Commander, Overcome
...This, too, is a new experience.
In my memories, the Commander had always been perfect. Always strong. To see her shake so plainly. To see that look in her eyes, as if something might burst at any moment. To see her so fragile that the slightest push might bring her down. And... to see her so readily bare her heart to someone else. All of it — every last bit of it — is a first.
And yet, the fact that she hid to the very end the reason she had been shaken... is, I must admit, very like the Commander. At the same time, it is only now that it truly sinks in: she has lost her memories.
...Yes. Of course.
The memories steeped in gunfire, steel, and blood have vanished. Even being generous, the Commander's standards now would sit only a little above an ordinary person's. Naturally she would be more fragile than before. No — if anything, it is remarkable. Anyone who heard the story she told would understand.
Blood. Corpses. The terror of death. Each and every one of those would be enough to leave a lifelong scar on an ordinary soul. And she met all three in a single day. How deep must that wound run?
And yet — a cruel joke of fate, perhaps. Even though that terror comes for her every night... she never once asked for help. True to her nature, she tucked it away with care, buried it in the deepest abyss. So even she could not help but slowly fester from within. All the more so for you, who have lost the memories of being the Commander — who had been iron itself.
That is why I asked. Please, do not carry everything alone. I will lend you my shoulder whenever you need it — so lean on us, even if only for a moment. ...Did you not ask for help first?
I nearly let my tears show. Somehow, I held them back. The one having the hardest time is the Commander. For me to be the one wearing a look of sorrow would be unthinkable. All I needed to do was convey my sincerity — with an embrace that, unlike before, held not a shred of selfishness.
I did not say it aloud. But she accepted my arms around her... so I believe it reached her. After all, the Commander is... a warm person. Warm, like the heat I feel against me now.
How long did we stay like that?
With great difficulty — truly great difficulty — she opened her mouth.
A voice sunk so deep I doubted my own ears. That sound, so heavy with melancholy... I could scarcely believe it had come from her mouth.
But only for a moment. Then I listened — to the whispers that came quietly, like she was speaking to herself, and yet with perfect clarity.
"Even though it was a dream... having to die alone, in a place with no one, all by myself."
"Even after I woke up, that feeling stayed so thick..."
"I was so scared. And so... lonely."
And there she was. The Commander who had set down the title of Commander — one person, nothing more. Yes. I could face only her... your true heart.
How hard it must have been. To lose your memories all at once, and still fight so that the pillar of who you are would not collapse. Had it been me, I would have struggled merely to keep my own body in one piece.
I will not dare say that I understand what you have endured. That would not be comfort. It would be the pretension of a loathsome hypocrite — and an insult to the path you have walked. ...But if it is staying by your side like this, I can do that as much as you need.
"So..."
"I don't... want to be alone... anymore..."
And then the Commander, who had been barely holding her words together, was finally overwhelmed. She broke.
But that is all right. As the ground hardens after rain... once today has passed, she will be stronger for it. And so I did not refuse the hands that pulled me close. Though I am hardly adequate, if I can be a support for a little while... she will surely stand again.
"Nnh... hic..."
A faint sound slipped from between her clenched lips, and her shoulders trembled, just slightly. I paid it no mind. I put a little more strength into my arms, and held her tighter still. That is the role I must play right now.
...Even so, I am glad. It is a little late, perhaps — but she has learned, at last, how to lean on someone else. ...I am truly, truly glad.
How much time passed after that?
Having more or less gathered herself, the Commander sniffled and spoke to me.
"...Hey, Hitsuko."
"Yes, Commander."
"If I go back like this, I think I'll have another nightmare..."
Oh? And what sort of turn is this?
"Could I stay the night?"
...I beg your pardon?
"...No?"
"Th-there is no reason I would refuse."
...The Commander's unexpected request did make me stumble over my words a little, but I managed to answer all the same. And lest there be any misunderstanding, allow me to add: there was not a shred of selfishness in that answer. I was merely, truly, only the slightest bit flustered.
I mean, of course I was. I, Hitsuko — a Squad Operative, and the rightful successor of my clan, who has completed every last bit of her education with distinction — shaken by a remark so rife with potential for misunderstanding? Preposterous. I was absolutely not beguiled.
...
...Truly. Please believe me.
I was so busy bawling my eyes out that I don't really remember how things went from there. But somehow... I'm spending the night with Hitsuko.
Not that I mind or anything. It's just... the whole going-with-the-flow thing has a pretty wild ripple effect, huh. I was planning to dump a reasonable amount of feelings and then leave. I did not expect to end up sleeping here again.
Right. Putting that aside for now...
"Um... Hitsuko?"
"Yes, Commander."
As someone imposing on her for the night, I shouldn't really be nitpicking. But I mean, I can't help being this curious.
"You... had large pajamas?"
"Of course."
"...For real?"
That's weird. There definitely weren't any last time. What, did she buy new ones?
"I simply never had the occasion to use them. I always keep guest pajamas on hand."
"Then why last time...?"
"Ah."
The moment I tossed the question her way, Hitsuko started avoiding my eyes. Wait a second...
...Don't tell me?
...No, do you have any idea how embarrassed I was a few days ago? It wasn't even a bathrobe — I slept with nothing but a big towel wrapped around my naked body. I even tried to have Rielly bring me something, anything, but Hitsuko, you stopped me. Back then it was late, and there wasn't anything decent to sleep in, so I figured it couldn't be helped...
Don't tell me... you lied to me?
"...I-I was mistaken."
"..."
"It's been so very long since I last received anyone in my room, you see. I simply assumed I hadn't any."
When I stared at her with open suspicion, she even started rolling her eyes. I was about to give her a piece of my mind... but somehow the wind went right out of my sails, and I let it go. ...She's being so blatantly obvious about it that I don't even feel like scolding her. Still, it seems like it's just in the realm of a prank. And this time, I'm the one who owes her... so I can let it slide.
"Haa. Well. If that's the case..."
"You... believe me, then?"
"I got it, so stop rolling your eyes."
I caught Hitsuko, still busy trying to dodge my gaze, and gently brushed her bangs aside. Then I softly pressed my lips to that pale forehead.
...Don't get the wrong idea. This is what she asked for, calling it thanks for counseling me. I don't know if something this small even counts as repayment... but she asked, so I have to do it.
"...Good night, Hitsuko."
"...May you rest well as well, Commander."
The moment I finished speaking, my eyelids grew steadily heavier. And I simply surrendered to the drowsiness that arrived right on cue.
It's dark.
That landscape that appears every night when I close my eyes. The darkness that has tormented me so viciously these past few days... right now, for some reason, it only felt comfortable.
...This isn't a nightmare, is it.
I can't be certain, but it seemed that way. I have sensation in my arms and legs. I can turn my head just fine. I still can't speak — but I've confirmed I can walk, so that's enough.
And the biggest difference from the nightmares: far in the distance — very faint, so small you wouldn't even see it unless you really strained your eyes and focused — a light source that had been nowhere to be found in all the previous nightmares... was clearly there.
...Huh?
The moment I recognized that light and blinked, the distance suddenly closed. Perhaps because it was a dream, there was no dizziness — I was merely startled. ...Anyway, thanks to getting closer to the only light in the vicinity, I could roughly make out the surrounding scenery.
Honestly, calling it scenery was generous. Just miscellaneous junk rolling around, out of place. An old-fashioned television pouring out white light. ...And a nameless woman sitting alone in front of it. That was all.
Should I... talk to her?
She didn't look harmful, so I approached right up behind her... but the dream had stolen my freedom of speech, and I wasn't even in a state where conversation was possible. ...And she didn't even seem to be paying me any mind. Now what.
I pondered whether to tap her shoulder, trying to work out some kind of solution of my own... but it was all pointless. The woman who had been staring at the screen the whole time turned around faster than I could decide.