004. Regression (3)
004. Regression (3)
Yeonju's eyes wavered unsteadily.
It was obvious enough that the thought of, 'Did I say too much?' was written all over her face.
"Hey. Who is it, that bastard?"
"That's... it's a bit complicated to explain."
What is she trying to do right now?
If she was going to stop halfway, she shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.
Did she think her own brother would just indifferently brush that off?
"So, what exactly is the situation? You have to tell me so Oppa can help, or whatever."
"Ah, shit. Just... stop prying."
Because she was spitting out the situation in fragmented, disjointed pieces, I couldn't for the life of me understand what kind of predicament she was in.
She definitely said she was doing editing work last time.
So why is she suddenly dealing with people on the internet?
...Does it mean the YouTuber giving her work is hitting on her?
"How can I just stay still and not pry? You said you're being stalked."
"I told you not to pry.... I'm... struggling too...."
I tried to get an answer by pressing her on every little detail, but to my dismay, my sister's eyes were glistening.
...To the point where if I poked her just a little, she would burst into tears right then and there.
"...."
No matter how much I wanted to push her, I didn't have a hobby of making my sister cry.
In just a few days, she lost half of her entire fortune, and on top of that, she was being stalked.
Why else would a kid who hadn't even been in touch for half a year suddenly show up at her brother's place out of the blue?
...She was pushed to her mental limit.
And,
It was me who pushed Yeonju into that state.
Fuck.
When I weighed the possibilities, talking about hedging this and that, whether this fits game theory or not—I was acting like an asshole.
I should have thought about a person's feelings first.
"...I won't ask any deeper, just tell me one thing. You are being stalked, right?"
"...It's not quite stalking yet, but if it goes on a little longer, I think it might... become that."
"Does he know where you live?"
"I'm not sure about that...."
"Come here. ...Don't just suffer alone."
"...."
No matter how I thought about it, I couldn't leave my sister alone.
Stalker aside, it was my responsibility that her mental state was completely shattered.
Should I just regress one more time?
If we drink and fall asleep together, maybe..., it would work.
If it's the same as last time, one day prior, I'd go back to the 13th.
I could go back and make one phone call, and I could save her immediately just like before.
I've already experienced the 13th three times, but my intervention didn't distort the charts or anything.
Then, doing it a fourth time shouldn't make a big difference in the grand scheme of things.
Let's prioritize protecting my sister's mental health over money.
That's the right thing to do.
"I think it's really dangerous to leave you alone, so live here for a while. I'll get a mattress and sleep in the living room."
"...Isn't that uncomfortable?"
"I'm more anxious when you're not in my sight. You lost all that money, suddenly came over and started tearing up, and said you're being stalked. How am I supposed to just leave you alone?"
"...."
Yeonju, who had been listening to me quietly, squeezed her eyes shut, gave a stiff nod, and then lay back down on the bed, burying her face in the pillow.
After that, she waved her hand at me as if telling me to get out, effectively issuing an eviction order.
Of course, since the guest was Yeonju, not me, I didn't bother leaving.
"Yeonju-ya."
"...."
"Stay here for a while and get some good rest. We can talk about the details slowly when you wake up."
"...Yeah."
A voice half-buried in the pillow, barely audible.
The pillow must be a little damp by now.
"Cry if you want to. You're still young. You're only 26, for god's sake."
"I wasn't crying...."
"Alright, alright. ...If you can't handle it, sleep some more. You'll feel a bit better when you wake up."
"...Yeah."
I stroked Yeonju's hair as she clung to the bed, not showing me a single expression, and stayed by her side until she fell asleep.
...Thinking that I made her like this, the guilt is no joke.
Still, if I go back, I can make it as if it never happened.
It'll probably be fine.
I can just fix it, just fix it.
Seeing that my sister was asleep, I slipped in next to her to catch up on some sleep, but unfortunately, I didn't regress.
When I opened my eyes, my sister was still asleep.
Maybe it's because it was a nap?
The theory that time is also a condition became even stronger.
...Do I have to sleep with her at night after all?
Maybe I need to drink and sleep together.
Anyway, as soon as we woke up late, I went with my sister to her studio apartment in Bupyeong, where she felt quite embarrassed.
We packed a carrier full of clothes to change into and necessary daily supplies and came back.
Of course, it's a meaningless act if I'm going to regress anyway..., but there's no guarantee I'll go back.
Since I thought I might go back anyway, I could treat her better without hesitation, so I didn't feel ashamed even while saying sweet-talk.
So, even after we came back, I spent the whole day forcing my sister to watch cat shorts, movies, dramas, etc., trying my best to keep her from having stray thoughts.
Of course, she still wasn't in a normal state, but since I kept her from touching her phone, she seemed a little more composed by the afternoon.
"Want to drink?"
"...Yeah."
...But me, that bastard.
I somehow coaxed Yeonju, whom I had calmed down, into letting me mix her a highball.
I'm sorry, little sister.
But this is the only way I can make the terror you experienced never happen.
"...Haa. It's good."
"Are you a bit calmer?"
"A little. ...I want to die a little less now."
"I told you not to say things like that."
"It's because Oppa keeps treating me like... someone who wants to die."
Yeonju, having drunk the highball, finally smiled at my question, and having moved on to the stage of acceptance, stared blankly at the ceiling.
...That look was exactly the same emotional flow I had experienced about five times, so honestly, my heart didn't feel very comfortable.
It's hard to get out of that.
Unless you win back your principal.
"...Oppa."
"Yeah."
"Aren't you curious about how I got a stalker?"
"You told me not to ask."
"...I wanted to back then. But now, I feel like you'd understand if I told you."
Yeonju, whispering in a hollow voice as if letting go of everything, started to bring up the secret she had tried so hard to hide that morning.
"I'll listen. What is it?"
"...I actually do broadcasts."
"Broadcasts?"
"Internet broadcasts. ...Though I'm taking a break right now."
...An answer that immediately makes the excuse of being an 'editor' from the previous loop make sense.
People don't usually create lies out of thin air.
Dealing with people on the internet.
Doing work related to videos.
Work that's good for a pretty girl to do.
Actually, ever since she said she was being stalked, it was somewhat within my range of assumptions.
For a kid who didn't have any social life to have 120 million won in seed money, her profession was bound to be somewhat specific.
"What kind of broadcast? Do you show your face?"
"I didn't."
"Then radio?"
"...I use a character or something. Usually."
"Ah. That one."
I didn't need to say more to know what she meant.
...Now I know why she tried to hide it earlier.
No matter how close family is, it wouldn't be easy to reveal.
"So is that stalker one of your viewers?"
"...Yeah."
"How did that happen?"
"At first, it was just normal. They'd come every time I broadcasted, chat, and donate."
"How much did they donate for it to get like this?"
"...If you add it all up, they gave a little over 20 million won."
"Crazy."
But I was more horrified by that fact than the secret itself.
20 million won to a woman whose face you don't even know.
There's a limit to the goodwill a person gives, and at that level, there's no way it wouldn't be a burden.
"I was grateful at first, too. They came every day. There were times when the chat wouldn't move at all if that person wasn't there."
"So you accepted separate contact too?"
"...They'd ask when I was turning on the broadcast sometimes. Just that much."
"And then they gradually crossed the line?"
"...Starting from when they started seeing that my mental state was unstable."
"Exactly how?"
"That is—"
Yeonju answered quickly, as if making an excuse.
At first, they only talked about the broadcast.
How the broadcast was today.
What game they wanted her to play.
If there was anything hard going on lately.
Such trivial conversations continued every day, and as the donation amount grew, it became difficult for Yeonju to ignore the replies.
Then, at some point, they would get angry if the reply was late.
They would get jealous if she talked to other viewers for too long.
They started making demands tied to reality, like what she ate today, daily photos where her face wasn't visible, or asking her to take a proof shot of the gift they sent.
"You should have blocked them then."
"I know."
"You knew, so why didn't you?"
"...Because I was scared."
My mouth, which was about to press her further, shut at that one small whisper.
"I knew how much money that person spent on my broadcast, and I knew what kind of feelings they had for me.... ...And I didn't know how to make a living other than this. I didn't know what they would do if I blocked them, so I tried to appease them little by little."
"It didn't work?"
"Yeah. ...Starting from when the stocks fell, they donated more and acted like that even more."
Should I call that comfort?
...Or should I call it gaslighting, aiming for a moment of weakness?
"I don't even know what you do, so how are they so obsessed with you?"
"...I turned the cam on once before."
"You said you didn't show your face."
"I covered my face, just below the neck for a moment."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because a viewer asked me to. ...And the donations were exploding more than I thought. I did it after receiving a mission. I didn't know it would turn out like this back then."
Yeonju answered as if regretting it, but couldn't meet my eyes properly.
She must be embarrassed.
...Since it's not an easy story to confess to family.
"After that, they became more persistent. They weren't like that when they only heard my voice, but they kept acting like they liked me as a person..., and I couldn't just cut them off after all the money they spent."
"...Did they even doxx you?"
"I don't know about that. ...How much they know."
Yeonju toyed with the empty glass and poured the remaining whiskey in as she pleased.
I quickly snatched the glass away just as she was about to bring it to her lips before I could mix in the cider.
"Hey. Drink slowly."
"...I'm drinking to get drunk."
"You'll ruin your stomach anyway."
When I filled the glass with cider and gave it back, Yeonju glared at me with dissatisfied eyes but quietly swallowed a sip of the highball.
"Haa.... Shouldn't I just cut them off now? Because they crossed the line too much.... That's what I thought."
"And?"
"...But when I started losing money, I couldn't."
Yeonju's finger slowly rubbed the water droplets forming on the surface of the glass.
"Originally, I wasn't that scared even if the broadcast didn't go well. I had money saved up, and I thought I could find another job if push came to shove."
"But."
"Since the money in my account kept decreasing.... I felt like if the broadcast failed too, I would really have nothing left."
That person started donating even more from that point on.
As Yeonju felt more anxious.
As she tried to act nonchalant on the broadcast but her anxiety showed through.
They would say it's okay and send money.
They said they were there, so don't worry, and demanded private contact.
"When it was cut in half this time... I was really scared."
"Of what?"
"That if I cut this person off, my life would be completely ruined."
You're still young, and you still have 60 million won left.
I was about to say that, but I shut my mouth.
The fear of money decreasing cannot be compared by the amount.
It's calculated by the percentage of one's life, that.
To her, it must feel like half of the time she's saved up so far has disappeared entirely.
...I'm the one who lost everything I had and came back.
"A while ago, they asked me to send a photo."
"A photo?"
"Not asking to show my whole face. Just one, wearing a mask, for them to see only."
"So did you send it?"
"I didn't, but... I thought about sending it."
So that's why Lee Yeonju is letting out a dry laugh while saying something like that.
"If I can keep getting donations by sending one photo, isn't that better? It's not like I'm showing my face, so what's the problem? ...I really thought that."
"......."
"I went right up to the point of pressing the send button, and suddenly I felt so disgusted with myself."
...She, who was usually so cautious, must have been pushed to the point of thinking like that.
"Knowing full well what that person wants from me. Knowing they're spending money because they want to have... a pseudo-relationship with me, or a real one. And I was agonizing over it because I felt like I couldn't survive without that money."
"Hey."
"...Don't I sound like a fucking whore?"
"Lee Yeonju."
"What."
"Don't talk like that."
"...I was just saying."
My voice came out louder than I thought.
Yeonju looked up at me with only her eyes, holding the glass to her lips.
"Stop self-deprecating. Anyone in your situation would think like that. It's not because you're a gold digger or anything."
"...I know, that's why I was disgusted. ...I thought I was a person with some self-esteem, but I wasn't."
Yeonju kept her lips pressed tight and tilted the glass again.
One glass.
Two glasses.
As I drank along with her pace, our faces slowly flushed, and our sharp gazes softened little by little.
The moment it was obvious at a glance that she was dead drunk.
"Oppa."
"Yeah."
"...Do I look like I'm easy?"
"What kind of bullshit is that?"
I stepped back involuntarily at the question I hadn't even expected.
Yeonju covered her mouth and giggled, as if my reaction was funny.
"No, everyone says so.... ...I didn't even show my face, but they pour money in. Even people who don't spend money look at me and act like assholes."
"If you're drunk, go to sleep properly."
"Look."
Yeonju didn't wait for my answer and took out her phone.
After entering an internet community and typing something into the search bar, she turned the screen toward me.
Komachi.
Posts were packed underneath the name I was hearing for the first time.
[Komachi half-cam.gif]
[Ugh]
[Her body is the real deal, not her voice]
[Fuuck, if I become a top donor, will she send me a secret broadcast?]
[Honestly, her pretending to be innocent with that body is the biggest turn-on]
[So she was just a commoner behind the avatar, get rid of the model]
...My stomach turned just reading the titles.
Below that, there were endless posts of people arbitrarily enlarging captured photos, critiquing her body, and speculating about her face and private life.
"Why do you look up stuff like this?"
"I'm curious. What people think when they look at me."
"Even so, this kind of low-class—"
"I make a living doing this, don't I?"
Yeonju shook the screen up and down while laughing.
"People like this, so they send money. And I act cute because I like it. ...And I lost all the money I earned like that in stocks."
"You didn't lose it all."
"How much longer do I have to do this?"
The laughter disappeared.
"Hearing things like this and giggling. Doing what they tell me to if they send money. ...I don't know how to do anything else but this, now."
The last words were almost a sob.
Yeonju put down her phone and covered her face with both hands.
I stayed silent for a moment, not knowing what to say.
Saying it's okay.
Saying everything will be fine.
It felt like none of that would be any comfort to the current Yeonju.
"...Did you start broadcasting from the beginning to hear things like that?"
"...No."
"At first, whether you liked chatting, or liked playing games. Or liked singing. Didn't you do it because you liked that?"
"...Yeah."
"Then isn't that enough?"
I grabbed Yeonju's wrists and pulled them away from her face.
Whether she was holding back tears, her eyes were redder than before.
"You should do what you like. You don't have to broadcast while doing things you hate just to make money. Will you starve to death if you don't make money? No, you won't."
"...Easy for you to say."
"What if you earn a little less money?"
"Oppa has money, so you can say that easily."
"Ah, shit. I'm saying I'll take responsibility for the bottom line right now. Even if you don't make any money and live as a freeloader, I have enough money to feed you."
"......."
"If you really think you're going to starve to death, ask your family. If you want to broadcast, do it, and if you don't, take a break. If you want to find another job, I'll help you."
It might be a slightly embarrassing thing to say, but I poured it all out without filtering.
If I end up going back anyway, it's all going to be forgotten.
So if my sister here can feel even a little more comfortable, I can endure a bit of embarrassment.
"Those guys blabbering on their own isn't the entirety of your broadcast content. There must be people who genuinely like you as a person. You must have had fun while broadcasting, too."
"...Yeah."
"Then that's enough. You know better than anyone what kind of mindset you had when you broadcasted."
No answer came back for a while.
Instead, Yeonju, who was blinking, slowly emptied the remaining highball and put the empty glass on the table.
Then, she staggered and leaned her body toward me.
Her light head dropped onto my shoulder.
"...It would have been nice if other people had said that too."
"Try asking your friends for comfort."
"You know I don't have friends."
"Don't you have a lot of internet friends?"
"Pfft. ...Still, it's better to be comforted face-to-face."
Breath mixed with the smell of alcohol faintly touched my neck.
Yeonju rubbed her forehead against my shoulder and closed her eyes right there.
"Lee Yeonju."
There was no answer.
"Hey. Are you asleep?"
As if the sobbing from just a moment ago was a lie, even breathing was heard soon after.
"...You really are a handful."
I said that, but I couldn't push her away.
I left my shoulder as it was for a while, waiting until Yeonju's breathing completely settled.
...This memory will eventually disappear, too.
Still, well,
It doesn't feel bad to comfort her.
**
I laid the drunk Yeonju on the bed and covered her with a blanket.
During the day, while pretending to show Yeonju videos, I checked the charts from time to time.
At what time it hit the high, and where it slipped significantly.
What kind of flow it moved with until the market closed.
Down, up, down, up, a total chaotic mess.
This was enough movement to make money without needing to push too hard on the 13th, enough to make even more profit on the 14th.
Besides, right now, Yeonju was asleep in my bed, drunk.
The first and second regressions also happened when I fell asleep in the same bed after drinking.
Since I didn't go back with a nap, maybe the condition of it being night is also necessary.
If I regress this time, it'll probably be the morning of the 13th.
I just need to call Yeonju before the market opens and persuade her to sell everything and buy inverse ETFs.
Since I've done it once, it won't be that difficult.
The conversation we just had will disappear, though.
...I didn't want to see my sister so broken again.
"...Sleep well. See you tomorrow."
I muttered quietly to the unresponsive Yeonju.
I turned off the lights and lay down on the edge of the bed.
Yeonju, who had fallen asleep first while drunk, was curled up toward the wall.
I turned my back, keeping my distance so as not to wake her.
I closed my eyes and went over the charts I memorized today one more time.
Morning decline.
Morning surge.
Plunge around lunchtime.
Rebound before closing again.
By the time that flow was completely drawn in my mind, the tension eased, and my consciousness slowly sank.
...How much is it if I get it all right?
I think I could easily make 2 billion won.
If I make that much, from now on, I won't have to regress and can live a solid life with my sister....
**
"...Gasp."
...Did I come back?
Waking up as if bewitched by the fragrant smell of shampoo, there was no one next to the bed.
As I grabbed my phone and came out of the bedroom,
"Ah, Oppa. You're awake?"
...My sister, who had just washed up, was drying her hair.
Unlike yesterday, her expression was comfortable.
Neither the alcohol, nor the traces of crying remained.
The problem was.
"...Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah. Thanks to you."
...The fact that she's here in the first place means time has already passed.
I turned on my phone.
As expected, July 15th.
Wednesday.
9:21 AM.
"Why...."
I didn't regress.
I definitely fell asleep in the same bed with a drunk Yeonju at night.
It was almost the same situation as before.
Yet, the date was moving normally.
"? Why?"
"Nothing. It's nothing."
...What was different?
Because Yeonju fell asleep first?
Do we have to fall asleep together?
Or do our bodies have to touch while sleeping...?
Or did the miracle end after two times?
Countless hypotheses tangled in my head.
"Oppa."
"Yeah."
"...Thank you."
My brain, which was in chaos, stopped for a moment at my sister's words of gratitude.
As I stared blankly at my sister, Yeonju avoided my gaze and just fiddled with her wet hair.
"For what?"
"Just. For not thinking my words were weird, and for keeping telling me it's okay."
"...We're siblings. I can at least do that much comforting."
"Like you ever acted like an Oppa before."
Today, Yeonju's voice wasn't sharp, nor did it lack energy.
Instead, there was even a very faint smile on her lips.
"Like you said, Oppa, I'll stay here for a while."
"Yeah."
"And I'll block that person. As for the money... I'll think about what to do."
"You thought well."
Yeonju lowered her gaze as if shy, then muttered quietly once more.
"Really, thank you."
A face slightly different from yesterday.
A voice that became more comfortable than before.
A little more trust in the eyes looking at me.
...If I had regressed, all of this would have been erased as if it never happened.
Yeonju wouldn't have trusted me this much.
She would have hidden what kind of work she did as much as possible.
And the conversation we had last night would have all disappeared.
"...Yeah."
I failed to regress.
...But strangely.
I didn't feel like I had failed.
Because for the first time in my life, I felt like I had gotten a little closer to my sister.