bench eating snacks, kicking at the ground.
"Even if you changed, no matter what you did, you had to stay the same.
So I guess I hoped your loving me would stay the same too, never change.
I took it for granted, too. Honestly, I don't really know.
Everyone, everyone... you know. Not a single good word ever came your way."
Her voice was thick with emotion.
".......Ah. Yeah. But, yeah.
Three years of that, anyone would get sick of it.
Yeah, more than enough to get sick of."
The day I held onto Serepina, she'd been full of emotion, too.
Not that it changed a single thing.
"When you close the door, it feels like something terrible is going to happen.
When you're not in front of me, I get anxious, I don't even know why.
Now, every time you look at me like you're exhausted, it hurts.
And now we're not even on terms where I can just come find you naturally."
Even when I spoke coldly to Serepina, I didn't resent her.
No matter how much she ignored me, no matter how much she disliked me, neither 'Ravin' nor I found it easy to hate Serepina.
Even now, with her coming to me like this.
"Yeah. Of course, not engaged again.
You, like you said that night — even just the two of us.
No, that either, after graduation, just the two of us going to another country......."
But I knew well enough that none of it would change anything.
"Serepina."
If I reached out, I'd be rejected again.
Inside a room, or on an empty street like this, maybe — but in a place full of people, she'd turn away from me again, condemn me again.
Because that's how Serepina was raised.
She doesn't disappoint her family. Her friends.
Serepina is always watching me.
And she wants me to become just like her.
Wants me to live constantly reading the room, watching everyone around me.
"Yeah. Money — I can get it.
Or finding work somewhere, that'll be easy.
I'm top of my class, and I'm pretty good with magic."
"Stop."
"Why!?"
She shouted.
Then flinched at her own voice, closing her mouth.
She glanced around.
As if anyone but me ever walked this path.
Serepina was always like this.
Whatever she did, even when she was eating, she'd look around, always self-conscious.
I remembered those mornings when Serepina used to come find me.
"I'm saying I'll help you.
Look, Ravin. I'll see you for who you are now, just like you wanted.
I'll stay by your side. Please."
"Help me?"
"Yes. You've been kicked out of the family, you've got nothing. How are you supposed to survive alone."
"I'll manage. Don't worry about it. And it's not your concern, Serepina."
"Why wouldn't it be my concern? We're... what we are to each other......."
"Right. What are we, to each other?"
I looked her straight in the eye and asked.
She couldn't answer.
Her lips only trembled.
She was silent for a long while.
Head bowed, staring down at her fingers.
A faint stain of blood had seeped through the bandage.
The claim that it was almost healed seemed to be a lie.
"I hear you've been going to the church lately."
She asked abruptly.
"Who told you."
"I just... heard. Someone talking about it."
"So."
"Is it true?"
"What does it have to do with you."
At that, Serepina's shoulders shrank inward.
I stood up.
I didn't want to continue this conversation.
"I'm going."
"Ravin, wait."
She grabbed my arm.
Her hand was cold, and trembling faintly.
I didn't shake it off.
I just stood still, waiting for her next words.
But nothing came.
The grip holding me simply went slack.
I headed toward the church.
The sun had nearly set; darkness was settling in.
When I pushed open the church door, the familiar scent greeted me.
Estelle was sitting in a chair, drinking wine.
"Ah, you came."
She smiled at me.
"A little late, no? Something happen?"
She said it playfully.
But her eyes were checking to see if I was all right.
"Just took a long nap."
I brushed it off.
Estelle didn't press.
"Yeah? You must be hungry. Come, sit.
Today I even got some meat, special occasion."
She pulled me by the hand and sat me down in a chair.
Then, as we ate dinner, she spoke quietly.
"By the way, Ravin — can you help me with something?"
She took a sip of wine and licked her lips.
The red wine stained her lips even redder.
"Playing by myself isn't all that fun."