A Catastrophic Possession
Everything was fucked. My head felt like it was splitting open. I hadn't even drunk the night before, so it was baffling, but all I could do was grimace at the pounding headache. Just a nasty cold, I guess, I thought, hauling myself up. When I stubbed my pinky toe on a whiskey bottle rolling on the floor, I thought I was gonna die from the pain, but nothing struck me as off about it. Without a second thought, I headed into the bathroom. ...And the nagging sense of wrongness I'd been feeling shattered like glass along with the mirror.
"Kyyyaaah!!"
Crash!!
What the hell is this?!
A total stranger—a woman—was staring back from the mirror. Overcome by the creepy, grotesque horror straight out of a slasher flick, I slammed into the walls as I bolted out of the bathroom.
"Sh-shit... what the fuck."
Hallucination? Possession? Isekai reincarnation? Something like that? Now that I looked, the whiskey bottle was weird too. I didn't even like booze, but there were damn near a dozen scattered on the floor. And propped crookedly by the bed was a sinister-looking sword.
"Ha... "
I took a deep breath. My hammering heart started to slow a bit. Thinking is always the foundation for solving problems. First, let's check out the surroundings.
I carefully picked up a shard from the shattered mirror.
"This is..."
I peered closely at my reflection. Checking your status and environment is essential for safety. You can never check too many times.
"...My eyes are open, right?"
I squinted. "Is this really hair? Ack!" Silver strands—not a wig, real hair confirmed.
"Boobs... oh. For real."
...Huge! And soft. Fuck, this was goddamn reality.
Putting it all together...
"Kyaaaaah!!"
My guess? The character I'd possessed was none other than the main villain's female master—with a very, very high probability!
The memory was still vivid enough to picture.
"Of all the novels, why this one..."
Having devoured every male-oriented novel out there, I'd once dipped a toe into the forbidden realm—just once. That was A Certain Lady's Merhen, the last one I'd read.
The title gave it away: a female-oriented romance fantasy. Watching all those heart-fluttering moments aimed at guys made my skin crawl...
But the story was fun enough to stick with. And the catharsis was on point—villains got thoroughly crushed, which I loved.
"The problem is, that's me now."
Ughhh. I flopped onto the bed, thrashing like I was having a fit. I clawed at my face, screamed loud enough to bring the house down. In the end, only one thought surfaced.
"...So, what the hell do I do now?"
I needed a practical answer. The character I'd possessed was named Ideal. A big deal? She was the main villain's mentor figure—and essentially the final black curtain pulling his strings like a puppet. Plus, she was the perfect target for the protagonist's merciless brand of poetic justice...
...Just don't get involved.
But think about it—didn't I just need to avoid the main villain? From the novel, Ideal was stunningly beautiful. Even to my eyes now, she could eat any celebrity from my past life for breakfast. People are suckers for beauty. Tavern, shop, anywhere—she was prime merchandise any owner would snatch up!
In other words, I was a walking billboard!
"Heh heh..."
Confidence surged out of nowhere. Sure, the start was a total clusterfuck, but the future looked bright. Clutching my grand dreams, I flung open the door of the booze-soaked room.
"Sorry, but I don't think so."
"..."
Thud! The door shut with a heavy clunk.
It'd been a week since I started job hunting. I was unemployed. The little cash I had was long gone on mirror replacement and startup food costs. Flat broke now.
Flutter.
A gust whipped the paper into my face, sticking like a leech. I peeled it off.
Ideal
Desertion from the Eastern Front and murder of on-site commander. Anyone sighting this woman must report immediately to the Inspection Department.
"This is why!!! "
Crunch! Crunch!
I slammed the paper to the ground and stomped it to shreds. Ideal's beautiful face crumpled into mush.
Who could've guessed Ideal was a wanted criminal! No heads-up on that fine detail!!
Anyway, that one fact had fucked not just the start, but everything! The bounty was huge—courtesy of the government—so I couldn't even show my face.
All I had left was my silver tongue. [...U-um, ex-excuse me, a-a-about th-this j-job... ] [Get out.] Yeah, let's not bother.
Talking to people here wasn't easy. I wasn't great at it back in Korea either, and in a place with no connections, being friendly was brutal for me.
...Hence my current sorry state.
Gurgle.
My stomach growled for food like it had the wrong owner. Three days without a bite. I desperately needed some energy.
...Maybe turn myself in. Would they withhold the bounty then? Prisons feed you, right? Or sell this sword. Looked valuable.
As I seriously pondered this joyless, responsibility-free hell, a shady guy appeared before me.
"Good day, beautiful lady."
The sudden intruder flashed a sleazy grin and bowed politely. What the hell's with this guy? His creepy tone made my skin crawl.
Black hair—rare here. Black suit and gloves to match. He bowed with perfect formality.
...Medieval etiquette never got easier to watch.
"Might I have a word in private?"
Ah. Another pickup line. I was used to it. Even covering my face, guys approached because of my figure. Not surprising for medieval times. In just a week, it'd been nonstop.
Horn-dogs with dicks for brains.
"N-no th-thanks—"
Gurgle.
...But right then, my stomach wailed like a banshee. It grew more pathetic by the second, like it was blaming its idiot owner.
"..."
My face burned. The man, slightly surprised, ventured carefully, "While we're talking, care to join me for a meal?"
"..."
I had no choice but to nod reluctantly.
Humans are animals driven by desire. The big three—hunger, sex, sleep—are universal.
Sleep? Handled. Sex... occasionally. But for me, who'd never gone hungry, this meal was sweeter than rain in a drought.
Every cell buzzed from the long-overdue nutrients.
Chomp chomp chomp.
So yeah, scarfing like this was totally normal for a human...!
"...!!"
"Water here."
I chugged it down.
"Ah, uh, th-thanks..."
In my frenzy, I'd forgotten the guy across from me. My ears heated up.
He watched with evident interest.
"All done eating?"
"..."
I nodded, and he smiled.
His posture was ramrod straight. In this romance-fantasy world, nobles were common, but this was next-level.
Highborn, maybe. Not just scouting a hooker, then...
"You eat so cutely."
...Or maybe not?
Blech. Nearly hurled up my gains. I swallowed hard and asked, "Wh-who are you...?"
"Ah, I forgot to introduce myself."
Why would a big shot seek me out? Not a brothel scout, not after my body. Nobles want flawless top-shelf goods. A killer figure means nothing if the face flops—matchmaker and mark both get the noose.
And this guy wasn't noble anyway. Those fat-asses wouldn't slum it for one girl. They saw this as beneath them.
...Is this really a hope-filled romance fantasy?
The worldview grew darker the more I thought. The novel wasn't sunny, but not this grim. Or maybe hitting rock bottom skewed it. Same in past and present life.
I was mid-profound realization spanning lives when—
"I'm a knight of the Kan Hart family."
The man dropped the bombshell after a pause.
"...Pardon?"
"Ah, currently escorting young master Ashu Kan Hart."
"...Pardon?"
"Knight of the Kan Hart family."
"No, what was that last part?"
"Escort knight to Ashu Kan Hart."
"...?"
Ashu Kan Hart—the main villain's name. Unforgettable even after a week.
...Why?
My head throbbed. I'd sworn off entanglements just a week ago. Cautiously, "Wh-why...?"
"Not here," he said, scanning around. No passersby. He leaned in, whispering, "Ideal, I have a proposal for you."
My wanted name hung in the air. I whipped around, panicked—but no stares.
What kind of proposal...?
Wait, I'm Ideal. Who was she? Future mentor to Ashu Kan Hart, the final black curtain of A Certain Lady's Merhen.
So this knight must want—
I forgot!!
Full belly, comfy back—made me forget I was a key player!!
As I freaked and tried to bolt, he blocked me. Thud—head to chest, ass to ground.
No! The next words were obvious!!
He extended a hand. Took a breath. Then, dead serious, dropped the bomb:
"Please become teacher to our Ashu Kan Hart."
The world crumbled. Past life or this one, nothing ever went my way. Goddamn shitty world.