Chapter 625: Felicia's Feelings
Chapter 625: Felicia's Feelings
“Haaah…”
After the door closed and she confirmed Silvia’s back was out of sight, Felicia flopped onto her bed and stared at the ceiling.
Her head felt heavy for some reason.
It was a tangled mess, her mind unable to sort through a problem she couldn't easily solve on her own.
For Felicia, who had been naturally brilliant since childhood and had handled most things simply and without much thought, it was an unfamiliar sensation.
“Haaah…”
Letting out what must have been her umpteenth sigh, Felicia carefully mulled over the conversation she’d just had with Silvia.
‘I’m in love with Guwon.’ That’s what she said…
The very words she had avoided saying out loud in her conversation with Silvia just moments ago, choosing to speak around them.
The words she couldn't bring herself to say directly, even to Silvia, with whom she thought she had shared everything without secrets since they were children—only now, alone in her room, could Felicia finally bring them to her lips.
“Uuuuugh!”
Of course, the moment she realized the meaning of her own words, she grabbed her head and kicked her legs wildly on the bed.
Even this kind of behavior was a completely new experience for Felicia.
She was a princess, after all. She had been trained in etiquette to the point that it was ingrained in her very being, to maintain an elegance befitting her station at all times, in any situation.
Though Guwon seemed to think of her as nothing more than a woman who only engaged in vulgar acts.
Of course, given how they first met, it was understandable that he would think that.
If I had known it would come to this, I wouldn't have let our first meeting happen that way.
Besides, Guwon is the Goddess's emissary; if he was active in this city, he would have surely had a chance to meet me naturally anyw—Hah! W-what am I thinking!
‘If I had known it would come to this?’ I haven't even admitted that I love him yet!
No. It's not a matter of admitting it or not. I can't admit it.
Our relationship is nothing more than sleeping together out of necessity, isn't it?
He's no different from the countless men I've held to soothe the unique libido of the royal family!
Normally, the very fact that I'm still thinking about him after he's left is absurd!
Felicia shook her head violently, still clutching it with both hands, and repeated this to herself, but it did nothing to banish the thoughts of Guwon from her mind.
Aaargh! Really! This is all because Silvia said those strange things!
Lying on the bed and clutching her head, Felicia began to needlessly blame her absent best friend.
But this was Felicia, a woman so intelligent that even the great Diana had acknowledged her brilliance since childhood. There was no way she wouldn't realize she was blaming an innocent person.
After all, Felicia herself had been the one to call Silvia over.
And the reason she had stopped Silvia to ask that question was surely because she'd had her own suspicions deep down.
Though, truth be told, Felicia didn't really want to admit it.
But she couldn't just keep this unsettling feeling locked in her heart forever.
Felicia let go of her head, tossing her hands carelessly onto the bed, and decided to once again reflect on the emotions she had just felt as she stared at the ceiling.
The first time she'd tasted this unfamiliar emotion from Guwon… it wasn't today, but a long time ago.
Yes. It was the last time Guwon visited.
Back then, Guwon had been affected by the aura I was emitting, unable to relieve my surging lust, and his attitude toward me was clearly different from usual.
That gaze, as if he were looking at the most precious person in the world. That voice. That expression. As if he would do anything for me.
Yes. I'll admit it. Back then, it was honestly so thrilling it sent shivers down my spine.
My mind grew hazy, as if I were on drugs, and even though Guwon was finally giving pleasure to my lust-starved body, I definitely felt something separate from sexual pleasure.
To be honest, when Guwon leaned in to kiss me, I wanted to just accept it without a second thought.
Even though I'd never been kissed before.
Still, thinking that kissing a Guwon who wasn't in his right mind might make things awkward between them and affect their future relationship, Felicia summoned every ounce of her reason and barely managed to cover his mouth.
…And well, to be honest, there was also a slight, un-Felicia-like feeling that I didn't want my first kiss to be like that, with a Guwon who wasn't even himself… Ah, anyway!
Perhaps that sensation was the happiness people talk about feeling when their love is fulfilled.
Even as she thought this, Felicia still had no intention of admitting she was in love with Guwon.
No. She didn't want to admit it.
It made sense. If I were to admit that, then I would be….
In any case, it's not set in stone that the thrilling, hazy sensation was because of love.
There's every possibility that I felt that way due to some other emotion.
Just as Guwon pointed out, I'm a hedonist.
Besides, I get excited by domineering commands; I'm a sucker for new experiences.
So it's possible I was simply intrigued by the novelty of feeling that kind of love from Guwon for the first time.
N-not that I haven't received devoted love from men before, of course!
It's obvious, isn't it? I'm a peerless beauty, one of the finest in the world, I'm brilliant, and I'm destined to be queen. I'm a perfect woman in anyone's eyes.
Every single man I've been with… with the sole exception of Guwon, they all fell head over heels for me and whispered words of love.
If anything, Guwon is the strange one for not falling for me after being with me like that.
I've been loved by countless men until now….
Wait a minute. How did the topic get here?
H-hold on. If I'm used to being loved, then that shatters the hypothesis that I was intrigued by the novelty of Guwon's attitude.
Th-then, do I really… Guwon…?
N-no! That can't be!
Calm down. Calm down, Felicia.
There must be something I'm missing… Th-that's right! It's because it was Guwon! Because it was him, it felt new…!
N-no! I don't mean it felt new because Guwon is special!
It's just that, unlike other men, Guwon didn't love me from the start, so it felt fresh when someone like him treated me like a lover!
A feeling of final conquest? As the next queen, I have that much of a conqueror's ambition. Yes! That must be it!
Felicia desperately worked her unusually sluggish mind and somehow succeeded in rationalizing her feelings, but it didn't make her feel any better.
No. If anything, her mind was filled with anxiety, wondering if it was really okay to conclude things this way.
Even though this was clearly the answer she had wanted.
…Not yet. Is it still too soon to make a judgment?
I haven't even analyzed the feelings I had today.
Right. Let's think about it a little more.
Ultimately unsatisfied with her own conclusion, Felicia continued her train of thought.
…Yes. I can reason that I felt that way that day because I was drunk on the feeling of conquest.
But what about today? What about the emotions I felt today?
When I got word that Guwon had arrived at the palace, I was definitely excited, setting the mood in my room.
I deliberately left my clothes half-off and struck a seductive pose that barely concealed my important parts.
I even spritzed on some perfume with a subtle scent, one I'd received as a gift and never even opened.
Though Guwon didn't seem to notice any of my efforts.
Well, from Guwon's perspective, I probably always give off that kind of vibe, so it's not that strange.
Does he even know that I don't normally wear things like perfume?
People of the royal family don't need such things! We're born with a pleasant natural scent that puts others at ease.
The more she thought about it, the more frustrated Felicia became with Guwon's indifferent reaction, but that was a separate issue.
In any case, she couldn't deny the fact that she had never been so diligent, so excited, when welcoming a man before.
And what about how she felt when Guwon said that butler was prettier than her?
That heavy feeling she experienced for the first time in her life when she found out that butler had become Guwon's woman?
The emotion she felt toward that butler then was, even by her own admission, clearly jealousy.
That's why she acted that way, seducing Guwon.
To show him that no matter how much he raved about how pretty ‘that butler’ was, the sex would still be better with her.
And… she even went so far as to bring up their previous promise, asking him to have sex filled with love with her, too.
Of course, that attempt ended in failure.
She never imagined Guwon would say he'd show her what it's like to have sex with someone he truly loves, right in front of her eyes.
No. Guwon has always had a tendency to get worked up and do the opposite when provoked.
The usual Felicia might have calculated that speaking that way wouldn't get Guwon to do as she wished.
But unfortunately, the Felicia of that moment was not the usual Felicia.
She was a Felicia blinded by jealousy for the butler, desperate to have loving sex with Guwon herself—a Felicia who was not calm at all.
I think I managed to maintain my usual playful demeanor on the outside, but….
In any case, when she thought that she, too, wanted to have sex with Guwon like a lover, it clearly wasn't just because of pleasure or a desire for conquest.
That explanation didn't account for the feelings she had toward that butler.
And what about how she felt when Silvia and Guwon started having sex right in front of her?
It was an act clearly different from when he was with her.
She was witnessing, right before her eyes, an act on a completely different level from the time he'd whispered false words of love, claiming to show her true love after breaking free from her aura's influence.
The Guwon making love to Silvia looked just like the Guwon who had pounced on her under the influence of her aura.
Moreover, Silvia's reaction was that of someone completely smitten with Guwon, so the sight of them together looked like a match made in heaven, with no room for her to squeeze in….
Just recalling that scene now was enough to make a corner of Felicia's heart ache and throb with pain.
Honestly, her mind went blank from the shocking sight before her back then, so she didn't remember the entire sequence of events.
But a few striking scenes were still seared into Felicia's memory.
But, oblivious to the shock Felicia was in, the moment his act with Silvia was over, Guwon tactlessly declared he would take her next.
And Felicia, despite her state, was inwardly pleased by Guwon's words.
Yes. I was happy. Like an idiot.
Of course, his member was still covered in the traces of his love for Silvia, so she couldn't help but feel a little depressed the moment she saw it.
But, foolishly, she found herself feeling more joy at the fact that Guwon would hold her than she felt depression.
That's why Felicia did what she did.
‘This little thing? I'll just take care of it.’ With that thought, she put all her effort into meticulously sucking the member that was covered in the traces of his love for Silvia.
She could say with certainty that it was the first time in her life she had ever sucked a man's member so diligently.
She just wanted there to be not a single trace of Silvia left when he held her.
Of course, even that feeling cooled and died when Guwon hurt her by declaring that he was only holding her out of necessity.