Aspen, One Dies (3)
Try it. Aspen said so. That was enough to enrage the seventeen-year-old boy.
“Try it? Try it, you say?” Nathan pushed Aspen down. Then he attacked relentlessly. Every spot that might be weak. Brushing past, grabbing, caressing, catching with his lips and tugging. He didn’t pinch. After taking a fist to the crown of his head, Nathan quietly abandoned that option.
“Hic, Nathan. Nathan?”
Aspen, who had been laughing so hard he could barely breathe from the ticklish torment, soon found his breath catching for an entirely different reason.
“Hnn, ah, wait. I, I—ahh—!”
He had made it clear that “wait” was not allowed. Nathan drove his head toward Aspen’s chest in retribution. Greedy, clumsy, yet honest in every sensation it delivered. The dizzying pull of lips around a nipple made Aspen twist.
“Eeeek—!”
Shoving Nathan away too late or covering his mouth did nothing. Nathan had already heard everything.
“So you can make sounds like that. Lifting the hem and looking underneath is more fun than I expected.”
When Nathan finally lifted his head after bending Aspen nearly in half, he wore a triumphant grin. Aspen, panting beneath him, suddenly felt a surge of indignation.
“Is this revenge?”
“In a way? What was it you said—rough words, honest body—”
Nathan’s cheek was pinched.
“Don’t break the mood. You think I don’t know you got that line from some dirty book? No woman actually likes hearing that.”
Nathan’s eyes widened in shock.
“That book—wasn’t it only circulating among the male knights?”
“More precisely, the women had it and it got stolen.”
“You’re all insane.”
A ridiculous yet shocking secret had been revealed. Nathan, unsure what to say, filed the new information away for later. He had work to do.
Under Nathan’s stomach, a heavy, well-shaped chest rose and fell. Aspen, catching his breath in the brief opening, grabbed Nathan’s ear and turned his head away. Then he dragged a pillow over to cover his chest and glared at Nathan with reproachful eyes.
“So what kind of revenge? A duel? You losing more often?”
“No. A few minutes ago.”
“Ah, that?”
A similar smile appeared on Aspen’s lips. He lifted his chin as if issuing a challenge.
“Was it my fault you finished so quickly?”
“So that’s how you want to play it. You don’t seem to realize what kind of danger you’re in.”
Wearing a villainous smile, Nathan lowered his gaze. The exposed underside of Aspen’s chest was infuriating. He must have thought covering just the chest would be enough. When Nathan’s breath slipped between Aspen’s legs, Aspen clapped a hand over his own mouth, afraid “wait” would slip out.
Twenty continued to struggle beneath seventeen. Nathan licked the nape of his neck while his hands worked below, and the breath Aspen had been holding escaped in a strange sound. When Nathan left a kiss mark on the inside of a thigh, Aspen cried out in alarm.
“Nathan, Nathan. No. Nathan?”
With “wait” forbidden, “no” came out instead. Nathan kept mouthing over skin. Is this really Aspen? The same Aspen who drew his sword to beat some sense into me—is this the Aspen writhing beneath me?
“Ah, hnn, hah. Hic. Aah—?”
Feeling a new sense of conquest, Nathan decided to cross a psychological line. Hit me or draw your sword later—do whatever you want. I’m going to taste this.
His tongue traced the clean vertical line. Aspen’s eyes flew wide; no sound came out.
“Hey, you—!”
Nathan firmly caught Aspen’s trembling legs and held them together, then began to sweep and stroke the seam between them. Aspen was caught. Even using his whole body, he couldn’t shake Nathan’s arms off. Shaking his head did nothing—Nathan wasn’t looking.
It repeated. It built. A drop fell and filled the cup. Only when the tide rose did he realize this was the sea.
No. No. No—
Something was coming. Something invisible, something he had never imagined, and therefore terrifying.
“Nngh—!”
When Aspen thrashed like a madman, Nathan panicked.
“Aspen?”
Calling his name did nothing. Aspen couldn’t even call for help. Neither words nor moans would come. Thinking something had gone wrong, Nathan tried to rise, but Aspen yanked him down with desperate strength and clung to him as if drowning. Even so, the trembling wouldn’t stop. Aspen could only endure until the overwhelming sensation finally receded on its own, eyes glassy with tears, fingers bitten.
When the spasms finally ceased and Aspen began breathing again, Nathan felt relief. Fingernails had left marks on his back. Instead of prying the clutching hands away, Nathan simply held him, resigned.
“Nathan?”
“Yes.”
“Are you here?”
Checking whether this was reality after the violent pleasure. Nathan might have felt proud at such words, yet a flicker of unease remained.
“What is it this time?”
Aspen couldn’t answer at once. He was covering his eyes, holding back the rush of emotion. Perhaps he had liked Nathan this much all along.
“If I say I’m tired, will you get angry?”
“Maybe?”
“I wouldn’t be able to run away, would I?”
“Do you want to run away?”
“What would you do if I said I wanted to?”
The arms around Aspen’s back tightened.
“What would you do if I said I wouldn’t let you go?”
Unintended tears welled; Aspen wiped them away quickly. Then, forcing a provocative smile, he spoke.
“Use honorifics, kid.”
“Can’t even stand and still acting tough.”
Nathan lifted the sweat-drenched Aspen. Aspen shrieked with laughter.
-------------
“It won’t go in. Why…?”
Stop. Stop it. Stop, he said.
How many obstacles were there? No one had ever told Nathan that sex was usually like this. In truth, the problem they faced now was not usual at all.
“Defective… goods?”
Aspen, looking slightly frightened, tilted his head. He was not speaking to the organ in front of him. On the silver tray Aspen had pulled from under the bed while fighting his embarrassment lay an array of male contraceptives—more than dozens, sorted by size. The set, made for the wealthy, was crafted from the flowers of the fairy tree. Thin, bell-shaped petals adhered to skin and sealed like a stopper. A detailed instruction manual came with it. The tiny handwriting was hard to read in poor light, but the slightly larger text beneath it was unmistakably clear.
[7~17cm]
It was not the standard size. Aspen’s pupils trembled.
“Aspen, I think that’s the length, not the girth. The girth doesn’t match right now—”
“Either way, it won’t fit.”
“L-listen, Aspen. I heard there are ones made from sheep intestine on the market. Maybe one of those would work?”
“No. We’ll do it without.”
“Even I know that without one it’s a bit…”
Aspen reached for the edge of the silver tray. He picked up a small white candy-like object, placed it on his tongue, and showed it to Nathan. Before Nathan could ask what it was, Aspen swallowed the pill and answered the unspoken question.
“This? A magic potion.”
“What kind of potion?”
“The kind that means no matter what you do, I won’t have to retire.”
“Ah. That.”
Nathan swallowed hard.
“You prepared something like that?”
“I ordered it. An hour ago. Delivery was fast. Can’t return it now that it’s been used.”
Only a little over two hours had passed since their carriage entered the villa. Something lurched inside Nathan.
“You’re insane.”
“Why? Scared now?”
Not a chance. The rising flame severed the neck of reason. When Nathan lifted Aspen’s hips, Aspen burst into laughter. The moment their flushed parts met, they finally understood why it was called the rite of becoming one.
Insertion. The sensation of hot flesh being pushed aside. Neither Nathan nor Aspen could keep their eyes open properly. At the grinding resistance, Aspen nearly bit his tongue. They said it would be easier if sufficiently wet. Had that been a lie? Or was Nathan simply outside the standard size?
“Ngh, hnn. Wow. This. This feels weird.”
“Aspen.”
“I… Nathan… ah—!”
“Aspen.”
Sweat beaded and ran down pale skin. The perfect silhouette writhed in the faint light from the window. Water-drop breasts rose and fell with each breath. Though the body looked like something from a dream, the expression was painfully real. Those hands gripping the sheets instead of a sword hilt—desperate, wistful, unbearably cute. Nathan couldn’t hold back.
When the slow thrusting began, Aspen let out a sigh. Nathan paused, as if sensing awkwardness. Aspen’s eyes pleaded not to stop even if it hurt. That gaze soon turned to shock as he realized his misunderstanding. Nathan sank in a little deeper than before. Then withdrew. Repeated. The friction was painful and rough. Yet unhurried, and despite the lubrication, still difficult.
Instead of begging, Aspen endured. Stopping midway might be too cruel. This first experience would be a once-in-a-lifetime memory for Nathan as well. When Nathan’s sweat fell onto Aspen’s chest, he oddly recalled an earlier moment—the day their childish pride had tangled, the feeling he had while looking down at Aspen pinned beneath his knees. He finally understood what his two-years-younger self had been thinking. What he had wanted.
Nathan’s movements gradually quickened. Yet Aspen’s complexion looked better than before. As time passed and his body loosened, Aspen regained enough composure to speak instead of merely moaning.
“Hic, hah, this—something’s inside, right?”
Nathan blinked sweat from his eyelids.
“Hnn, hah. The book said if a woman asks that, it means it’s sm—”
Aspen grabbed Nathan’s face with both hands. Nathan, face trapped in palms, awkwardly stopped moving.
“Eek. That hurts.”
“One more mood-breaking word and I’ll kill you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime moment for both of us. And…”
Aspen took a deep breath as if steadying the pain, then exploded.
“Small? This? Are you joking? It’s choking me.”
Nathan was angry too. Staying still in this position was a form of torture.
“I get it, so let go of my face. Why are you taking it out on me? Is it my fault?”
Without warning, Nathan thrust—hard enough that it felt like flesh driving into flesh.
Smack.
“Hic.”
Aspen’s movements froze at the dizzying sensation. He quickly scanned the bed, dragged the pillow that had covered his chest back over, and bit down on the pillowcase as if enduring torture. Nathan burst out laughing.
“Don’t laugh. I can feel it inside.”
When Aspen grumbled, Nathan quietly stroked his hair.
“If it hurts—”
“I’ll endure it.”
“No, don’t say anything. Just bear it on your own.”
Aspen, who had been sniffling, removed the pillowcase from his mouth.
“Mean little brat.”
Then he bit it again.
“Brat?”
The provocative challenge from that obscene body seemed to say, Come at me if you dare. He had a natural talent for angering people with words—even during this.
Nathan moved. No longer careful, he grew greedier. “I’m a lot bigger now, you know?”
He no longer moved small and considerate. He drove in, ignoring the narrow, stiff resistance. Something wet splashed where flesh met flesh. The unfamiliar moisture stoked and urged his excitement. Tears and saliva spread across the feathers of the pillowcase in his mouth. When tearful eyes sparkled with both resentment and anticipation, something inside Nathan surged hotter.
“Ngh, hnnn.”
“Move that.”
It was hiding everything he wanted to see. Nathan slipped his fingers into Aspen’s mouth, slowly pulled the pillowcase out, and tossed the cushion aside. Finally the trembling breasts were fully visible. The sweat pooled in the collarbones. The curve of the shoulders, the mole where the chest folded. The clear abs he had trained so carefully for someone he cherished. Even the veins standing out beneath pale skin, sharpened by desperation. Everything swayed in time with Nathan’s movements.
Still, Aspen gave no moans. He kept his mouth shut. Biting his lips, turning his head, he endured however he could.
“If you won’t say what you want clearly, you’re the child. Always acting like the elder—ridiculous.”
If Aspen wouldn’t express whether he wanted Nathan to stop or continue, Nathan would do as he pleased. The collision grew fiercer. From Aspen’s position, it could only be called a collision. Smack. Smack. The sound could almost be mistaken for affection, yet the weight, the thickness driving in… Even the pain passed, striking somewhere deep inside.
“Haaah—huh? Ah?”
The moment his mouth opened, fingernails raked Nathan’s back again. Nathan caught those wrists and pinned them to the bed. Still biting his lips, Aspen shook his head pitifully. He seemed to want something to hold. Because it hurt? Or because, without an embrace, he felt he might fall somewhere?
The press of thigh against thigh, the brush of swaying breasts against his body—amid the rich sensations, Nathan sensed the end approaching. Aspen seemed to feel the same. He no longer knew when the pain had stopped. Perhaps he was feeling pleasure even through the pain.
“Hnn, hah, ngh, hah—!”
Those sobs were nothing like his usual self. The strange sense of immorality that distance created. The feeling of breaking someone whole. The signs appeared. The intervals between moans shortened. As if trying to announce something. His mouth opened wider; the body he embraced twisted. Aspen was about to convulse again.
“Stop, stop, I, something’s—!”
“I told you… not to say stop…!”
Nathan couldn’t finish either. His composure was gone. The end was near. Lost in the wave-like pleasure, Nathan tried with his last shred of control to pull out. Contraception was never certain, after all. But the sticky grip inside refused to release him. Forcing himself to endure the clutching flesh, Nathan gritted his teeth and tried to withdraw. Little by little. Yet Aspen dragged him back down. Arms around his shoulders, legs around his waist, Aspen began to buck his entire body. Aspen had already reached his peak.
“Stop—stop—hnn—haaah! Hah… hnn…”
Nathan looked down at Aspen’s face. The longing in those unfocused eyes. It was not a face that truly wanted him to stop.
‘So what. Does “stop” mean stop, or—’
‘Keep going.’
Aspen’s tongue, which had only been sobbing, invaded Nathan’s mouth.
‘Even if I tell you to stop, keep going.’
Nathan’s final will crumbled far too easily. The climax that began with a jolt lasted long. Aspen’s sobbing moans were nailed into Nathan’s mind forever. In reality it was only an instant, yet it felt as vast as a lifetime. Saliva mingled; legs entwined. Pouring out the last of his desire with a few final thrusts, Nathan wondered for a moment if he had died. When Aspen lifted his head from Nathan’s shoulder, Nathan smiled weakly. It felt a pity that it was over. So he must still be alive.
Breaths crossed—more spent than when they had first entered the room. Exhausted and panting, Aspen turned to look at Nathan. The moment he regained enough composure to consider how he must look, he rolled over instead. Wiping his face with the blanket, smoothing his messy hair, he swatted Nathan’s reaching hand.
“Don’t look.”
“Damn it. Why should I have to avoid your eyes?”
“I didn’t say avoid them. If you have complaints, look properly.”
Nathan flipped Aspen onto his back. When Aspen still tried to turn away, Nathan laughed and pinned his shoulders, forcing him flat. Aspen tried to speak coldly, though his flushed face made it difficult.
“Don’t look.”
“Do what you want. I’m looking.”
“I said don’t look.”
Apparently brimming with confidence, Nathan suddenly grabbed him and kissed him. Aspen was furious—at that triumphant attitude and at himself for accepting it almost obediently. The moment he pulled his tongue from Nathan’s mouth, he scratched Nathan again.
“This rotten brat.”
“Now you know Aspen is at least twenty centimeters smaller, right?”
“I don’t know? Why don’t you prove it?”
“Bold claim.”
Nathan’s eyebrows rose.
“All talk and no follow-through. What’s wrong?”
Aspen licked his lips with his tongue. Nathan suppressed a laugh at the clumsy seduction. But the next words were impossible to overlook.
“Tired already?”
A body trained to its limits still had plenty left. Nathan, who had shifted aside, rose again and moved over Aspen. Aspen’s eyes went to what lay below Nathan. Seeing that it was not yet over, Aspen’s gaze filled with conflicting emotions—fear and anticipation.
“You said it before, Aspen. ‘One of us is going to die and go home.’ Want to see it through? Who collapses first?”
“The guy who was a virgin until noon today sure talks big. Annoying.”
He had imagined something shyer, more awkward and tender—a fresh, pretty picture. Aspen’s vision of a first time had never been this competitive. If he asked for that now, Nathan would probably accommodate him, even if the effort was clumsy. First times were supposed to be like that. Yet for some reason, Aspen didn’t want that.
‘I don’t want to look weak. I don’t want to lose. Not to you, at least.’
Instead, Aspen offered a dishonest provocation, feeling his heart pound.
“Honorifics, idiot.”
No matter how hard he tried to sound vicious, it didn’t come out that way. They collapsed together again, faces pressed close. By the time Aspen’s body trembled for the last time amid pitiful sounds, the dawn breeze brushed past. An afterglow too muddled to distinguish. Drifting in a haze, Nathan suddenly regained his senses.
“Aspen?”
“Hie?”
“The sun’s up. Morning.”
Aspen, who had been staring blankly at the curtained window from atop Nathan, came to his senses a moment later. Then he violently shoved Nathan away and rolled aside. Taking the entire blanket with him, Aspen curled up and panted. Nathan looked at Aspen, who was now hiding his face in embarrassment, and spoke in a fatigue-heavy voice.
“Cold.”
“Shut up.”
--------------------
“What were you thinking back then?”
“Back then?”
“The last time we fought with wooden swords. When you almost smashed my face with a pommel strike.”
“Who did that? Don’t say scary things.”
Aspen’s eyes were full of anticipation. Unable to withstand the demand for an answer, Nathan finally shrugged and confessed.
“That you were beautiful. That it was too much. How could you beat someone like that and then pull out a foul move the moment I tried to counter?”
As if there was nothing left to be ashamed of, Nathan spoke calmly. Then he looked away after all.
“Ah, why?”
When Aspen chuckled, Nathan sighed.
“So what did you mean by that important thing you wanted me to hear without misunderstanding?”
“Shall we pretend nothing happened?”
Nathan gestured at the ruined bed. They had somehow managed to wash and lie down again, but the sweat soaked into the sheets was beyond saving.
“After doing all that, how?”
“Then shall we go around telling everyone we did it?”
“Ah. So that’s what you meant.”
“…It would be better if you forgot completely while you’re at it.”
“I won’t say anything about you being practically an orphan or any self-pitying nonsense, so just tell me the reason.”
“Birth or honor doesn’t matter. But if I lose you after our feelings have grown deeper… can you handle that? I don’t think I can.”
It wasn’t an easy thing to accept, yet Nathan nodded. The two-week leave they had received was not a gift. Nor was it a reward for their efforts. It had been granted to the entire order because of Captain Alexander’s death. The death of a respected man. Before he was a thorough warrior of skill, he had been a beloved friend, husband, and father. Nathan believed fate allotted each person their share. Someone like him, with no connections, perhaps existed to die in place of such shining people. It was a childish thought, yet it didn’t feel entirely bad. The captain had been someone worth entrusting one’s life to. And that man was dead. An unthinkable event.
Nathan thought about why he had accepted Aspen’s terrifying invitation. And why Aspen, despite his fear, had invited him. He had wanted, to some extent, to feel cheerful by force. And truthfully, for the first time, he had also thought that he might lose Aspen. That powerlessness.
Aspen nodded seriously.
“Honestly, pregnancy is a little scary too. They said the medicine doesn’t guarantee it won’t happen, and you never know. I want to stay a knight for a long time.”
“If you get pregnant you can quit being a knight. Then Aspen won’t get hurt on the battlefield. Sounds good.”
Aspen burst into laughter.
“Hey, that’s creepy. Was that thought just now, or have you had it before?”
After answering “just now,” Nathan scratched his head sheepishly. Tapping Nathan’s foot with his toe, Aspen spoke.
“I don’t want to build walls either. Honestly, I’m scared. If that preciousness becomes too big, I feel like if you die and I live, it’ll eat me alive. So to let it flow away, I keep a hard shell ready.”
“I understand.”
“Then explain it back to me.”
“I don’t understand.”
Aspen opened his mouth wide and laughed. Nathan liked that unfeigned laugh. Aspen lowered his head toward Nathan.
“Thank you. For everything.”
“Me too. If someone calls, wake me.”
Drunk on the person beside him, Nathan closed his eyes to clear his head. Before falling into a richly deserved nap, he thought of something Aspen would want to hear.
“And Aspen won. If we kept going, I’d die.”
Nathan pressed the back of his head into the pillow and began to breathe evenly. Aspen waved a hand in front of his face. Snapped fingers by his ear, poked his cheek. Then lifted the blanket they shared for one last look.
‘…?’
Quickly pulling the blanket back down, Aspen wondered whether Nathan’s declaration of defeat had been mere formality.
‘He can’t go on?’
Debating whether Nathan was still awake, Aspen decided to believe him anyway.
“Still, I’ll swear one thing. I thought this even when you were taken by the cultists,” Aspen whispered into Nathan’s ear. Whether you listen or not is up to you. “It’s contradictory after telling you to keep your distance, but I’ll never let you die—”
“Young master, did you cough?”
At the maid’s knock, Aspen froze like a statue. Trembling legs somehow carried him upright; he turned to look back. Nathan wore the same troubled expression.
“There was a maid?”
“Of course there was.”
“She must have heard?”
“…Ah. Aaaah. No. No—!”
--------------------
Two years later. The Heavens.
Confined to his room under house arrest, Aspen recalled that day. In mere minutes they had miraculously erased every trace, but what ultimately resolved the matter was the maid’s silence after a wink and disappearance. Thanks to her, neither his father nor anyone else ever learned exactly how far Nathan and Aspen had gone.
‘I should have told him earlier. If that boy dies, our daughter might lose her mind.’
Yet Nathan had ultimately denied that truth. Once in bed, once in the Heavens. Having experienced the loss of family, the loss of someone respected, even the thought of losing someone he liked had become terrifying. After witnessing a body recover instantly through elixir and seeing a world that had known no war for hundreds of years, Aspen finally understood why his father had chosen to come to the Heavens. The Lower World had devoured his mother and aunt, or so he had said.
Aspen was afraid the world might devour Nathan.
“Nathan, where are you and what are you doing right now…?”
The moment he thought he would give anything to know, Aspen’s tablet flashed. Having grown accustomed to the device in the meantime, Aspen’s eyes trembled as he watched the received video. It was Nathan. In bed with some pink-haired woman…?
“What is this?”