33: Inner Thoughts
Chapter 33: Inner Thoughts[hala: Wait, why?;]The moment I sent that reply back to her,"Fucking hell."A sudden, unexplainable wave of anger began to well up inside me. Like a tiny spark left smoldering in the corner of my mind that suddenly burst into a full-on flame···.It was an anger I actually knew all too well.The lingering bitterness left behind from when Eunbyul had bolted away last time started reigniting.The mood had been completely set for some action, and if things had just rolled forward like that, we could've had a fun, laughter-filled round of wild fucking!Whenever I thought about that, a petty wave of irritation pricked at me. It felt like having a delicious treat snatched away right from in front of my nose.Of course, thanks to that setback, I ended up discovering a brand-new slice of heaven named Sung Arin.Still, unfair is unfair."You better have a damn good explanation."Amidst the predawn stillness of my room, I muttered to myself.If she started spouting some bullshit like, "Your face didn't appeal to me," or "I just didn't feel like doing it," I was fully confident I could march right over to Eunbyul and deliver a righteous session of angry spanking.So, I asked. Starting with the assumption that was least likely to be true.[hala: Was my face no good?]Of course, I didn't actually think my face was bad.If anything, I heard compliments about my looks more often than not.It felt absurd to be saying this about myself, but this wasn't some self-assessment born out of arrogance.The glances from people passing by on the street, and the reaction Sung Arin showed yesterday—those were all the proof I needed.Thus, I could objectively tell that my face hit at least slightly above average.However, as I'd mentioned before, impressions were always subjective.What sounded like heavenly music to one person could just sound like mere discord to another. A person's appearance was no different.So, keeping that tiny possibility in mind, I threw the question her way.[FuckedUpMe: No, no, absolutely not that]Judging by how fiercely she denied it, thankfully, that wasn't the case at all.[FuckedUpMe: Honestly, your face is actually quite handsome. To be frank, you looked super edgy and prickly when I first saw you, but once you get to know you, your personality is kind of gentle too. It actually fits my type really well.]Reading that reply, I couldn't help but marvel for a moment."Well, well."So that's how she saw me. Man, getting praised like this out of nowhere felt like getting a pleasant surprise poke in the ribs, but it still felt good.The corners of my lips curled up automatically.That bit about me looking 'super edgy and prickly' stood out a little, but since that was something I always heard anyway, I just shrugged it off.Do I really look that prickly···?It was a genuinely unfair accusation as far as I was concerned.Still, at least I knew it wasn't because of my looks.I asked again.[hala: Then why?]That made it the third time I was asking 'Why?' By this point, anyone with an impatient streak would've died of frustration.Fortunately, 'FuckedUpMe' didn't seem intent on dragging it out any longer and finally opened up.Very carefully, as if drawing out a deeply hidden secret.[FuckedUpMe: Um...][hala: Um?][FuckedUpMe: While having sex... I was scared I might make a mistake or something..][hala: ?]What kind of bullshit.[hala: What kind of nonsense is that]Oops.The words I was only supposed to be thinking in my head had already slipped out into the chat.But it was a force of majeure.I genuinely couldn't understand what the hell she was talking about.She felt like she was pulling some dark secret out of her heart, but that secret turned out to be the size of an ant's asshole.What kind of mistakes could you possibly make while having sex?Panicking because you can't find the hole? The intersection area being dry because foreplay wasn't done right?A bunch of potential mistakes crossed my mind, but those were all from my perspective.What kind of mistakes could she possibly be worried about making? Nothing came to mind.Still, trying to rack my brain a bit, I thought of a few minor hiccups··· but what came out of her mouth was a completely different category altogether.[FuckedUpMe: Um... you know what kind of genre I like, right?][hala: ? Yeah, I do]For a second I wondered what she was babbling about, but I nodded along anyway.It would've been much easier if she just called it 'sexual preference.'Seeing her beat around the bush like that, it seemed she was too embarrassed to state her tastes directly.Well, who could casually walk up and say, "I love getting beaten up and bullied!" with a straight face?[FuckedUpMe: My sex drive is pretty high, and my tastes are pretty firm too... I just felt like if we had normal sex, I wouldn't be satisfied... so I was worried that just in case, I might end up begging the other person for it..][hala: Begging them to bully you?][FuckedUpMe: ..Yeah]So··· she avoided having sex because she was afraid she'd make outrageous demands of her partner? Because her own tastes might slip out without her realizing it?What kind of bullshit was this about normal sex not satisfying her?Suddenly, a heroine from a certain doujinshi flashed through my mind. The one who went flying into the air, screaming Injeolson (My life is half ruined!) as she came.I distinctly remembered it being a pretty hardcore manga···"Ugh!"A sudden wave of a headache assaulted my head."Get out of my head!"I shouted, clutching my temples.Something harmful was invading my brain.Phew, I guess I really had been reading way too many doujinshis.Just seeing a related word made my brain react like Pavlov's dog.I needed to cut back. Ah, come to think of it, the world had changed now so I couldn't even read those mangas anymore.Fucking hell.Anyway, even while I was having those thoughts, the other person kept talking.[FuckedUpMe: Anyway, that's why I ran away ㅠㅠ]So she bolted purely because she was afraid her tastes would be exposed.Yet I still didn't understand. Can't you just say it honestly?[hala: Can't you just be honest and say it? I'm sure the other person would understand.][FuckedUpMe: No way!][hala: Why now again;][FuckedUpMe: Because it's embarrassing. What if the guy doesn't understand? Things would get so awkward. And what if he goes around spreading rumors!]"···Seriously such a hassle."Staring at the chat window, I pinched the bridge of my nose. Was this really the same Eunbyul?Where had that sociable girl gone, leaving only a total coward standing in front of me?Well, I suppose there was always the possibility that the partner's tastes wouldn't match up.I might be open-minded enough to accept it, but not everyone else would be.Still, that should've been the end of it. Hardly anyone would go out of their way to spread rumors about something like that.Had she gotten burned badly by someone in the past? Suddenly curious, I asked her.[hala: Did you get tangled up with some weird bastard before or something? Like it became a trauma..][FuckedUpMe: No, nothing like that. I've never even been to bed with another guy. Hell, this was my first time even getting close to the mood for sex.]"Oh."I was briefly impressed this time.A virgin? Right, virginity was important.It was a slightly unexpected fact.Given how sociable she was, especially as a 'woman' in this world, I figured she'd be full of thoughts about how to devour men one way or another. My favorability toward Eunbyul ticked up just a tiny bit in my heart.Yet, things were just as frustrating as before.Then why on earth was she being so overly cautious?As I was thinking that, the other person spoke up again.[FuckedUpMe: Well... my family is pretty matriarchal. I grew up constantly hearing things like, 'Women must always be dependable. Women must always look dignified.' So...]What was a matriarchal family··· was this the alternate-world version of patriarchal?Hearing a word I'd never encountered in my life gave me a brief moment of cognitive dissonance, but I quickly caught on.It was a plausible story.Well, nowadays gender equality and all that had reduced a lot of it. But that didn't mean those deeply ingrained notions had vanished entirely.Some people had roles based on gender drilled into them from childhood.And in this world, 'women' were the ones assigned the role of knights.[FuckedUpMe: Because of that, it felt kind of reluctant to reveal it. Honestly, an M-leaning woman doesn't really feel dependable, right? It doesn't suit the image either..]Something thick and gooey was leaking out from the text.[FuckedUpMe: Honestly, it's not like I wanted to have tastes like this either...]In that last reply she sent, there felt like some genuine emotion mixed in.As if venting her unfair grievances. As if refusing to accept the pessimistic parts of herself.Gloomy and negative emotions felt palpable right through the text.Hearing all that, I nodded to myself.I see.So this was your true inner feeling. The secret she'd been keeping bottled up inside.A woman with those kinds of tendencies doesn't feel reliable. Lacks dignity and dependability.In other words, not 'womanly' enough.That was what she had been thinking.Honestly, I couldn't relate, but it was a secret I could understand.That was why she had tightly suppressed her own desires and kept them safely tucked away in the deepest corner of her heart.[FuckedUpMe: ...Still, talking about it like this makes me feel a bit relieved]The only place to display your desires was inside the internet.Here, you couldn't see the other person's face, their voice, or anything else.Since everyone carried such thick walls around them, it was paradoxically a place where you could comfortably spill the stories resting in the absolute deepest parts of your heart.That was what the internet was.And that was how I was able to uncover her secret.[hala: I see.]There was a brief silence.Having checked all the chats, I simply bobbed my head and didn't send any further replies after that.Mainly because I needed a moment to think myself.The person known as 'FuckedUpMe,' who used to spew her desires out from her room, turned out to be Eunbyul. Honestly, it was a dynamic that still didn't quite click in my head.The gap between her in reality and her on the internet was just that massive.How was I supposed to treat her from now on—that question floated around in my head like blooming lotus flowers.What pulled me out of my thoughts was the chat window chiming once more.[FuckedUpMe: So what should I do ㅠㅠㅠ We broke the mood and parted ways like that]Before I knew it, the conversation had looped right back to the starting point.From me listening to her inner thoughts, I was back to being the one listening to her worries.They looked similar at a glance, but the subject matter was entirely different.[FuckedUpMe: How can I even face her awkwardly ㅠㅠㅠ Even if I was drunk, I was the one who ran away. What must he be thinking of me ㅠㅠ]Come to think of it, I hadn't run into Eunbyul since back then. It had already been two days since Monday.So that was why; she had been actively avoiding running into me.I briefly imagined Eunbyul's perspective from my own viewpoint.At the peak of a heating atmosphere··· right when a woman had even granted access to her body, for me to just bolt away.What would a woman think?She'd be like, 'What the fuck?'The answer came immediately.She'd probably wonder if I had no sex drive, or think she lacked any charm.Moreover, some bullshit excuse like, "I was just thinking of your precious body..." wouldn't fly in a situation like this.If she'd had thoughts like that, she would've quietly refused right on the spot instead of running away.I'd only thought about it for a second, but Eunbyul, having actually fled in reality, must have been drowning in all sorts of thoughts.[FuckedUpMe: What should I do? ㅠㅠ]"······Hmm."Pondering for a moment, I gave her this reply:[hala: Just apologize.]Giving a helpless response like, "Won't the other person understand?" here would be the worst possible move.Instead of that, it was better to hand down a proper solution.Besides, that made it much easier for me to smooth things over with our relationship too.[FuckedUpMe: Apologize? But how am I supposed to apologize?][hala: You said you were super drunk back then, right? You can just use that as an excuse to say sorry. Say you were wasted at the time and your memory is kind of fuzzy. But you feel like you definitely messed up somewhere. Anyway, you're sorry.][FuckedUpMe: ..Will that even work?]Who knows.Normally, of course it wouldn't.How could an apology work when you don't even properly know what you did wrong?However, I was planning to accept it. I had already figured out how I was going to respond.And it was a pretty decent answer, too.A way to make the events of that day completely vanish into thin air without having to dig up her embarrassing mistakes.A way to turn it all into a secret shared only between the two of us."Ha, I'm just too nice, so I'll let it slide."Muttering to myself, I sent the reply back to her.[hala: It'll work. It works, so just trust me once and try apologizing.][FuckedUpMe: Hmm..... Okay. Since you put it that way... and I didn't have any other options anyway.]Thankfully, she seemed willing to listen to me.[FuckedUpMe: Since it's late today... I'll try meeting up and talking to you in person tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me till this late hour.][FuckedUpMe: Well then, bye.]With that final farewell, she disappeared. Looks like she was finally going to bed. Since it was already past 12, she needed to get some sleep if she wanted to survive tomorrow.···Is she coming over to apologize tomorrow, then?I fell into thought, staring at the last message she sent.I'd learned a whole lot of things in the span of just today.How to treat her moving forward.Thinking about that automatically gave me a headache."Ah whatever, I'll think about it later."Pondering it briefly, I just hurled myself flat onto the mattress.Trying to figure it out now would only tangle my brain further.And it was way too late.The clock had already pushed past 12 and was pointing at 3 AM.Listening to her ramble endlessly had made time fly right by.For the sake of tomorrow, I needed to sleep now.As for Eunbyul···I could just think about it tomorrow.Still, I could take away one absolute certainty.I had secured another card to eventually devour her.