Staring into the Mirror
I ended up unable to give her an answer, and the visit came to a close. Ham Ye-jin said she'd stop by again before my discharge. She asked me to make up my mind by then. What the hell was I supposed to do? In the end, I couldn't decide and drifted off to sleep.
Come to think of it, I'd forgotten all about it because I'd been half out of my mind since turning into a woman, but they hadn't given me back my smartphone. When I asked the nurse who brought breakfast, she said the hospital had confiscated it just in case I searched for articles about myself and had some kind of mental breakdown. Now that I knew, I demanded it back, and she said she'd check with the doctor and let me know.
My few connections must have seen the articles by now. I had no idea what they'd be saying. The director at the orphanage was probably worried sick about me. That's just the kind of person she was. As for my editor at the publishing house—what was he thinking? I wasn't exactly a bestseller to begin with, so he was probably pissed that sales would tank even more because of this scandal.
Muk Ha-neul… who knows. We hadn't even gone on that date. I couldn't begin to guess what she'd think when she heard I'd become a woman. I felt bad for Seo Jae-a. It had only been a week since we started tutoring, and now the teacher had collapsed and been carted off to the hospital. It was awkward for Professor Seo too. I'd caused a scene at the spot he'd recommended me for (not that it was my fault, obviously), and now I'd ditched the tutoring gig too.
And Kang Hwa-won… what was he thinking? The guy hated women almost as much as I did. Sure, he loved sleeping with them, but deep down, he was cut from the same cloth as me. So what would a guy like that think if he saw me as a woman? Would he just lump me in with all the other women he despised? The thought sent a slight chill through me.
But that fear didn't last. When I glanced down at my body, a scoff escaped my lips. There was no way he'd be into this scrawny, childish little frame. It was a stupid worry. Just because I'd become a woman didn't mean my mind had turned female too. Hwa-won would get that. Right…?
I shoved down the nagging anxiety and repeated it to myself. I couldn't run away. Yeah, I'd always faced everything head-on, never backing down. Fleeing from all this just because I'd become a woman wasn't me at all. Hell, that would be the more womanly thing to do. I couldn't allow that. Not ever.
That's how my life was going to be from now on. I'd have to keep proving I was still a man inside, no matter what. That wouldn't be hard. I'd always done it. I wasn't about to let some superficial skin-deep bullshit define me. I was me. Don't run.
I decided against the identity laundering after all. Whatever came, I'd face it straight on and fight. That settled it.
Then, steeling myself, I reached out with my reluctant hand and grabbed the mirror from the corner. Had becoming a woman made me weaker too? It felt heavier than I expected.
I held it in front of my face with my eyes squeezed shut. All I had to do was open them. Despite having psyched myself up, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Seeing my changed face terrified and repulsed me.
But no one can live their whole life without looking in a mirror. It was a trial I had to get through eventually, and putting it off now would just mean putting it off forever.
I cracked my eyelids open just the tiniest bit at first. Then slowly, slowly, I opened my eyes.
It had been days since I'd last seen this face. It was… small. Definitely small. It was hard to believe it belonged to the same person as before.
My eyes, on the other hand, were big. I'd been worried my hair turning white might have changed something else too, but thankfully, my eyes were still their normal black. Nothing else seemed off. Eyes, nose, mouth, ears—all in place. Just a perfectly normal face.
But there was one standout feature. It was pretty. And young. Still carrying a bit of that cute vibe, but it was obvious this would bloom into real feminine beauty with just a little maturing. I could even see faint traces of my old face in it.
Staring at it any longer started to make my stomach churn. I finally set the mirror down and covered it again. What good was a pretty face to me? Was it telling me to flutter my eyelashes at guys and live like a coward, like other women? No way in hell. I'd rather die.
Being stuck looking this young was inconvenient in all sorts of ways too. No one would mistake me for an adult. If I went out on a weekday, they'd probably peg me for some truant middle or high schooler. Buying smokes or booze would be a nightmare. But if I wasn't laundering my identity, they'd issue a new resident card anyway, so maybe it'd be fine.
I forced myself to look in the mirror again, stomach turning, trying to get used to my own face. As I stared myself down in the reflection, the nurse who'd returned called out to me.
“Patient?”
“Yes.”
“Here's your phone.”
The nurse finally brought my phone. I'd been so out of it the past few days that I hadn't even missed it much, but now that I had it back, I wondered how I'd survived without it.
I turned it on right away and checked Messenger. There were a bunch of missed calls, but I started with KakaoTalk. A self-deprecating laugh burst out of me in that instant.
Only four people had messaged me: Hwa-won, Muk Ha-neul, Seo Jae-a, and my editor. And even the editor's was purely businesslike—just a link to the article and a note to talk after discharge.
It really hit home how narrow my circle was. None of the other writers I'd gotten chummy with at industry drinking parties had even checked in.
The missed calls were much the same. With a sigh, I scrolled through the backlog.
These were from Seo Jae-a. I'd wondered if he'd despise me. I had zero regrets about what I'd done, but outing someone wasn't exactly noble behavior.
Still, Seo Jae-a seemed like a good kid at heart—just a weird writer, not a bad person.
Muk Ha-neul's messages were like this—dozens of them stacked up.
Hwa-won's, on the other hand, was simple.
That was it. Checking the timestamp, he'd had plenty of time to see the articles. Even after I became a woman, did Hwa-won still see me as a friend? No way to know, but that short message was a small comfort amid everything.
I asked the nurse sitting nearby. “Any other visitors requested?”
“Yes, a woman named Muk Ha-neul. No one else. A reporter tried pretending to be a friend once, but we caught her before she got in.”
So only Muk Ha-neul had tried to visit. Hwa-won hadn't come. I replied to the three of them.
Replies came quick. Seo Jae-a just said Okay, Hwa-won Got it. But Muk Ha-neul called me right away.
I reflexively went to answer, then remembered my voice had changed. It was so natural now, perfectly matching my new look—not a man's voice at all. I didn't want her hearing it. I hung up and texted.
I wasn't okay at all. But I didn't want to show weakness. I put on the same bravado I'd used with Hwa-won.
I gave a wry smile. She was asking about the facts, so she'd ditch me eventually too. Women were like that.
But Muk Ha-neul shot back like it was the most obvious thing.
…That part? I felt like an idiot for jumping to conclusions. But since it'd come up, I had to ask.
So my reputation in the department had tanked to utter disgust levels because of that? It felt unfair—I'd dropped out and even done my military service over it.
But Muk Ha-neul had still tried to get close to me knowing all that? Even I couldn't wrap my head around that. Sticking by me despite knowing I hated women.
Still, it was obvious she'd ditch me now. Why else would she have stuck around knowing my past? As much as I hate to admit it, she'd probably been attracted to me rationally. But now I was a woman. No longer someone she could feel that for.
Proving the point, her reply went silent. After about ten minutes, it finally came.