Chapter 626: Felicia's Feelings
Chapter 626: Felicia's Feelings
That was why she had refused to let Guwon hold her then.
Because she was hurt.
And to be hurt by his attitude meant that she… Guwon…
Ugh. But if that’s really true….
Felicia desperately tried to deny the reality before her, but that didn't make the emotions she was feeling disappear.
No. Thinking back on the feelings she’d had since then, the true nature of her emotions only became clearer.
For example, when Guwon kept trying to be with her even after she had refused.
Of course, it was true she'd been hurt by his attitude that it was purely out of necessity.
But even knowing that, it was also true that a part of her had been secretly happy to see him trying so hard to be with her.
Whether his actions stemmed from a sense of responsibility to keep his promise, or from a selfish desire to prevent the same troublesome situation from happening again, she didn't know. But it was still a fact that he was trying to be with her to help her.
And later, he even said that he just wanted to hold her…
Of course, she knew he didn't mean it. She knew, but she couldn't help the overwhelming feeling that swelled in a corner of her heart.
Separate from that, however, she was still hurt by his true intentions, so she continued to refuse him.
Looking back now, maybe there was also a small part of her that wanted to see him beg to be with her just a little longer.
In any case, her attitude eventually exhausted Guwon's patience, leading him, who had no intention of backing down, to take such actions.
And how I felt then….
It was a feeling so complex it was impossible to describe in a single word.
She was definitely hurt and didn't want to be with him today, yet at the same time, a part of me was happy to be held by him.
She had wanted to properly refuse him, just this once, to show him that she wasn't the kind of woman he thought she was, one who only ever had sex on her mind. But she resented her own body for reacting so sensitively to his touch and getting aroused even then.
And she should have hated Guwon for ignoring her wishes and forcing himself on her—it would have been normal to keep hating him—but seeing how gently he treated her after penetration, that hatred melted away like snow.
No. Far from hating him, she was actually overcome with happiness.
Guwon had held her in the exact same way he had held Silvia just moments before.
Before penetration, though his tone was different, he made her spread her legs just as he had with Silvia, and even made her open her most intimate place herself to expose it.
And what about after penetration?
As if to say his harsh words until then had been a necessary evil for her sake, his attitude did a complete 180, and he smiled gently at her.
Of course, right after that, he played with my heart, saying things that made my spirits plummet only to lift them up again, but even that made me happy.
And why wouldn't it? He had done what she had been wanting to do all along.
Sex between people who are truly in love.
Of course, she knew Guwon wasn't sincere.
When he kissed her neck and earlobes so passionately but wouldn't even kiss her on the cheek, let alone the lips, she felt a sense of as expected.
When he grabbed her breasts instead of holding her hands like he did with Silvia, she even felt sad, thinking that with her, pleasure was still the priority.
And this was me of all people.
I, who had always thought that without pleasure, sex was just a tedious chore to manage the troublesome libido unique to the royal family.
That was why I had pursued pleasure in sex so relentlessly.
For someone like me to seek something other than pleasure from sex…
…It must be. I really… that man… Guwon….
The more she thought about it, the more she realized there was no other conclusion.
Yes. In truth, even without looking back like this, it was a fact she had already acknowledged in a corner of her heart.
If that weren't the case, why would she have stopped Silvia just now to ask her that question?
“Silvia. Let me ask you one thing. Did you… The reason you let that man hold you right in front of my eyes, was it for the reason I'm thinking of?”
She'd phrased it indirectly because asking directly felt embarrassing for some reason, but they were the best of friends, inseparable since birth.
Surely, even with just that, Silvia would have understood what she was trying to say.
“…Y-yes…”
And her best friend, whose expressions had grown more and more varied since meeting that man, nodded firmly, a slightly embarrassed look on her face.
Just as I thought.
Hearing Silvia's answer, I had a feeling that was the case.
It made sense. It was strange, after all. No matter how you looked at it, for Silvia to suddenly decide to show me them having sex in that situation.
In other words, her best friend had realized her own feelings even before she had.
That she had fallen in love.
And for her dense friend who hadn't noticed her own feelings, she had deliberately shown her them having sex.
To make me realize my feelings for myself.
Just like a knight, her methods are a bit extreme. She could have just told me with words.
It wasn't that the thought didn't cross her mind, but she had no intention of blaming Silvia.
No. In fact, she was grateful.
From the sounds of it, Silvia herself was probably in a position where she had to be mindful of Guwon's three "main wives."
For her to act that way for her friend meant she was prepared to be hated by those three main wives when they found out the truth.
She had braced herself for a lifetime of trouble to stay by Guwon's side.
How could she possibly blame a friend like that?
And she knew it herself. If Silvia had told her about her feelings with words, I would have never accepted it.
Just as she knew Silvia well, Silvia knew her well, which must be why she chose such a method.
Indeed, even while experiencing these feelings, wasn't there still a part of her trying to deny her heart's feelings for Guwon?
Well, after dwelling on her feelings this much, she now understood them so clearly that she couldn't look away even if she wanted to.
Aah! Fine! It's love! I love him! I've fallen in love!
But still. It can't be helped. Of course I'd want to deny it.
I thought I'd never experience a feeling like this in my entire life.
She was a princess. The next queen.
She had the highest status in the country after her mother and had grown up enjoying the immense privileges that came with it.
But with privilege comes responsibility.
She would never get to experience love and would have to marry whomever her mother chose for the greatest political gain, regardless of her own will.
Felicia knew this better than anyone.
That was why, even when told to take a man who was ugly and bad in bed as her husband simply because he was the Hero, Felicia hadn't resisted much.
Of course, she was human, so it wasn't that she'd never felt the injustice of her reality.
Her openly promiscuous relationships with men might have been an act of rebellion against that reality.
Even if the royal family needed to constantly satisfy their libido, there was no need to be so openly promiscuous.
Especially considering Felicia's sharp mind, it would have been entirely possible for her to cleverly and secretly manage her desires by coaxing men.
But was there any need to bother?
A marriage for love was impossible anyway. So even if rumors of her promiscuity spread, she didn't care.
Her future husband, whoever he might be, would never reject her because of such rumors.
After all, every man she had been with until now had been desperate to make her heart his.
Even without using her charm ability, controlling men's hearts was as easy as breathing for Felicia.
Except for one man. Guwon.
Anyway, a mix of slight rebellion and a sense of resignation that it didn't matter what happened had led Felicia to pursue a life of open promiscuity and pleasure until now.
But for her, who had lived such a life, to fall in love now…
If I had known this would happen, I wouldn't have lived that way.
No. At the very least, if only my meeting with Guwon hadn't happened like that….
In the end, her thoughts circled back to the same conclusion.
How am I supposed to face Guwon now?
Looking back on her past and realizing she loved Guwon, Felicia's face began to burn with a fresh wave of shame.
If Guwon were to appear before her right now, she was sure she could die on the spot.
Aah! Seriously! This is why I didn't want to admit it!
Me, in love! This doesn't fit my character at all!
Besides the shame, there were also practical problems.
The issue of her status making a love match impossible… honestly, wasn't a big problem in this situation.
Her partner was the Goddess's messenger. A real one, acknowledged by the Pope himself.
Furthermore, the people by his side were an impressive lineup.
If she were to take him as a husband, there could be no better match.
It was to the point that when she had reported to her mother about the video distribution and libido issues and mentioned Guwon, her mother had subtly asked what she thought about having his child.
But all these assumptions were based on the premise that she would become Guwon's official wife.
No matter if he was the Goddess's messenger, she was the next queen.
Becoming a concubine like Silvia or Cardinal Matilda was out of the question.
No. Actually, taking Silvia or Cardinal Matilda as concubines was already an absurd notion in itself.
In any case, if she were to become Guwon's woman, there was no other way than to be his official wife.
The biggest problem was that, judging by Guwon's current attitude, he wouldn't even accept her as a concubine, let alone his official wife.
If she confessed her love now, she would surely be rejected by Guwon, and that would be the end of it.
She understood why. She knew all too well how she must appear in his eyes.
Besides, from the way he spoke, Guwon seemed to come from a world far less sexually open than this one.
Honestly, she didn't even want to know in detail what someone like him truly thought of her.
And it wasn't as if she had any way to change his mind.
Right now, she couldn't think of a single way to win his heart.
Of course, she might be able to do something if she used her charm ability… but she had no desire whatsoever to become his woman that way. It was obvious how things would end if she did.
But then, what on earth can I do…?
For the first time in her life, Felicia had no confidence in her ability to seduce a man.
“Aaaah! Seriously! How did I end up like this…?!”
She clutched her head, running her fingers frantically through her silky pink-blonde hair, but it did nothing to relieve her suffocating frustration.
When her mind was this cluttered, the best thing was to think of nothing and simply lose herself in a man's arms, seeking only pleasure… but now that she'd realized her love for Guwon, she had no desire to be held by any other man.
Even though Guwon had told her that since she wasn't his woman, she was free to be with other men if she felt the urge.
Even if Guwon would never acknowledge it, she had no intention of being with another man now.
Of course, that wouldn't erase her promiscuous past, but this was a matter of her own feelings.
But if sex is impossible, how on earth am I supposed to relieve this frustration…?
…It's not a hobby of mine, but you make do with what you've got. If a man is out of the question, should I call a female attendant to service me?
Guwon didn't seem to care about that sort of thing… No. No. That's going too far.
If I did that, it would only fuel the rumors that I'm even more promiscuous.
I can't let the rumors get any worse.
But then what am I supposed to do with this suffocating feeling?
Aaaah! Seriously! Why did I have to go and fall in love?!