Illegal Medical Practice
"Now, now, drink it up, gulp gulp! Sniff! Sniff! That's the way!"
People plunged their faces into Clementine's jar, thick smoke billowing out, and began inhaling deeply.
"Cough, hack—my throat hurts so much!"
"You're doing great. That's just the pain of it getting better! Next person!"
Even back on Earth, toothaches had been a massive headache for humanity since ancient times.
The ancient people before the Common Era thought toothaches came from ghosts or tiny worms.
And somehow, I'd ended up in a bizarre worldview where tooth ghosts were dismissed as superstition, but tooth worms were taken as gospel truth.
"Gack, cough—don't push! I need more!"
"Hey, mister, ease up and make way! Huh? Think of the people behind you!"
The smoke was carbon monoxide from incomplete combustion—a one-way ticket to hell. But the crowd inhaled it eagerly, coughing like they were getting steam treatment in an ENT clinic, desperate for every last bit of that hazy goodness.
Ancient Babylonians burned a mix of beeswax and asafoetida seeds to produce smoke that supposedly drove out tooth worms. Clementine's jar seemed born from the same wild idea.
It'll do absolutely nothing.
This wasn't even alternative medicine—it was closer to blind faith. Any ENT or pulmonologist from Earth would flip out and have a seizure at the sight.
But with the crowd so enthusiastically on board, I couldn't just shut it down recklessly. Walter would be back soon with someone from the territorial office anyway.
"Director, were you here?"
"Walter? How'd you come alone?"
"Not alone, Miner! I'm here too!"
Res poked its head out from Walter's arms, but it wasn't the one I was looking for. I roughly patted the head of Res, who gazed up at me with eyes full of eager anticipation.
"Where's the territorial office guy?"
Walter squeezed in beside me and shook his head, whispering in my ear.
"The territorial office says it doesn't qualify as illegal medical practice."
"What the... I mean, what are you talking about? They obviously don't have a business license."
I couldn't believe the office was letting this tooth-pulling circus slide.
"Even looking at the whole continent, tooth-pullers are so rare that you don't need a business license to avoid breaking any laws."
"This is ridiculous..."
At this point, shoving your face in the jar and huffing smoke didn't seem so bad. Hell, if it stopped there, I'd have no complaints.
But expectations, like wet tissue paper, always tear apart so easily.
"Looks like they're about to start. If you want, Director, I can split the stage in half."
"No, let's watch a bit longer."
Honestly, I wasn't even sure Walter had that kind of power, and if he did, Rachel from the office or the tooth-pullers would throw a fit demanding compensation. It was all predictable, but we had to wait it out.
Once a real medical injury from tooth-pulling happens, that's when I step in. Slim chance, but maybe they actually have some isekai-unique technique or magic that works.
Whoosh! Pffft! Squeee—
"Amazing! That flute's gonna make my spirit leave my body!"
"The acrobats are incredible too! How do they bend like that?"
The shrill, impossible high notes from the flute and the acrobats now launching into mid-air juggling pushed the crowd's excitement to a fever pitch.
"Now! Behold the main event: genuine tooth-pulling! Those afraid of the pain—don't worry! Painless extraction has arrived! Straight from Clementine Tooth-Pulling!"
Amid the blaring flute and acrobatic frenzy, Clementine reintroduced himself like a grand showman, and the crowd chanted his name with thunderous applause.
"What the hell is this bullshit! Hey, you con artist fuck! As if painless tooth-pulling exists anywhere!"
Unlike my anxiety over people rushing to yank their teeth, rationality existed here too. No need for micro-expressions—the guy's furrowed brow and protruding lips screamed bad attitude. The face of someone who'd eat a full meal and still demand a refund without shame.
As the surly, hairy man stood and caused a ruckus, the music stopped, and the juggling halted.
Good. If this guy pushes a little harder, I won't even need to intervene!
A bit more effort from the surly man, and this miracle tooth-pulling show would curtain call. I sent silent, heartfelt cheers his way.
"Hahaha, misunderstandings happen sometimes!"
Clementine broke the heavy silence, his face full of bewilderment.
"How about this? If I pull your tooth and you feel any pain? I'll give you one gold right then!"
Confidence oozed from Clementine's expression. Even micro-expressions showed he had something up his sleeve.
What the hell is he so sure about? Actual tooth-pulling magic?
True to isekai form, maybe some medical tech I didn't know. I held a sliver of hope, about as much as Res's patience.
"Pfft, one gold? Who do you take me for, some gold-less peasant fuck?"
Unlike Clementine's expectations, the burly surly man wasn't backing down.
"I swear on my family's name—if there's no pain, I'll say so honestly. But if there is? You'll cough up ten gold. Chicken out if you're scared."
"Uh... not one gold, but ten?"
"Scared?"
At the surly man's magic word, Clementine hesitated. The musicians and acrobats fidgeted, eyes on him.
Ten gold? No way he'll bite. Even with anesthesia, dental work sucks.
"Deal! If I cause you any pain during the pull? Ten gold on the spot!"
"Woooah!"
"Clementine's the real deal!"
"He's a god!"
Clementine smiled at the crowd's fiery cheers, raising his spread hand to quiet them.
"But! If it's truly painless as promised! Then dance by my side till the show's end! Sing that tooth-pulls don't hurt. Like this!"
Clementine waddled in a ridiculous frog-like shuffle. The crowd cheered, but the surly man just glared.
Surly bro, hang in there! You've got fans cheering you on!
I sent more silent support.
"Fine! Show me what you got!"
"Hahaha! Excellent! Music—play on!"
Clementine snapped his fingers. Juggling resumed, flutes wailed wildly.
"Goddamn, where'd this con artist come from?"
As the surly man climbed the stage, venting fury at Clementine, the showman smirked and raised one hand skyward. The acrobats tossed tools from their belts; Clementine caught one seamlessly—a massive, ironclad wrench like pliers.
No way he's yanking with that raw? Time to stop this?
A tooth lost for ten gold—not a baby tooth, but a permanent one for life. Priceless beyond gold. As I rose—
I saw it. Their beaming smiles at each other.
"Here we go! Everyone, count with me! Three! Two!"
""One!""
Pliers that could rip rebar from concrete. The surly man's face didn't twitch. He wiggled thick fingers between his teeth in mock surprise, and Clementine gently placed the gripped tooth in his flailing hand.
"N-No way! Not even a bit! Not a bit of pain! I swear on my mother's name at home—not a single ache! Clementine's a god! God of Tooth-Pulling!"
"Woooo!"
"Clementine!"
"Look at me, Clementine!"
"Pull mine toooo!"
...Fucking bastards, all in on it.
I hadn't noticed till the surly man stood. Not just musicians and acrobats—three shills in the crowd, and the surly prick. All plants.
"How's that! The miracle Clementine Tooth-Pulling, shown for you all! Just five silver! Buy the curse-scroll against tooth worms too? Seven silver! Add the asafoetida-and-myrrh-paste ointment? Nine silver ninety copper! Less than a gold to escape toothache! Now—"
Clementine inhaled like a sky turtle pre-flight, then bellowed.
"Form a line!"
"I got toothache!"
"Me, been waiting!"
"Line up! Line!"
A line formed instantly. Predictably, the shills took spots one, two, three.
Fourth onward are real patients.
Micro-expressions showed clueless noble young masters mixed in.
"Don't worry, patients. Plenty of asafoetida-myrrh paste left! Not unlimited since I didn't stock extra, but..."
At least through number four, right?
"Through the fourth patient, yes!"
"R-Really? Good. My little brother hates brushing."
Of course. Number four, already hooked, grinned oblivious to the net.
"Hey, you—what? Can't you see the line?"
"Line up! Then let me help. But the dimwits thought I was cutting, raising hell. Extreme patience deployed, I shoved past relentlessly.
Shills one through three done. Pliers poised for number four's mouth, I broke through the line and mounted the stage.
"Ahem. Ahh!"
Clearing my throat, I bellowed from the gut.
"This fucker's a scammer!"