Operation: Make These Idiots Human
The bluish light of dawn seeped through the mountain air and into Rodin’s bedroom. Normally he would have been drenched in cold sweat, trapped in nightmares of battlefield screams and his comrades’ dying cries. Today, however, Rodin woke from an unnaturally deep sleep.
What tickled his nose wasn’t the usual stale mold. It was something delicate—like flowers heavy with morning dew or freshly picked herbs. Rodin slowly opened his eyes. His chest felt heavy. When he looked down, he saw the top of Veronica’s head nestled among tousled golden hair, breathing peacefully.
The imperial princess who had smashed through the wall and invaded last night was using his arm as a pillow, occupying the space with absolute entitlement.
“...Why are you still here instead of leaving?”
Rodin’s voice, still thick with sleep, rumbled through the room. Veronica’s lashes fluttered as though she had been waiting for exactly that question. She sat up without a trace of embarrassment and calmly straightened her rumpled clothes.
“Good morning, Rodin. It is basic administrative duty to remain at the employer’s side until he opens his eyes.”
“Administrator, my ass. Get off my body first, will you? It’s cramped enough to kill a man. The bed’s been creaking all night and it’s driving me insane.”
Rodin yanked his arm free, grumbling like the whole situation was a personal inconvenience. Veronica simply perched on the edge of the bed, smiling brightly as she gazed at him.
“My, my. After you pulled me into your arms last night saying how warm I was, you’re suddenly acting modest? You were quite aggressive in your sleep, you know.”
“Me? No chance. I probably mistook you for a cabbage. A nice, firm head of cabbage is pretty satisfying to hug.”
Rodin answered shamelessly and pointed at the shattered wall beyond the bed. The hole he had punched through with a single fist last night was letting in a sharp, whistling draft.
“Treating a person like a cabbage… Well, never mind. Thanks to you, I slept without a single nightmare for the first time in my life.”
Veronica rose and opened the window. The fear that had filled her eyes the night before was gone, replaced by the sharp, ambitious gleam of a politician plotting something enormous.
“Fix that broken wall. I can’t sleep anymore with this cold air. Call some people and at least nail a board over it.”
“There are far more important things to do before fixing the wall, Rodin. I took a tour of the stronghold early this morning… The hygiene situation is absolutely abysmal. This isn’t a place where people live. It’s a wild boar pen.”
“That’s what bandit hideouts are like. What a pain. Just live with it. Nobody dies from a little dirt.”
Rodin tried to pull the blanket over his head again, but Veronica ruthlessly yanked it away.
“Absolutely not. For the sake of my health and your precious ledger, I am declaring the start of this stronghold’s ‘Great Reform’ today. Prepare yourself to start living like an actual human being, Rodin.”
The mountain stronghold’s courtyard normally began the day with coarse curses and the sound of men clearing their throats. Today’s scene was entirely different.
“You two, stop right there. If you take one more step, there will be no lunch today.”
Veronica’s icy voice sliced across the yard. Dagan and Gil, who had been trying to slink toward the stream in the opposite direction, froze like statues. The bandits, still in their grimy leather armor that reeked of months-old sweat, lined up in front of her.
“Come on, Princess! Bandits are supposed to smell like sweat and dirt! That’s what gives us dignity! If we get too clean the boys underneath will look down on us!”
Dagan pounded his chest in protest. Beside him, Gil looked like he was about to cry.
“He’s right! You want us to jump into freezing stream water? Princess, are you actually trying to kill us? You’re crueler than the assassins from yesterday!”
Veronica narrowed her eyes and wrinkled her nose.
“Dignity? That isn’t dignity, it’s a toxic stench. The cabbage worms faint and fall off wherever you walk. Everyone, go to the stream and wash. We’re washing all your clothes too, so strip right now and hand them over.”
“All of them?! Right here?!”
“Are you going to move or not? Dagan, should I go fetch Rodin? I’ll tell him fresh ‘fertilizer’ materials are ready.”
At those words the complaints filling the yard vanished like an ebbing tide. Rodin’s name carried more weight with these bandits than a divine revelation.
“N-no! We’re going! We just have to wash, right?! Hey, everybody strip! Run to the stream! If you don’t want to die, scrub until your skin peels off!”
Under Dagan’s half-screaming orders, the burly men began stripping with tears in their eyes. Veronica tossed them the strong herbal soap and washcloths she had prepared in advance.
“There’s plenty of soap, so scrub until every last bit of grime on your chests is gone. Understood?”
“Yes! We’ll scrub until our bones show! Please don’t call the boss!”
Gil wiggled his bare backside and dashed forward. Dozens of bandits followed, charging toward the stream with grim determination. Watching them, Veronica nodded in satisfaction and wrote “Sanitation Inspection Complete” in her ledger.
Her eyes no longer belonged to a mere princess. They were the eyes of a queen who ruled over a vast domain.
That afternoon, Rodin finished his field work and stepped into the stronghold’s inner corridor, only to stop in his tracks. The air was different the moment he entered.
The hallway that had always reeked of mold and some unidentifiable musty odor now carried a crisp herbal scent that cleared the mind. The floor gleamed so brightly that the old wood looked polished.
“…What the hell. Is this even our stronghold? Did I take a wrong turn?”
Rodin opened his own door in a daze and froze again. The desk that had been buried under dust was now spotless. The damp bedding had been replaced with fresh, fluffy new sets. In one corner, a small incense burner released pleasant smoke.
“You’re back? I pulled out some spare bedding that was stuffed in the warehouse corner. Sleeping in all that dust would have given you lung disease.”
Veronica, who had been organizing her ledger while looking out the window, turned her head. Rodin stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, scratching his head.
“What a pain. Why do all this? It’s the same after one night’s sleep anyway. I told you not to get your hands dirty.”
“It’s not the same. Proper sleep is the foundation of martial arts. Don’t you suffer from severe insomnia? You keep having nightmares because you sleep in this environment.”
“That’s… not because of the room. It’s just a habit.”
Even while grumbling, Rodin perched lightly on the now-fluffy bed. It didn’t feel bad. In fact, it felt really good. The oppressive gloom that had always weighed down the stronghold was gone, and his heart felt lighter.
“I also cleaned your ledger desk, so please work here from now on. I removed all the ink stains too.”
“You didn’t touch my cabbage ledger, did you?”
“I didn’t touch it. I organized it. Thanks to that, I can see at a glance where the fertilizer money is leaking and which merchant has been scamming you. We’ll have to deal with that merchant together later.”
Rodin flipped through the neat ledger Veronica handed him. The numbers were now arranged so clearly that his eyes didn’t hurt.
“…It’s definitely easier on the eyes now that it’s clean. Good work.”
“Please give compliments in the form of money or delicious food, not just words. Oh, it’s almost dinner time. Shall we go down?”
Veronica walked past him with perfect confidence. Watching her back, Rodin felt a strange emotion. He had thought she was just extra baggage, but perhaps what this stronghold needed most wasn’t another shovel—it was this meticulous administrator.
Dinnertime. The scene in the stronghold dining hall had undergone a complete transformation. The savage sight of men tearing into hunks of meat with their bare hands was gone. The bandits, freshly scrubbed at the stream until their faces practically glowed, sat awkwardly at the tables holding forks and knives.
On the tables, neat dishes of Rodin’s fresh vegetables and meat steamed gently, perfectly balanced.
“Whoa… Is this really the same tough meat we used to eat? It just melts in your mouth?”
Dagan’s eyes widened after he took one bite. The seasoning and doneness were so perfect they could have come from an imperial chef.
“The flavor changes completely once you handle the seasoning and remove the gamey taste properly. And Gil, don’t wipe your mouth on your sleeve. I told you to use the napkin beside you. If you stain your clothes one more time, tomorrow’s laundry will be done without soap.”
At Veronica’s chilling warning, Gil jumped and snatched up the napkin.
“Y-yes! Sorry! It’s a habit… I’ll wipe it properly!”
Rodin ate in silence. The meat was far more tender than usual, and the crisp cabbage paired with it perfectly.
“…It’s good. The meat’s tender. Your doing?”
“It’s because the vegetables you grew are so fresh. Good ingredients make even rough cooking taste delicious. Though I do have rather excellent taste, of course.”
Veronica gracefully lifted a wine glass filled with water.
“Boss, we really feel like proper humans now. After washing up and eating warm food, my whole body feels like it’s floating! I used to feel heavy all the time!”
When Dagan shouted with deep emotion, Rodin let out a small chuckle.
“Shut up. Be quiet while eating. My ears hurt.”
“He’s right. Please converse with proper manners during meals. From now on this place won’t be an ordinary bandit stronghold. It will become a proper domain.”
At Veronica’s declaration, every bandit’s gaze snapped toward her. A domain? Us?
“A domain? We’re going to become proper residents? Then can we live openly like the people of the Empire?”
“If you follow my management, I can make you live better than most imperial nobles. As long as you listen to me. Understood, everyone?”
“Yes! We will devote our loyalty, Administrator!”
The bandits’ thunderous cheer filled the dining hall. Rodin shook his head at the sight, but a faint smile lingered at the corners of his mouth. It was all bothersome work, yet he was beginning to think these changes weren’t so bad.
Late at night, after everyone had fallen asleep, the stronghold sank into deep silence. Rodin habitually threw on an outer garment and stepped into the front yard to check on his cabbage fields. The neatly organized courtyard gleamed softly under the moonlight. The daytime clamor had vanished, leaving only the peaceful chirping of insects.
“You worked hard today. Must have been tiring ordering those idiots around.”
At the clear voice behind him, Rodin answered without turning.
Veronica had approached at some point and now stood beside him.
“You’re the one who worked hard. I was just watching from the fields. I know you struggled washing and cleaning up all those bandits.”
“Still, just having you standing behind me gives me tremendous strength. Those people only listen to me because they’re afraid of you. You are the pillar of this stronghold.”
“I’m only here because I don’t want my fields ruined. Don’t misunderstand. I don’t care what you do.”
At Rodin’s indifferent tone, Veronica let out a small laugh.
“I know. That ‘indifference’ of yours sometimes hurts my feelings, but because of it I was able to survive. I’m grateful to you. If not for you, I would be in a cold prison by now.”
A strange silence settled between them. Under the moonlight, Veronica’s profile looked less like an imperial princess and more like a simply beautiful woman.
Rodin turned his gaze toward the fields and spoke abruptly.
“…Princess. If you’re going to stay here, shall I buy you some more comfortable clothes? That dress looks hard to wash and uncomfortable.”
Veronica’s eyes widened into perfect circles.
“Oh my, are you worrying about me? You’re the one making such an offer first, Rodin?”
“No. The guys were complaining that it uses too much water when washing. Buy a few sets when you go to the market tomorrow. I’ll put it on the ledger.”
“Heh, liar. Thank you. I suppose I’ll have to go shopping at the market tomorrow. I should buy you some clothes too. Just because you’re a farmer doesn’t mean you have to wear rags every day.”
Veronica’s sincere smile sparkled beneath the moonlight. Rodin turned his head as if the whole thing was bothersome, but he couldn’t ignore the strange tickling feeling in his chest.