8. Losers and Tteokbokki
"Mmm, that was delicious. The chef there might be a total loser, but their tteokbokki and donkatsu skills are out of this world. Pretty decent for a loser. My refined palate prefers foie gras and caviar, of course, but it wasn't half bad."
I walk down the hallway, sucking the sauce off my fingers with loud smacks.
"Was it that good?"
"You wouldn't get it, Lion, 'cause you're such a loser? That tteokbokki is insanely good. Even Alfred Nobelpia, the world-famous tteokbokki expert, raved about it!"
Not that it's official—she was infiltrating... or whatever when I fed it to her. But I can still picture her scarfing it down like someone who'd starved for five days to sneak into enemy territory. How good must it have been to make her cry while eating?
"Oh, Nobelpia. That magical girl, right."
"Yeah! And look, there she goes! Hey!"
Alfred Nobelpia passes right in front of us—familiar purple hair, bright yellow hairpin, wearing her Darkness combat suit. I even wave, but she doesn't notice. Super loser move, totally unforgivable... but whatever, I'll let it slide.
"Who... am I...? I wanna... go... home..."
She mumbles with lifeless eyes. Hmm, she's having one of her episodes again. She says it's some kind of brainwashing aftereffect...
"Home... Mom... wanna go..."
"Ugh, that attention-seeker is at it again. Here, go buy some tteokbokki and head home for once. I know your parents called us 'cause you got a job and never go back. They keep asking if we kidnapped and brainwashed you into joining an evil organization as a grunt."
Lion hands her a few bills, and life sparks back into Alfred Nobelpia's eyes.
"Yay, thank you!"
She clutches the money like treasure and bolts for the cafeteria. Drool pooling on the floor—yeah, she's off for tteokbokki. Hope she doesn't spill it on the Darkness server again like last time. It crashed everything, and Doctor chewed her out hard. Fingers crossed she learned her lesson.
"Worried that middle-school syndrome of hers will ever go away. Anyway, where are we headed now?"
"To Doctor, obviously."
In my last fight with Chae Sua, her arrogant little shit robot legion vanished into thin air. And the Tyrannosaurus Suit had its arms completely torn off. The robots were modeled after brilliant, dignified me, so they'll be fine wherever. But the suit? Time to grill Doctor. How does she give me such garbage gear? Back in old Joseon days, this would've been lingchi execution and wiping out three generations. I'm an elite fighter, but crappy equipment makes it tough. Not that I lost, obviously. Just sayin'.
The end of the third-floor hallway in the Darkness Korea Branch. The most heavily guarded spot. This is Doctor's central lab—the heart of Darkness, accessible only to me, Doctor, Lion, and a few losers!
A boxy robot like a kid's toy waddles out holding a pad.
> BEEP. Identity verification required. Please answer the questions on the pad below.
YES
NO
This is Darkness's cutting-edge biometric security system. Sneaky losers trying to break into Doctor's lab all check YES and get dragged off by guards.
I confidently go for NO... then stop.
"What're you doing? Hurry up and press it."
Hold on. Is this a trap? A chill runs down my spine—my genius brain just figured it out!
Yes! It's a trap! Loser Doctor's so pathetically scared of intruders she set a double trap. Think about it: We're an evil organization. We torment people for emotion energy. So we're the bad guys, right? Plus, Doctor said I'm not even human—some clone or superior being. Not a "person" at all.
Putting my brilliant deductions together: I am a bad person! Even I'm awed by my own intellect.
"What're you doing? I can't reach. Just hit NO already."
Heh heh heh. Not bad for a loser Doctor—double trap in the security. Nearly fooled even me. But not quite!
"Loser Doctor's lame trap is nothing to me♥"
"Wait, did you hit YES last time too 'cause of some dumb idea and forget already? Hold on, wait!"
Loser Lion doesn't get it♥ No time to explain anyway—too annoying, and her peanut brain wouldn't grasp it. Actions speak louder.
I dramatically mash YES. Clunk! The door doesn't open... doesn't open?
Huh?
"Dodge, you idiot!"
Loser Lion suddenly freaks and dives aside. Instead of the door opening, a cartoonish trapdoor pops open in the floor!
"Gyaahhh! This lame traaap!"
Falling! Falling! Fallingggg! Stupid gravity yanks me down! Let go, you lame gravity! You physics laws! Go drop apples in an orchard or something!
"Gah, seriously! You did this last time too?! How's your memory worse than a goldfish?!"
Luckily spared Lion jumps into the trap!
"Why're you jumping in, loser?!"
My tough body can handle it, but loser Lion can't!
"Gah, you stupid loser!"
I scoop Lion into my arms and hug tight.
"Hang on, Lion! There should be a soft mattress down there soon!"
Like in cartoons! Hope it's fluffy duck feather—I'm classy like that.
"Mattress my ass! Watch out!"
"Gyaahhh!"
Sudden impact—I squeeze Lion tight and shut my eyes. But... no wind? I peek: I'm floating midair!
"Wh-what? Am I... flying?!"
Did lame gravity finally submit? Lame gravity♥ Lame physics♥ Time to believe in blood type personality♥ Talk nice to water♥
Hugging Lion, I drift slowly—so slowly—to the bottom. Can't control direction or speed, but I'm flying! Great me conquered lame physics and the sky!
"You're not flying—I'm... ugh, whatever. You okay? Good."
First time flying for sure for loser Lion, so I cuddle her while floating for minutes. Finally land at the trap bottom. How deep did loser Doctor dig this thing?
"Sigh... Tyranno, you again?"
Doctor trudges from the tunnel connected to the trap bottom.
"See, Lion? I was right!"
Doctor being here means this is her central lab! The question was a trap! And she swapped the door for a floor trap—pure genius loser move. Not that my deduction was wrong; I just underestimated her lameness.
Loser Doctor♥ Ultimate loser♥
"How's that, Doctor? My perfect deduction!"
I explain the truth like a detective in a mystery novel unveiling the culprit's trick!
"...Sigh, Lion. You have it rough."
Huh? Hey, loser Doctor—that was all me. Why praise Lion? 'Cause arrogant little shit cops'll nab you♥
"But Doctor, why move the lab way down here?"
"Move? Didn't move. Central lab's still up top."
"Ehh? Then why'd you come down?"
"Alert said intruder trap activated at the main door, so I rushed. And yep, you two."
Doctor strides over. Uh-oh, that look... just like Chae Sua's when flicking arrogant little shits' foreheads!
Run! Time to use my new skill.
"Flyyy! Up!"
Huh? I yelled with all my heart, but won't lift even 10cm off the ground.
"Flyyy!"
Bouncing in place—no dice! Lame gravity clings tight! Let go!
Like the fairy from the fairy tale who lost her wings. Doctor reaches me, grabs my squishy cheeks, and stretches 'em like mochi.
"I told you last time? You've disabled almost every security in my central lab. Just check NO and come in. I told you. Forgot already? That was three days ago!"
"Ow, owwwww! Doctor!"
Ugh! If knuckle flicks are #1 punishment for arrogant little shits, cheek-pinching is #2. Natural predator!
"L-let gooo! Ow! Hic!"
This hurts! Sharp pain sinks deep. Tears well up unwillingly.
"Ngh... mm... ah..."
My pitiful tears soften her? She stops pinching my national treasure cheeks, face visibly flushing as she realizes her sin.
"Damn, you're too cute... Ahem. Anyway, let's go up."
We take the elevator at the trap bottom to Doctor's central lab. Doors open to the vast chamber: thick power cables dangling like jungle vines, drones zipping around transporting data and collecting info. Walls crammed with data pads displaying weird graphs and numbers.
Doctor sits at her desk in the center.
"So, Tyranno. What's up this time? Suit issues again?"
"Oh yeah, that's it."
Forgot for a sec.
"Loser Doctor! The Tyrannosaurus Suit and arrogant little shit robot legion are too weak! Couldn't land a single hit on Chae Sua!"
Good thing my genius tear gas worked! Anyone else would've been toast!
"Yeah, that was unexpected. Chae Sua's way stronger than I thought. Video analysis has limits. Even suit data's insufficient—fight was too short, she dominated too hard."
"Exactly! If not for me, disaster!"
"So... don't fight Chae Sua for a while."
"...Ehh?"
Wait, Doctor? Unexpected! She's strong, sure, but not my match?
"Not never. But we need more data on her. Send grunts for now to gather it. No Chae Sua fights for you."
"Then me? What do I do? You got something big for me, right?"
I'm VIP in Darkness. Super hard paperwork? Money stuff? HR? Sounds important—greet at the gate with a bow?
Doctor strokes my head instead.
"Rest or fight other magical girls for now. Once we have enough data and build proper weapons, then you fight. Got it?"
"...Yeah."
Loser Doctor consoles me, but I'm still bummed. Tormenting losers outside is my fave! Seeing their fear and awe—pure bliss! And Chae Sua! Backing off now feels like admitting defeat! Lion, Doctor—why underestimate me? Losers! Just watch—I'll reclaim my whip from her for sure!