Experiencing It Directly Was Different
Leehyun-noona was definitely a little strange.
Or perhaps a pushover was a more accurate description.
It had all started at the cafe we visited right after our meal.
"Would you mind if we head over to the department store? It's a lot easier to park there," she had asked.
"Sure. That's fine with me."
By the time we stepped out of the restaurant, the atmosphere between us was vastly warmer than when we had first met. With an unbroken smile, she had cheerfully laid out our next stop. Once we reached the department store and found a parking spot, we stopped by a cafe nearby.
"You're still a student, Jeongseo. Let Noona pay."
"Strictly speaking, I'm not actually a student."
"Still. You'll be heading off to college next year anyway."
Before I even had a chance to argue, she was already paying the bill. I tried reaching past her with my debit card, but the moment her hand gently pressed down on my wrist, I couldn't lift my arm an inch higher. Despite her slender frame, she was undeniably stronger than me. And all the while she paid, she wore that radiant, contented smile. Did she really enjoy spending money that much?
"Do you like coffee, Noona?" I asked as we settled into a table.
"Yeah. A lot! I drink at least two cups a day."
Her eyes were still smiling as she looked across at me.
"What about you, Jeongseo? Why don't you drink coffee?"
"I've never really understood what makes it taste good."
I hadn't cared for coffee in my previous life, either. Nowadays, I steered completely clear of stimulants and indulgences like alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeine altogether.
"Really? But don't you work at a cafe? I assumed you must love coffee."
"I only took the job because the Boss pays a high hourly wage."
The smiling curve of her eyes tightened for a fleeting second—so brief that someone less observant would have missed it entirely.
Bzzzzz.
"I'll go pick it up," I offered as the buzzer vibrated on the table.
"No, no. Just sit tight."
Leehyun sprang up before I could move and scurried off. A moment later, she returned carrying a tray bearing two cups and a delicate slice of tiramisu.
"They're supposed to have incredible tiramisu here. I wanted you to try it."
"Thank you."
While she merely sipped her bitter Americano, she didn't touch the dessert at all. Instead, she just watched me eat with a gentle, beaming gaze.
"Why aren't you having any, Noona?"
"I feel like I've gained a bit of weight lately. I don't get much time to exercise, so I figured I should at least watch what I eat."
Her words said one thing, but her eyes said another. She couldn't tear her gaze away from my mouth as I ate.
"How is it? Good?"
"Yes, it's delicious. Have a bite."
I scooped up a small spoonful of tiramisu, but instead of bringing it to my own mouth, I extended it toward her. There had only been one spoon on the tray from the start.
"Oh? C-Can I?"
Her face melted into pure bliss as she leaned in and took the bite. Seeing how ecstatic she looked, I wondered how much effort it had taken her to hold back until now. Unwilling to waste even a speck, she pressed her lips together and sucked the spoon spotless.
"So back when I took it, the regular CSAT admissions quota was much higher," she explained a little later.
"I see."
"I was so nervous on test day that my hands wouldn't stop shaking. Ah... this is terribly boring, isn't it?"
After chattering away in high spirits, she suddenly caught herself and checked my expression, looking anxious. We didn't share that many common topics of conversation.
"It's interesting. I like hearing you talk about it."
"Oh? Really? Ah, I just don't know much about the GED route. I wish I could be more helpful to you."
"You don't need to worry about that. So what happened? Did you do well on the exam?"
"Mhm, quite well. I only got two questions wrong in total, but..."
Just as I had done with Yeo-eun, I focused on analyzing Leehyun. All it took was tossing in an occasional question and listening attentively. It seemed Leehyun genuinely enjoyed studying. She didn't have many diverse hobbies; on her days off, she spent most of her time at home reading books or watching movies. She mentioned that she had dabbled in various activities when she was younger, but lamented that her daily routine had grown rather monotonous since entering adulthood.
"Shall we get going? I was thinking of doing some shopping in the department store. How does that sound?"
"Sounds good."
"Spring is right around the corner, so let's look at some clothes."
We left the cafe and stepped into the main shopping mall. The reasons why I thought Leehyun was peculiar only multiplied inside the department store.
"Having a tablet like this is so convenient when you're studying," she remarked, pausing before an electronics display.
"Is it?"
"Yeah. It's great for watching online lectures and organizing notes. Or maybe a laptop would be better."
Despite claiming she needed spring clothes, she showed zero interest in visiting the women's apparel floors.
"Do you have one you're currently using?"
"No. I only have my textbooks."
"Really? Then why don't we look around and see what's good? Noona can—"
"Next time. I'm not even sure if I really need one yet."
I glanced at the price tag and stepped away. For someone in my financial situation, it was far too exorbitant.
"What about stationery and pens, then?"
"A single ballpoint pen is plenty for me."
"You don't need notebooks or a planner?"
Leehyun persistently looked for things I might need, and I consistently turned her down.
"What about clothes? Shall we check out some spring jackets for you?"
"Noona."
"Huh? What is it?"
What was with this woman?
"Didn't you say you came here to buy clothes for yourself?"
"Well, I'd feel bad just buying things for myself. I really wanted to get something nice for you too, Jeongseo."
"Then let's pick out what you need first. I'll help you choose."
"Oh? Really? Okay!"
As expected, all her inquiries had merely been pretexts to buy me gifts. If anyone should be buying presents here, it was me. Though she didn't know it, I owed her a profound debt. Thanks to her medical explanation, I had discovered a way to resolve two conflicting urges simultaneously. I had agreed to meet today with every intention of repaying that favor, yet so far, she didn't seem to want anything from me at all. She hadn't even attempted the slightest hint of physical or sexual intimacy.
For now, I decided the least I could do was put my full effort into helping her pick out some clothes.
I still wasn't sure how things had ended up this way.
Sitting in the passenger seat on the drive home, I pondered the day's events.
"You have work tomorrow, Noona. I could have easily taken public transit back alone."
"It's not that late anyway. Besides, dropping you off in person gives me peace of mind."
It might have put her mind at ease, but it left mine thoroughly uncomfortable—especially when I thought about the shopping bags resting on the back seat.
After finishing our shopping at the department store, she had insisted on treating me to dinner as well. I had tried my hardest to pay for dinner, but Leehyun had stubbornly refused, leaning on the exact same logic she had used at the cafe. And the shopping spree had gone the same way. My fashion sense wasn't extraordinary by any means, but Leehyun possessed an eye so hopelessly disastrous that she kept gravitating toward the most bizarre outfits imaginable. She ended up purchasing only the items I picked out for her, and then bought several sets of clothes for me under the guise of 'rewarding my assistance.'
In the end, I had spent the entire day offering nothing while receiving everything. She seemed like a complete pushover, yet she was shockingly stubborn when it came to having her way.
"Noona."
"Yes?"
"I was actually hoping to repay you today because I felt indebted to you."
The car came to a stop at a red light. Rather than agonizing over it alone, I decided to ask her straight out.
"You're thankful to me? For what?"
"What you explained to me back at the clinic was an enormous help."
"Huh? Was that really so helpful?"
"It resolved an issue I had been struggling with for a long time."
"Ah... well, I'm glad to hear that. But you really don't have to feel indebted over it. It's not like I told you anything grand."
The value of information varied from person to person. Since I couldn't candidly disclose my dark impulses, it was impossible to make her truly understand.
"Regardless, I came out today wanting to do something for you in return, but it feels like I've done nothing but take."
"Mmm, really? You truly don't have to worry about that."
"I hate being on the receiving end without giving anything back. Is there anything you need, or anything you'd like me to do for you?"
The signal turned green, and the car smoothly accelerated forward. Focusing her eyes on the road, she spoke in a measured, gentle tone.
"I had so much fun today."
"Yes. Me too."
"I really, truly had a wonderful time. It's the best day I've had in years."
I glanced over at her profile. She was smiling again.
"So I feel like I've already received so much from you."
"Not things like that. I haven't done anything concrete for you."
Repaying a favor didn't necessarily have to involve money. I had already abandoned the idea of repaying Mom or Yeo-eun financially, after all. But that didn't change the fact that I had to offer something tangible in return.
"Jeongseo, you might not fully grasp it, but... you already gave me all of that."
After cruising past several blocks, the car gradually decelerated again.
"Sitting across from you during our meal was wonderful, and walking beside you felt so nice."
When the vehicle came to a complete halt, she turned her head to look at me.
"I loved having you listen to me talk, and I loved that you helped me pick out clothes."
"That was just spending time together."
"Yes, exactly. Thank you for spending that time with me."
It felt ambiguous. While I could logically follow her words, it wasn't enough to convince me internally that my debt had been squared.
"That's why I want to do even more for you, Jeongseo."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm the type of person who insists on repaying what I receive, too."
"Noona, you already spent an incredible amount of money today."
Leehyun let out a quiet chuckle at my response.
"I suppose I worked so hard saving all this time just so I could meet you."
The car moved again. Just a little further ahead was the entrance to the alley leading to my house.
"Are you worrying about me?" she asked softly.
"Yes. You shouldn't just shower people with gifts like this."
"Hehehe. You're right. That's true... but I choose who I do it for, you know."
She redirected her focus to the road. The conversation lapsed into silence until the car rolled to a stop at the mouth of my neighborhood alley.
"Is this the place?"
"Yes. I can easily walk from here."
Instead of getting out right away, I looked at her.
"Earlier, you mentioned that you wanted our meetings to feel a bit more comfortable, right?" she said.
"Yes."
"I want to tell you the exact same thing. Don't feel burdened over money or things like that. If you start feeling pressured and end up finding it uncomfortable to see me, that would hurt me far more."
"Mm... yes, I suppose that makes sense."
Though her face wore a smile, her voice carried a clear, unwavering resolve. It was quite different from the somewhat clumsy, doting demeanor she had shown throughout the day.
"I think I'm going to fall asleep so happily tonight, replaying every moment we spent together in my head."
Her smiling expression seemed painted with a tapestry of deep emotions: delight, happiness, fulfillment. Even before analyzing the context or her facial cues, the warmth of those feelings reached me instinctively.
"And it won't just be tonight. My heart has been fluttering non-stop ever since you texted me."
"..."
"I know I'll be in high spirits tomorrow, too. And probably the day after that as well."
An unfamiliar sensation washed over me, slowly putting my restless conscience at ease.
"That's why I said I've already received so much. How should I put it... emotional fulfillment? Something like that."
"Ah."
"Money is important, of course, but for me, today was worth far more than anything I spent. You understand, don't you?"
"Yes. I understand what you mean."
"I mean every word. So stop fretting over it. You have no idea how precious that kind of fulfillment is to a working adult."
After speaking with such earnest gravity, she wrapped it up with a lighthearted tease. Talking with her gave me a feeling remarkably similar to the moment I had addressed Mother as 'Mom'—different in context, yet fundamentally the same.
"To be honest, I'd love for you to quit your part-time job altogether. I could sponsor you and support your living expenses..."
"I can't do that."
"Yeah, I figured you'd say no. Ah, please don't misunderstand! I didn't mean it in a sleazy way, like trying to proposition you into being my kept boy or anything."
"I know. But still, Noona... this is only our second time meeting, and you're far too... well, defenseless."
Listening to her explanation, I had reached a firm conclusion: I truly had given her something in return. Just like that moment when I felt I had repaid a fraction of my debt to Mother. It was a significant breakthrough—it meant debts of gratitude didn't solely have to be settled with material wealth. Of course, the dynamics might vary depending on the person and the situation, but the principle held.
"That's the first time in my entire life anyone has ever called me defenseless."
"You need to be careful around men. Act like this, and you'll end up completely ruined."
Leehyun burst into laughter at my serious warning. Chuckling so hard that tiny tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, she suddenly reached into her purse and retrieved her wallet.
"Jeongseo, Noona isn't an idiot."
"That's what everyone thinks right before they get scammed."
"Hehehe. Fair point... but please take this."
"Wait, Noona. Were you even listening to what I just said?"
What she was offering me was a shiny credit card.
"Consider it a bribe to keep you close to me."
"I can't accept this. Like I said—"
"I'm begging you, please. Use it once in a while to buy something delicious, or pick up whatever supplies you need for your studies. Hmm? Please?"
"I'll max out the limit."
I had no intention of doing anything of the sort. Even if I took it, I would likely never touch it unless a dire emergency arose.
"Go right ahead. Though I doubt you ever would. And even if I do get scammed, that's my problem to deal with."
"*Sigh*."
"Just take it. If you buy something with this, I'll be thrilled every single time I see the notification."
Concluding that she truly was an incorrigible pushover, I finally accepted the card. At the hospital, she had seemed so remarkably sharp and professional.
"Thank you. You need to head inside now, right?"
"Yes. If I'm out too late, my family will worry."
Leehyun got out of the driver's seat first and retrieved the shopping bags from the back. Handed to me, the bags felt surprisingly heavy—almost like the weight of her feelings. She was showing me an affection so profound it bordered on incomprehensible.
"Um..."
"I'll text you. Drive safely on your way back."
"Okay! Get home safe too, Jeongseo."
Having climbed back into the car, she rolled down the window and hesitated, lingering. I offered her the reassuring words she seemed to be waiting for. But just as I was about to tell her to hurry on home, something suddenly crossed my mind.
"Noona."
"Yes?"
"You're wearing black panties today, aren't you?"
Her eyes widened in sheer shock.
"H-Huh? Uh... that's... I should have been more careful. I'm sorry! I've never worn a skirt this short before, so I..."
"It's fine. I'm not scolding you."
"Huh? Then why...?"
"I'm wearing black underwear today too. It felt like we were wearing matching pairs, that's all. The thought just popped into my head."
Leaving her utterly flabbergasted and frozen behind the steering wheel, I turned on my heel and walked away.
As I suspected, Leehyun-noona was thoroughly entertaining.