So Scary...
It was a brilliantly sunny day. The early morning sun warmed the earth with a pleasant heat, and that drowsy warmth unique to spring was melting away the faint fatigue lingering in people's bodies. Those who had risen early were already heading outside, readying themselves for a lively day.
8:42 a.m.
On a street packed with office workers and college students rushing every which way, Lee Eun-byul let out a long, heavy sigh.
"...Haa."
She was drowning in self-loathing over what had happened last night. The memory of how she'd completely dropped her guard and spilled her guts to a total stranger — some anonymous person she didn't know from Adam — replayed on a loop inside her head.
You fucking idiot...
Just thinking about it made her face feel like it was turning red all on its own. She was pretty sure she'd said a whole lot of weird shit. Even if the other person was anonymous, the thought of having blurted all that out filled her with nothing but raw, crawling mortification.
What on earth must they be thinking of her?
She didn't even need to dwell on it. The answer arrived automatically. They were probably thinking she was a total freak. They were just a commissioner and a buyer — a simple business relationship — and she'd gone and dumped a pile of personal garbage nobody had asked for. Of course they'd been put off by how hard she'd tried to close the distance. They'd already written her off as a hopeless case based on her tastes alone... and now she'd gone and tacked weird bitch onto that assessment.
Why the hell did I do that?
She trudged toward campus, turning it over in her mind. The answer came easily. The alcohol she'd been knocking back yesterday was the problem. Yeah. Alcohol was always the problem. She hadn't even gone out to meet anyone, but the worries swirling through her head had driven her to drink — two bottles, all by herself.
People with hard lives didn't pour it down for no reason. Alcohol had always been a good friend. It melted away the day's fatigue and let you forget, if only for a little while, every worry waiting tomorrow. And so, for that moment at least, Eun-byul had taken on the heart of a weary working adult and drunk herself stupid.
She had one bad habit that came out when she got drunk: her mouth got dangerously loose. Maybe the thick alcohol stripped away some filter lodged in her brain, because a lot of things came flying out before she even realized it. The habit showed up even more often online than in real life. The thirst posts she regularly dumped on BC were a prime example. Of course, there had been a few times she'd written those sober... but most of them were things she'd typed out after drinking.
Yesterday that habit must have been especially bad, because she'd gone beyond BC and even caused a scene in a one-on-one chat. She figured she must have had that much bottled up inside.
"Hoo..."
Still, she decided to look on the bright side. The way she'd acted yesterday was pretty embarrassing, but that Hala person had listened to her reasonably well. She remembered how they'd kept answering her — no sign of irritation, no hint that they were annoyed. Thanks to that, she'd been able to open up for the first time in a while. And at the end, they'd even offered their own answer to her problem.
Honestly, it didn't seem like an answer that would actually work, but...
Whatever. It wasn't like she had any other options. If she wanted to fix things, she had to do something.
She was heading to the Economics department classroom right now. To meet the one guy who had been the source of every worry she'd had for the past two days.
Why did I have to run away.
Making a mess like this. She hated herself for it. She trudged along, and before she knew it she had arrived at the lecture hall. She opened the door carefully. Normally she would have thrown it open without caring how much noise it made, but right now she didn't particularly want to draw anyone's attention.
Maybe because quite a bit of time had already passed, the lecture hall was packed. She could see her friend Yu Go-un horsing around in the back seats, and Han Ho-jin chatting away up front. Besides them, countless other students were absorbed in their own things. Fortunately, everyone was so buried in their own business that nobody sent a glance her way.
Eun-byul rolled her eyes around the room, scanning it for a moment. She found the person she was looking for almost immediately.
There he was.
In the very last seat by the right-hand window, sitting alone, quietly staring at his phone. A guy occupying that chair with an air of lofty detachment, as if he had absolutely nothing to do with this noisy place. Set against the racket around him, it looked as if he alone existed in an entirely different space. That tiny isolated pocket, combined with his characteristically sharp looks, radiated nothing but a cold chill into the surroundings.
Looking at him, she felt herself tensing up for no real reason. Seeing him like this, she could definitely understand why the other kids found it so hard to approach him. Lee Se-won, when his face was blank, gave off that sharp of an atmosphere. How on earth had she managed to walk up to him? How had they gotten close? It was amazing, now that she thought about it. She'd probably been able to do it because she hadn't been thinking about anything at the time. But now, going to apologize for something she'd actually done wrong, she even felt a strange pressure settling over her.
...Still. She had to do it.
Eun-byul steeled herself and started walking again. One step. Then another. With every step, his figure grew larger. When she finally drew up right beside him, she opened her mouth.
"...Um."
The small voice rang out, and at the same time his eyes turned toward her.
"Hm?"
A faint question sat in those sharp eyes.
"What's up?"
Those unreadable black eyes bored straight through her. His face held no emotion at all — she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Maybe it was the dark circles piled under his eyes, but it almost felt like he was glaring at her.
Shit...
Eun-byul cursed inwardly. Should she just leave? Was this even the right way to apologize? What if she apologized and just got chewed out for it? The thoughts surged up all at once. But it was already done. She had walked all the way over here. She had even called out to him. Now she had no choice but to speak.
Eun-byul started apologizing the way that Hala person had taught her.
"Um... I came to apologize for what happened on Monday. I was drunk at the time... honestly, I don't really remember... but I'm pretty sure I definitely messed up somehow... I'm sorry."
As she spoke, she thought:
I'm fucked...
The words were still coming out of her mouth when she gradually realized how wrong this was. What kind of apology was this? Saying "anyway, I'm sorry" when you don't even know what you did wrong — there was no way that would land. Should she just be honest, even now? I panicked so hard that night I just ran away. I'm a spineless, dickless coward who can't even close the deal when the moment is sitting right there. I beg of you — please just beat the living shit out of me.
It felt like that would actually be better. At least that would show some sincerity. At least then he'd know for sure that she was actually sorry.
A silence passed between them. Lee Se-won, staring at her without a word, and Lee Eun-byul, who couldn't even meet his eyes. To her, these fleeting seconds felt like an eternity. Waiting for whatever came next was like waiting for a beating. Every kind of negative thought was flooding the inside of her mind. She had been standing there like that for what felt like a long time when—
"Hm?"
Lee Se-won opened his mouth. What came out was nothing like what she'd expected.
"Ahh, it's fine. I don't remember either, anyway."
He waved a hand as if he couldn't care less.
"I must've drunk too much that night too. I opened my eyes and I was already home. I don't remember either, so you don't have to worry about it."
"Huh?"
He doesn't remember. A reply she hadn't even considered. She'd expected him to grudgingly accept the apology, or maybe reject it with an annoyed look. But she'd only failed to predict it — it was something that could easily have happened. Right. His memory had cut out. No matter how high his tolerance was, there was no way it would still be intact after two and a half bottles of soju.
Eun-byul laughed awkwardly.
"Ah, haha. I see."
The unexpected fact unraveled her worries. All the negative thoughts she'd been having until now suddenly felt stupid. Something about it sat a little wrong, but it was better to just bury that night as a dream. Every apology she had painstakingly prepared in her heart had come to nothing. Faced with the sudden void, she briefly wondered what she was supposed to say.
A brief silence settled between them, and then he spoke.
"Anyway, feels like I haven't seen you in a while. Come hang out sometime."
He offered up everyday conversation as if nothing had happened at all. She could see the faint smile hanging at the corners of his mouth — the kind that just barely lifted the edges of what had been a straight line. It didn't show much, thanks to that characteristically sharp atmosphere of his, and that was exactly what made the smile feel all the more precious.
Suddenly, Eun-byul thought: a smiling face really did suit him.