How to Counter an Elf Who Speaks Kyoto-Style (1)
I perched on the windowsill of my office, basking in the morning sun as I tore into some jerky. It was mutton jerky, a gift from Waiver. When I'd mentioned how good it had tasted during the last night infiltration class, he'd brought me a whole basket.
"Combat Chief Professor. It's time for the Imperial Palace periodic report meeting."
The office door opened and a Combat Department teaching assistant stepped in.
The Imperial Palace periodic report. The Academy regularly submitted its operational status and any notable incidents to its superior agency, the Imperial Security Office. That didn't mean the Palace had us by the throat, yanking us this way and that — most matters were left to the Academy's own discretion and authority. But this was the institution that produced the Empire's field agents, so the Palace needed to stay reasonably informed, and to step in when necessary.
"Yeah, got it. Let me finish this first."
I stuffed the half-eaten mutton jerky into my mouth, wiped my greasy fingers on my cloak, and stood up. The remaining piece went into my pocket for a snack later.
Chewing away as I walked down the corridor, I spotted someone standing in front of the principal's office at the far end. Nearly as tall as a man, with golden hair that seemed to glow of its own accord and long, pointed ears — an elf radiating an elegance and beauty that words could scarcely capture. Theory Chief Professor Ismera.
"Good morning, Professor."
"Ah, Professor Dian. You've arrived at just the right time..."
Ismera turned toward me with a gentle smile, then her words trailed away as she saw me chewing the jerky like a wad of gum. It was the look of someone forcibly swallowing the contempt welling up from the depths of her chest at the sight of a commoner's vulgar manners.
Elves had always been a sly lot — forever smiling serenely on the surface while you never had the faintest idea what they were actually thinking. They considered themselves a noble, superior race, clustered together in their forests, fiercely exclusive and never hesitating to look down on other species. From what I'd seen during the Duke's visit last time, Ismera seemed especially prone to it. That habit of smiling to your face while taking a snide, underhanded swipe — she was exactly like those people from Kyoto...
Theory Chief Professor Ismera was gliding through the Academy grounds with a light, rustling step, on her way to the Imperial Palace periodic report meeting.
"Good morning, Professor."
"Yes. A lovely morning to you."
Smiling at the students and staff who greeted her, Ismera turned her thoughts to the meeting ahead. The Imperial Palace periodic reports contained a great deal of sensitive material, so only the Principal and the two Chief Professors attended. Unfortunately, both the Principal and the Combat Chief Professor were people Ismera despised. She had nursed a steady hatred for Kirlin for quite some time, and in Dian's case the loathing was more recent — he had ruined her grand plan.
The plan had been this: the Duke, furious over the Knightly affair, would turn the Academy upside down, and the Palace would use that as grounds to dismiss Kirlin — at which point Ismera would step into her place. Then Dian had appeared out of nowhere, flaunting his friendship with the Duke, and the whole situation had resolved itself on the most amicable of terms. Kirlin remained firmly in her seat, and Dian's reputation around campus had only soared.
Could it be that Professor Dian, too, had landed the Combat Chief Professor post through connections? A pale, unassuming human with no discernible credentials, serving as Combat Chief Professor? If he'd had the look of Morton, that hulking old man from the Combat Department, or that brutish orc professor, she might have believed it. But a wan, scholarly-looking fellow wandering the campus with a wooden practice sword? It was hard to imagine he possessed a career worthy of the position.
Ismera stopped in front of the principal's office, biting her lip, her eyes flashing.
It was unjust. She had lost her forest in the war, fled to a strange land, and spent ten years studying until she coughed blood just to become a Chief Professor — while everyone else was living high on the hog thanks to their parents and their connections.
"Good morning, Theory Chief Professor."
A familiar voice called from down the hall. Combat Chief Professor Dian.
"Ah, Professor Dian. You've arrived at just the right time..."
Seeing him chewing something with gusto, Ismera trailed off and forced a smile. What on earth was he doing? Eating while walking? She could see now — this man had no sense of propriety whatsoever.
"What is it you're enjoying so thoroughly? Watching you eat, Professor Dian, I fear both the Principal and I shall find ourselves hungry at this early hour."
An elegant way of saying: don't wander around with food in your mouth like some vulgar, mannerless oaf. Most elves who considered themselves noble spoke this way, but Ismera took it to an extreme. It was her own method of survival, forged after losing her homeland and her people and being thrown into an unfamiliar human society. As a minority with no one to rely on, even the smallest conflict or quarrel had to be avoided. But she was still a proud elf, and bowing her head outright was something she would rather die than do. The compromise she'd settled on was smiling while taking a swipe from the side.
"Oh, this? Mutton jerky. Professor Waiver gave it to me. He made it himself, and it's really good."
Professor Dian answered with a bright smile. I couldn't care less what it is, you human, Ismera thought, and replied with a gentle smile of her own.
"I see. It would appear Professor Waiver is carrying on the famed hunting traditions of Quiranna even here at the Academy. No doubt thanks to the Combat Chief Professor ensuring such conditions are well provided for."
Meaning: a professor making jerky? Does the Combat Department have that little to do?
"That's how I get to eat such delicious jerky, isn't it? I hear making this and giving it out as gifts is his hobby. Hasn't he given you any, Professor Ismera?"
"I, too, should very much like to taste it, should the opportunity ever arise."
Should the opportunity ever arise. Ismera-speak for: I will never, under any circumstances, eat that garbage. It was a phrase most people used as a polite formality, so Dian would surely take the hint.
"Is that so? I happen to have one on me. Would you like to try it?"
Then a piece of jerky suddenly emerged from Dian's pocket, and Ismera was so startled she nearly lost her smile.
"I'm ever so grateful, but what am I to do? I've only just finished breakfast, you see..." (Absolutely not!)
"Then have it later, when you're working and your mouth starts to water. Here, go on."
But Professor Dian, apparently failing to take the hint, jammed the jerky into the pocket of Ismera's robe.
"Give it a try, and if you like it, let me know. I'll ask Professor Waiver to make a batch for you as well. Once you have one, it's hard to stop."
"A most generous offer, but I do hope it wouldn't be an imposition on Professor Waiver." (I don't need it. That barbaric food!)
Dian waved both hands.
"No, no. I told you — giving these out as gifts is Waiver's hobby. He'll be delighted, I'm sure. Urrp—excuse me."
As Dian belched, the corner of Ismera's eye gave a slight twitch.
"Shall we go in? I'm certain the Principal will be pleased if we enter together." (We've been delayed because you've been standing here acting like an idiot.)
"Hehe, you think so? Well, I have been working pretty hard lately."
Dian grinned, completely oblivious, and puffed out his chest. Honestly, how could a person have so little awareness...
Faced with Dian's unwavering denseness, Ismera felt a tightness in her chest, as though something she'd eaten wouldn't go down, and opened the door to the principal's office.
"Ah! Come in, Dian!"
Kirlin, buried under a mountain of documents, looked up with a delighted expression.
"And... Professor Ismera..."
The voice that had greeted Dian with such brightness shrank dramatically when it reached Ismera. Glancing at the documents stacked precariously on the desk, Ismera offered a captivating, eye-crinkling smile that could steal a person's soul.
"It is both heartening and truly pitiable to see you laboring day and night for the Academy's advancement, Principal." (Clean off your desk and live like a decent person.)
"Well, I am the Principal, so I have to try even harder... Thank you for the encouragement, Professor Ismera."
Kirlin smiled awkwardly, and Ismera cursed inwardly. That dimwitted dark-skinned bitch couldn't understand a word of it.
"Sit down. I'll have some tea brought in."
Ismera took a sip of the tea the chief administrator had brought and smiled.
"This tea has such an interesting flavor." (It's awful.)
"Does it? This is the tea I used to drink when I was studying at the Imperial Public Academy. They say it has the effect of clearing the mind."
"How fascinating that it has such an effect. I suppose this tea is what allowed you to graduate with such excellent marks, Principal." (Baseless nonsense. A paltry public-academy graduate putting on airs.)
"I'll set aside a few packets for you too, Professor Ismera, if you'd like... Being a Chief Professor is always a hard, exhausting post, so it should help."
"Should the opportunity ever arise, I should very much like to experience that sensation of a cleared mind myself." (I don't need it.)
But Kirlin didn't catch a word of it. She lit up with delight, called the chief administrator over, and instructed that all remaining packets of tea be given to Ismera after the meeting. Ismera had no choice but to force the corners of her mouth upward and offer her thanks.
Truly a species with not a shred of social awareness...
The Principal and the Chief Professors sat at the conference round table and discussed the contents of the periodic report to be sent to the Imperial Palace. The primary focus of this first-quarter report was the Combat Department overhaul. Dian proceeded to report on the Combat Department's current affairs, one by one.
"First, we've restructured every combat course so that practical training accounts for at least eighty percent of class time. The corresponding education and training plans have also been revised and updated."
"Mm..."
Kirlin picked up an ink pen herself and wrote down Dian's reports as he gave them. Her handwriting was round and neat — a dainty, almost cute script that was hard to believe belonged to a dark elf. But the look in Ismera's eyes as she watched was the kind of unpleasant expression one might wear upon seeing a writhing insect.
"Your handwriting truly transcends all generations, Principal." (Why does a grown adult write like that?)
"Oh, that's an incredibly cute handwriting."
Dian glanced at Kirlin's writing after Ismera's remark and offered a compliment, at which Kirlin's face flushed a dark red.
"Principal. Do all dark elves possess such lovely handwriting?" (This tells me everything I need to know about you ignorant dark elves.)
"Not really — I practiced it when I was at the Imperial Public Academy. I never thought much of it myself, but it's a little embarrassing to have both of you looking at it so kindly."
"I wouldn't know personally, but the Imperial Public Academy seems like a truly wonderful place." (A school that teaches handwriting practice? What a garbage academy.)
"You think so too, Professor Ismera? That's a relief. Honestly, I was worried that because my academic background is lacking, you might look down on me in private."
At this point, Professor Ismera began to genuinely wonder if she was suffering from indigestion. Her chest was so tight. Why could these people not understand a single thing she was saying?!
She gathered her fraying composure and opened her mouth with a smile.
"How could that possibly be, Principal. You and I have walked different paths, but in the end we are both engaged in the rewarding work of teaching students here at the Academy." (Of course you and I are as different as heaven and earth. Don't you dare think we're equals just because we work at the same school.)
"Whoa!"
Hearing this, Professor Dian clapped in admiration.
"That's our Professor Ismera! How is it that your thoughts shine just as brilliantly as your noble appearance? Elves truly are something else!"
"No... th-that's not what I... meant..."
A sudden wave of dizziness washed over her, and Professor Ismera finally stammered.
