Vestige (15)
I hadn't known how helpful it could be to have someone to blame—someone to take your anger out on.
That must have been what it was like for Levina when she was young—taking out her frustrations on me after the Duchess scolded her.
In that sense, I was no different from her now.
Just as she had once taken her frustrations out on me, I was now unloading every ugly, twisted feeling I had onto her.
Though Levina seemed to accept even that as love.
Did she genuinely believe, even then, that all those cruelties were born from love?
I couldn't say.
In any case, though I'd become someone no different from Levina, the idea that a bastard and a family heir were, at their core, the same kind of person—that wasn't such a terrible conclusion.
We were only different shards from the same mirror, after all.
Regardless, I felt a little calmer.
Strangely, the sound of Levina's sobbing behind me as I left the student council room had settled my heart.
I didn't know if she would heed my words. It didn't much matter to me anymore.
At the very least, she wouldn't be cast out from the family only to drift between taverns and die on some nameless man's blade.
* * *
The following day, I attended my classes in a haze and then sat down for lunch.
The dining hall churned with its usual clamor.
Voices, laughter, the clatter of cutlery, the smell of food—it all blended into one great, living noise.
Then Serepina appeared.
Unlike yesterday, her face looked quite bright.
Lively.
"C-Can I eat with you?"
Serepina asked.
She stood in front of me.
"What about your friends?"
"Oh, today I wanted to eat with y-you. One day away from them is f-fine, isn't it?"
She sat down across from me as she said this and began a light meal of her own.
The small sound of her fork and knife against the plate rang softly.
"You always stammer when you're with me."
The words slipped out without thought.
"R-Right. I d-don't really know why that is."
Serepina's cheeks flushed slightly.
"I hope it gets better."
"It w-will. Just like we somehow managed to st-stop the annulment."
"About the annulment—you don't need to tell Levina separately?"
"Wh-What need is there to tell the Heir Apparent? You've been c-cast out of the family anyway."
"Ah. Right."
I keep forgetting that.
Last time, I'd been acting as the Family Head, with Levina at my side. This time, I'd been going about freely spending an allowance and throwing the family name around, regardless of whether Levina had announced my exile or not.
And she never said a word about it.
I tore off a piece of bread, laid some meat on it, and speared it with my fork. As I took the bite, Serepina spoke.
"S-So, when are we g-getting married?"
I nearly spat out my food.
Choking, I grabbed my water and gulped it down.
The cold liquid sliding down my throat was crystal clear.
"Graduation isn't far off. Shouldn't we think about it after that?"
"W-We could do it now. It'd be fine. In f-fact, if we do it now, the people around us..."
Serepina didn't finish.
She set her cutlery down and folded her hands calmly on the table.
Then she looked directly at me and asked.
"You just don't want to marry me, do you?"
She was facing me, but it felt like she wasn't truly looking at me.
An eerie, strangely unpleasant sensation crept over me.
"Or is it because of that woman? That Estelle you were with. The Saintess?"
Silence stretched between us.
The noise of the dining hall faded, distant as the sound of waves.
As our meal neared its end, Serepina spoke in a low voice.
"Do you love her?"
"Yes. I love her."
"More than me?"
"I... don't know."
I answered honestly.
Every expression drained from Serepina's face. Then a small smile surfaced—the same smile she wore at every polite social function.
It wasn't a pleasant sight.
Serepina beckoned a passing servant to clear the dishes and rose from her seat.
"I suppose we'll find out once we all talk together. Who loves more. Who is loved more."
She smiled and extended her hand to me.
I took it and stood.
As our hands joined, I looked into her eyes. There was no light in them.
We left the building and started down the path.
No words passed between us.
Neither of us displayed any emotion—no anger, no joy, no disgust, no pleasure.
We simply walked in a dry, wordless silence.
I was heading for the small church by the academy's rear gate. Serepina walked a half-step ahead of me, moving as if simply following wherever her feet led.
Once, long ago, I'd caused trouble knowing full well I'd be punished.
I'd cut a lilac from the garden right in front of the estate and tucked it into a letter for Serepina.
The feeling now was very much the same as walking back to the manor after spending time with her.
That day had ended in disaster.
The flower's moisture hadn't dried, so the ink on the letter had smeared. Back at the estate, they'd stripped me bare and beaten me like a dog, then locked me in a cramped wardrobe for the entire evening. I'd only been let out the next morning.
I hoped, at least, that this time would be different.
"Do you know where the Saintess is staying?"
Serepina asked.
Her voice was flat.
"Yes. I was badly hurt in the heretic village. She helped me there."
"...At least she was someone who could help you."
Serepina murmured.
I didn't bother to respond.
We arrived before the small church.
I was about to knock, but Serepina stepped ahead, pushed open the creaking door, and walked inside.
I followed.
Light filtered through the stained glass, casting patches of color onto the floor.
No one was on the first floor.
Serepina, looking slightly taken aback, glanced back at me.
Then a voice came from the second-floor railing.
"...Ravin? Why did you bring her here?"
It was Estelle.
She leaned against the banister, looking down at us.
Her pure white priestess robes shone brightly.
Serepina looked up at her and murmured under her breath.
"So she really is the Saintess."
Normally, Estelle would have taken the stairs, complaining about the floor. Instead, she vaulted over the railing and landed lightly, the soft impact echoing through the church.
"We have something to discuss."
"What about?"
"Marriage."
I answered.
The word seemed to freeze the air inside the church.
"...Ah. Marriage. Of course."
Estelle spoke as she drifted closer to me, naturally leaning in to press her lips to mine. "You sacrilegiously took the Saintess's first kiss, and now you're going to marry another woman?"
But just then, Serepina wedged herself between us and pushed Estelle back.
"How irreverent."
Estelle frowned.
She leaned close to Serepina and whispered, "I let it slide last time because you didn't seem to recognize me. But if your tone is as off as it was then, I'll charge you with blasphemy... No, that's too far? Burning you alive might be a bit much, I suppose."
"I was rude last time, Saintess."
Serepina said.
Her voice no longer stammered.
"Ah, yes. 'Rude' is an understatement."
"But I am the one Ravin loves. I am the one he promised to marry since childhood. We swore to be each other's only one."
"For someone who made that promise, it seemed like there were plenty of times you tossed Ravin aside."
Estelle's words dripped with sarcasm.
"Ah, well. That's because I'm not the Saintess."
Serepina smiled—a perfect, textbook social smile.
"Everyone knows your touching story, Saintess. How you wandered from church to church to save your beloved kin, and how God sent you because of those few corrupt and fallen churches. Who doesn't know that?"
"...Putting on airs because you're nobility? Saying there's no good to come from marrying a commoner like me?"
"You know full well I've been cast out from my family as well. We're the same. Though there is still a difference."
Serepina brushed past Estelle, who had been blocking her way, and walked toward the altar.
"You should know your place and watch your tongue."
Estelle's voice dropped low.
"Still, how could I, when the person I love might be stolen away right before my eyes? When I might never see him again, or he might become something wretched out of a nightmare? There are so many stories, after all, of women who sold their souls to demons for love."
Estelle's face went rigid.
Serepina stopped before the altar, before the sacred statue, and continued in a low voice.
"But you, Saintess, you never even turned to a demon. You didn't abandon your faith even after your beloved kin died. You only prayed harder, with greater sincerity and devotion. You said it was your fault. That God had surely taken your loved one because of your sins. You didn't even blame the heavens."
She turned around, that same bright, immaculate smile still on her face.
"To lose someone you loved, to receive no proper chance at all, and to still keep praising Him and offering repentance and praying faithfully? I could never do that. You truly are an extraordinary person."
Estelle's teeth ground audibly.
She looked ready to stomp her foot, her fists clenched tight.
"So. What exactly are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that if Ravin dies, I won't be able to live like you, Saintess. How could I believe in a god who takes the one I love away? I have no stomach for that kind of piety."