[The Saintess for You - 17]
[The Saintess for You - 17]
"Saintess-nim, I do not know how to express my gratitude....... On behalf of the Valtus Family, I thank you."
"Please don't pay it any mind. It was only natural for me to do as a Saintess."
"......I am pleased to hear you say that."
I was having a conversation alone with Aria.
Due to this incident, my standing had risen, and there was no other work that could execute justice to this extent.
People are starved for stories, and everyone loves a story where justice crushes evil.
Most of the populace believes that a righteous person crushed something evil, and by telling that story, they themselves hold moral superiority.
Of course, among them were also people who were pointlessly jealous or undermined those achievements and treated them as nothing just to refute for the sake of refuting.
However, looking roughly at the numbers, it was about one or two out of ten people, and since most spoke of such things in taverns, the number of people who could say such things directly face-to-face shrank even further, so it was a number that didn't need much consideration.
The important thing was that my allies were increasing one by one, and the evaluation of me was becoming 'a Saintess-nim worthy of being a Saintess.'
Proactiveness.
And the attitude toward everything.
Because that would soon transform into my reputation.
"To speak honestly, I sometimes felt an unnaturalness in your actions, Saintess-nim."
"......Is that so?"
I spoke while still maintaining my smile.
So she had noticed after all.
I understood once again that the weapon known as years of experience was something to be wary of. Even though the Pope herself hadn't noticed in the slightest and was just delighted, calling it a positive change.
Perhaps his heart, which doted on me like a granddaughter, made his already poor perceptiveness even worse.
He was a truly good person recognized by Ed, and reading various stories about the Pope, he lived his life dedicating it to saving people without taking care of his own body or life to the extent that one could feel a 'madness of goodness.'
Because of that, while respecting him as a person, there seemed to be many people who felt they could never become like that.
I remembered him occasionally venting to me as well, saying that while he had no regrets about his current life, maybe it would have been okay to take care of himself a bit more, start a family, or pursue personal matters.
It was a lonely-looking smile.
"However, if all of your actions demonstrate something completely different from those inner feelings, I have nothing more to say. Humans are social animals, reactive animals, and at the same time, animals of adaptation."
"......."
"They wear a social mask, care about people's reactions, and begin to adapt to things they initially found difficult and bothersome."
"That is true."
"I can roughly tell where your destination lies, Saintess-nim. Please, I root for you from the bottom of my heart to reach that conclusion."
"......Is it alright?"
"My little grandson is cautious just as he appears, smart, and exceptionally capable. Becoming a Holy Knight at ten years old and experiencing about ten years of war, he is praised as a hero of the Monster War. Among those who live where battles take place even a little, there is hardly anyone who doesn't know my little grandson's name."
"That is true."
"Especially to those who live in the dark, he seems to be terror itself."
To a person who had committed a crime, Ed's appearance seemed to mean looking like a judge who came to punish sins, or a Grim Reaper who came to end their lifespan.
Indeed, even the man who kidnapped me, upon recognizing Ed, had suddenly turned pale white.
I could tell that Ed's name was immensely famous over on that side.
Because Ed himself had said that he often dealt with not only monsters but also criminals during the war.
It really seemed that the place called the Monster War was quite a grueling one. No, I somewhat doubted whether a battlefield that wasn't grueling even existed, though.
"His decisiveness is also good. However, he is stubborn in peculiar ways, and once he starts insisting on something, unless there is a proper, convincing reason, he consumes far too much time. It's a flaw that comes along with his virtue of being cautious, so it's hard to criticize."
"I think of it as a good trait."
After all, in a few areas, it was bothersome for me to think.
I leave the thinking to Ed, leave the reasoning to him, and leave the reflecting to him.
In the meantime, it was best for me to do other things or just zone out.
There were far more cases where Ed's judgment was more suitable than my own.
In the first place, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that most of the moral grounds and pragmatic grounds I used for judgment were learned by watching Ed live beside me, so it was no overstatement to say that my judgment was ultimately Ed's judgment.
"If you desire my little grandson, do as you please."
When Aria spoke with a smile, my eyes widened momentarily.
"Really?"
"Of course my little grandson's choice comes first, but on our end, there is no reason to refuse. How could we refuse when it is none other than you, Saintess-nim? An age gap is hardly a major issue once one becomes an adult."
"......."
"There might be some noise, but at most, it would be at a level that can be ignored. To be sure, our family is currently lacking to become the partner of the Saintess-nim, however."
Since it was a family that had almost fallen once, that part couldn't be helped.
Rather, just coming this far with the noble rights that the king had maintained half out of torment was an absurdly impressive feat.
I could dare guess that there had been much patience, many correct choices, and much agony.
I surely would have gotten annoyed and bothered halfway through, choosing to quit or crush it with brute force instead.
"Do you like my little grandson that much?"
"......May I speak honestly?"
"Yes. This is my room; no sound can leak outside, nor is eavesdropping possible. Furthermore, unless you speak of it yourself, Saintess-nim, I promise that even if my life were to end, I will not speak of the conversation we had here."
"......."
I was silent for a moment, then spoke.
"If you're going to die, just tell them....... It's not that important....... Life is what's important."
"......Haha, I wonder if I should call you amazing, Saintess-nim, or if my little grandson is the amazing one. Is it both? At any rate, I understand."
Aria smiled.
"Now, please tell me."
"......As you expected, my sensibility is somewhat askew from that of normal humans. No, let me correct myself. It is severely askew. Ed described it as being empty, or said that while I feel emotions and desires properly, there is a problem in the part where I actually recognize them."
I call it a disability, but Ed told me not to use such a term in front of others if possible.
He said it was true, and while some people might not care since it was coming from myself, creating discomfort by needlessly disparaging oneself heavily happened quite often.
People were truly difficult, feeling like assembling a puzzle of tens of thousands of pieces that were all the exact same color.
To be honest, the process of fitting together puzzle pieces of the same color was not easy and could be called a grueling task, but Ed's expression when he brought a new puzzle piece just as I was about to finish assembling them all was so wonderful that all the annoyance and bother up until then melted away.
I am heading in the right direction.
I am properly being engraved inside you.
I am.
Approaching you.
"Even if a person dies, or even if a person suffers beside me, I don't feel much of any emotion. I lack the compassion one ought to have, and I have no desire to be considerate. But if you ask whether I want to take advantage for my own gain, that too is subtle."
In fact, even at the moment when I was being beaten up, I merely felt regretful that I could no longer resolve my questions, and it didn't feel like anything emotional was going to explode inside me.
A fear close to a sort of survival instinct—that I didn't want to die—was not engraved in me.
I could not express or recognize emotions, even for my own sake.
Because that recognizing part was broken no matter what I did, even if I felt 'I want to do this,' I couldn't understand why.
For example, Ed said that I liked putting sugar cubes in black tea.
However, that was merely something I did naturally on a daily basis, and I had no awareness that I 'liked' it.
Even now, because I know it as knowledge, I go around saying that I like black tea and sweet things, but the sensation of 'liking' itself felt subtly distorted deep inside.
I couldn't really understand it myself either.
"What people commonly call a heretic; I was not born good. Though I wasn't born evil either."
"That is true. Even so, there is no doubt that it is a nature easily led into evil."
"Yes."
"Then why is that? Did my little grandson do something for you to that extent?"
"Rather than doing something special, I think he was persistent. ......At the moment when everyone, far from understanding me, denied me, and even I denied myself and gave up on understanding, he tried to see my emotions and desires."
He observed what I could not recognize or express outwardly, looking into my eyes, trying desperately to find it.
In the end, Ed found it, and since it was something even I did not know, I had no choice but to look at Ed with astonished eyes.
"It was the first time I properly looked at another person's face. He held onto what even I myself had let go of. ......To be honest, I'm only guessing that these are the reasons. I don't really know either. It's just that, the moment I saw Ed's face appear when my life was in danger and everything was fading due to pain."
Yes, it was the moment I saw that face in that forest.
"I felt that Ed was special."
"......I worried that once you obtained my little grandson, Saintess-nim, perhaps your passion might cool down. I too agreed with that to some extent."
"I agree as well."
So he had talked to Aria.
As expected, I was convinced that the true power holder in this house was Aria.
"However, now I can no longer agree."
"Is that so?"
"Yes."
Aria smiled.
"Yes, please take good care of my little grandson....... Of Adrian. Though he looks like that, he is a child with many scars and much suffering. Please, for that child's sake as well, continue to....... stay as the Saintess."
"......."
This is official approval, right?
Family approval, right?
Did I just get recognized by his family that it's okay to become Ed's wife?
I felt like I could hear the sound of an invisible shackle being locked onto one of Ed's arms.
"Of course. Please leave him to me."
My heart is pounding.
Ah.
Indeed.
Just taking one step closer to you makes me feel like I'm going crazy.
I want you so badly, Ed.