026. What Kind of Dream Did You Have?
The 18th, greeted once again on a Saturday evening.
Last night, for the first time in a while, I slept alone.
Yeonju in the bedroom,
and me on the mattress laid out in the living room.
A bed where neither anyone's body heat nor the sound of breathing could be felt.
Just a few days ago that would have been completely normal, but yesterday felt strangely empty, so I tossed and turned for a long time before falling asleep.
Still, when it came down to it..., greeting the weekend brought a certain sense of peace to a corner of my mind.
Staying up through the night without any incidents or accidents, spending the morning.
How long had it been since I greeted an evening so ordinarily without needing to remember anything?
"Try it, oppa. It turned out really delicious."
To wrap up that peaceful day, I sat side by side with my dongsaeng and set a hearty dinner table.
Freshly boiled suyuk and kimchi were piled high on the plate, and we each poured a glass of highball.
Picking up a piping hot piece of steaming meat and dipping it into ssamjang, it tasted far more legit than I expected.
"...It's delicious."
"See? I told you everything works out if you follow the recipe!"
When I neatly wrapped a piece of the suyuk my dongsaeng boiled in the kimchi omma made for us and ate it, Yeonju straightened her back proudly with a smug expression.
...She actually cooks pretty well, surprisingly.
Come to think of it, the beef seaweed soup we had this morning was the same.
When I opened my eyes and came out to the living room, Yeonju was standing in front of the pot without even an apron, stirring the seaweed soup with a ladle.
She had put in so much meat that it was closer to a meat stew than a soup, but maybe it was because good ingredients carry the dish—it was surprisingly edible, beyond my expectations.
Chewing on the suyuk, stuffing a piece or two of kimchi into my mouth.
Washing my mouth out with alcohol, eating again.
After eating three or four pieces like that, I strangely felt dazed.
...Was it because I was experiencing daily life for the first time in a while after constantly living through the extraordinary?
In hindsight, I hadn't enjoyed anything like an ordinary daily life even before the regression.
"...Why are you spacing out like that?"
"Huh?"
"Is it bad?"
"No, it's not that."
"Then why are you mumbling and chewing with such a downcast face, oppa?"
As I zoned out out of nowhere, Yeonju tilted her highball glass and glared sideways at me.
"No, just. I have some things to think about."
"Money?"
"...Why does it always have to be about that?"
"What else is there for oppa to think about besides money? It's not like you have a girlfriend. Nor do you have a job."
"...."
She chattered nonchalantly while clinking her ice, but having no comeback myself, I raised my glass and wet my lips.
...She's right, but.
I really don't want to hear it from you.
"...Hey, come to think of it, are you going to quit streaming?"
"Out of nowhere?"
Having run out of things to say, I had no choice but to fire back at my dongsaeng with the same kind of jab.
...Whatever the case, I managed to secure a livelihood thanks to regression, but she hasn't.
If anything, not having a lover and not working was a far more serious problem for Yeonju.
"Even if we say I'm trading, you... if you quit streaming, you're totally unemployed. ...Won't it be hard to stream if you keep living here?"
"...For now, I'm on a long-term hiatus, so we'll see. It feels like a waste to quit entirely."
When I pointed that out and pried, Yeonju held the highball in her mouth again and replied with a complicated expression.
...Feeling like I brought up an unnecessary topic just because I had nothing to say, I also moistened my mouth with alcohol.
The bitter aroma of whisky and carbonation sharply stung the tip of my tongue.
Sweet, and bitter.
Just like our situation right now.
It would be so nice if the world were only sweet.
"I should rest for about two weeks and then return. I'll need to move my computer over soon, too."
"Here?"
"Where else would I move it? Oppa told me to live here. ...It's a bit cramped, but I guess I'll set it up in the bedroom."
"...There really isn't any other space."
I answered casually, but the words 'move here' strangely lingered in my ears.
It's different from right now, where she only brought a few sets of clothes and immediate necessities.
If she moves her streaming computer and all her equipment over, Yeonju truly becomes a resident living in this house.
Not just staying for a few days and leaving.
Indefinitely.
...To the extent that, if nothing happened, it could last for years.
"...What happened to that hardcore fan who was stalking you?"
Thinking about that, I unnecessarily started worrying about her future.
Now I really have to take responsibility.
Even if he was close to a stalker, I was the one who told her to cut off that hardcore fan, and I was the one who told her to move in here.
I was also the one who blabbered on about taking responsibility.
...Come to think of it, putting full faith in regression, I really blurted out everything without filtering what should and shouldn't be said.
"I should block him."
"Will that be enough?"
"Oppa told me to do that."
But wondering just how much Yeonju trusted my words, she shrugged her shoulders as if it were no big deal.
"In the past, really... I couldn't cut him off because I was terrified of starving to death, but now there's no need for that."
"What if he turns dark and tries to harm you?"
"Then that gives me a reason to quit."
"Quit what."
"Streaming."
...Her saying so nonchalantly that she'd just quit working if things went south made me stare blankly at Yeonju this time.
"...You're way more reckless than I thought."
"Why? I just won't stream."
"Then how are you going to make a living?"
"For a while, I'll just have to sponge off oppa."
Yeonju curled the corners of her mouth slightly and lightly clinked her glass against mine.
After toasting with a jjan, she gave a bright eye smile as if acting cute toward me instead of her fans.
...Was that how she went around seducing her viewers?
Of course, those people wouldn't even know her real-life appearance.
"...Aren't you saying that a little too openly?"
"Who was the one who told me to lean on them first?"
"When did I say I'd feed and support you for life?"
"You said you'd take responsibility if my life got ruined."
"...."
"...You can't break your promise, oppa."
When I looked troubled at her aegyo-mixed coercion, my dongsaeng smiled playfully and spoke earnestly.
...Those words kept bothering me like a thorn stuck in my throat.
If things went on like this, we'd end up living together for a while.
I would probably stare at the charts every single day, dreaming of regression.
And then, whether a crash or a surge, the moment I encountered a day where knowing the chart and going back could multiply my money several times over, I would definitely want to regress.
If that failed, I'd try to do it again.
...Even if such a day didn't come.
A day might come when I desire regression.
Let's be honest.
...I have already come to see Yeonju as a woman.
I also know that if I try to cross the line, she won't push me away.
Knowing that fact, facing each other in the same house every single day.
Eating together.
Drinking alcohol together.
...Even after all that, will I really be able to hold back?
"......I don't think I can."
"What?"
When Yeonju reacted to the words that slipped out of my mouth without me realizing, my heart sank.
...I don't think I can.
Even if I can keep the promise I made with Yeonju,
the promise I made with myself is something I probably won't be able to keep even if I die and come back to life.
I've already broken it dozens of times,
and even now, I want to break it.
"No. Just talking to myself, talking to myself."
"...Oppa is being really weird today."
...Yeah, fuck it.
What's the point of agonizing over it?
Let's secure the 2 billion won I made first before thinking.
It's not like I'm only living for a day or two.
After watching until next week's market and seeing how the money moves.
...It won't be too late to worry after seeing how Yeonju treats me.
In any case, whatever happens, it's better than before the regression.
Even if... I cross the line to an extreme degree.
This is infinitely better than back when I had 2.8 million won left in my bank account.
Persuading myself like that, I refilled the empty glass and took another sip of highball.
"...Oppa."
"...Yeah."
"Why do you look so troubled today?"
"...Me?"
"Yeah. ...You have the exact same expression I had when I lost half my money, you know?"
But startled by my dongsaeng's casual remark, I averted my gaze.
And it wasn't even wrong.
...Because I was in the middle of recalling that exact period.
"Just..., thinking about living together with you for a while makes things feel a bit complicated."
"What's complicated?"
"Just, well. It's complicated."
"What are you talking about when you're the one who told me to live here? ...Are you uncomfortable with me?"
"No, no. It's not that...."
When I waved my hands in denial,
Yeonju leaned her body slightly toward me, then poked my side with her index finger.
"You lived together with me in the same house for nearly 20 years, and suddenly it's uncomfortable?"
"Is when we were kids the same as now?"
"What's different?"
...It is different.
It's changed a lot.
Every time that finger poked my side, tension needlessly tightened in my body.
Readjusting my posture so she wouldn't notice, I pushed my knees deeper under the dining table.
"...Pffft."
Watching me act like that, Yeonju suddenly covered her mouth and giggled.
...And then.
"What is it?"
"No. Just.... unlike in my dream, I guess this feels more like oppa after all."
...She brought up the dream.
The story inside your dream,
which you surely think only you know about.
"...What dream."
"...Ah."
When I asked reflexively in a low voice, Yeonju's laughter also stopped in response.
Perhaps because my voice sounded serious, Yeonju rolled her eyes around, picked up a piece of meat and put it in her mouth, then avoided my gaze as she spoke.
"It's nothing."
"You just said it's different from the dream."
"Just..., you know how it is sometimes. When someone you know shows up in your dream."
"...What kind of dream was it?"
"...Oppa showed up in my dream yesterday or something. But it was kind of weird."
"How was it weird?"
"...I can't tell you that."
...As if she could never say it, Yeonju blushed slightly and shook her head awkwardly.
"It's really nothing, so don't ask...."
Needlessly clinking only the ice as she refilled her glass, Yeonju waved her hand and laughed awkwardly, pretending nothing was wrong.
...What that laugh meant,
you probably don't know that I already know.
"...What was I like in your dream for you to act like this?"
"Ah, seriously. I told you not to ask."
"What was I like?"
"It was just... you felt like a slightly different person, so it was just kind of weird."
"What was different?"
"Ah, I said I'm not telling, so why do you keep prying into every single detail?"
I licked my dry lips and swallowed another sip of alcohol.
What kind of dream it was.
And what I had done in that dream.
...Even though I already knew.
I wanted to hear it directly from her.
"I'm asking because I'm curious. Really."
"Just...."
Yeonju, avoiding my gaze, hesitated over whether to speak or not, before finally gripping her refilled highball glass in her hand.
"Should I say you didn't seem... like a loser at all? ...Compared to usual?"
"......."
"...Happy? Stop asking now."
Ending her words vaguely, she gulped down the highball.
...Didn't seem like a loser.
Was I like that?
"...."
As the alcohol went down her throat, her fair neckline moved slightly.
Watching that blankly, yesterday's event suddenly came to mind.
"...Is that why?"
"...Why what."
"You laughing suddenly yesterday while we were grocery shopping."
When I spoke as soon as she put her glass down, Yeonju's pupils froze for a moment.
She nodded her head ever so slightly without a word, trying to avoid answering verbally.
"Just how different was I in your dream? ...Was it funny enough to laugh?"
"...Yeah. So what are you going to do about it, oppa?"
Really persistently, like a loser.
When I kept asking to the very end without reading the room, Yeonju finally blurted out an answer tinged with slight annoyance.
"I'm just more comfortable with oppa being a loser, so don't ask any more."
At the sight of Yeonju speaking firmly, telling me not to needlessly make her recall it, a hollow laugh slipped out.
...You're more comfortable with me like this?
Did you really feel that way?
If that was what you thought...,
would you really have acted like that that day?
"...You like an oppa who's a loser better?"
"Ah, really. Stop saying creepy things...."
Wanting to pry into that, I acted creepy to the end, and Yeonju tried to wave her hands in shock.
"Why? You said this was more comfortable."
"Why are you acting like this all of a sudden, oppa? Are you drunk...?"
"Yeah. I think I'm a bit drunk."
"Why are you being such a lightweight? You used to handle your liquor better than me...."
"Sorry for being a lightweight oppa. ...So how was it, honestly?"
"...."
But, watching me act like a nuisance almost as if throwing a drunken fit, she hesitated.
...And after pulling her chair a little closer to me.
"...To be honest."
With our shoulders close enough to almost touch, she brought her lips to my ear.
The sweet and bitter aroma of the highball wafted over, mingled with her breath.
"In the dream, oppa was kind of..., more decent, honestly."
...Her voice lowered to almost a whisper.
"...."
As soon as she finished speaking, Yeonju pulled her body back and burst into laughter upon seeing my expression.
"Puhehe..., no, look. Yesterday, both you and I were total losers, right? Like when we were buying clothes."
Whether it was due to the alcohol.
Or because of the breath lingering by my ear.
Or because of the words I had just heard.
"But in the dream, it was a little..., well. Should I say you had some decent parts worth looking at? ...It felt like that, you know."
"...."
"...So, well. Should I say that part was better? It was kind of..., a nice feeling."
...Upon hearing that answer, something in my head snapped with a tuk.
"Ah—"
Grabbing the shoulders of Yeonju, who was under the illusion that only she knew the dream, I pulled her firmly toward me.
My dongsaeng's body was dragged into my embrace.
Not having expected it, the face that had been laughing until just a moment ago instantly froze.
Wrapping one hand around her slender shoulder, I pressed my lips tightly against Yeonju's ear.
"...What, did I do something like this in your dream?"
...No answer came back.
Only the faint sound of an inhaled breath could be heard.
This time, I slowly lowered the hand that had been wrapped around her shoulder.
Passing her forearm, placing my hand on her side.
I tightly embraced her waist.
...Yeonju's body froze solid once again.
"...Oppa?"
"Just what on earth did I do to you in your dream the day before yesterday?"
...Even after having a dream where she was subjected to such things by me.
This dongsaeng of mine, who ultimately answered each and every question just because I asked.
Lee Yeonju, I simply,
simply couldn't leave her alone.
"...When we slept the day before yesterday, you were so loud I thought I was going to die, you know."
Pretending to be nonchalant,
I whispered into her ear, mixing a lie that wasn't quite a lie.
"...."
"...Just what kind of dream did you have? Lee Yeonju."
Hearing those words.
...Inside my embrace, Yeonju's breath hitched completely.
With a look more bewildered than any expression of hers
I had ever seen in my entire life, she looked up at me.