42
Lion and I have come down to Earth right now. What a beautiful day. The sun's shining bright, with just the right amount of clouds keeping the temperature perfect. The air's so clean, without a speck of fine dust, it even feels refreshing. It's not like it's been ages since I last came to Earth, so why does it feel like ancient history? Maybe because so much has happened in the few days since I came and went. Yeah, a ton of stuff went down. Lion transformed into her human form and stole loads of my baby batter. I got my whip back, too. But now it's time to work.
"Man, it's been a while since I felt this vibe. That unbearable stench of losers. Tremble at my feet, you scum!" Crack! "Eek!"
A wide park. I climb up on a bench to show off my majestic presence to the world, while the dozen or so civilians I personally grabbed and tied up tight with rope shake in terror. From teens to thirties. The hostages are from various age groups, but they all share one thing in common: they're all women. I just grabbed random people passing by nearby, and they all turned out to be girls. Well, women do produce better emotion energy than men, so not a bad haul. These losers with baby brains instead of proper ones in their heads fall head over heels just looking at this body's stunning beauty and hand over their emotion energy like candy. Easy peasy, losers lol.
"My name is Mesugaki Tyranno! The mesugaki of all mesugakis! Behold this body's majesty! And despair, you losers!"
I spread my arms wide on the bench, broadcasting my greatness to everyone. One hand gripping my fearsome whip, face twisted in the most pissed-off scowl. It's gotta look dignified, like some ancient statue. You know the one. That peanut statue or donut statue or whatever.
"Ugh, seriously... Good thing I came in cat form. If I'd come as a human, I'd probably die of embarrassment."
Lion, sitting on the ground, covers her eyes with her front paws and sighs. Gotta be blinded by my halo. I'll buy her some sunglasses later.
"Hey, losers! Any last words before you turn into emotion energy spewing dispensers?!"
Of course, I'm just talking big—I'll untie them all later, hand out thank-you gifts, surveys for stars and reviews, even run a review event. Once I let these losers go, they'll blab to their friends and on the internet about how great and powerful Tyranno-sama is. Evil genius plan, right?
"H-Hooaa... You're gonna let us live...? I haven't finished the novel where the bird drinks poison yet..."
"Dying to a mesugaki... Isn't this an honor?"
"Please spare us! My meat shield husband, locked in the basement for confinement, chastity, and dark sex training, is waiting for me to come back!"
Uh, what was that last one...? That girl's not getting freed—she needs to go straight to the cops.
"You naughty one. You're off to the police uncle."
I swing my arm, and the whip flies out, wrapping around the woman's neck with a whip! I mash the button on the handle, and electricity crackles from the whip, frying her to a crisp golden brown!
"Gaaah!"
The woman passes out from the merciless shock. Lion bites her scruff and drags her off to dump in a corner of the park. Perfect. Filtered out the unrecyclable trash, now I can harvest emotion energy freely.
"But Tyranno, how are you gonna collect the emotion energy?"
"Good question, loser cat. I borrowed a super special gadget from the Doctor."
It was a real hassle to borrow this powerful, dangerous thing. But after some serious effort, I snagged it without anyone noticing—not even the Doctor knows it's gone.
"It's a ray gun that casts all kinds of nasty jinxes."
Looks just like a kid's bubble gun with a tiny display screen slapped on. But looks can be deceiving. The moment I pull out the ray gun, I feel the emotion energy starting to gather. Losers instinctively know. Just seeing this scary ray gun freezes their bodies and pounds their hearts. If there was a mentally weak loser here, they'd probably wet themselves and faint on the spot.
"Lemme explain this ray gun's powers in a way even losers can get."
I found this awesome song on YouTubeO, saved it to listen later, but it got deleted so I can't hear it again and forgot the name—that jinx. Turn on the computer to search for some curse, but forget the keyword midway and just search "what was it again"—that jinx. The crosswalk light turns red right in front of you—that jinx. Your speech pattern turns into "this guy www my brain's broken www"—that jinx. All your favorite novels go on indefinite hiatus—that jinx. Your phone's AI assistant turns into a mesugaki—that jinx. Your teeth ache every time you eat ice cream—that jinx. Forced to live as a solo forever—that jinx. Turn into a third-rate premature ejaculation loser viewer—that jinx. And so on—over three hundred terrifying jinxes, each one horrifying just from the description.
Every time I explain one gruesome jinx, the hostages' faces fill with terror, and massive emotion energy fills the tank. Satisfying results. The tank's already over halfway full. This much should hold me for a while.
"Ebi♥ So who wants to be the first to taste this scary ray gun♥"
I aim the ray gun at the hostages. They tremble and squirm to avoid the barrel.
"Hieeek..."
"Get away from me!"
"No room here!"
"Dom Hwangcha!"
Every time the hostages bite and curse at each other, more emotion energy piles up. Hehehe. Feels like herding fish or chicks. Like watching tiny, wriggling cute critters.
"Shaking like leaves at this little gun♥ Big bodies, but minds worse than monkeys, you babies♥ Who should I shoot first♥ Where should I blast ya♥"
I deliberately fire the ray gun at a spot with no hostages. Pop pop pop pew! A roar like a savanna polar bear! The beam misses them and hits a sparrow hanging from a tree instead.
Loser♥
"Now that sparrow's a mesugaki..."
It flies off crying "Loser♥ Loser♥". But the jinx it got wasn't "become a mesugaki," it was "can't lie." Why'd it say loser? Only mesugakis say loser. By the three-section staff logic, all sparrows are mesugakis...? Nah, not important, moving on.
"Eek!"
"No mesugakis!"
I aim the ray gun at the remaining humans and declare like a judge sentencing death.
"Loser lives end here♥ Suffer weird jinxes your whole pathetic remaining life♥" Pop pop pop pew!
Lion and I walk down a busy street in the park. If people recognized me as a wicked Darkness villain, magical girls might swarm, but of course, nothing happens. Thanks to the necklaces around me and the loser cat's necks. They emit powerful perception-blocking magic waves that make people unable to recognize us, or so they say. No half-assed magical girl can detect the waves, let alone break them. Only top-ten strongest in Korea can. But logically, what's the odds of bumping into one of those on the street? Korea's got fifty million people—fat chance the random passerby is a top-ten magical girl. One in a thousand? One in ten thousand? Even less. If it happens, time to buy lottery tickets.
"That was fun. Loaded up on emotion energy. Saw tons of hilarious losers. You saw those losers shaking too, right Lion♥ Totally funny♥ Puhpuphpuh♥"
Remembering the losers' faces properly zapped by the ray gun makes me laugh again. Especially when soap bubbles came out instead—boing boing! The blank-stupid face when a rainbow bubble popped right in front—gut-busting.
"Logically speaking♥ There's no way I'd actually do that naughty stuff for real♥ Falling for every word from a little kid like this♥ Pathetic losers, seriously♥"
I asked the Doctor to mod the ray gun ahead of time. Asking the Doctor to mod a ray gun I "borrowed" from her without her knowing might sound dumb. But I tricked her perfectly, saying it was just a toy. Even the smart loser Doctor fell for Tyranno-sama's talents—scary scary♥ She sighed big when I asked, but probably just my imagination?
"But why didn't you actually shoot the ray gun?"
Loser cat's sharper than she looks.
"What're you talking about? No way would good good Tyranno-sama do real naughty stuff."
Jinxes like becoming a mesugaki or eternal solo life—using those for real makes you not a villain, but a criminal. Might even get my butt spanked by the Doctor.
"Hmm. But that's weird. I've never used jinxes, yet why are there so many people living as eternal solos forever?"
"Psh, no way. Probably just some asshole Darkness villain trolling on the internet. Logically, solos don't exist. More believable that a wang-tae-chastity-milf actually exists."
Right? No such thing as solos.
"Anyway, I'm done with work, so buy me that phone now."
Yeah. That was my real goal. Collecting emotion energy was just a side thing. The true reason we came down today? Lion promised to buy me a phone!
"Phone phone. You promised yesterday, loser."
Phone♥ Phone♥ Once I get a legit phone, first thing: adult verification with Doctor or Lion's resident number on NoNoPia♥
"Fine fine. Stop whining. You've been on about it since morning. Someone'd think I wasn't gonna buy it."
"You haven't till now."
"That's why I'm buying it now. But there's a problem. Tyranno, you don't have a resident ID, so can't sign up at a normal store."
What's the big deal with this resident ID thing? No ID, no phone, no NoNoPia verification?
"So we gotta go to a shop that specializes in that stuff. It's a bit far. Not super far, but we gotta walk some."
"Okay okay. And?"
"So how about we grab food on the way?"
Hmm... Something feels off. Every word, every expression from Lion reeks of hidden agenda and fishiness. But eh, what could it be?
"Fine, food first. Can't handle hunger, you loser cat♥"