41
41. This time, I really flopped face-down on my bed in my room, phone in hand, lost in thought. The founding village chief of the modern nation-state of Huanzeguo, Prince Confucius, left behind these words:
"Losers♥ who can't even read one book a day should choke on thorns and get the hell out♥"
And Kim Hitler, the prime minister of Atlantis, once said something similar:
"A loser♥ who's read even just one book is a reliable kind of loser♥"
I don't usually care for the musty old sayings that geezers with canes drag around like badges of honor, but I kinda like what Confucius said. Why? 'Cause I always read steadily on Nonopia! Sure, I can't get past their mesugaki-discriminating age verification for 19+ stuff, and I don't have the cash for a Nobelplus membership, so my options are super limited. But even in these tough times, I make sure to read at least one novel a day, no skips.
Don't they owe a hardworking reader like me a free Nobelplus membership? Barging into Nonopia's evil company, sucking up all their emotional energy, dumping spicy rice cakes on their servers, and holding a poetry slam—wouldn't that be totally justified? Anyway, to keep those loser thorns from sprouting in my mouth, I'm reading webnovels today too.
"A childhood friends pure-love story suddenly dropping a Gold Sun NTR ending? What the hell is this?"
Gwahhh... After over 200 chapters of serialization, not even a 19+ side story, no sleeping together scenes, just fluffy childhood friends pure love. And then they hit us with a Gold Sun NTR ending? Is this something a human being would do? How do you take a novel you've serialized for free for 200 chapters—something everyone loved—and end it with NTR?
The comments section is exploding with over a thousand replies, burning hotter than hellfire.
The public's outrage is skyrocketing because of that troll comment from the author.
"This isn't human. No person could pull something like this. Maybe a villain's work?"
Come to think of it, I've heard rumors. Instead of stealing emotional energy from the real world, there are villains who pull nasty stunts online to harvest it. Posting shitty aggro bait on the internet. Ruining popular novels with grimdark drifts, BL drifts, or NTR endings. Uploading super sad stories at dawn to make everyone cry. You can safely assume 99.99% of the people writing that horrific crap online are Darkness villains. Makes sense, right? No sane person would waste hours of their time just to piss off strangers they've never met. It's all the work of Darkness villains.
"You... submit an apology letter to Darkness... This should do for the DM."
Is it "apology letter" or "reflection statement" for when office workers screw up? Apology letter, yeah?
"Okay. Sending to the loser."
I mashed the send button and tossed my phone aside.
"Haaah... So boooring."
Now that I've got my whip back, holing up in Darkness for days is making me antsy. I'm technically Darkness staff, and even if it's a loser organization, when in loser country, follow loser laws—lots of restrictions. Like attending executive meetings... Doctor handles that. Submitting reports to HQ? Doctor or Lion does it. Approving documents that need exec sign-off? Doctor again. No issues there.
The one problem: Donating a quota of emotional energy to Darkness every month. It's a directive from HQ. Grunts collect it, but for higher quotas, execs have to "voluntarily" donate too.
"They said voluntary donation, so why does Doctor nag me like it's mandatory? Does she actually hate me?"
I just wanna laze around forever on my cute, adorable, beautiful, noble, haughty Tyranno looks. It's voluntary, but she pushes like it's life or death. The nerve of that Doctor.
"Hmph. That rotten Doctor's just being petty, obviously."
Still, there's gotta be a reason if Doctor insists. During the dark era when Chae Sua stole my whip—aka Tyranno's dark ages—I skipped donations with excuses, but that's over now. Whip's back, so soon I'll head to Earth, reestablish Tyranno-sama's dignity, and rake in emotional energy.
"Where to this time? Hmm, it's been a while—maybe take the mesugaki legion and make a huge scene?"
I was propping my chin, pondering emotional energy schemes, when my door flew open and Lion strode in. White tank top, dolphin pants. Lately, she's been human-form more than cat. Not as stunning as this Tyranno-sama's beauty, but easy on the eyes. Plus, human form's more convenient for everything.
"Tyranno, I'm coming in."
"You're already in, dummy."
"So what. Between us."
"What 'us'? You think a loser cat subordinate gets to say that♥?"
We were chatting when something crucial hit me. Right—my phone! I rolled half a turn super quick, shoving it under my body. A bit slow, but loser cat probably didn't notice. Phew. Can't let her find out it's from Chae Sua. Close call.
"...Why're you belly-up like that?"
Guess my shirt rode up in the scramble.
"Hmm♥ Loser cat's eyeing me all pervy♥ You pervert♥ Should I call the cops♥?"
"Even in your room, wear clothes properly. You'll catch a cold."
"As if a loser cat like you gets to lecture me♥ No-knock loser manners♥ Not even basic courtesy, you loser♥!"
"Yeah, yeah, my bad."
Her tone's like an uncle humoring a troublemaker kid. Kinda bruises my pride.
"So what were you doing?"
"Uh? Oh, uh, y'know. Thinking about heading to Earth soon."
"Earth? Work stuff?"
Lion gets it right away, as expected.
"That, and it's time to show those loser Earth losers the glory of great Tyranno-sama. Otherwise, they might get 'Mesugaki Tyranno Withdrawal Syndrome'."
"Mesugaki Tyranno Withdrawal Syndrome? There's a disease like that?"
Lion chuckled heartily and plopped on the bed.
"There is."
If you catch Mesugaki Tyranno Withdrawal Syndrome, you get high fever, chills, coughs, runny nose, and eventually turn into a mesugaki boy. Scariest part? It's contagious. Bitten by a mesugaki, and boom—healthy person catches it, turns mesugaki, bites someone else... Terrifying. Only cured by a really painful knuckle flick, or it'll spark a mesugaki apocalypse.
"Ugh, my legs hurt. Scoot over, I'm lying down too."
Lion flopped back, making the mattress bounce.
"Heh♥ Casually lying on a boy's bed♥ Aren't you totally nuts♥?"
"Shut up. Gimme a pillow."
"Pillow?"
Where's a pillow... Oh, the long Shiba Inu one, but it's awkwardly placed. Pillow's on my left, Lion's on my right. Can't reach it.
"Nngh... Can't reach."
Stretched like a cat, but fingertips just barely miss. To grab it'd mean sitting up, risking phone exposure.
"Think I'd hand a pillow to a loser like you? No hands, no feet♥ Figure it out yourself, loser♥"
"Eh? Too lazy to get up. You're closer, just grab it."
"Hmph♥ I'm lazy too, nyah♥ Won't do it, whatcha gonna do♥ Losin'♥"
How's that for Tyranno-sama's fluent second language?
"Why not? Scared I'll find your hidden phone if you grab the pillow?"
"Kinda, but nyah♥ Just not gonna♥"
"Don't worry. I already know you secretly bought a phone."
"Wha, really? How'd you... Huh?"
She knew from the start...?
"If you were hiding it, do it the second I walk in."
Lion smirks slyly.
"Ah... Um... Y'see, this is..."
What do I say to keep my phone? Huge crisis! If I hadn't tasted phone convenience and internet joys, maybe, but now? No going back to phone-less dark ages! Nonopia webnovels are too fun! Think, brain, think!
Tiny salaryman Tyrannos scamper in my head. 'Deputy Kim Tyranno! Come up with an excuse quick!' 'No way, loser! I'm not working!' 'What?!'
Disaster! The only brain among tiny salaryman Tyrannos, Deputy Kim Tyranno, is striking! A strike? You blue-collar punk! Off to the Bitcoin mining camp! I clutch my head, groaning. No clever idea?
Lion smiles, reaches over, and pets my head.
"No need to worry. Not scolding you. I was wrong before. Time for Tyranno to get a proper phone."
"Really?!"
"Of course. We'll go buy one tomorrow."
"Yesss!"
Phone restoration! Crisis flipped to phone paradise. I thrash legs and arms in joy, blankets flying. Phone! I'm a real phone owner now. Hiding Chae Sua's gift was torture—no carefree use, anxious charging, late-night squinting. But with Lion buying official? No more suffering.
Who am I? Phone owner! Manners maketh man, huh? Wait, no. Lion said tomorrow, but I can't wait a minute. Going now!
"Hey Lion. How 'bout we go right now? Yeah? Let's go now!"
".......You're too damn cute."
Huh? Lion's face looks red. Think she said something, but my voice drowned it.
"Too late tonight. It's already 10 PM. Hardly any stores open. Tomorrow, tomorrow."
10 PM is late. Wandering now? Hag lady'd snatch naughty kids for squid skewers.
"Then tomorrow morning. Promise."
I stick out pinky.
"Yeah. Promise."
Our pinkies hook.
"Pinky promise. Stamp it. Copied and coated too."
Double-checking she won't forget. Lion smiles warmly, but phone's priority.
"Yep. Won't break it. Promise, stamp, copy, coat—all done."
And the most important:
"Break it, and we chop hands."
"Uh...?"
Even Peace Man broke a pinky promise and lost his. That Maldives dude who loves Maldives drinks got a rocket punch wrist for breaking one.
"Promise. Got it?"
"Uh, sure. Won't break it. Didn't see that coming. Oh, and since we're buying tomorrow, I'll take this phone."
Lion's hand slips under me, snatches the phone.
"Hey why! Two phones would be awesome. Double duty, y'know? More's better."
One for games, one for Nonopia. But Lion's firm.
"No. I'll buy you a better one. Confiscated."
Lion ruthlessly takes my phone.
"Tch, cheapskate."
"Is this Lion? Things are getting fun."