That Shallow Thing
A bit shallow, that thing. Muk Ha-neul dragged me to a nearby shopping mall. Sure enough, there weren't that many people around at this hour. It was just before elementary school let out, so no kids heading home from school either. A few passersby now and then, but no one paid us any particular attention, naturally.
"See? No one's even looking at us."
"Obviously."
What I was worried about was the hat coming off. My white hair would stand out like crazy, and if anyone saw it and snapped a photo, we'd be in deep shit. After walking so long in this heat, sweat had soaked into my clothes a bit.
"It's hot."
"Yeah."
We trudged into the mall, exhausted. The cool AC air was a relief.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
I said that, but I ended up plopping down on one of the benches inside to catch my breath. Once my breathing steadied, Muk Ha-neul led me up to the third floor. And yeah, I'd half-expected it: a kids' clothing store. I let out a sigh. But with a body this small, there weren't many options besides kids' clothes. No helping it. Didn't make me feel any better, though.
"Don't worry about it too much. Even adult women who are short buy kids' clothes sometimes. Just think of it that way."
"I'm way smaller than that."
"True."
She took me first to the underwear section. At least it wasn't for total little kids. The designs were pretty standard. Muk Ha-neul called over a staff member right away.
"Excuse me, do you do sizing here?"
"Yes, of course."
"Could you measure this girl? She's been wearing junior bras, but her chest seems a bit big for them now..."
"Oh, come here, sweetie. I'll measure you right away."
The "girl" bit grated, but I wasn't about to make a scene, so I followed obediently.
"Miss, could you take off the hat? It'd be better for the measurement."
I stepped back instinctively, clutching the hat. The staffer looked flustered, but Muk Ha-neul jumped in.
"Sorry about that—could you measure with the hat on? She's really shy."
"Oh, sure. Then lift your top over the underwear, and I'll get it."
"Okay."
Shy, my ass. She led me to the back of the store, out of sight from the front. I lifted my top, spread my arms, and she measured with the tape, quick and efficient. She eyed me the whole time like I was some weird kid.
"All done. AA cup, just starting to develop. It's important to get properly fitted at this stage. Junior bras are fine, but real ones are better. How about these?"
She went straight to Muk Ha-neul and started recommending stuff. Muk Ha-neul glanced at me, like you pick? I shook my head. She grabbed a few and bought them on the spot.
"No need to try them on?"
"Oh, no. She's too shy."
Bullshit. Anyway, after all that hassle, we had the underwear.
"I'll show you how to put them on at home."
"...No thanks."
Just buying underwear had drained me. Oh, and nearly having to take off the hat for measuring? Blind spot. Makes sense—you'd have to for trying on clothes anyway. I could take it off in the fitting room and put it back on, but that's annoying and risky.
"We got underwear. Let's head back. No need for actual clothes."
"Let's at least browse a little? We came all this way."
"I guess..."
I just felt off. Not "somehow"—a guy turned girl buying women's underwear? No way that's fun. As we wandered the mall, I caught occasional glances. Just casual looks from people passing by, but with this huge hat, eyes naturally drifted. Without it, everyone would've stared.
Muk Ha-neul poked into kids' stores that looked promising, picking out outfits, holding them up to me, humming and hawing, dropping some, asking about others.
"How about this? Looks good, right?"
Luckily, she had good instincts. She stuck to stuff a girl might like but neutral—no skirts, nothing too girly. Didn't scream "kids' clothes," so even I thought they were decent. If she'd grabbed anything feminine or a skirt, I'd have bolted home.
I tried on a few. Most fit fine. Staff gave weird looks when I went in and out of the fitting room hat-on, but whatever.
"Why're you taking pictures?"
"I'm buying them. A few pics okay?"
Couldn't argue. Clothes ain't cheap, and she was footing the bill. Mood-killer and it'd flip, but pics? Fine. Not like she'd sell them, and the hat hid my hair.
She didn't drag me around for hours playing dress-up like in some novel. Bought just enough and called it.
"Now let's grab a quick bite before heading home."
"I wanna go straight back."
"All you've got at your place is porridge, right?"
"Leftover fried rice from yesterday. Kinda stiff, but edible."
"Even if you eat that, what about me?"
"Go home."
"Harsh."
But in the end, I went along with eating out. Didn't wanna relive that jjajangmyeon awkwardness from yesterday with fried rice today.
"What then? Mala tang? Tteokbokki?"
"Can't handle spicy."
Didn't want to anyway. Stuff like mala tang or tteokbokki that girls go nuts for? Instinctive nope. I'd eat if bought, but not spend my own cash.
"Right, yeah. Anything you want?"
"Burger?"
"Guys always say burgers when they can't think of anything."
"Guys?"
"Ah."
I shot her a weary look, and she waved it off in a panic.
"No, no, not like that. Just something I heard when the department goes out to eat. Don't read into it."
"Not reading into it. No need to explain."
I was, though. Thought she might be one of those easy girls. But she kept protesting she wasn't, even over food. Midway through her story, irritation hit.
"Anyway, why's it matter to me if you are?"
Her face stiffened a bit.
"It... matters."
"Still?"
I hadn't said it outright. But it carried weight. Yeah, she'd been upfront about liking me. And I'd... accepted it, sort of, even if I hated admitting it. But if her feelings were about my old rational appeal as a guy? I couldn't offer that anymore. That's partly why I'd called her today. To talk if this could continue—this shallow thing not quite love.
Her stiff expression didn't soften. Debating her answer? But agonizing over it already meant the end.
But what came out was totally off-topic.
"...Sunbae, I don't have a mom."
Sudden much?
"She ran off when I was little, left me and Dad. Hard times. Dad searched but never found her. He didn't give up work, though. Made a comeback eventually. Then the funny part."
I could guess the punchline. Not just wishful thinking.
"Mom came back."
First time I'd seen that look. Muk Ha-neul sneered with real contempt.
"Disgusting. Showed up once Dad succeeded. He wouldn't take her back. Went to court, got the divorce. Even after, she'd pop up when she needed cash, begging me. I helped till recently."
Her face clouded with memory.
"Then I read your novel. In critique class. Short story. You poured out your hate, trampling the sacred ground of 'motherhood' like mud."
"It shocked me. You could hate moms like that? It let me drop the 'goodness' I'd clung to."
"Like, I don't have to be the good girl."
"So next time she showed, I told her to fuck off."
"That's what happened."
"Might not be special. You weren't the only one writing that stuff."
"But that moment, it felt like chains snapping."
"That's why."
"I fell for you."