The Compromised Outing
Today, as that bygone play unfolded once more, Muk Ha-neul's proposal was, of course, utterly worthless—not worth a moment's consideration. I pulled a face dripping with utter disbelief, like she'd just spouted nonsense.
"I told you I can't go out. Public opinion's in the shitter right now."
I shoved the plain truth at her, and Muk Ha-neul—though a bit deflated from moments ago—still mustered some spirit as she shot back.
"Th-that's true, but! Even so, you can't just wear the same outfit for days! Delivery doesn't show up instantly! And you don't even have underwear! Can't you just pop on that hat over there? With your hair cut short now, no one'll even notice!"
She had a point, no denying it. Living in the same clothes until delivery arrived felt grimy as hell. I'd barely given it a thought before, but once she brought it up, it started gnawing at me. And before, with my long hair, I'd had to stuff it all under the hat and pray none spilled out—but now that it was cropped short, that worry was gone.
Still, no matter how I turned it over in my head, it didn't seem that urgent to risk it. Deep down, I just didn't want to court unnecessary danger.
"You make a fair case, but it still feels off. The NIS aren't idiots—they wouldn't tell me to stay put for no reason."
"So you're just gonna buy clothes online from some mall...?"
"Yeah?"
"Sunbae, do you even know your size?"
"Of course I... "
I didn't. They'd measured me at the hospital, sure, but no one had actually told me the numbers. Or maybe they had, and I'd forgotten.
"How're you supposed to shop without knowing your size?"
"...Just eyeball it and guess."
"You can't buy clothes willy-nilly during growth spurts. Proper fits are key to healthy development. Don't you wanna grow taller?"
Ha, getting the "growth spurt" lecture at my age. But yeah, this pint-sized body was a pain in the ass. Could wearing the wrong size really stunt you that bad, though...? I knew squat about puberty stuff, so I couldn't tell if she was bullshitting or not.
"That's true, but—"
"And you've been going on about online shopping, but have you even picked a site?"
"Nope."
"Be honest. You have no clue, do you?"
"How the hell would I know where to buy girl's clothes? Knowing that'd make me a creep. And clothes are just clothes—you grab 'em anywhere."
"That's exactly why I suggested going out to shop. How do you plan to buy them if you don't know jack?"
Wasn't like not caring about fashion was some freak show. I'd been a guy before. Not the type to fuss over that crap like a girl.
"Guys care about fashion these days too. Don't lump everyone in with you just 'cause you don't bother."
"...Liar."
"Doesn't Hwa-won sunbae dress to the nines? Guy's got fans for days."
Hwa-won dressing up? Well, sustaining that level of popularity without it would be weirder. Come to think of it, the dude did slather on some fancy creams and always wore sharp outfits.
"That's him, this is me."
"Sunbae, I'm not saying dress up just 'cause you're a girl now. Like it or not, you're a woman in this world, and you'll end up around other women sooner or later. For us, looks are a weapon. Stepping out bare-faced is like charging into battle unarmed. Think about it—getting dissed or ignored by girls 'cause you look sloppy. Doesn't that piss you off? Women instinctively rank people below them like that. Could you handle another girl treating you like some lowly underling?"
Muk Ha-neul's tirade was grating. From the premise of me living as a woman, to this shallow crap about weaponizing looks. But the second part... it kinda rang true. I had zero interest in playing by women's rules or hierarchies, but getting dismissed as easy pickings or worthless? No way I could stomach that.
"But what does that have to do with going out now?"
"Well... gotta start off right to build good habits, right?"
Even so, skipping one outing wouldn't doom me to that fate. I wasn't dumb enough to fall for such transparent bullshit.
"Don't try sweet-talking me with weird logic."
"If I hypnotize you, will you go?"
"No."
"So mean."
What was this? She'd always seemed a tad wary of me before, but today she was treating me like an old pal. The reason... this new face, probably. People can't help judging by appearances. Not weird, but it irked me a little. Still, demanding she fear me like old times would've been ridiculous, so I kept it zipped.
"Can't you just recommend a site or something?"
"I don't know kids' clothing sites either! I'm not a mom."
"I'm not a kid."
I let out a heavy sigh. Her claim felt fishy, but for a girl, she was pretty tall. So maybe she really didn't know. Probably?
"...Did I upset you?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry. Got a little carried away."
Had my sigh tipped her off? She apologized, slipping back into her old self a bit.
"Still want you to come shopping, though. Even ordering today means at least two days for delivery. If that outfit's from yesterday, that's four days straight in the same clothes—summer heat and all. Super gross. Underwear's a whole other issue."
Her tone shifted from playful to dead serious, and honestly, it shook me. I'd already slipped back into post-shower clothes yesterday. In this summer swelter, that was nasty. Do it for two more days? My resolve wavered.
"This isn't a guy-girl thing. It's basic human hygiene. Close your eyes, go out just for today. It's Thursday—malls won't be packed."
My heart tipped further. In the end, I caved a little.
"Fine, whatever. It'll be a quick trip. Hit Uniqlo or something, grab basics, and bounce."
"If we're going out, might as well hit the mall? Uniqlo doesn't do fittings."
"I'm broke as hell right now—hospital bills. Can't splurge. Uniqlo's my limit."
Naturally, money was tight with those medical costs looming. The payout for my body's "byproducts" was hefty enough to cover what I'd already shelled out, but future bills meant I had to pinch pennies.
"Then let me cover it today."
No wonder my heart flipped at that.
"Why would you?"
"You've always bought me coffee."
"Just paying you back."
~ Of course, I knew full well all those coffees wouldn't even dent a decent outfit's price. But I accepted anyway—maybe a twinge of guilt played in. I'd shorted her on that old promise a bit.
I'd made a deal with Muk Ha-neul: we'd go see that play together. Wrapping my head around promising a date with a girl felt alien, but a promise was a promise. Was it 'cause she wasn't like other girls? Or had I sensed something different in her? Probably just senility kicking in that day.
Either way, I made the promise—and broke it. No clue if she went alone. The tickets were likely expired by now. So this shopping trip was my apology. I had enough shame to own up like that.
An apology for ditching our play date. Kinda date-like in its own way.
But I should've realized it then. Why she'd been so dead set on dragging me outside. Why hit me up so soon after discharge, pushing a risky outing.
I grabbed just the hat—no prep needed—and headed to the door. I stepped out first; she lagged a sec. Peeking back, she was furiously tapping her smartphone, like texting someone.
"What're you doing?"
"Oh, sorry! Done now. Coming."
"Who you texting?"
"Just... an acquaintance."
Muk Ha-neul flashed a sly little smile. She looked thrilled.