What Else Are You Putting In?
“What’s this?”
“Eat that for breakfast.”
On the way home he insisted on stopping by the convenience store, only to come out with a yogurt. I wasn’t the type to eat dairy that often, so I made a face.
“You know I don’t eat breakfast.”
“When you’re in that body, you should.”
“…I’ve been fine without it so far.”
“Then have it for lunch or dinner, whatever.”
Song Haneul must have given up, answering halfheartedly. As long as I ate it, he didn’t seem to care. The thought of what we were going to do later already had me tense, and now the preparations kept piling up. This yogurt felt like one more step in the process, and my stomach burned with anxiety.
“Do we really have to?”
“We already decided.”
“Yeah, but still…”
He shot back so sharply I had nothing left to say. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. But if we just drifted into December like this, that would leave me just as restless. November was almost over; if December slipped by the same way, I’d miss my chance to return to school and my whole life plan would fall apart. Since we’d already agreed, I decided to get it over with quickly.
The only regret was that this time there was nothing in it for me to enjoy. A woman’s body could climax over and over, but the afterglow lingered so deeply it left you exhausted. Just thinking about what was coming already made me uncomfortable. Would I be okay?
Every time the worry deepened, my steps slowed. Song Haneul, who’d been walking ahead, spun around.
“Hurry up!”
“You’re the one who’s too fast!”
“Ugh.”
He heaved a sigh and stopped completely, then fell into step beside me.
“Going out?”
“…Yeah, I thought I’d stop by a café.”
The next day, Mom was home without any plans, watching TV. Just like the drama Song Haneul had left on before, she stared blankly at the screen. She didn’t seem all that absorbed in it; her eyes kept following me as I hovered near the front door. Something about her gaze felt suspicious, and it made me uneasy. Once suspicion takes root, it never fully disappears. Even if it’s resolved, the mind still drifts that way from time to time. So I couldn’t help worrying what meaning might be hidden in her look.
“What’s with the bag?”
I fidgeted with the strap. Ideally I should leave first, but the thought of having to take the things ahead and get ready made my insides churn. My heart pounded with the fear of being found out.
“…My laptop.”
There was no laptop. I’d just hidden it so it wouldn’t be visible when I went into the room.
“I see. Have fun.”
Café and laptop. Hearing those two words, she must have assumed I was going to work on a portfolio, because she let me go easily. Only then could I let out a breath and put on my shoes.
The moment I closed the front door and stood in the hallway, my shoulders sagged. I exhaled in long, heavy sighs, as if pouring my guts out. That feeling of aging ten years in a second really did make you feel like you wouldn’t live out your natural lifespan. If my life got shorter from this, it was all Song Haneul’s fault.
“Preparing ahead, my ass…”
I muttered and hurried out. Going alone made me reluctant, but since I planned to take a taxi it didn’t matter.
I rented a four-hour room and went in first. I’d told myself to finish quickly, but once I opened the bag I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the pace. Just looking at the contents was violently graphic.
“….”
A set with cat ears and a tail, plus a box of condoms. There was also a stick studded with beads and a large spherical plug, tossed in like a joke. I couldn’t understand why he liked such maniacal things. And then the oversized syringe meant for cleaning thoroughly. I knew how to use it, but when it came time to actually do it, I froze. Sitting alone with that thing waiting for me brought a wave of self-loathing. With a heavy heart I rubbed my dry hands together.
“Is this okay…?”
I went into the bathroom and filled the syringe with water. The idea of putting that much into my belly still didn’t feel real, and I frowned. The time we could stay here was limited, yet my fretting had no end. It still hadn’t ended by the time Song Haneul arrived.
At the heavy knocking I rushed out and opened the door. Song Haneul had lied about a drinking appointment and come late.
“Oh, you’re early.”
“Not that early. You done?”
“No, not yet…”
The moment he walked in he asked about my progress, but unfortunately all I’d managed was arriving first. His look said, I even threw the bag in ahead of time, what the hell were you doing? I avoided his eyes. I didn’t know why I had to feel guilty about this, and it made me snap.
“How am I supposed to do that myself?!”
“If you do it fast, we finish fast. Weren’t you the one who wanted to hurry up and switch back? I don’t care if we don’t.”
“You’re such a bastard. You’re the one who set all those picky conditions.”
I clicked my tongue, but Song Haneul didn’t care.
“But you’ve gotten used to it living like this, haven’t you? You seem pretty comfortable.”
“I almost died of anxiety, comfortable my ass.”
Whether I was Song Hamin or Song Haneul, I’d already seen Mom looking suspicious, so I was in a foul mood. Song Haneul hadn’t had to hear those comments, so he was far more relaxed than I expected. We should have each heard those talks separately. Since no one knew the bodies had switched, I’d ended up hearing them twice.
“Anyway, since you haven’t done it, let’s do it while we wash.”
“Ugh.”
Song Haneul casually slipped an arm around my shoulders and headed for the bathroom I’d just been in.
“Oh, so you were going to try. I was wondering where the syringe went.”
He spotted the water-filled syringe on the sink and smiled with his eyes. Seeing that expression on a man’s face somehow felt both playful and overbearing. I realized how completely different the same smile felt just from the change in gender. It made me wonder if my own smiles gave off that kind of feeling too.
“We’ve got clothes to change into, so should we take it easy? Or…”
“I’ve only got underwear, so be careful.”
“Ah, right?”
“If the outer clothes change too, it’ll look even more suspicious.”
Song Haneul seemed to find that reasonable and nodded. Then he stripped off his clothes in one go and folded them neatly to the side. In an instant he was completely naked and padded into the bathroom.
“Hurry up and get in!”
“You’re seriously fast.”
Men really were quick. It used to be my body, after all. I grumbled inwardly but soothed myself that there was no choice now. Having to undress in front of someone would normally be hard, but in front of Song Haneul I’d gotten used to it. Family never really paid attention to that sort of thing to begin with.
“…Wash, do it, then wash again?”
“Wash, do it. Wash again at home. That’s how it goes.”
It was definitely going to be exhausting. Having to wash before and after. I’d already drained my strength, and now more washing waited while I was spent.
Water poured down and my hair grew heavy as it soaked through. Song Haneul’s hands rose to my chest, kneading. The sensation was awkward yet familiar, so I just closed my eyes. Even as everything grew slippery from the water, he seemed to struggle to grab more.
Once we’d washed without incident, the sound of water faded. Song Haneul picked up the syringe from the sink.
“Get on all fours.”
“…Ah.”
Here it came. Facing it head-on, fear suddenly hit me. I spent a long moment wondering if I should call it off even now. If I kept backing out like this every time, it would be stranger if we never got caught. If I wasted this chance, Song Haneul might claim he was in a bad mood and put it off indefinitely. I doubted I could handle the backlash that would come after running away.
At the end of my wavering gaze I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned forward. My hands sank lower until they finally pressed against the bathroom tiles. Getting down on all fours like a dog was embarrassing enough. More than the position itself, it was what was about to happen. Feeling like he was staring at my ass made me flush with shame. I’d thought facing each other naked had become ordinary, but apparently not completely. I felt weak under his gaze.
“I’m putting it in. Hold still.”
“Wait, do you even know what this feels like?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Then why are you making me do it?”
“…You tell me.”
Heat rushed to my head and I buried my face against the floor. The wet tiles were cold enough that it almost cooled my thoughts. My body locked up with tension. My fists clenched tight. Even though I was surrounded by water, my throat burned dry. After holding out for a long while, something hard prodded around my entrance.
“Ugh…”
“Hey, relax.”
“Ah, uh, uuhh…!!”
Sensing it was about to go in, I clenched on instinct. The poking at the entrance made my belly tighten too. But no matter how hard I tensed, Song Haneul’s force pushing forward was stronger.
“Hiiik, ik, ah, noooooo!!”
My waist locked in a bent position. No amount of force could stop it from entering. With a firm push it breached the entrance. I knew the length wasn’t that long, yet my senses insisted it was strangely deep. It felt absurdly far inside.
“I’m putting it in.”
You already put it in, what else are you putting in? I was about to snap that when a chill filled my belly. A slow, seeping coldness from the inside brought a strange sense of fullness. My eyes went wide at the realization that I could feel something like satiety without eating anything.
“Hiiik, huuh, uh, uuh…”
Every time more was forced in, my stomach gurgled. The cold water stayed cold even inside. Being lower than body temperature, I supposed that was inevitable.
“Oh, it’s all going in.”
My belly felt ready to burst. I knew the intestines were long, but apparently not long enough for all that water. A tight, stretched sensation. My stomach didn’t swell dramatically, but there was a visible hint of it. Sweat broke out heavily, making the earlier wash pointless.
“H-how, long…”
The limit arrived immediately. Song Haneul kept the syringe in place and paused for a moment.
“Can you hold it?”
“Don’t… talk… bullshit.”
“Ah, okay.”
At least when I said it was the limit, he let go right away. If he hadn’t, I really don’t know what would have happened to me.
“Hah, haah…”
Doing your business in front of someone is mortifying, but since it was just water coming out it was a little less so. Song Haneul’s gaze watching it intently still felt a bit hot.
“Let’s do it one more time.”
“Hell no.”
I refused between ragged breaths. But the syringe was already filled with water again. Apparently my refusal meant nothing.
“Just once more and we’ll check. Twice should get it clean. Should I put some body wash in this?”
“You washing tripe? You crazy bastard.”
I’d never heard of washing out your insides like that.