Vestige (16)
Estelle looked at me and slowly unclenched her fist.
Then she let out a faint laugh.
As if she was trying to defuse the hostile atmosphere, in her own way.
She pulled a pack of cigarettes from inside her coat.
A quick tap of her finger against the bottom, and a single cigarette popped out.
She stuck it between her lips.
She gave the cigarette a little wag, signaling for a light.
Wordlessly, I stepped closer and lit a small flame at my fingertip.
Once she confirmed the tip was lit, she took a long, deep drag.
Then, as she exhaled a soft plume of white smoke, she placed the cigarette between my lips.
"I see a woman so stupid she can't even remember a face she met once, spout off about faith and trust right under a saint's nose, and suddenly the world's overflowing heretics don't seem so mysterious."
Estelle said.
The smile Serepina had fixed on her face didn't waver.
"The outfit you're wearing is so unthinkable for a Saintess, it never crossed my mind you could be the same person."
"Honestly, I didn't think you were the same person either.
Going by stories alone, I had your fiancé pegged as a scumbag, a piece of trash, a miserable bastard who got off on tormenting people."
At Estelle's words, Serepina couldn't answer.
A nearly imperceptible crack ran through the smile she held on her lips.
"Back when that one demon crawled out, you seemed pretty chummy with that commoner stuck to your side. You weren't angling for a replacement, were you?
What was the name...... Kyle, wasn't it.
A rigid sort, as I recall. Nothing pleasant ever came out of that mouth."
The smile vanished from Serepina's face.
Her expression crumpled.
"I thought the two of you were lovers."
"Kyle was just someone who noticed I seemed a little down and paid me some kindness."
Serepina's voice quavered, thin.
"You were down because of Ravin, right.
You threw away your original fiancé, and since the one next to you looked more promising, you tried to swap him out.
You don't even practice your faith, so you couldn't manage something like faith in Ravin. You were looking for a man you could believe in. Isn't that right?"
Estelle tapped ash onto the church floor, ashtray be damned.
"What's the matter? You illustrious fucking nobles marry for ability, money, status — not love — at least that's what you claim. Lowly commoners like me, we marry to spend our whole lives happily with the one we love."
"......Perhaps you don't know, but we don't exactly choose for ourselves. Our parents arrange the match. And does that mean love can't exist?
I've known Ravin since I was old enough to run around. How could I not love him?"
"So then is it a noble hobby to tear down and insult the person you love?"
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"You were loud enough in the carriage. Hard to forget the name Ravin after all that.
My fiancé this, my fiancé that — figured that's just how you illustrious nobles live."
Saying this, Estelle slid a hand onto my shoulder and pulled me into an embrace.
Her body was warm and soft.
"Remembering the things you said back then, I had him pegged as bottom-feeding garbage not fit for human company. Who'd have guessed he'd turn out like this.
The kind of man who stands out sharp when everyone else is a blur. The kind you want to keep the moment you see him."
"So you just fell for his looks, is what you're saying."
Serepina asked.
Her voice carried thorns.
"Not exactly wrong.
The moment I saw him, it felt like I'd been with him for a very long time.
Had some rather risqué dreams about it too, now and then."
Estelle rested her face on my shoulder and drew her tongue softly across the rim of my ear.
The slick, hot sensation made my skin crawl.
"......Get away from Ravin."
Serepina's hand was trembling slightly.
A memory surfaced — the time Serepina had killed Kyle.
I felt like she might run me through right here, but with Estelle beside me, some part of me figured she'd find a way to cover it.
Even now, it felt like I was doing something indefensible to both of them, and I might well get skewered for it and open my eyes again in that same room.
"He wasn't the rude, twisted, shameless excuse for a human being you made him out to be.
He was kind. Listened to whatever I said."
Estelle whispered.
"Rumors flew that your fiancé was garbage beneath contempt, a wretched bastard, and instead of stepping up to protect him or believe in him......."
Estelle's words cut off midway.
"What the fuck do you know!?"
Serepina shrieked.
Her voice echoed through the empty church.
"Did you see Ravin shaking down shopkeepers in the market? Did you see him running wild with those thugs? When we were kids, he'd ignore everything I said......."
"Didn't see it. Ravin doesn't show me that side. Unlike with you."
"Because you haven't known him that long. He's just not showing you anything yet."
"No. The Lord bestows nothing on those without faith.
How could a disgusting creature who spews irreverent words without a shred of shame, a woman who can't even trust the fiancé she loves, understand something like love?"
"......You."
"You've known Ravin all that time, but you never truly accepted him, did you.
A woman who tears down the man she claims to love, who can barely stand being around him — what guarantee is there she won't do the same as his wife?"
Serepina didn't answer.
Her eyes met mine, dazed, then shifted to Estelle beside me and lingered there for a long while, before she finally forced words out in a low voice.
"I thought at least, even if you're a shameless and brazen woman trying to latch onto another woman's man, if Ravin wanted it, I could accept you as a mistress...... But someone like you — I just can't stomach you. Physically."
"No. I'm the Saintess, so I'm the legal wife. You're...... well, what should I call you."
Estelle snickered.
"You really don't know your place. Can't seem to tell up from down."
"You've known him barely any time at all. Are you worse than me, trying to wedge yourself into a relationship that's lasted over ten years?"
"Maybe so little time is exactly why I seem to trust Ravin more. Or is that just my imagination?"
Serepina ground her teeth.
The smile from earlier had long since crumbled to nothing.
"What's that saying — even in a brothel, women with nasty tempers sell just fine if they've got the body and the face.
Seems about the right fit for you.
Wouldn't it be more fun for you to see a variety of men instead of just one, and maybe cross paths with Ravin's face now and then?"
As she spoke, Estelle's gaze seemed to drift past Serepina, focusing on the space around her.
In the same instant, every stained-glass window in the church shattered.
Crash!
Both of them went rigid, their glares locked on each other.
I had the distinct feeling that if I stood still, I'd end up split clean in two and dead — or only one of them would survive to claim me.
Watching two people fight over a piece of trash nobody wanted to pick up before wasn't the worst feeling in the world, but this time I needed to stay alive for a long while.
To bring back Rineta, whom I'd crushed to nothing with my own hands, to the point that not even a shape remained — or to make sure this kind of pathetic scene never happened again.
I stepped close to Estelle and, as I had before, pinched the spot where her underarm met the side of her chest.
"Ee-heek!"
An undignified yelp escaped her, and the tension bled out of her body.
She looked up at me with reproach in her eyes.
Tears started to well up, glittering.
I stroked her hair.
After all, having lived with her, I understood better than anyone just how much restraint Estelle — who was anything but stable — was exercising right now.
I kept stroking the hair of the dazed Estelle, brushed a thumb once across her lips, and spoke.
"Thank you. For holding back."
"......Are you telling me to hold back even more? Right here?"
"Yeah."
Estelle moved as if to push me away, but then let the strength drain from her hands.
"......Fine."
"If I hold back a little more here, does that make me a better person? One who suits you more? Someone who loves you and cares for you more?"
I dodged the awkward question with a smile.
Estelle, looking slightly annoyed, jabbed my shoulder with her right hand.
My body lurched. It hurt enough to wonder if the bone had shattered.
Pretending it was nothing, I walked over to Serepina, who was still glaring at Estelle.
The look she fixed on me was hardly warm either.
"Serepina."
"......Yeah."
She answered, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.
"How did it end up like this."
"If you say that, all I'll want to do is blame you."
"The problem is I'm too much of a prize."
At that, Serepina let out a hollow laugh.
"So go on. Blame me. At least for now."
"Because I treated you carelessly?
Be- because I couldn't help you when that happened with your family?
Because I never really helped you and just kept blaming you?"
Serepina approached slowly.
"Because back when you started going wrong as a kid, I wasn't always at your side?
Because when father scolded you, I didn't defend you like I did this time?
When the Heir Apparent tormented you and spat out all those cruel words, because I didn't deny them?"
I thought about stepping back, but stopped.
All she did was clutch the hem of my sleeve, clinging to it, struggling to steady her ragged breathing before she managed to speak.
"You hate me now, don't you?
That's why you're trying to swap me out for that...... that woman?
I-I know I did nothing when father and the Heir Apparent brought up breaking the engagement.
Someone like me — you're already disillusioned, aren't you?"
I scratched my cheek.
I started thinking about what answer wouldn't hurt Serepina, then stopped.
The situation was what it was. We were past the point of worrying about hurting each other. Standing here, thinking like that, was absurd.
Both of our hearts were already shredded rags — far beyond worrying over a few new wounds.
Still, even when my heart is tattered and worn through, even when it dies, it always manages to beat again.
In a world where time heals all wounds, I've just been living this time a little longer than everyone else.
"Yeah."
I answered.
Serepina's trembling hand went still.
The tremor in the hand clutching my sleeve stopped.
She lifted her head and looked at me.
A single tear slipped from her right eye.
"I-I don't want that. Love me too."
"I still love you."
"Then don't throw me away."
"I'd never."
I held her tight.
Like when we were kids.
Her body shivered against mine, a faint trembling.
"Even so, I can't ask the two of you to get along anymore."