It’s Okay If I Appear on OnTube

I think it’s okay if I appear on OnTube.

Confidence. What exactly is confidence? When I searched it online, it said the word is a shortened form of “the feeling of having faith in oneself.” So what does “faith in oneself” mean? Searching again, it said, “A firm belief that one can accomplish something or that things will definitely turn out a certain way. Or that very belief.”

…Of course I know. I know perfectly well that I’m not normal. I know how stupid it is that I can’t even look people in the eye… no. That I won’t look people in the eye. So if I already know that, why can’t I fix it? What exactly am I so afraid of?

Obviously, compared to right after I returned to Earth, my circle of human connections has grown enormously. Starting with Bora, then Tyuni, the members of Sirius, and even Harum, whom I only just met this time.

…But in the end, all that expanded was the number of relationships. Whether I could actually maintain those connections was a completely different question.

“…Huh?”

Harum had called me an amazing person. So honestly, I had wanted to ask her right then— if she really thought that about me, why had she suddenly looked away the first time she saw me? What on earth was the reason behind that reaction?

“…kay?”

I want to stand tall too, of course. But those looks you all give me… they make me shrink back endlessly.

“Are you okay, Lene unnie…?”

“Ah… S-sorry.”

“Does it hurt…?”

The one who pulled me out of the endless spiral of negative emotions was Bora. She was staring at me with worried eyes.

…Right. There was one person who didn’t look at me that way.

“I-I’m not hurt…. I was just thinking for a moment…. Sorry for making you worry….”

“Yeah! You can’t make me worry next time, okay?”

“Yes….”

At my answer, Bora broke into a huge smile.

…That smile was far too bright for someone like me.

“Bora… why do you like me so much…?”

“Huh? Because Lene unnie bought me chicken…?”

So that really was the reason. Well, I suppose liking someone doesn’t need some grand justification.

As I gave a bitter smile at that thought, Bora let out a little “Hmm…” before continuing.

“Plus I like that you’re pretty, and that you’re kind, and gentle, and… and cool!”

“…Am I… cool?”

“Yeah!”

Even if Harum said so, I still wondered what part of me Bora was looking at when she said that.

“What… ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠part?”

“When I was crying, you stayed with me!”

I don’t really know what “mature” means, but I think it was a compliment.

After that, I went home from school. That evening, Mom came home and said,

So I nodded and answered,

“Okay. It’s fine, Mom.”

Mom and Dad are incredibly amazing people. Dad catches bad guys, and Mom helps people ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠in need. Everyone praises them for how great they are. But because of that work, we have to move often, and saying goodbye to friends is always a little sad.

Still, I couldn’t throw a tantrum. That would only make things harder for Mom and Dad.

“But this will probably be the last move…”

“Yeah.”

After we moved, I got lost. No matter where I looked, all I saw were buildings I didn’t recognize. It scared me so much that tears started falling.

“Hic…”

What if I can never find my way home? Mom, Dad… I miss you.

“Hic… Hnng…”

“U-um… excuse me…”

“Hic…?”

And then, in front of me—

“Is something wrong…?”

“Who… are you…?”

“Ah, well… I live around here…?”

A pretty unnie appeared. Her hair and eye color were ones I had never seen before—like a fairy straight out of a storybook. And that pretty unnie, with a strange, awkward smile, said,

“I just… wanted to help if something was wrong…”

“I don’t… know the way… Hic.”

The unnie was scared. She was trembling even more than I was, even though I was the one who had gotten lost and was crying.

“Where are your parents…?”

“They went to work…. We just moved in the day before yesterday, and I was looking around the neighborhood and… got lost…”

“Hmm… Do you know your home address or your parents’ phone numbers?”

But even so, the unnie stayed right in front of me. Even while shaking like a leaf, she comforted me and helped me calm down.

“Why are you shaking so much, unnie?”

“Ah, um, it’s because it’s winter and cold…”

“It’s not even that cold today! That’s weird!”

“Haha…”

And that Lene unnie… looked really cool to me.

“You like Lene unnie that much?”

“Yeah! She’s super cool!”

It wasn’t true. Bora didn’t just like me because I bought her chicken.

To me, it had just been unavoidable kindness. I had only moved because I was the only person around her at the time.

Bora had thought that version of me was cool.

Back in the other world, when I lived in the monastery, the children used to bully me because I looked different from them. Especially that kid Bell—he would pick on me whenever he was bored. It was exhausting. If I didn’t react, he’d bully me for not reacting. If I did react, he’d bully me for reacting.

The people from the church didn’t bully me, at least. But they still found my appearance alien, so they always treated me with strict formality. A few of the older priests, including the Pope, were a little kinder, but they were always so busy that we rarely had time to talk.

And the heretics called me a monster. Without reflecting on their own sins, they would always denounce and curse me, calling me a monster.

The only one who ever affirmed me was Iia.

After days and days of that repeating, I naturally ended up hiding in my room, avoiding conversation with people. Before I knew it, I had become a full-blown hikikomori who couldn’t even make eye contact.

I hated my appearance that was different from everyone else’s. I hated my personality that made it impossible to look others in the eye.

But there were people who affirmed even someone like me.

There were people who said even someone like me was cool. It was such a small thing. But that small thing was enough.

“Haa…”

I ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠had always wanted to change this personality. The reason I never tried was the same fear—if I changed but people’s gazes stayed the same, what then?

But now it’s okay. I’m not scared anymore. Because there are people who affirm even someone like me.

So… I want to walk proudly beside those people.

“Huu…”

It’s scary. Of course it’s scary. Those gazes and those condemning words aren’t something I can get used to easily. Even so, I want to move forward now.