The Salt Doll Dissolving in the Sea
“Besides, didn’t you always say, Imperial Consort Cleo, that a woman’s lifelong fortune hinges entirely on marrying the right man? By your own logic, I must be the luckiest person in the whole world. The Young Duke of Castrein himself is my future husband, after all. His Imperial Majesty has such high hopes for us, too.”
“No matter how grand Duke Castrein’s house may be, Titania, do not forget where you live. You reside within the walls of this palace.”
“……”
“And no matter how fond His Majesty may seem of you, I am the one he adores. And Brian is the only child he considers his true son.”
Cleo savored the chill hardening Titania’s gaze, relishing every ounce of triumph in the moment.
If only you had stayed meekly by my side when I went through the trouble of playing the sweet mother for you—even if it was all a lie. You wouldn’t have ended up like this, abandoned even by your own flesh and blood.
Originally, Cleo had intended to coax Imperial Consort Elaine out of her seclusion on her own, pretending she had nothing to do with it. That seemed the easiest way to dupe Titania.
Yet Elaine had stayed cooped up for far too long.
And the Emperor’s weakness for breathtaking beauties was far too pronounced.
So Cleo concluded it would be far better to frame Elaine’s emergence from the palace as her own doing. Regal and principled as the Empress might be, even she couldn't stop a frail mother from stepping out after years of isolation to recuperate alongside her daughter. Even if Titania herself vehemently refused, it would make no difference. The Emperor was thoroughly enraptured by Elaine; he would never take Titania’s side over hers. And the Castrein family, mere in-laws by engagement, possessed no authority to meddle in such intimate imperial affairs.
Once Elaine and Titania vanished beyond the palace walls, the blame could simply be pinned on the Empress, framing it as an attempt to purge her rivals. If played right, it might even serve to place the Empress under permanent confinement.
Given the stature of her maternal house, killing the Empress or outright dethroning her might prove difficult. But locking her away like a living corpse? Child’s play. Just imagining the scene made Cleo want to burst into laughter then and there. With a capable new ally at her side, she feared nothing.
“Look at you, Titania. You truly are a blessed child.”
“…I find myself wondering if Your Highness will remain quite so blessed until the very end.”
At that, Cleo simply laughed in delight, mocking the desperate defiance in the girl's eyes as Titania fought to stand tall until the very last.
The suffocating dinner finally ground to an end, and the moment the audience with the consort was over, I fled the Imperial Palace.
All my vows never to use the secret passage unless faced with a dire emergency crumbled to dust. I simply had to run. Just standing inside the Rose Palace made my chest seize as though the air had been sucked away.
I knew Consort Cleo would keep a sharp eye on my movements after stirring up such a tempest, and that I ought to be cautious. Yet after calling Sarah and thrusting the task of fabricating an excuse onto her shoulders, I recklessly bolted.
Debbie led the way without uttering a single word. Once we slipped through the back door and reached the deserted alleyway beyond, I simply froze, staring blankly ahead. Cloaked in a hooded robe that shrouded my entire frame, no one would recognize me, and yet…
A warm summer breeze drifted past. Stars glittered across the open sky. The surroundings mirrored the night I had watched the fireworks, yet none of it felt real. A scream clawed at my throat, rage boiled in my chest, and at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to abandon everything and sink into an endless slumber.
Then came the sound of approaching footsteps. Cautious, measured, and agonizingly slow.
“…May I remain by your side?”
It was Raymon, clad not in his formal uniform, but in plain attire. His voice was laced with profound hesitation.
“As you likely know, that imperial ‘back door’ is hardly a proper gate. Disguised though you are, lingering in one spot carries risk. If you would permit me, I…”
“Did she hate Titania so deeply that she would take Consort Cleo’s hand?”
“……”
The question tumbled out without rhyme or reason, yet Raymon did not ask what I meant. My mind was an utter tangle.
I was no fool. I knew precisely what the horrified stares from the Empress and Adrian signified. I understood, better than anyone, the weight behind Cleo’s smug, triumphant declarations.
Imperial Consort Elaine had taken the hand Cleo offered. Whatever that implied.
“I thought… watching over me until I survived to adulthood… was her way of showing pity. That keeping me from falling entirely into Cleo’s clutches was her way of fulfilling a mother’s duty. That’s what I… I thought.”
My breath caught violently in my throat.
The words I had spoken while saving Bibi weren't lies. I had pitied Elaine. I had understood her plight. It wasn't as though she had reached out only to cast me away, nor had she ever deceived me. She had merely severed all ties, turning away completely so that no affection could take root…
She was waiting for death, but she hadn’t abandoned me entirely. Or so I had believed.
Yet was her pity, her mercy, granted solely because Titania was living a life worse than death itself? Was it only acceptable if she was a miserable wretch who had no need for a mother's warmth, no claim on a fiancé's devotion, and cast aside all the honeyed poison fed to her by a predatory consort?
“Did she find me so repulsive… unless I acted like a pathetic, transparent fool… whom anyone would look down on? Was I so offensive she felt compelled to crush me herself? Just because… I was a child she never wanted?”
Was a 'changed' Titania truly so abhorrent?
Was the mere sight of me struggling to live properly so unbearable?
Every time the thought crossed my mind, the air trapped itself in my chest. It felt as though someone had set fire to a dead woman’s coffin, forcing me to watch everything turn to roaring ash.
“……”
“Why?”
“……”
“Because she never wanted to give birth to me? Because I’m the blood of a despicable emperor? Because the man she loved died… the moment I came into this world?”
“Titania.”
“It's not like I asked to be born!”
The scream tore from my throat like a ragged sob. I gasped for air, panting hard, my vision spinning on the verge of collapse. Through the haze, I felt Raymon rush forward, pulling me into his arms. I lacked the strength to push him away. A tempest raged violently within me.
It was unreasonable.
Demanding love from an individual when the very world around them offered no foundation for it was utterly absurd.
I knew that.
I didn't need a parent's love. Even if I could never see them again, I had real parents in my memories who had loved me unconditionally. So I had told myself it was fine. That I just needed to work hard. To walk my own path, in my own way…
And yet, despite all of that…
“If she hated me that much… she should have just choked the life out of me with her own hands when I was a baby! If she loathed me so terribly… she should have just looked me in the eye and told me to go die!”
If she had?
Would 'Titania' have died then?
Was sparing me that cruelty supposed to be her mercy?
A hollow, wheezing laugh spilled past my lips at the sheer absurdity of still trying to rationalize her actions.
Look at you, acting so high and mighty. Serves you right.
Puffed up with resolve to ‘live differently’ just because of memories of a mom and dad you can never touch again. Serves you right. Shaken to your core the instant the mother who neglected you takes Cleo’s hand and bares her fangs. In the end, wasn't all your ‘I’m totally fine’ just pathetic self-brainwashing to keep yourself from getting hurt?
“Why… why did she have to hate me now? Because I went sniffing around the Licorice Palace, annoying her and claiming I wanted to see her? Because I craved her attention? Because… because I made Consort Cleo move differently?”
Did she despise the living, breathing Titania so intensely that she would cast aside even her own peaceful death just to spite me?
Ever since awakening to my past life, I genuinely believed I had navigated this mess well.
I believed I had left no room for regrets that would make me think, I shouldn't have done that. I had held my head high. I served the wicked their just deserts, took my petty revenges, atoned for the tantrums I threw when living as a royal brat, and let go of lingering attachments…
Yet Elaine's sudden move was the one catastrophe born purely out of my becoming 'different.'
Perhaps… perhaps it would have been better for Titania to die without ever knowing how profoundly her own mother despised her.
Whenever that thought surfaced, the breath vanished from my lungs, leaving me floundering like a fish ripped from the water and tossed onto dry land.
“It is not your fault. Please, Titania. Please… do not speak of yourself that way.”
Raymon caught hold of me, his face bleached paper-white. I hung limp in his grasp, like a marionette whose strings had been severed.
“You bear no guilt. None at all. Even if an error was made… the blame lies with everyone who abandoned you. It is my failing.”
I stared at him, numb and uncomprehending. Raymon wore an expression of sheer desperation, looking as though invisible hands were tightening around his throat.
“I am the greatest sinner of all for feigning ignorance while you were left to rot within the palace. While you suffered through such thoughts and festered from the inside out… I told myself that the only people I had to protect and answer for were within the duchy. That I lacked the leeway to shoulder your burden as well. That turning a blind eye was the proper course… No, those are nothing but excuses. I realized the truth far too late.”
The edges of Raymon’s lips trembled uncontrollably. My own wretched reflection stared back at me from his agonized, golden eyes.
A pathetic wreck, crumbling like a paper doll soaked in water. Yet while I didn't care whether those dissolved scraps of paper scattered to the winds, Raymon was acting as though he would desperately plunge his hands into the current to salvage every torn piece and paste them back together.
It was as if he had buried his emotions deep within his chest, holding them tight until the brittle cracks gave way, and now, unable to stem the flood, he could only vomit out the tempest raging inside him. As though he couldn't survive another second without letting it out. As though watching me decay from the inside out was an unbearable punishment carved into his soul.
“……”
“Whatever Imperial Consort Elaine chose to do, it is not your sin. No one… no one asks to be born into this world. If there is guilt to be borne, it belongs to the Emperor, not to you. And because the Imperial Family sought to keep our house in check through marriage, the fault lies with my family as well… Ignorance may be a fault, but it can never be right to demand accountability from a child whom no one ever bothered to teach.”
“……”
“I felt more at ease back when you threw tantrums and directed your anger at me. I thought that once you realized I could never be the ‘perfect fiancé’ you yearned for… an end that brought relief to everyone would finally arrive. Because I am not someone capable of saving others. Merely protecting the people inside my own circle exhausts me to my limits… That is why…”
Strangely, in that fleeting moment, Raymon looked just like a frightened child. He squeezed his eyes shut, a shudder running through his shoulders.
“……”
“I am sorry. I let go of your hand long ago, and I know it is nothing short of deceit for me to hide behind the hollow title of your fiancé now and beg you not to give up on yourself. Even so…”
“…………”
“Please, do not blame yourself. …That is all I ask.”
Feeling like a doll carved of salt dissolving into the dark sea, I listened to his plea in a daze. You have no reason to apologize to me. I didn't even possess the strength to form the words. Instead of tears, it felt as though the brine of the ocean was seeping from every pore of my body.