005. Trauma (2)
005. Trauma (2)
Haeun smiled faintly.
"It wasn't a big deal at first. There are a lot of cases where other athletes suddenly see their performance drop. Like a slump...."
"......."
Was this back when she was in high school?
I roughly knew that Haeun had a lot of worries about her performance around that time.
"I just... thought things would go well if I tried harder. After all, this is all I have."
"......."
"But no matter how hard I tried... it didn't work out. My records kept getting worse, and my body felt heavier and heavier...."
I remember her coach calling occasionally back then.
Saying that Haeun seemed to have a lot of worries these days, but she wouldn't talk about them at all.
He told me to try reaching out since she might talk to me, but...
"...Then, I happened to see it."
"...What?"
Haeun stopped talking for a moment, then downed the alcohol she was holding all at once.
"...The things written... about my body."
"...Body?"
Haeun nodded faintly.
"......."
A sinister premonition washed over me.
Until she was in middle school, my younger sister had been a fairly popular athlete.
She even had a fan club, small as it was.
Among them were people who came to the training ground and tried to secretly take pictures or videos of Haeun.
Most of them were caught by security and my hands, but we couldn't stop all of them.
The photos and videos that leaked out like that occasionally became a small topic of discussion online.
...In various ways.
"Why did you look that up?"
"No matter how hard I tried... I couldn't do it alone, so I was curious what other people thought...."
Haeun popped open a new can and drank kkulkkeok kkulkkeok.
Before I knew it, the corners of her eyes were damp.
Perhaps the alcohol was kicking in, as a reddish flush lingered on her cheeks.
"But... it was different from what I thought. No one was interested in my records or techniques..."
"......."
I felt like I roughly knew what had happened.
She must have had so many worries.
It must have been tough.
And it probably wasn't something she could easily confide in anyone about.
Therefore, with the mindset of grasping at straws.
She must have tried to find her own breakthrough.
At that young age.
"...You should have at least told me."
Haeun stared blankly at me and smiled weakly.
"How could I? I knew oppa was busy going to school."
"......."
Guilt washed over me.
A bastard like me, not even knowing that my younger sister was struggling so much...
"...Is that why you tried to quit being an athlete?"
"...No. That's not it."
"Then what?"
Haeun was already opening her third can of beer.
"It was a shock when I first saw it, but I could still endure it. ...Because I just had to avoid looking at it."
"......."
"But ever since I saw those posts... I kept feeling other people's gazes."
"Gazes?"
Haeun nodded slowly.
"It felt like someone kept staring at my body. That bothered me so much that I started getting worse at things I used to be able to do... and later on, I even became scared of wearing my gymnastics uniform."
"......."
"Because of that, little by little... I started to hate myself."
"...That is."
Self-hatred.
Haeun had spent her entire life since childhood only doing sports.
A small mat was Haeun's world and everything.
The fear that she might lose all of that.
That was what drove her further into a corner.
"The more that happened, the more I clung to training. I even asked my seniors to help me. But...."
Haeun continuously downed her drink.
"...I went to the bathroom and heard it. That I'm... a talisman."
"A talisman?"
Haeun answered with a bitter smile.
From some point on, among the seniors.
Rumors had been going around that if they touched Haeun's body, they could get good results in competitions.
That they were passing all their bad luck onto Haeun...
She was being treated like a warding-off talisman.
"Isn't that... sexual harassment?"
Haeun shook her head.
"It wasn't to that extent. It was just... touching my shoulders or arms."
I gripped the empty beer can tightly.
Kkaeddeuk, the can crumpled.
...Anger surged up.
I was pissed off that those bitches calling themselves seniors viewed Haeun that way,
but fury flared up within me toward myself, who had left Haeun alone in that darkness.
"I was scared. What if the rumors were true? What if I couldn't continue my athlete career like this, what if I really couldn't do anything anymore... things like that."
"......."
"Then... what about oppa? Halmeoni is sick, and oppa hasn't even graduated from college yet. I couldn't become a burden too."
"...Haeun."
"That's why I tried to quit before it was too late. If I couldn't become a national athlete, I had to find another path quickly so it wouldn't be a burden to oppa."
"...Haeun. Stop."
I had to stop her.
The time Haeun had to endure all alone.
Those painful days.
Rising to the surface again,
I didn't want to see it tormenting Haeun anymore.
But Haeun continued to mumble with heavily reddened eyes.
"...Why is my body made like this? It's just cumbersome and useless. If it weren't for this body, if that were the case... I wouldn't have been a burden to oppa like this."
"Haeun. That's not true."
At that, Haeun abruptly raised her head.
"......What's not true?"
With a heavily intoxicated gaze,
she asked, looking at me hazily.
"Tell me. What isn't true? Have you truly never found me annoying, oppa? I..., I have nothing I can do for oppa."
Transparent tears began to drip down Haeun's eyes.
"......Haeun."
What should I answer?
How should I comfort her?
The inner feelings Haeun confessed for the first time were covered in wounds.
It wasn't a level that could be resolved with simple words like "we're family, so rely on me."
"......Yoo Haeun. Look at this."
I took out my phone, unlocked it, and showed her the wallpaper.
"...This is..."
The Haeun inside the screen was smiling brightly.
"It's the day you successfully landed a technique for the first time."
"......."
I don't know.
How hard Haeun tried.
With what mindset she endured until now.
I can only vaguely gauge it.
"Rolling, jumping, spinning several times in the air... none of that came naturally from the start."
"......."
"Even when it didn't go well, even when you kept failing and falling, you didn't give up and kept going. You worked hard until your hands bled."
"......oppa."
I grabbed Haeun's hand.
Even though she had rested for months due to rehabilitation, it was still rough with calluses that hadn't disappeared.
Haeun's life remained intact right there.
ㅡSo.
"You can take pride in it. There has never been a single time I wasn't proud of you."
"...Sob......."
Haeun dropped her head while holding my hand, and soon burst into tears with her shoulders shaking.
"Huk... hueokeok...."
The sound that leaked out softly at first grew louder and louder, until she was eventually crying so hard she seemed out of breath.
I didn't say anything.
I just gripped Haeun's hand a little tighter, and slowly stroked the top of her head with my other hand.
"...I'm sorry. For not realizing it sooner."
Instead of answering, Haeun leaned her body against me.
Her head touched my shoulder, and hot tears soaked my T-shirt.
"I... I was really... scared...."
"Yeah."
"Thinking that the way people looked at me, that my body... was dirty... I wanted to quit everything and run away."
"Yeah."
I hugged Haeun tightly.
"If you fall, you can just start over again. Oppa is here. Let's do it together this time."
Haeun slowly looked up at me.
With a face smeared with tears.
"...Really?"
"Really."
I gently stroked Haeun's back.
A small, fragile warmth.
Beyond it, the sound of a beating heart was transmitted.
"......."
I pulled Haeun into a stronger embrace.
It's not too late, even now.
Because she's my one and only flesh and blood.
Because she's family.
I will become a reliable pillar of support for her.
So that Haeun can lean on me.
**
I brought Haeun, exhausted from crying, to her room and laid her down.
I wiped away her smeared makeup with wet wipes and turned on the air conditioner.
As I tried to cover her with a blanket, Haeun grabbed my wrist tightly.
"...Don't go."
Her voice was choked up.
"Stay by my side... until I fall asleep."
"...Alright."
As I quietly sat on the edge of the bed, Haeun shook her head side to side and pulled on my wrist.
"Not there. ...Here."
"......."
With no other choice, I lay down facing Haeun.
Lying down with her head on my arm, Haeun cautiously wrapped her arms around my waist.
Entangling her legs with mine to keep me from getting up,
she buried her face straight into my chest.
"...oppa."
"Yeah."
"...oppa."
"Yeah."
Haeun called out to me several times, and every single time, I answered her.
Only after a long while did Haeun's breathing become even and soft.
Even so, she didn't loosen her arms.
Rather, she kept holding onto me tightly even after falling asleep.
In the dark room,
where only the sound of the air conditioner's breeze could be heard.
"......."
I looked down at Haeun's sleeping face.
Dried tear stains.
Slightly parted lips.
Slender collarbones exposed between her clothes.
Without a word, I lightly poked Haeun's cheek.
It's soft.
For someone so slender and frail like this...
"......."
I pulled Haeun's body a little closer toward me and hugged her.
Haeun's body heat slowly seeped through her thin clothes.
For some reason, one side of my chest felt ticklish.
Even so, I wondered if it was a bit much for grown adult siblings to sleep hugging each other, but...
my hand wouldn't easily fall away from Haeun's back.
Because I am oppa.
Because I have to protect my younger sister.
So.
...Just for today.
Resolving myself with that thought, I slowly closed my eyes.