Midterms (1)
Kim Naeun looked like she'd had a satisfying workout, her mood bright as she waved us off.
"Yeonhee, Juyeong — see you tomorrow~"
In stark contrast stood Kang Hanbyeol, looking so thoroughly wrecked you didn't even need to ask how hard he'd been put through the wringer. He didn't have the energy left to speak. All he managed was a limp little wave of his hand.
"See you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow, Naeun~"
Yeonhee and I returned the goodbyes, then split off in pairs toward our respective homes, since we lived in different directions.
I walked quietly along the sidewalk, following a few steps behind Yeonhee. I couldn't just let what had happened earlier slide — I'd been too much of a jerk for that — so I spoke up first.
"Hey... sorry about earlier."
She'd gone silent ever since we'd parted ways with the others. It had to be because of what I'd said. Even in hindsight, it had been a careless thing to say. Not the kind of thing you said to a girl.
"Oh, that... I don't really mind, so it's fine."
My apology felt almost wasted. She didn't sound angry in the least.
"That's a relief, then."
"You know I'm not that kind of person, right?"
"...Yeah, I know."
"Or did you actually think I go around saying stuff like that to just anyone?"
"No..."
I'd known that, and I'd still gone and said something so tone-deaf. But if that was the case... did that mean I was the exception? That I was okay?
The curiosity slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"So that means I'm okay, then?"
The moment I voiced the question that had been sitting in my head, I saw her shoulders twitch up ahead. I stared at her, suspicious of the reaction, and she hurriedly changed the subject.
"O-oh, that reminds me — midterms are coming up. How's studying going, Juyeong?"
Anyone could tell she was trying to dodge. But I couldn't just let it go, because of all things, she'd landed on a topic that was painfully, inescapably real.
I wasn't exactly in a position to talk, so I couldn't answer. I looked away.
"Juyeong... aren't you a little too uninterested in studying?"
"How are you planning to get into college? Wouldn't it be better to start looking after your grades now?"
She was absolutely right, of course.
"...I'll figure something out."
It was a pretty slapdash way of looking at things, sure — but it wasn't like I'd given up on studying because I wanted to. There'd been a time when I'd worked hard, thinking I needed good grades to land a decent job. Then the test results came back, and they were so devastating that I just... let go of the whole thing after that.
Here I was: a teenager at a critical age, someone who'd have to make it on his own from here on out, doing this.
Not like I can do anything about something that just doesn't work.
Studying was supposed to pay off the more you did it. Whether I was just stupid or simply not cut out for it, my scores never went up no matter how much I studied. It wasn't test anxiety. It wasn't some physical problem keeping me from solving the questions. The results just always came out that way.
And the worse part was, once I'd let go and tried to pick it back up, there were too many gaps in what I knew — and nobody around to fill them in.
It's half the environment's fault, too.
I'd always told myself I could do it if I really tried, and I'd lived my whole life on that kind of self-justification.
"There's not even a month left until midterms. What are you going to do...?"
"...Yeah, what am I going to do?"
My answer must have sounded that pathetic, because Yeonhee pressed a hand to her forehead and let out a sigh.
"Haa..."
Plenty of kids didn't study. Was it really sigh-worthy...?
"I used to say it as a joke, but you're really starting to take after Hanbyeol."
Kang Hanbyeol and I both didn't study, so from Yeonhee and Kim Naeun's perspective, we probably looked the same. I had to concede the point this time.
I'd been trailing behind her in silence, lost in my own thoughts, when I caught her muttering something under her breath up ahead.
"And we have to work hard if we want to go together..."
"What did you just say?"
"Hm? Nothing."
I tilted my head, and Yeonhee asked another question.
"Then do you at least have a college in mind?"
College... When I was little, I'd figured a famous school would mean better job prospects, so I'd thoughtlessly aimed for the well-known universities. Growing up had a way of teaching you reality on its own. The real world was far too harsh a place to live on dreams alone.
"I don't know. With my grades, I don't think I could get in anywhere, so I've been thinking about skipping college admissions altogether and just learning a trade."
There was also the problem of whether I could even handle college life properly — by senior year I'd lose another friend and be on my own all over again.
I answered her honestly, and Yeonhee suddenly shrieked.
"You can't do that!"
Whoa. She scared me.
"What's with the sudden outburst...?"
"Ah, no, I mean — well — there are junior colleges these days, and even if you're learning a trade, it's good to have a diploma, right?"
Fair enough. There were workplaces that looked at college even for skilled trades, and a degree came in handy more often than you'd think. Having one couldn't hurt.
"Now that you mention it, yeah."
"Right? So you'll have to start studying hard from now on, then?"
"I don't know if that's even possible at this point."
"It is possible! I'll help you!"
Why did she look so happy about that? Helping me would be great for me, sure — but was that really okay?
"Are you sure that's all right?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"You have to study too, you know."
Even if my grades were already shot, Yeonhee was a model student — everyone knew it. If she tanked her own scores trying to help me, I'd feel guilty no matter how much mine improved. That was the last thing I wanted.
"You barely have enough time for your own studying. Are you sure you want to spend it on me?"
"If that's what you're worried about, it's fine. Teaching you is a review for me too — two birds with one stone. Besides, I'm not going to drop just because I'm tutoring you."
Well. Nobody knows themselves better than they do. If she thought she could handle it, all I had to do was accept the kindness.
"In that case... I'll be in your care."
"Okay!"
Yeonhee answered with a bright, sunny expression. And just like that, studying was suddenly on the agenda.
But even if we were going to do it, we needed a place.
"So, studying's fine, but where are we going to do it?"
"Hmm... the library would be best, don't you think?"
"You mean the school library?"
"No. Ours closes too early, so that won't work. There's a library I've been going to for a long time — I'll send you the location once I get home."
"Got it."
I'd been worried she hadn't thought it through, but luckily, this time she actually had a plan.
I got home, showered, and came out to find a notification on my phone.
The library location she mentioned?
I opened the chat and checked. A pin was dropped on the map, with the address and the library's name displayed.
Thankfully, it's not that far.
If it had been too far, I would've gone along with it anyway, but honestly I would've been annoyed enough to suggest we just do it at my place or a nearby cafe. I checked the location on the map once more, then went back to the chat and sent a message.
The reply came back within seconds of me hitting send. Starting tomorrow felt a little soon, but then I remembered there wasn't even a month left until midterms. For someone like me, who'd skipped all the middle steps, I had to rebuild from the ground up. Every minute, every second counted.
I went into my room, sat down at my desk, and pulled a random textbook out of my bag to try reading it.
...This is bad.
None of it was going in. It felt like every other word had been blacked out. Things I vaguely remembered from studying years ago were mixed in with things I didn't know at all, which was probably why.
I'd agreed to study on Yeonhee's sudden suggestion, but cracking open a book made the severity of the situation hit home. And as I flipped through the pages, something occurred to me.
What's the exam range again?
I didn't know the exam range. So I quickly pulled out my phone and sent a text. If you don't know something, you just ask, right?
She read it almost immediately, but no reply came for a long while. When the answer finally arrived, it was a sentence that seemed to reject reality itself. Unfortunately, I was not kidding.
That question mark was the last thing she sent. No more messages came after that.
And the next morning.
I rode the elevator down, and when the doors opened, there was Yeonhee, an expression of sheer disbelief written all over her face.
"What's with the look?"
"...Are you seriously asking because you don't know?"
Had I done something this morning to put that look on her face?
"How does a student not know the exam range...?"
Ah. It was about yesterday.
Not that I was proud of it, but I hadn't expected things to turn out this way, so it wasn't like I'd been listening when the teacher was talking up at the front. That said, telling her that exactly as I'd thought it would make her kindness feel wasted, so I needed to run it through a filter.
"Studying came up pretty suddenly, so..."
That wasn't a little filter. That might have been a lot of filter.
"You know that's a ridiculous excuse, right?"
"...Yeah, I figured."
Caught red-handed, apparently.
"Haa... But you said you'd study, so I can't even get mad at you for it."
If I kept standing there listening, I was only going to shrink further into myself, so I swallowed my embarrassment, grabbed her hand, and headed for school.
"Come on, let's go before we're late."
Strangely enough, Yeonhee followed along without a fuss as I led her toward school.
"Today it's the other way around...?"
That was what Kim Naeun said when we walked into the classroom. Normally, Yeonhee would lead and I'd trail in behind her. Today, it looked like I was the one holding her hand and pulling her in.
I let go of her hand quickly and greeted everyone like nothing had happened.
"Hey."
"Uh... hey, Juyeong?"
I made a beeline for my seat. Behind me, I could see Kim Naeun approaching Yeonhee and saying something. I sat down, and Kang Hanbyeol, who sat in front of me, turned around.
"Hey. You coming today too?"
I didn't need to ask what he meant. He was talking about the gym. Kang Hanbyeol was grinning, looking thoroughly excited. Unfortunately for him, I already had plans.
"Nah. I don't think I can make it for a while."
"What? You're already giving up?"
We'd barely started, so saying I couldn't come probably looked like I'd quit.
"It's not that. Midterms are coming up, so I decided to study."
"You? Study? Just come to the gym."
"I already made a promise."
"With who?"
I pointed in Yeonhee's direction. He followed my finger, his brow furrowing, and then his whole face crumpled.
"You flexing bastard."
Hey — you're the one who asked.