The World Is Against Me
Watching Song Haneul keep stalling and dodging the answer was driving me up the wall.
Even though he knew full well I wanted to switch bodies as fast as possible just to make things a little more bearable, he was deliberately dragging it out to get what he wanted, and that alone made something hot and ugly rise in my chest.
It meant Song Haneul wasn’t uncomfortable right now.
That was why he could act so completely unbothered.
Everything I’d done in desperation to force the switch started to feel ridiculous.
I’d even stripped and pulled him into a hug, and even that hadn’t been enough.
Was simply doing it not enough?
“…So are you going to do it or not.”
“Depends on your answer.”
“If you say the two of us are living together in a studio apartment in a situation like this, they’ll definitely get suspicious, right?”
I wiggled my finger at him, telling him to think carefully.
Song Haneul’s eyes followed the finger, then he let out a long breath.
“Is that so?”
“Of course.”
“But then…”
He stopped talking and just sat there.
I had no idea what he was about to say, so I only blinked.
At this rate we were just spinning in place, and I felt like I needed a different approach.
“Ah, then is there something else you want? I’ll do that instead.”
He stopped pondering and his gaze came back to me.
The way he stared felt subtly menacing, and my body flinched.
Lately I couldn’t read this guy at all.
If I’d known what he actually wanted out of all this, I never would have had to suffer so much.
Whether he just enjoyed having sex in a male body or something else entirely.
Maybe because his libido had settled down, he’d become an even more annoying opponent.
When his lust was overflowing it was a hassle, but at least what he wanted was clear and that made it easier in its own way.
Even when I offered sex, the way he held back a little to extract something else made the corner of my mouth twist.
“Hmm, do it with your mouth.”
“…Huh?”
The answer came back faster than I expected.
I’d thought today would drag on forever and we’d end up not doing anything and not switching either.
The problem was that even after hearing what he wanted, it was hard to process, so I just kept blinking my eyes open and shut.
“Why? You said you’d do that instead. I won’t go to the studio apartment, so do it with your mouth.”
The blunt way he said it made it look like his mood had soured.
Whether he was mad that I didn’t want to go together or what. We hadn’t even been that kind of relationship to begin with.
“No, I mean… it’s sudden, I guess…”
My lips twitched from the shock.
The flustered feeling showed all over my body.
I fidgeted with my clasped hands, but Song Haneul stayed completely calm.
“What’s sudden about it? We’ve done it before.”
“That’s over the line… It’s my body in the end, so how is bowing my head and sucking my own dick any different.”
Just imagining it was a bizarre sight.
It was also something that made no sense.
“If you don’t want to, forget it. What the hell even works…”
His expression was turning indifferent.
His eyes seemed to cloud over as he lost interest.
I started to wonder if we’d end up in a full-blown fight and still not be able to switch.
But the idea of me sucking dick made even less sense.
Getting fucked was one thing, but in the end my original was male, so even if it was my body, putting that in my mouth was just horrifying.
“Isn’t there something else?”
Yeah, we didn’t have to choose between just those two.
“I haven’t really thought of anything… Ah, the ass?”
“The ass…?”
This bastard—was he trying to roughly copy everything he’d seen in porn?
A reasonable suspicion bloomed.
I couldn’t help but suspect it, because the idea of asking for a blowjob had clearly come from there too.
The ones we’d watched before seemed to include that kind of thing.
Just how wide was his defensive range?
“It’s your body, but is it okay to handle it so roughly? You know, they say if you mess up it can stretch and not close.”
“Ah, that.”
He paused for a moment, then shrugged.
“As long as you don’t put anything big in, right?”
Pretty optimistic thinking.
Maybe so, maybe not. I didn’t know the details that far.
I couldn’t even come up with a proper rebuttal, so I just frowned.
I raised a finger but it quickly curled.
I clenched my fist tight and swallowed a groan.
“That’s over the line.”
“Ah, what the hell works then. Ah. I’m not doing it, I’m not. Me.”
Now he really seemed offended, and he shot up from his seat.
But they were all ambiguous things, so what was I supposed to do.
He’d come into the studio apartment, or do it with mouth or ass.
I’d clearly tried to increase the options, but it felt meaningless.
“Hey, come on.”
“Don’t even dream about it.”
“No, it’s really too much.”
“Then what works? You’re just going to treat me casually and be done with it, aren’t you?”
“Isn’t that normal? Even just switching bodies, you said we have to fuck for it.”
Not wanting to lose in momentum, I twisted my face and raised my voice.
He strode over and poked my chest, and the gaze looking down at me with his head lowered was heavy.
It felt like my shoulders were being crushed, and sweat beaded up.
“It’s not like I can’t handle it anymore.”
With those words as his last, Song Haneul brushed my hand away.
The negotiation had broken down.
I hadn’t accepted the proposal, and no other proposals came in, so it was the natural result.
Honestly I didn’t understand why we were negotiating further when I was offering to take my own body back.
“This is driving me crazy.”
All I could do was clutch my head as I watched Song Haneul’s back disappear into the room.
Is this really okay as is?
To the countless questions I threw at myself, the only answer that came back was Then what can I even do?
That made me realize just how hopeless the current situation was.
Even hugging him while he was inside me hadn’t solved it, so I tried aiming for it again, but Song Haneul wouldn’t even properly allow that, and that attitude of his was hateful too.
Not being able to game, not being able to go out drinking—that was all fine.
The anxious part was that returning to school was coming up soon, and even that was approaching in an instant.
If I wanted to take it easy, there were still two months left, but Song Haneul already knew that too.
I was worried that at this rate, while claiming to live alone as “Song Hamin,” he might just take off by himself.
The problem was that even if he acted that recklessly, I couldn’t stop him in front of Mom and Dad.
I wanted to think, Come on, he wouldn’t go that far, right? But the other party was Song Haneul.
Looking at the countless things Song Haneul had done, I had to worry a little. After all, it had started with him sneaking in at night and jumping me. Thinking about that, the possibility of him acting without looking back wasn’t zero.
My insides were burning up.
Was this really something I had to bow my head for…?
“This really doesn’t seem right…”
Even as all sorts of thoughts came to me, I shook my head like I’d hit a speed bump.
In the first place, there was no way I could go that far, so I hesitated.
I’d somehow gotten used to mixing bodies, but I hesitated at anything beyond that.
In the end I gave up on reaching out.
For now, with the thought of just letting time pass.
No matter what, Song Haneul would also reach a moment that was hard to endure, I thought.
Just like that, a whole week flew by.
I kept watching for any sign that he might actually not say anything, but there was no such indication.
Unlike the threat Song Haneul had made, it seemed he still hadn’t said anything to Mom, but as long as this situation continued, I couldn’t feel at ease.
This silence could be seen as fortunate that Mom wasn’t getting suspicious, but for me, this situation where we couldn’t find any compromise was just frustrating.
He should at least make some proposal so I could accept or refuse, but other than that, it was like he was saying he wouldn’t accept anything, not even opening his mouth.
Since Mom didn’t go out every day, that timing was naturally being delayed.
I even worried that a whole month might fly by like this.
A month passes quickly—is this really okay…?
“Haneul.”
“Yes?”
Around the time I took a drink out of the fridge, Mom sitting on the living room sofa called me.
I slowly approached, gripping the cold plastic bottle.
In this quiet week where nothing happened, Mom’s suspicions seemed to have eased a bit, and she was smiling.
It was a completely different atmosphere from when she’d had that suspicious look and subtle vibe.
Just that alone I thought was fortunate.
The problem was how nice it would have been if this period had happened with our bodies back to normal.
Even knowing that difficulty, he was deliberately doing this.
Or could it be that he was trying to avoid the frequent career counseling or talks about the future while Mom was home?
If he wanted me to handle his future counseling instead, that would really piss me off.
The problem was that I was already doing it.
“Mom looked into it, and apparently at broadcasting stations there are drama writers and variety show writers and such? Not all writers are the same, it seems. What kind of writer does Haneul want to be?”
“…A drama scenario writer.”
Since I’d at least seen what this guy was trying to write before, I could answer.
The problem was that I only knew a tiny bit more than Mom, so if we had a deep conversation my lack of knowledge could be exposed.
“Really? Then can you tell me what you’re writing?”
“It’s still unfinished, so no.”
“Is that so? That’s a shame…”
Of course, deep conversations wouldn’t happen between people who didn’t know much.
Even so, the way she was trying to talk with interest made my heart complicated for no reason.
Whether she was bothered by old things, it also felt like she was cramming in the things she couldn’t do before now.
It also meant she’d gotten some free time lately.
But at this point, that wasn’t needed.
It might not even mean anything. Since the direction was already set on its own.
Still, if it was a parent’s heart wanting to do something, it was hard to refuse.
I didn’t know why the world was treating me so badly.
Song Haneul too, and Mom too.
I just wanted to live comfortably like before.
“I’ll handle it myself.”
“I know. You’ve grown up well, so I believe you’ll handle it. Yeah.”
Mom said that and then continued talking.
I wanted to leave the house quickly.