Poison Mushrooms Amid Spring Blossoms
Age was one thing, but topics like periods and pregnancy were more than enough to awaken the rage I'd buried deep inside. I finally snapped at the doctor's nonsense and hurled a pillow at him. It didn't even hit—he was too far away, and it flopped down right in front of him. A nurse picked it up and tucked it into the corner of the bed.
"…Nurse."
The nurses grabbed hold of me, pinning my body down to stop me from causing another scene. I didn't have the strength to fight back anyway.
"To continue, your uterus isn't fully mature yet—it's at a teenage level—so please refrain from sexual activity. I apologize if that sounds uncomfortable, but it was something I had to mention."
"I get it, so let me go."
The doctor ignored me. "You'll be producing a lot of female hormones, so you might feel emotionally unstable or struggle with mood control. Your personality could change too."
Damn hormones. Are humans ultimately slaves to them? Would my noble spirit rot away and submit under the guise of "hormonal effects"? How inferior does a woman have to be for something as simple as hormones to make her emotions swing wildly?
Yeah, I could already tell the hormones were hitting me hard. Controlling my feelings right now was no easy task.
The doctor kept rattling off precautions and info about the condition. I wanted to plug my ears, but my arms were already restrained by the nurses. Glancing at the mirror he'd left in the corner on his first visit, he said,
"Have you looked at your face directly since that day?"
"No."
This room didn't even have a bathroom mirror—there were clear signs it'd been hastily removed. I hadn't seen my face since then, and I hadn't even thought to peek at the doctor's mirror.
"I know it's still hard to accept, but putting it off could take a serious toll on your mental health. I recommend looking in the mirror regularly to get used to it."
"Get used to this body?"
"You'll have to live with it now, like it or not."
It was horrifying.
"Anyway, that's all from me. I've covered your physical condition and any pathologies, so the NIS agent will handle the rest."
Oh, sure.
The doctor and nurses left the room—and didn't forget to lock the door behind them. Now brimming with even more disgust, I dragged the pillow from the corner and hugged it tight. Something felt profoundly empty.
The doctor had suggested looking in the mirror. But I didn't have the courage. If I did, I'd have to truly accept this reality.
I hesitated, then pulled the mirror over. Flipping it would reveal the face of the woman I'd become. Should I look?
In the end, I didn't. Or rather, I couldn't.
Time passed until dinnertime. When the door finally opened, it wasn't a nurse—it was a woman in a suit. I instinctively scowled. She reminded me of Jin Seo-hye.
"Hello, Seol-guk-ssi. That's you, right? I'm Ham Ye-jin, an NIS agent."
"…Hello."
"I heard you haven't had dinner yet, so I brought some simple sandwiches. Want one?"
"Sure."
After growing sick of the hospital's tasteless slop, that sounded like a godsend. The initial unease from her first impression faded a bit.
"You can eat while we talk."
"Okay."
As I picked out the tomatoes (which I hate) and nibbled away—my small mouth made it a slow process—Ham Ye-jin pulled out various documents.
"For identity issues, we need your consent to proceed, so nothing's changed yet. On paper, you're still male, and your current body is essentially without legal status."
Hmm.
"Sudden Gender Transformation Syndrome cases aren't that common, but all previous patients have gone through the NIS program and received entirely new identities. Of course, perfect secrecy is impossible—some info always leaks—but since it's under NIS management, we've kept it from blowing up into a major scandal. We were planning to recommend the same process for you."
"But?"
"Your case has a complication, so that program might be tricky now."
"What kind?"
"…Could you take a look at this?"
Ham Ye-jin pulled a laptop from her bag and showed me an article.
There was a photo of an unfamiliar girl with stark white hair, lying pale on a stretcher.
"…Huh?"
The articles didn't stop there. There were pieces about the explosive interview revelations too—though none mentioned the syndrome. One name immediately came to mind: Jin Seo-hye. Was this her revenge?
Heat rushed to my head. I checked the byline right away. I'd assumed it was Jin Seo-hye, but the names were Andong-su and Kim Hak-gu—total strangers.
"What… the hell?"
"We heard you collapsed during the interview. We're looking into it, but Jin Seo-hye submitted her resignation that day, and we got a nondisclosure agreement from her as soon as we could."
"Then this?"
"Another reporter there must have sniffed something out. Jin Seo-hye probably figured that even if she couldn't write it, the drama would draw others in. One of them followed you to the hospital, snuck into your room, and snapped that photo. Thanks to that, you're… pretty famous now."
I couldn't believe it. The whole world knew about this mess I'd become? Closing the article revealed sky-high views and comments. My mind went blank.
"If you'd transformed into someone more ordinary-looking, we could protect you somehow. But your appearance stands out, you're a known novelist, and this article has drawn a ton of attention. It might be… difficult."
"…"
The half-eaten sandwich dropped from my mouth. The mangled remains splattered on the floor, mirroring my own shattered state.
"Of course, options like plastic surgery, dyeing your hair, or even leaving the country exist. Protecting you isn't impossible. But with reporters already sneaking in disguised as patients, you'd better decide quickly."
"De…cide?"
"Either wash your identity clean and live as someone new, or come out as Seol-guk and ride the wave of attention. Neither is easy, but those are your only two paths."
I… fell silent. I had no idea which to choose.
Glancing down at the article again, it was nothing but abuse. Vulgar insults, mocking schadenfreude. A few stayed neutral, but they were the minority.
Why? Why inflict this trial on me?
Caught in a whirlwind of rage and exhaustion—these contradictory emotions clashing—I had no clue what to do.
Should I follow this NIS agent's advice, launder my identity, and vanish? But what about everything I'd built? My novels? And the orphanage?
Things had improved a little there, but it had limits. If I bailed, it'd slide right back to square one. Was running away alone the right thing?
"Just so you know, whichever you pick, you'll get some support. Hospital bills might not be fully covered—probably just partial."
"Hospital… bills?"
Even that forgotten nightmare reared its head. Of course—of course I'd racked up costs in a private VIP room at a major hospital. Over a week already.
Cold sweat beaded on my skin. I'd donated almost everything I earned after basic savings, so my nest egg wasn't huge.
"Any idea how much?"
"No insurance covers this hospital…. Excluding government aid, it'd be about this."
The figure Ham Ye-jin showed was astronomical. Even emptying my accounts wouldn't cover it.
The room spun. Becoming a woman wasn't the end. Far bigger realities awaited.
"What'll it be?"
Ham Ye-jin pressed for an answer.
"I…"
"Yes."
"I…"
What the hell should I do?