The Commander's Nightmare (3)

"...I have nightmares."

The first words I managed to spit out, chewed over until they were nearly pulp. I'd agonized until the very instant I opened my mouth, but the moment they left me I felt strangely self-conscious.

For all the time I'd spent dragging this out, it was such a trivial thing to confess. A grown adult, trembling as she brought it up—it was a little... no, a lot childish.

I couldn't even bring myself to meet Hitsuko's eyes. The only thing that followed was a hush of silence.

Sitting in that quiet, a wave of unease crept over me. Was I doing something I shouldn't? Was I just using Hitsuko as a dumping ground for my feelings, all so I could feel a little better?

The thought frightened me enough that I slowly lifted my head, which I'd kept bowed the whole time. But the Hitsuko who filled my vision was nothing like what I'd imagined.

She sat there demurely, offering me nothing but a quiet smile.

Ah...

Was she saying she'd listen to whatever I had to say?

It wasn't something I ought to think, given my age and my position as her superior... but it was a relief. I didn't have any particular religion, but it felt a ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠little like going to confession.

Well... Hitsuko was something of a shrine maiden herself. In the broader sense she occupied the territory of the clergy, so this wasn't all that different.

"So... what happened was..."

Once the dam broke, the rest came pouring out as if a stopper had been pulled. I started from the business trip to Berta, the attack in the middle of the conference, beating down those pathetic assailants, and the ringleader fleeing with a suspicious artifact. Up to that point, it was easy enough to tell.

Garron or Baron or whatever his name was—aside from that senator running his filthy mouth, it really hadn't been anything special. If he'd only spewed that garbage at me, I might have let it go. But insulting our girls on top of it... that was an unforgivable crime as far as I was concerned.

...Hitsuko, for her part, seemed to have zeroed in on what he'd said to me... probably just my imagination.

The problem was everything after that.

"I left the scene to Erhild... the Vice President, and went after him right away..."

"...He was already dead. In a back alley."

The tail end of the preamble. The start of the nightmare. I'd followed the sticky, clinging stench of blood along the pavement, and what I found there was a scene so hideous that even recalling it now turned my stomach. A corpse riddled with so many holes it was barely recognizable as human, and crows dropping in one by one to settle on it.

Only a few hours before—maybe even a few minutes—he'd been breathing the same air as the rest of us. I'd wanted to see him punished, but I hadn't wanted him dead. Looked at rationally, he'd simply reaped what he'd sown... but I still don't know how to look at the world through a lens that convenient, or that cold.

"Anyway, I managed to get that sorted somehow... and I did make it back to the lodging."

"Just in case, I'd brought the artifact with me, and... someone came out of it."

"If the girls who were with me then... hadn't stepped in..."

"...I probably would have died right there."

And that was the heart of it. The source of the nightmare that hounded me every single night. Perhaps because it was the experience closest to the dream itself, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠my words kept catching and breaking. The whole time I spoke, my chest would go tight without warning, and my throat kept locking up.

In a way, it was only natural. The human malice I'd encountered that day in Berta had been trauma, plain and simple. Thinking about it now, the insomnia that started after the trip was probably because of this too.

Of course, I didn't go so far as to burst into tears in front of a subordinate who was younger than me. It wasn't that I was emotionally fine so much as that I held it in. Either way. I was the adult here. No matter the circumstances, I couldn't afford to look ugly in front of someone I was supposed to lead.

"...It's always the same."

"When I close my eyes, there's no one around me. And after a little while, that woman comes to kill me."

"And I can't do a thing. I just have to die there, alone."

The ending I'd lived through so many times I was sick of it, at least, I could recount with some composure. I didn't really know why. If I understood that kind of thing, I wouldn't be the Commander—I wouldn't be anything. I'd been an ordinary person to begin with.

Anyway, the feeling of having finally let out everything I'd been pressing down... how to put it. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Hmm. How to put it. It was a relief, but it was also hollow. To be more precise: it felt like a knot in my chest had come loose, mixed with the thought that talking about it wouldn't stop the nightmares anyway, so what was the point of wasting Hitsuko's time like this? If I had to pin it down, it was those two things layered together. Maybe I just don't have a way with words. It's hard to explain cleanly.

...Yeah. That was about it.

"...That's why. That's why I was fighting so hard not to sleep tonight."

I didn't have much else to add after that, so I wrapped it up. It was about time to get up, and I needed to thank Hitsuko besides. She'd sat through my long, rambling complaint without so much as a hint of boredom. The least I could do was say I was grateful. And I did feel a little better, somehow. Up until a moment ago I'd felt like some tragic heroine out of a tearjerker.

"...It must have been boring. Thanks for listening. Well then..."

"Commander."

"Hm?"

The moment I moved to say goodbye, Hitsuko caught me. Did she have something more to say? If it was comfort or something along those lines... I was fine, really. She didn't have to go out of her way.

"Commander."

"...Yeah."

But the words Hitsuko went out of her way to call me a second time to deliver... those were nothing like what I'd expected.

"When you first delivered an address in an official setting after your return, Commander. What did you say?"

...Wait. That was a little hazy. She meant back when I'd first gathered everyone together, not long after I'd arrived in this body, right? I'd taken my declaration of amnesia and stretched it into the nicest possible wording I could manage.

...Why was she bringing that up all of a sudden?

"...That I didn't have my old memories?"

"After that."

Uh... after that, too? That part was genuinely fuzzy. Maybe because so much had blown up lately. Still, I felt like I could dredge it up if I tried.

What had I... said, again?

"You asked us to lend you our shoulders. To help one another."

"...Ah."

Right. I'd forgotten. The moment Hitsuko supplied the answer, a faint chill in her gaze, the memory of that day unspooled through my mind like a panorama.

...Yeah. I'd said something like that. But what I'd meant at the time was, look, I might get stuck on the work, so just bear with me. I hadn't expected it to come back around like this. Not even a little...

"Then allow me to ask."

With that, Hitsuko rose from where she had been sitting all this time. And then she drove a question into the present like a stake through the heart of it.

"...Of course not."

The answer had been decided before she even asked, and it wasn't empty courtesy. These were the girls who had held their posts through all the long years when there had been no Commander. There was nothing to tear down, not in character and not in competence. Besides, I'd adapted to the paperwork quickly enough, but I was still a stranger to the practical side of the work—I'd been leaning on them for an enormous amount of help as it was.

"Hmm. Is that so?"

"Yeah. I always..."

"Then why is it that you always try to resolve everything on your own?"

Hitsuko cut across me, and the observation stopped the words in my throat. Looking back... she was right.

When the insomnia started. When the insomnia turned into nightmares. When the shadow of a woman I couldn't name gnawed at me day after day, and I gave up on sleep altogether. When the girls, unable to watch any longer, dragged me out and put me in a hospital bed. Even when my trauma had been set off by accident...

Had I... ever told anyone what I was actually going through?

...No.

I'd always been in a hurry to hide it. Always wrapping it in I'm fine, always making excuses that I was perfectly all right, always forcing a smile onto my face. All the while something inside me was rotting, and I just kept telling myself this was the right way to do it. Without even realizing that it was no different from a lie.

"...My. This part of you hasn't changed at all from the old days."

While I sat frozen, finally seeing the pretense I'd mistaken for goodwill for what it was, Hitsuko gave me a bitter little smile and walked over, her steps unhurried.

"I know that you are strong, Commander. You will overcome this in the end, I am certain. Even so..."

"I would be grateful if you could spare a thought, even a little, for those of us who follow you."

"...I am worried about you."

She murmured it softly, and then she slipped into my arms. There was no reason to refuse. I'd already betrayed the hopes of Hitsuko and everyone else once; I hardly had any standing to object. And as much as I truly, truly wanted to deny it... I had wanted this too.

...Why was that?

The whisper reached my ear before I could decide anything at all. I put my arms around her in return, and I opened my mouth to give her some kind of answer—but at the very last instant, I caught the catch of tears under her words.

Every thought I had came to a stop. And I let myself go.

Why? Well.

Because the hug was so warm. Because every word she spoke was warmer than I deserved. Because it felt like she was telling me I didn't have to carry it all by myself. There were too many reasons to pick just one... and I didn't want to, anyway.

...Maybe that was why.

For the first time since I'd fallen into this damn world, the feelings I'd buried so deep—for fear they'd be found out—began to come undone, all on their own.