I Know It in My Head
Dajeong’s face turned bright red, though for an entirely different reason than before.
She looked flustered. In fact, she looked downright terrified.
“Figures. And here I thought.”
“Why are you picking on kids? By the way, do you even have cash? Are we seriously calling them over?”
“Ah, right, shit.”
Sitting on the bench were two girls with pink plastic curlers rolled into their bangs. Though dressed in casual clothes, they gave off the distinct aura of high schoolers. Yet despite their age, they casually referred to us as 'kids.'
The pair simply sat on the neighborhood playground bench chatting away; they hadn't actually made a move to threaten us. Their choice of words was unpleasant to hear, of course, but that was the extent of it. Even so, Dajeong’s expression had frozen stiff, as if she were facing down an armed robbery.
“Don’t pay them any mind. Let's just walk past quickly,” I murmured quietly to the paralyzed girl, subtly quickening our pace.
“Hey, let’s borrow some money. I’ve still got a few days until my part-time pay comes in.”
“Borrow from who? Me?”
“No, you crazy bitch, from them! We're hanging out together, so why the hell would I borrow from you?”
“No-no. Bad idea.”
“Ugh, I’ll just pay them back! What, you think I’m some kind of delinquent?”
The louder girl pushed herself up from the bench and strode briskly toward us. “Hey! You two. Hold up a second.”
Dajeong, who had been frozen in place, bit her lower lip and stepped right between the girl and me. Given how scared she had seemed, her reaction caught me completely off guard.
“Look, I’m in a bit of a tight spot. Could I borrow some cash?”
The second girl jogged up behind her, shaking her head. “Forget it, guys. Just keep going on your way.”
“Come on, why? I’ll give them my number! I swear I’ll pay it back... Wait, do you guys even have money on you?”
Though her tone was abrasive and disrespectful, they didn't seem like irredeemable thugs. It felt like we could defuse the situation simply by saying we had nothing and continuing on our way.
“We don't have any money,” I said from behind Dajeong.
The loud girl frowned. She bent slightly at the waist, peering intently into my face. “Really? Truly none? I told you I'd pay it back... Huh? Wait, take your mask off for a—”
“Here! This is all I have.”
Before the girl could finish, Dajeong hurriedly pulled two crisp fifty-thousand-won notes from her wallet. The girl’s gaze, which had been locked onto my face, snapped down toward the cash in Dajeong’s hand.
“Look at that, you do have some. Why’d you lie and say you didn’t?”
“It meant we didn't want to lend you any,” I retorted, stepping out from behind Dajeong. “Can't you even take a hint?”
“What?”
It wasn't my money, but watching her get shaken down right in front of me rubbed me the wrong way. The moment I spoke, however, Dajeong immediately blocked me again.
“That's really all the money I have on me. We're going now.”
Her voice was clear and enunciated with painstaking care. But from where I stood, I could clearly see the fist she kept tucked behind her back—and it was trembling violently.
Seeing that shake, I decided to rein myself in.
“Oppa, please stop. Let’s just go. It’s okay.”
“...All right. Let's go.”
Leaving the girl opening and closing her mouth in dumbfounded disbelief, we turned and walked away. But before we could take more than a few strides, hurried footsteps came pounding up from behind.
My hand, which had been resting inside my sling bag the entire time, was just about to slip out around the grip of the self-defense tool when a voice called out.
“Excuse me... please take this back! I'm really sorry on her behalf. Truly, I'm sorry!”
It was the loud girl's friend. She thrust the hundred thousand won back into Dajeong’s hands, bowed hastily, and sprinted back toward the bench. Before long, the muffled sounds of the two bickering drifted across the park.
“Let's go.”
“Yes...”
An awkward silence settled over us for the remainder of the walk home. Before parting ways at the entrance, I asked for Dajeong's number first, and we exchanged contacts. I found myself genuinely liking her.
That evening, I went out for dinner with Auntie Dongja, whom I hadn't seen in a while. When she spotted the second-hand GED study guides I had brought home, an apologetic look washed over her face, lamenting that she hadn't paid enough attention to my education. It took considerable effort to talk her down from immediately hiring a private tutor or enrolling me in an expensive cram school. I assured her that online video lectures would be more than enough, and we finally compromised on the condition that I promised to tell her the moment I needed anything.
Click. Click.
The cutoff score here is a bit steep.
Sitting in my room, I was browsing through universities that accepted GED scores for their rolling early-admissions track. Public institutions or schools offering generous scholarships occupied the top of my list. Surprisingly, there were quite a few viable paths available for male applicants in this society. Some schools offered dedicated quotas for men, while others granted admission outright as long as certain baseline criteria were met. I would have to invest more time into researching the details, or perhaps consult an admissions specialist down the line. For now, the most urgent priority was securing the highest possible grade on the upcoming qualification exam in June.
Fortunately, I had spent years studying diligently while living at the mountain temple. In that tranquil, isolated valley, there was little else to do. I had cleared my elementary, middle, and high school curricula entirely through independent self-study, so I understood how to pace myself without supervision. Even though I had never received a high-end formal education, having modern internet lectures at my disposal made the challenge seem entirely manageable.
Bzzzt.
It was almost bedtime. Dajeong seemed to have just wrapped up her studies for the day as well. Apparently, she was far more comfortable communicating through text messages than speaking in person; paragraphs of rapid-fire text arrived within seconds of each other.
Setting my phone aside, I lay down and let my thoughts drift back to her. Dajeong was only the fifth contact saved in my phone book, and there was still very little I knew about her. Judging by her reaction earlier today, she was naturally timid. The fact that she had dropped out of high school suggested she might have endured some painful ordeal during her school years. Yet despite all that, she had stepped squarely in front of a girl far larger than herself to shield me.
She had done it for my sake.
Even if those delinquents at the playground had attempted to turn violent, I was fully confident in my ability to handle them. The combat instincts and muscle memory from my previous life remained etched in my mind. While my current physical build was radically different from back then, I also had the protective gear Auntie had given me tucked into my bag. But Dajeong didn't know any of that. Her hands had been trembling uncontrollably, yet she stood her ground and handled the situation with remarkable poise.
It was only a guess, but she had undoubtedly summoned every ounce of courage she possessed to protect me. No matter how emotionally detached or deficient in empathy I might be, I understood the weight of that gesture in my head. I knew how excruciatingly difficult it was to confront trauma and stand tall in the face of terror. Once again, I resolved to treat Dajeong with genuine care.
Did I simply look pitiful to her?
Whenever Auntie Dongja laid eyes on me, she seemed overwhelmed by an irresistible urge to spend money. That was how I found myself dragged out to a luxury department store right after an early breakfast. We arrived precisely as the doors opened, kicking off an unrelenting shopping expedition. From premium stationery sets and notebooks to an entire wardrobe of light spring apparel, she sought to buy me anything and everything, while I struggled desperately to turn down as much as I could.
“How is it? Does it suit your taste?”
“Yes. It’s very delicious.”
Having finally concluded our shopping marathon, we sat down for a late lunch at an upscale family restaurant, slicing into steak.
“How has work been lately?” I asked.
“Work is the same as always. We've had large production orders lately, so it’s been a little hectic.”
Auntie ran a manufacturing factory that supplied goods to certain organizations. She always seemed reluctant to elaborate on the specifics, so I never pressed the matter.
“What about your meals? Are you eating well?”
“Mm-hmm. I eat plenty.”
“Really?” I fixed my gaze steadily on her eyes.
“Well... I eat enough. You know how it is for working adults; we all manage the same way.”
“Please don’t skip meals. Make sure you eat proper, nutritious food.”
She almost certainly relied heavily on greasy takeout deliveries. Deep within me, the compulsive urge to repay every ounce of kindness I received began to stir.
“Still, having a son feels wonderful,” she said with a warm smile. “Yeo-eun never even bothers to ask how her mother is doing.”
“I'm sure Noona thinks of you on the inside.”
“Hah! Her? She hardly ever picks up the phone.”
She referred to me as her son so naturally. The late Monk had merely asked her to look after me, yet she showered me with boundless affection. What could possibly drive her to treat me with such overwhelming warmth?
“Um... Auntie.”
“Hmm? What is it?”
Auntie Dongja was a precious karmic tie bequeathed to me by the Monk. Despite not sharing a single drop of blood, she gave me staggering amounts of affection and material support. An obvious way to reciprocate her kindness flashed through my mind: if she regarded me as her son, I could begin addressing her as 'Mother.' It didn't need to carry any profound spiritual weight; it was simply adopting the title she desired most.
Yet for the first time in an eternity, I found myself hesitating over a handful of words.
“You know how I call Yeo-eun noona 'Noona'?”
“Yes. What about it?”
“Well... haah. What I mean is... would it be all right if I called you 'Mother'?”
Auntie’s eyes widened in astonishment. At that exact moment, a peculiar tingling sensation rippled across the skin of my forearm, like a trail of tiny ants crawling over my flesh. The sensation was so utterly alien that my gaze dropped toward the table of its own accord. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.
“Jeongseo.”
“Yes.”
What on earth was this feeling? She had spent so much money on me, so I was merely selecting the form of address she wanted to hear. Was I hesitating because I didn't truly view her as a mother in my heart? Was that the source of this reluctance?
“'Mother' feels a bit stiff, doesn't it?”
“...Yes. I understand.”
Sensing my awkward hesitation, she had turned down my proposal. For reasons I couldn't fathom, I found it difficult to look directly into her face. Rationally, I told myself that this was for the best. Yet a subtle, prickling sensation in my chest whispered otherwise. I searched frantically within myself, trying to identify what this emotion was.
Disappointment? Sullenness? Hurt? What is this?
Suddenly, a memory resurfaced of a moment when I had felt a similar prick of sentiment. A few days ago, while buying groceries, I had picked out a carton of strawberries that looked brilliantly red and vibrant. But when I took a bite of the fruit after delivery, it tasted utterly bland, devoid of any sweetness. The disappointment from that bite felt strikingly similar to the sensation gnawing at me now. Faint as it was, this unfamiliar emotion lingered, perturbing my thoughts. Within mere seconds, the placid surface of my heart had developed a noticeable ripple.
“Call me 'Mom.' Just 'Mom.'”
“Pardon?”
“I like 'Mom' so much better than 'Mother.' If Jeongseo called me Mom, it would make me truly happy.”
A gentle smile spread across her face as she spoke. Instantly, the emotion shifted—mirroring the sensation of biting into a second strawberry and discovering it was bursting with rich, intoxicating sweetness.
Relief.
Calling her 'Mom' was what truly brought her joy. It was a tangible way to return a fraction of the debt I owed her. I intended to utter the word immediately, yet my throat tightened inexplicably, trapping the sound behind my lips.
“......Mom.”
“Ahahaha... Thank you. Thank you so much, Jeongseo.”
I had barely managed to squeeze those two quiet syllables past my throat. And Auntie—no, the woman who had become my first mother in this life—began to laugh through a veil of tears.
Meanwhile, the phantom ants that had been crawling along my arm seemed to migrate straight into my chest.
“I'm so happy, Jeongseo.”
“Yes.”
“Thank you for opening your heart to Mom so quickly.”
“Not at all. Thank you as well.”
Even after hearing her words, I remained somewhat bewildered. Opening one's heart... It was a phrase I understood intellectually, yet emotionally it remained elusive. I knew the concept in my head, but whether I had truly opened my heart to her was something I couldn't say with certainty.
Yet there was one truth that stood beyond doubt: she was no longer merely an 'Auntie' to me. The moment the word 'Mom' left my lips, she had genuinely become my mother. Much like the late Monk, she had transformed into a profound karmic bond capable of leaving a lasting imprint on my life.
And this tingling sensation crawling across my chest at this very moment...
Felt remarkably good.